Trouble in Amish Paradise

Hello thee…Your favorite joke telling, Amish girl, Hannah Stoltzfus here for I’m With Stupid.

Seems we have some Amish bitterness going on here in Holmes County Ohio. Yes, indeedly.

A leader of a breakaway Amish sect lookeths down upon our traditional Amish grooming habits and has begun to wield what I call…The Scissors of Satan.

You see, we Amish, once we are married, allow our to hair growwwww…lonnnnnnnng.

Amish husbands let their beards grow until they look like Chaz Bono’s armpits and we nuptialized Amish women let our hair grow longer than the nether region follicles on Rosie O’Donnell’s private place.

Well thee, the leader of the breakaway sect and his followers don‘t appreciate that, and have been riding around on horses and doing trot-by hair cuttings on some of our flock.

No cow dung my friends, they are forcibly holding down married Amish men and women and shearing off our annoyingly long beards and floor sweeping length hair.

It’s as if Edward Scissorhands smoked some crack, rented a mule, and went on a sixty Mennonite hair removal rampage.

We are distressed…and some of us, sadly, are de-tressed. Hee.

The irony of the entire situation is that the name of the leader of the breakaway, hair hating group is…

Sam MULLET

Ha!! While I am but a simple Amish girl in danger of losing my beautiful hair to a rouge, misguided man, with a frenetic pair of Fiskars, I find that fucking funny. Oh my…

God forgiveth me for my foul mouth.

The entire situation really is terrible, but perhaps not for the reasons you would think. Here’s the thing…

Mullet Man being Amish, does not use electric powered beard trimmers and clippers. He unfortunately remains true to his Amish dogma during his heretictrolysis and utilizes solar powered instruments.

Last week, while performing a forcible shorning on my cousin Ezekiel, God’s Heavens turned cloudy, the clippers died, and Ezzy ended up looking like he had been shaved by Stevie Wonder.

It…was…gruesome.

Anywayeth…

I hope these trot-by shavings stop, because if we Amish lose our cool, trademark look of long hair and long beards, thee will come to realize that we are nothing more than a bunch of losers selling over-priced string cheese, and kitschy shit out of an off-the-beaten-path, convenience store.

And if that were to happen, it would give me, as Jayman and Matt-Man say on the radio which I don’t listen to, Heartache.

God Bless Thee, and here’s to long beautiful hair (sorry Matt-Man),

Hannah

As I don't have internet access, please direct all inquiries to Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

As The Butter Churns

Greetings and welcome friends of IWS. I am the official Amish Mullet Girl of I’m With Stupid.

My name is Hannah Stoltzfus, and I liveth in, and haileth from, one of the 220 Amish Church Districts in Holmes County, Ohio.

Holmes County Ohio boasteth an Amish population of nearly 40,000 peace loving folk sporting long beards, long skirts, and deep sexual repression.

To put that into perspective, if all of us were to churneth butter from the Sabbath to your day of debauchery the following Saturday, we’d churn enough curds and whey to fill the moon with green cheese, all the while hoping that someone would do the same to us.

To many of you, we may seem to be aloof, stand-offish, and perhaps even creepy, but c’mon…

Do I look like a creepy little Amish girl to you? Perhaps you think I look like a character from the moving picture, Children of the Corn?

Well, I’m not. Okay…

Being Amish, maybe I look like a character from Children of the String Cheese. Ha!!

See?

Even the Amish have a sense of humor!!

Having a sense of humor is good, because on Saturday July 30^th at 6:30 PM EDT, Jayman and Matt-Man are doing, The Joke Show on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

They will be telling and discussing their favorite jokes of all-time. They’d like you to listen and call-in with yours as well.

Unfortunately, I will be unable to do the same, for I am Amish and we eschew all things electrical and modern. In fact…

The only reason you are reading my words upon the soullessness of the internet is because my brother Zachariah took my hand written story to the vibrant and modern town of Bagwine, Ohio some four carriage ride days away from here and delivered it to Matt-Man.

And speaking of jokes and my brother Zachariah, let me tell you…That boy couldn’t raise a barn with the broad side of a…um…barn. Hey-Oooooooth.

Anyway, listen to I’m With Stupid on Saturday July, 30^th at 6:30 PM EDT as Jayman and Matt-Man will be telling and discussing their favorite jokes of All-Time.

For more details…go to the Radio Show tab at the top of the page and give er’ a click.

For I’m With Stupid, this is Hannah Stoltzfus saying…

An Amish girl’s best friend is the “transistor radio” ‘neath her goose-down pillow.

--Hannah