Wisconsin vs. Ohio State...Badgers vs. Buckeyes...Brent Musburger is Lost in Zanesville

Hi Post-Secondary Education pigskin fans, Slyder Balzcock here for I’m With Stupid with your Weekend of Witches and Warlocks, gridiron preview…

It’s a big, spooktacular weekend of college football, and no game bigger than when the Wisconsin Badgers invade the sullied and shit upon horseshoe of the Ohio State University, but more on that later.

First up, in the Conference-USA...um...conference…

UAB blazes a beeline to Huntington, WV. in order to tangle with the ‘Herd of Marshall.

I don’t know about you, but I think that because the game is played at noon, even the West By Godders from Marshall won’t be drunk enough to stop the Boy Caught pass attack of the Birminghammers.

In the SEC, the ’Hogs of Arkansas invade Dudley Stadium in Nashville in order to take on the pesky Vanderbilt Commodores.

In order for a win from the Commodores, Lionel Richie will need to throw for 400 yards, beat down the Arkansas secondary harder than he did his ex-wife, and kick Nicole through the uprights. I hope the winds are favorable.

Navy is at Notre Dame this weekend which can mean only one thing…The Midshipmen of Navy will be getting their first look at women who aren’t dykes.

Tonight’s game is a match-up of the Indian Jesuses of BYU and the Nails in the Hand TCU’ers.

I think TCU will win because when you morph BYU and TCU into an anagram, it spells out, Buy Cut. 

Jesus wasn’t bought, but he sure as hell was cut. I predict the true Christians of TCU win by a trinity.

Lastly, before we get to the, Game of the Week…

The smart, white, and light skinned Afro-Americans of Stanford, travel to South Central LA to take on the drug-dealing, hubcap stealing, and noble in moniker only, Trojans of USC.

I’ll take smart, pasty white guys over nefarious heroin-shooting Black and Mexican-Americans any day. Stanford gets the win, but the USC players get the ladies.

As I promised earlier, my views on the Mighty Wisconsin Badgers coming to Columbus, Ohio to take on the Ohio State Buckeyes…

While the Ohio State program is in trouble, the Badgers of Wisconsin are still smarting over the loss to unemployed auto workers from Michigan State. It’s quite the eliptic condensed conair? (Ed.Note: use, conundrum; that means puzzle, Slyder.) conundrum.

Thanks Ed. Note, and on that note, ha ha, I will say this…

the Ohio State University blows…They blow like Moby Dick. The Badgers are going to destroy them…I mean…Here’s what the Ohio State players will look like when the carnage is over…

I know what you’re saying…

“Hey Slyder you’re from Ohio; you should root for the Ohio State.”

Let me tell you something…I’m originally from Idaho, and I hate potatoes. That tells you one very important thing about Slyder…

I don’t get the Value Meal when I go to McDonald’s.

This is Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field and headin’ for the showers.

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Brutus Buckeye Says: Ohio State Football Fans Suck !!

OH-IO and Go Bucks to all my Buckeye Nation friends. Brutus Buckeye here for I’m With Stupid.

Much like you Buckeye Nation, as THE adorable face of THE Ohio State University football program, I am not thrilled with the team’s 3-3 start, but well, by golly, there’s something I need to get off of my waxy, tannin-colored chest, and say unto you, the Ohio State Football fans…

YOU are driving me freakin’ crazy to the point where my nut is about to explode!! Could you please stop with the whining, the wailing, and even more so, the gnashing of teeth? Oh Dear God, the gnashing!!  Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it's noisy.

You’re diving me human!!

What the hell is wrong with you people? Have you so little in your personal and professional lives that you must live vicariously through a college football team?

That was a silly question…of course you must. As head nut for this university, I have seen them all.

Men who feel worthless if OSU isn’t on top every week. Men who in fact tie their very manhood to the Buckeyes.

It’s as if for some Buckeye Nation men, that the length of their manhood in inches, is in direct proportion to the number of victories Ohio State registers in a season.

And right now? 

There are a bunch of scarlet and gray clad men roaming the streets of Columbus and elsewhere in Ohio, with three inch dorks…and feelings of inadequacy.

It’s okay guys. Brutus Buckeye understands, but seriously? 

It’s time to move on…time to grow up…time for you to recognize that THE Ohio State University is just another football program, not THE football program.

You need to realize that OSU will not be great every year, because well, look at the kids we recruit to play here. I know, you think that each and every Buckeye football player is among the elite, but truthfully?

Our football team is made up of players who were too slow to get recruited by an SEC school, and too stupid to get accepted to an Ivy League school. And really...

We should be thankful that we don’t let athletes like that fall through the cracks…In fact, we could rename the team, THE Ohio State Safety Net.

See? We’re not Notre Dame, Boston College, or TCU, yet we are doing God’s work, but as we are a public university, don’t let the ACLU know. Anyhoo…

You guys toiling through this delusion that OSU is the end all and be all of football have to admit…We’ve had some real losers grace the gridiron grass of the ‘Shoe.

Art Schlichter, Andy Katzenmoyer, Maurice Clarett, Terrelle Pryor…Jim Tressel. And hell, look at our suspended “superstar” wideout, DeVier Posey!!

Holy Cow, he was suspended for being overpaid for work he didn’t do, and then super-secret suspended because he kept on doing it during the initial investigation. 

It’s nearly inexplicable, however, it does explain my previous postulate that Buckeye players are too stupid for an Ivy League school, anyway…

While Posey does have some WR skills, the dude has always had hands like a clock, and his time has run out, as it has on THE Ohio State University.

Buckeye Nation, listen to Brutus…

I know that you never got to play football yourselves. I know you think that you know the intricacies of coaching football, and don’t. I know that many of you say “we” when you speak of the OSU football team even though you never even attended the university, let alone played.

I know that you live or die on the success of the program because your personal and professional lives suck. I get all that, but c’mon…

Together, we can get through this rough patch in our otherwise sad, sad lives and move on.

After all, looking at the rest of the schedule, IF we can beat Illinois this weekend, we have a good shot at going 7-5, and really…

Is walking around the streets of Columbus, Ohio with a seven inch wanker, all that bad?

Keep the faith…but not too much,

Brutus Buckeye

P.S. As I am but a jolly and endearing mascot, please direct all hate mail to Matt-Man @:

neshobadue@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS