The Food Network Sucks

Hola foodies and cooks! Hey! Let me ask you guys a question. Is it just me, or does Food Network fucking suck? I swear FN used to be so damn cool, but now? I can barely stand to watch any of it. Yes, even Giada de Laurentiis. Hell, especially Giada. Like I fucking care about her precious over-privileged spoiled little snowflake’s love of chocolate and Russian caviar. Big fucking deal.

I really never thought I would come to this point in my life where I hated Food Network so much. Oh sure, I probably should have known it would happen. Especially after the way HGTV has disappointed me over the last few years. I know nothing ever stays the same, but why change it to something so shitty?

Just as HGTV went away from lots of great home improvement and gardening shows to stupid high end home updates and non-stop real estate glorification crap, Food Network has gone from instructional cooking shows with smart, talented hosts to preparing fancy, expensive meals with fabulous celebrity chefs and their super rich friends. And if they aren’t doing that on FN, they’re celebrating eating 17 lb hamburgers or hanging out with the regular folk at some dive with the biggest fucking douchebag in the world Guy Fieri.

Remember the good old days? You know, back when you could turn on and Sara Moulton would be making a good, affordable meal and actually showing and telling you how it was made? Or Mario would be explaining how to make good Italian food? Or Emeril would be reminding you that there’s no reason to be afraid of cooking and that it isn’t rocket science? Now, all of their hosts are pretending that cooking is almost as difficult as brain surgery and treating chefs as if they actually were brain surgeons.

AND THE SALT! Oh sweet Jesus the salt! Every single show I watch, I find myself screaming at the TV to back off the salt. Hosts like CHEF Anne Burrell will say things like “we have to salt each step in the process.” Well, maybe so, but you don’t have drain the Great Salt Lake to get enough salt to do it with.

How ‘bout ruining a good steak? They can all do it. Take a really great piece of meat and smother it with blue cheese so you won’t be able to taste the meat anymore. What’s the point of that? Why do they always insist on covering up the taste of the food they’re preparing? Same goes for pasta. We all love cheese, but why pile up the asiago or parmesan so high? The asiago is spicy and parmesan is salty! And worst of all, you don’t ALWAYS have to substitute ground turkey for ground beef.

Hell, they can’t even spare the desserts. They just have to add things like Cayenne Pepper to chocolate. Give it a fucking rest! Everything doesn’t have to be gourmet.  Everything doesn’t have to be full of spices and herbs. Sometimes it’s best to just let the food speak for itself.

And a couple of other things that really bug me too. When you grab a spoon and stir the sauces and then taste it, don’t STICK THE GODDAMN SPOON BACK INTO THE SAUCE! You might as well just stick your finger in it you disgusting freak. And, if you don’t mind, when you’re handling poultry and seafood, doing things like cutting it up, fileting or maybe removing that digestive tract from shrimp, wear some food safe gloves. It grosses me out.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Giada vs Ina: A Bitter Rivalry

Giada de Laurentiis or Ina Garten? Who do you prefer? You can't say “both.” You gotta choose. For the longest time I, like you, thought you could answer “both” to that question. But I don't think you can anymore. I think you have to choose. And, I think I'm the only person who recognizes the bitter, vicious and hate-filled rivalry that exists between two of Food Network's brightest stars.

Let's break this down, shall we?

Giada and Ina both...

Live a pretty lavish lifestyle in beautiful homes in exclusive beach side areas.

Are highly skilled chefs who are quite creative in the kitchen.

Have created extremely successful brands out of their Food Network shows.

Live seemingly idyllic lives with family and friends all around.

Love to entertain.

Regularly use very fancy ingredients in elaborate meals.

Are great at teaching people how to cook.

But, if you look a little closer, I think you see that they are actually trying to top each other.

Ina's husband Jeffery is a professor at Yale.

Giada's husband Todd started his own business.

Ina drives around The Hamptons in her BMW.

Giada drives around the posh areas of Santa Barbara and Malibu in her convertible Audi.

Ina always has her famous snooty white friends coming over for a cookout or to play cards.

Giada has her fabulous and beautiful snooty white friends over for cookouts or to do yoga by the pool.

Ina hosts big parties for New York's high society types.

Giada hosts big parties for Hollywood celebrities.

Ina has lots of gay and lesbian friends.

Giada's husband Todd owns and designs a clothing line.

Ina hosts a cookout at the beach.

Giada hosts a cookout at the beach, BUT her friends are younger and better looking so they play beach volleyball first.

Ina and Jeffery go to Paris.

Giada and Todd go to Rome.

But, where Giada is obviously really trying to show Ina up is in the episodes where they go the beach. When Ina Garten goes to the beach, she dresses like this...

When Giada de Laurentiis goes to the beach, she dresses like this...

Don't think any of this is a coincidence either. It's pretty obvious that Giada and Ina hate each others guts and are trying to top each other at every turn. You know, it wasn't too long after Giada was shown paddle boarding in her tight top and bikini bottoms that Ina made the comment on her show that Italian cooking “isn't really cooking.” I don't know WHY I'm the only one who can see this.

Jayman

jayman3768@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/jayman_iws