The 4th of July is Dangerous

Hola and Happy Independence Day y’all! I realize that anywhere from 34.7% to 58.3% of the people who read this blog don’t live in the US, but I’m sure you folks are celebrating too anyway. Why? Because it’s America BABY! And, everyone all over the world loves America, except those terrorists, of course. But, let’s be honest, inside of at least 90% of terrorists is an American just dying to live be freed of ideological tyranny and police state oppression.

Anyway, since it is the 4th of July I, like any good American, have a great fireworks story full of awe-inspiring bravery to tell you guys. I think I was about 12 years old and I had a bunch of Black Cat firecrackers to play with. And play with them I did. I tried to blow up anything and everything I stuff those things into.

I put them in Hot Wheels cars, model airplanes, an ant hill, glass and plastic bottles and other things that would make them even louder. But, the great moment came when I showed great bravery and selflessness. I was lighting them and tossing them like grenades at a wasp nest for a while and then decided to other targets when the wasps clearly decided they had had enough of my fun and games.

Anyway, I was just about to go inside and only had one left so I planned on tossing it towards the wasp nest and run inside real quick like. Unfortunately, I’m not all that coordinated and I instead dropped the Black Cat just inside the door. That’s when I flew into action.

As I looked down at the firecracker, I realized it was too close to the house. My family would be in danger and I HAD to protect them. Without any concern for my wellbeing I reached down and grabbed the firecracker and ran out of the house. Then, instead of just tossing it off to the side, I dramatically reached back to throw it as if I was trying to throw Lou Brock out at home plate.

Unfortunately, the fuse on those little bitches isn’t that long. The thing blew just as It was leaving my fingers. The pain was almost more than I could stand. My fingers burned and my right ear was ringing. I stood there staring at my right hand in horror as my fingers began to tingle and turn red. OH MY GOD! I BLEW MY FINGERS OFF!

I was sure I would never have use of my right hand again. I had done it now. Worst of all, my mother was going to be right in assumption that I was too stupid to not blow myself up. As I stood there for couple of minutes things began to settle down and I realized I was going to be okay. I had mixed feelings because I know everyone would have thought my blowed up hand was really cool when I went back to school. But, that disappointment was washed away by the fact that my mother wasn’t going to get to say “I told you so.”

I casually went back inside like nothing had happened and didn’t say a word. Then later that night, I took my other string of Black Cats outside, lit the fuse on the end and went inside. The entire straight blew one after the other while I sat there watching the Cardinals play baseball on TV like any other great American. Except my fingers still tingled a little.

And that was the last time I ever set off fireworks.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

To Sleep; Perchance To Scream

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?”
--Ernest Hemingway

“I love being awake.  My body has the tendency to fall apart when I’m asleep, you know?”
--Matt-Man

Happy Independence Day Eve you assorted chuckleheads and lovable fans of I’m With Stupid.

Tomorrow we as a nation will celebrate our independence from tyranny and oppression of a wig wearing King and his impressive, albeit less than manly dressed, military forces.

I sadly will be, as I too often do, experience the discomfort of being eternally indentured and forever shackled to my fear of sleeping.

That’s right.  The Matt-Man…the man about town, gad about town, effusive, devil-may-care Matt-Man has a fear of going to sleep, or as clinicians term it…

Hypnophobia and/or Somniphobia.

Yeah one term is Greek; the other is Latin, fight it out amongst yourselves, and at 3 in the morning let me know which term came out on top as I will be wide awake due to, MY FEAR OF SLEEPING!!

Oy.

Many psychiatric and medical types find that the fear of sleeping is often tied to a recurring, reality based nightmare, and just like nearly all people, I too have an occasional nightmare, and one that recurs often.

I often dream that I am having sex with Ann Coulter.

Ann is on top of course, and all the while in Latin, screaming, “Liberals are killing our babies and stealing from our Grandmothers!!”...she is wielding a Bible in one hand, a cheese grater in the other, and a can of corned beef hash swings upon a chain of thorns in a discordant rhythm, beneath her reptilian like neck.

I don’t get it.  I don’t like it either, but that’s not what frightens me from practicing the joy that is sound and restful sleep.

No my friends…My fear of sleep is neither mental nor emotional.  It’s physical.

Let me tell you , when we are busy at the Beer Mine, I am at the top of my game both physically and mentally. I am entertaining folks, swingin’ 30 packs around like nobody’s business, and tap dancing around like Mr. Bojangles.  It feels good.  I feel good.

And yet…

After an exhaustive, yet fulfilling day of doing that, I come home and at some point lay down, shut my eyes, and when not getting REM-Sleeped hosed by Ann Coulter and her cheese grater, other things begin to happen. Bad things.

For instance…

I woke up Sunday morning, I was in the same position I was in when I went to sleep, however…during the night, my left wrist must have thought it was double-jointed as it evidently bent over backwards to prove it, because it was dreadfully sore when I woke up.

It got better as the day went on, and I quit complaining about it, so by Sunday night when I went to sleep, I was happy and looking forward to a Monday where I felt 100%.

It wasn’t to be.

When I awoke Monday, my wrist was almost perfect, however I evidently slept funny and I had like a pinched nerve/muscle in my neck and the pain radiated down to my shoulder.

It’s the type of neck pain where if I want to look sideways, I have to turn my entire upper body, because it hurts to turn my neck.  Annoying folks!!

And then there are the early morning Charlie horse attacks in the calf, the AC dying at 2 AM resulting in me waking up feeling like a glazed donut, and of course the night screams from my BFF/OSP when she realizes on occasion, that I am sleeping in the bed with her.

I can’t take it folks, so…

Pass me another NOS, Monster, and/or Full Throttle, because the Matt-Man is never sleeping again…Ever!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Celebrating What's Left of Our Freedoms...

235 years ago today the United States of America was born with the belief that all men are created equal (and they did mean MEN, uh, well WHITE men) and the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. On July 5^th 1776 groups of Food Nazis, Moralists, Do Gooders, Busy Bodies and Control Freaks began working to whittling away at that both of those “Liberty” and “Pursuit of Happiness” things.

And it's all being done under the bullshit cover of protecting children and improving society.

Things like smoking, drinking, gambling and eating good tasting foods are fine, but you people just can't be trusted and must be protected from yourselves. God forbid a couple of consenting adults might want to consent to doing something that consenting adults do in private. Oh hell no! The government MUST stop that!!

Don't send your children outside without knee pads, elbow pads and a helmet. Get rid of all the playground equipment too. We'd hate for the kids to be active and have fun climbing on shit. And whatever you do, don't make your own kid's lunch and send him/her off to school with it. Oh fuck no! There are districts around the country that are actually outlawing parents sending their kid's lunch to school with them. And those laws have NOTHING to do with making sure that the company that has the contract to run the school's cafeterias has more revenues and can donate more money to politicians. Not. At. All.

Same goes for DUI checkpoints where they stop people and search them and their vehicles with no probable cause whatsoever. This is strictly about protecting society. Again, it has nothing to do with city and county revenues. Nope. The reasons behind these things are pure and moral.

California requiring every single house to have a carbon monoxide detector? Just trying to cut down on the thousands hundreds 40 deaths per year that are a result of carbon monoxide poising. Not about the $400 million dollars the makers of carbon monoxide detectors will reap from this law.

And just because you OWN a business, doesn't mean that you get to decide whether or not someone may smoke inside of it. Oh fuck no. The government has decided for you. Your dark smokey bar can now only be dark. And, now that we think about it, turn the lights up. Bad things happen in dark places. Things that children should never be exposed to. Sure, you don't want to let children in your bar, but if you don't you are a horrible person!

Want to do a little renovating on YOUR house. Better get the okay from the city and your homeowner's association. What? You thought it was YOUR home? Don't be silly. You might think a covered deck would be a wonderful addition in the back yard. But, you don't get to make that decision. Also, make sure you check local laws and ordinances. Even the height of you steps is regulated by law.

This is just the tip of the iceberg people. All over America (and the world really) people are using the law to restrict your freedoms. And ironically enough, they're claiming that they're doing it to protect freedom. Our cities and towns are saturated with surveillance cameras to protect us. Not monitor our movements. It's important for the government to keep an eye on what books we check out from the library. We NEED to have our electronic communications data mined by the government. It's in the name of protecting our liberty folks. I don't know why you can't see that.

Anyway, we talked about these things and our 4^th of July celebrations this morning on “I'm With Stupid.” And if you love America, and us, but mostly America, you'll click “play” on the little player and listen to our show. Or give us the ratings hit. Or both.

Thank you and may the Supreme Spiritual Being of your choice bless you. At least until you no longer get to choose that either.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Happy Independence Day everyone!