Fifty Shades of Jay

I was sitting alone in my apartment watching Family Guy when there was a knock on the door. I opened the door and it was Miley Cyrus! I stepped aside to let her in and started to tell her how surprised I was to see her there when she pushed me against the door as it closed. She put her left hand on my chest and slowly ran it down to my belly which she rubbed lovingly as she stared into my eyes for a moment.

Then Miley grabbed my hand led me over to the dining room table. She grabbed me and forced me to sit down in the chair. I exclaimed “But Miley! You’re engaged now. We shouldn’t be doing this.” She said nothing as she stood there with her still perky barely legal teenage breasts at my eye level.

Then Miley straddled me and sat on my lap. As I again attempted to stop what was happening, she put her finger on my lips and leaned in so close our lips were almost touching. Then she whispered “Shhhhhhh” as she moved her hand around the back of my head and put her lips against my ears.

“I’ll be getting married soon, but there is something I have to do before that happens.” She purred.

I put my hands on her thighs and sighed deeply. “Anything you want Miley.”

Miley kissed me softly on the cheek, smiled and said “I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SOME MEATLOAF BABY!”

My desire rose rapidly as Miley marched into the kitchen, reached into the bag she was carrying and placed one pound of ground beef, an onion and some eggs on the counter. I could barely think clearly when she asked where a big bowl, the knives and a cutting board were. Miley then chopped up the onion with abandon, placed them and the meat into the bowl, cracked a couple of eggs and threw them in too. She then grabbed the meat gently and began to massage it, mixing everything together until it was eventually a long, beautiful, stiff log which she placed strips of bacon on and placed on a rack inside of a cake pan and into the oven.

While the meat loaf was cooking Miley moved immediately to peeling the potatoes. It was no time at all before she had them cut up and sprinkled with some salt and pepper and boiling in a covered pan on the stove. Miley then sang “Can’t Be Tamed” and cleaned up the kitchen while everything cooked. When the potatoes were done she quickly drained them and threw them back into the pan along with ¾ a stick of butter, more salt and pepper and a splash of milk.

Then, as my head was spinning from excitement and desire Miley mashed the potatoes. Her hair was flowing and body shaking as she shook and bounced up and down to mashed the taters. She was breathing heavily now, mashing the potatoes harder and faster until finally she took a deep breath, smiled said “Oh yeah … That’s soooo good.”

Miley placed my plate in front of me and sat on my lap. Once again I was rubbing her thighs as she fed me the first taste of meat loaf. I could barely contain myself anymore. I let out a groan and pulled her closer to me. My senses were all fully engaged now. My heart was racing. The meatloaf tasted so good. The tangy A1 Sauce was the perfect complement to the subtle flavors of the meat and potatoes.

After finishing the whole plate Miley and I just held each other right there in the chair basking in the post cuisineal glow. We were barely able to move at all. All we wanted to do was cuddle and remember this beautiful moment, our last, together. Then Miley again kissed me gently on the neck while she pressed her firm body against mine, sighed and haltingly whispered …

“I … Want … Dessert.”

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Matt Said, Jay Said XVIII

Matt mazungumzo, Jay mazungumzo, You kusikiliza

Matt: “Season’s greetings.”
Jay: “Jingle fucking bells.”
Matt: “I take it you’re not in the Christmas spirit?”
Jay: “I’m full of the Christmas spirit year round.”
Matt: “You’re joyful and triumphant.”
Jay: “More or less.”

Jay: “Dude, I’m sending you an email. You’ll love it.”
Matt: “Okay, hold on.”
Jay: “It’s been sent.”
Matt: “Something’s wrong here.”
Jay: “What?”
Matt: “Yahoo is actually working right.”
Jay: “Those bastards!”
Matt: “Okay. The subject is Miley? Oh dear God.”
Jay: “No, you’ll love it.”
Matt: “Ha! That’s the greatest thing ever!”
Jay: “It has to go on the blog.”
Matt: “I’m just gonna ist and watch her ‘shake it baby’ all day.”

Jay: “By the way, Yahoo mail sucks.”
Matt: “I know, but I just don’t want to change.”
Jay: “It is a hassle. I changed once from Yahoo to Gmail.”
Matt: “Well I have other emails, I just don’t want to ask people to change.”
Jay: “That is an annoying email.”
Matt: “Please make note that his is my new email and update your contacts.”
Jay: “Which I don’t do.”
Matt: “Oh, I do.”
Jay: “Well, I update, but I don’t take the old one out.”
Matt: “That’s clever.”
Jay: “I know, so when I go to email them, I can’t remember which one is the right one.”
Matt: “So you just send an email to all four of them hoping one goes through?”
Jay: “Exactly.”

Matt: “So, 100th show extravaganza?”
Jay: “Hell, yeah!”
Matt: “Is it actually our 100th show.”
Jay: “101st.”
Matt: “Really?”
Jay: “Well, technically 102nd cause we deleted one.”
Matt: “So, shouldn’t it be our 101st show extravaganza?”
Jay: “Uh, I guess so.”
Matt: “Anyone can celebrate their 100th show!”
Jay: “True, only nonconformists like us would wait ‘til 101!”
Matt: “Okay then. We’ll do it!”
Jay: “And we can have everyone who thought it wouldn’t last call in.”
Matt: “And I’ll call in from a pay phone then.”
Jay: “And I’ll call in on my cellphone also.”
Matt: “Anyway, it’s gonna be HUGE!”
Jay: “Fuck’n A!”

So, we would much appreaciate it if you would join us for our 101st Show Extravaganza. Hard to believe huh? Well, it’s real baby. We go live at 11 pm ET (happy Mike?) and it’s gonna be non-stop fun and games.  

Matt Said, Jay Said XV

Matt hablas, Jay hablas, You escuchar.

Matt: “Yo, yo diggity yo.” *cough* *hack* *cough*
Jay: “Damn, you aren’t gonna die are you?”
Matt: “Well, someday my son, I’m sure I will.”
Jay: “You sound like an 80 year old Jewish lady w/ a 3 pack a day smoking habit.”
Matt: “Oh, so I’ve improved more than I thought.”
Jay: “You’ve got a great voice for radio going dude.”
Matt: *cough* *hack* *cough* “Thanks.”

Jay: “I’m so disappointed in myself.”
Matt: “What did you do with a stripper this time?”
Jay: “Nothing like that. Wednesday was Miley Cyrus’ birthday.”
Matt: “I saw your post on the Facebook Fan Page.”
Jay: “Yeah, but I totally forgot about it on the show. Not one mention.”
Matt: “Oh, well that’s bad, huh?”
Jay: “Yeah it is. I’m sure she was listening. And her feelings are probably hurt now.”
Matt: “We’ll make it up to her somehow.”
Jay: “She isn’t even talking to me now.”
Matt: “Give her time. She’s a good person. She’ll understand.”

Jay: “Cold turkey is delicious.”
Matt: “We haven’t even eaten yet. Our turkey is crocking.”
Jay: “Crocking?”
Matt: “I put it in the crockpot.”
Jay: “Really? Isn’t it a bone-in breast?
Matt: “Yup.”
Jay: “I admire your challenging society’s culinary rules like that.”
Matt: “I’m a rebel.”
Jay: “Well, except your strict adherence to preheating rules.”
Matt: “That a line I’m not willing to cross.”

Jay: “So, we launch the first salvo in the War on Christmas™ for 2011 on Saturday?”
Matt: “We can do it!”
Jay: “Black Saturday!”
Matt: “A date which will live in War on Christmas™ infamy.”
Jay: “Old men will tell their grandchildren about it someday in the future.”
Matt: “They will tell as much as they dare tell, so as not to scare the kids.”
Jay: “True. No need for the children to have nightmares.”
Matt: “BTW, are we for it or against it?”
Jay: “Well, we’re around it.”
Matt: “Usually I side with the atheists because it makes Bill O’Reilly’s head explode.”
Jay: “Yeah, but if Julie Banderas asks me which side I’m on? I say ‘I’m on YOUR side baby.’”
Matt: “OHHHHH YEAH!”
Jay: “Okay, the War on Christmas™ it is!”
Matt: “Sweeeeeet!”

So, be sure to check us out Saturday night at 6:30 pm EST on I’m With Stupid as we fight the good or bad fight in the War on Christmas™!

And, if you need something to do, and who doesn’t, you can listen to Wednesday’s show where we talked about all kinds of Random Crap. At least listen to you can hear Matt-Man’s “Old Jewish Lady who smokes three packs a day” voice.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Let's Cut Through the Crap and Have Some Fun

Happy Friday Bitches and welcome to the weekend.

It’s been a gloomy week. The debt ceiling crisis is looming. Close friend of IWS and fellow media mogul, Rupert Murdoch is in some hot water, and…

As she pushes closer to 19, Miley Cyrus continues to lose her Hannah Montana years hotness.

Sad times, my friends, sad times indeed. So…

Let’s take today and the entire weekend for that matter, to have some fun and cleanse our minds of the aforementioned tragedies.

There are plenty of ways to do just that. For instance, when I get off work today, I am going to spend the evening hanging out with this hot babe:

That’s IWS’s roving correspondent, Kim Frahgeelee. Sure, that picture was taken years ago, when she was 16, but just like with Miley Cyrus, that’s how I like to picture her.

I’ll probably cook something good tonight and if I’m lucky, after some Wild Irish Rose and beers, Kim and I will play a hot game of, “Escaped Convict and the Warden’s Wife.”

Barring that, I’ll probably spend the evening getting hammered and doing show prep with Jayman via Twitter after he has finished his evening repast of Bourbon, Vienna Sausages, and Great Value Potato Chips.

Don’t tell me that Jayman and I aren’t sittin’ in high cotton, bitches!!

Speaking of show prep, Jayman and I will be broadcasting live on Blog Talk Radio Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT. 

As this has been a heavy news kinda week, we are going to keep it light tomorrow and just hang out as it were.

We will discuss a tragic news story provided by my brother and IWS’s fave former yellow journalist, D-Man, that involves an Alsatian dog, a hot Irish babe, and sex.

If you listen in, it will make the worries of the world go away, and really…that is what Jayman and myself aim to do with every award winning broadcast.

So join I’m With Stupid tomorrow at 6:30 PM EDT on Blog Talk Radio and set your mind free from the trials and tribulations of this madcap world.

You can access our IWS Radio page by accessing the link provided in the Radio tab at the top of our website.

And remember…you can always talk to us live on the show by calling us at 661.244.9852.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Hola Bitches!

It's me, the Jayman!

“Who” you say? “THE Jayman? The one who just about 10 weeks ago quit blogging and said he in all likelihood wouldn't be back this year?”

Uh, yeah. Up until a couple of weeks ago I still had no intention of coming back. And I'm still not real sure how happy I am about it. But, when Matt-Man came up with the idea of doing a team blog as a part of the show's branding, how could I say “No?”

So, here I am. Committed to the show and to growing our brand and turning Matt-Man and myself into the international superstars we know we can be. Complete with the fame, fortune and groupies we deserve. At least in our own minds.

Besides, the idea behind this blog is that it will be a community blog. A place where many different people will be posting. Anyone out there who would like to have their voice heard on the internet, this is the place for you. We're looking for people who are funny, smart, clever and/or sexy as hell. Just like us. And, when we get other people in involved here, I won't be having to post much. I'm already looking forward to that part.

I know that some people will be giving me shit for coming back. There's nothing I can do about it. And it won't have any affect on me either. So, whatever. I think this site is gonna be fun.

Sooo what has the Jayman been up to the last few weeks, you ask? Well, I've been a busy little bee.

I accompanied Miley Cyrus on her South American tour as her “Self-esteem Coach.” Mainly my job was to tell her that she looked and sounded great and that “No, I don't think all these gorgeous, sexy South American women who can shake their booty like nothing I've ever seen are hotter than you Miley!” (She totally believed me.)

I served a couple of days as a Special Economic Advisor to President Obama. Basically my job was to walk into the Oval Office every 10 minutes and say “You do know that somewhere around 20% of Americans are either out of work or underemployed, right? You might actually think about doing something about it ANY-FUCKING-TIME NOW!” But unfortunately, people got tired of hearing that and they hired a “We Still Have Hope” adviser in my place.

I worked as LeBron James' personal coach teaching him how to close out big games. That one didn't work out so great.

Same goes for my short stint as a “Twitter Crisis Consultant” for Congressman Anthony Weiner. I'm not even putting that one on my resume.

Acted as the Dalai Lama's personal escort when he visited Northwest Arkansas. We hit all the hot spots. Dude is a wild man! Strippers loved him too. That dress he wears is some pretty thin material and the Lama is packing a serious Tulka. And, big tipper!

I spent some time living in a cave in Southeast Asia. Just contemplating life and the universe becoming one with my surroundings and the animals.

Okay, I admit it. I'm the one who killed Osama bin Laden. As Robert DeNiro said in The Deer Hunter “ONE SHOT! ONE SHOT IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!”

And, there were various other, less exciting things. But, now I'm here. Why? Cause Matt-Man talked me into it. I just can't resist those puppy dog eyes.
Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
http://twitter.com/jayman_iws