London 2012 Summer Olympics...A Preview of Golden, Silver, and Bronzish Hospitality

Hi fans!!

IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock coming to you live from the hometown of NFL Hall of Famer and current Pittsburgh Pirates defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau, and more importantly, live feeding you something from the site of the 2012 Summer Olympics….

London, Ohio !!

I can feel the excitement building as the townsfolk in this normally quiet hamlet of 8,800 prepare to welcome the temporary, yet potentially overwhelming immigration of the world’s most gifted athletes into their tiny, yet vibrant and versatile community...

And when I asked town Father and Mayor of London, David Eades, how he felt about his community hosting the 2012 Summer Olympics, his amazement of the moment overwhelmed him, as he replied…

“I am utterly stupefied by your question, Mr. Balzcock.”

Yes folks, to not only the residents of this town, but to the Mayor himself, hosting the London 2012 Summer Olympics is beyond words.

Anyhoo…

As we (as does former Salt Lick City Winter Olympics organizer Mitt Rommey) all know, logistics are the key to any well-run Olympics, and the denizens of London, Ohio are well-prepared on the housing front for the thousands of athletes that will dead lift them, poll vault over them, and 100-Yard dash right through them.

They have dusted up the London Olympic Village and it looks great…

Being always vigilant and anticipating an overflow crowd of athletes, the town has bargained to gain additional boarding if needed at one of the two locally housed state prisons…

Of course, while a good rest is important to a world-class athlete, when competing in the Olympics, food is the fuel that drives the well-tuned engine of any sword player, breast stroker, or Greco-Romanian wrestler, and all will be well-fed within the delicious confines of the official dining hall of the London 2012 Summer Olympics…

And listen all you equestrians…If you are in a bind and/or bridle before your dressage run, take your horse to Dixie’s, because while they advertise dog grooming, I’m sure they can put a sexy flair into your steed’s tail, and looks never hurt anyone when being judged…Not even a horse.

And there you have it IWS readers, a bit of a more personal and homespun preview of this year’s London 2012 Summer Olympics.

I am sure I will have an update or two as the games go on as I report on Mister Gold Medal and pothead Michael Phipps, and the sure to be everyone’s black darling of gymnistics, Gabby Douglas.

And let me tell you folks, there is something that rivals the London 2012 Summer Olympics going on at the same time in London, Ohio...

I don't know how a town this size handles all of this magic at once, but they do, and they are, and because of that, they are all Gold Medal winners!!

Until my next London 2012 Summer Olympics update…

This is Slyder Balzcock leaving it all on the field…and the track, and headed for the Olympic podium.

USA!!  USA!!  USA!!

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

Slyder Balzcock: The Bridges of Madison Square Garden

Hey there, sports fans…

IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock with your, “Welcome to the Weekend Sports Update.”

This past week has been mocked, marred, and made interestingly enough by a whole lotta stuff, so let’s dust off home plate and kick off the pigskin.

Seems that the Indyapolis Colts have ridden Payton Manning as far as his ball talent will carry them, as they released Manning to ride another type of horse to the Denver Broncos.

In my opinion, Manning will be lobbying six point STDs to WRs, Eric Dicker, and newly and recently acquired former Cleveland Bengal, Anthony Caldwell, from the first kickoff to the last at bat in no time.

If only the Broncos still had their great RB from the 70’s, Floyd Patterson, they could probably make a Super Bowl rung this year.

I guess the best news of this entire deal, is that Archie Manning said that the trade, move, and amount of money offered to Payton was, “adequate.”

Arch is always on the look out for his little boy, God Bless him.

In a relative story…

Newly former Denver Bronco QB Tim Tebow is now a New York Jet.

And as Big Apple West Siders, Action, A-Rab, and Big John say on Broadway…

“When you’re a Jet, you stay a Jet.”

So I guess Tebow is there until he throws a Touchdown pass or until the Trinity Broadcasting Network offers him more money with fewer bruises, than the NFL, whichever comes first.  Here he comes God-Lovin’ TBN fans!!

Speaking of bruises, former Seattle Supersonics basketball defensive stand out and now currently former News Orlean Saints football coach Gary Payton, has been bruised by a suspension and huge fine by the NFL.

Apparently Payton and the Saints organization were paying blood money to their employees if they tackled opposing players meanly and left them with soiled uniforms.

Trust me, I have seen the Saints play outside the domed environment on real turf and have never witnessed them leaving a player soiled, but so be it...If Gary Payton is gone, and they need a new coach?

Dust off former Saints head coach Hank Stram, and viola,  "Lazay-Lay Bon-Tom Roulay."

Sure, Hank may be a little rusty, but in the immortal words of Canadian Rock and Roller, and former British Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock…

“Rust Never Sleeps.”

And there you have it folks…Your week in sports from IWS, and yours truly.

For now, this is Sports Director Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field, and headin’ to the showers…

Slyder can be reached through Matt-Man at the following addresses:

E-Mail:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Super Bowl XLVI...A Media Pass Is Not a Free Pass

Hi Babies.  IWS News Hottie, Kim Fragile here, for I’m With Stupid.

I don’t think I’ve talked to you since last October when on Sweetest Day I described to you what an incredibly stupid “holiday” it is.

Chocolates?  Flowers?  Perfume?  Pffffft.

Give me an inflatable bondage chair, a Doctor who prescribes his own Viagra, and an AP News Feed, and I am one happy news woman…but anyhoo…

The other day, I was in the island nation of Madagascar where I was doing an IWS documentary on the effects of big, black African penises inside of a white news reporter who has tsetse flies covering her vagina and hot voodoo candle wax on her nipples, when my cell phone rang.

It was Matt-Man.

He said that a frantic Jayman had told him that the NFL had refused to give our Sports Director, Slyder Balzcock, media credentials to get inside of Lucas Oil Stadium in order to cover Super Bowl XLVI.

After I asked, and Matt-Man explained to me what the hell “ex-el-vee-eye” meant, he told me to go gutter newsie, and get my sexy ass to Indianapolis in order to help the IWS Media Empire secure a Media Pass through my feminine wiles if necessary.

Well let me tell ya…It hasn’t been easy.

I first went the defiant and educated, “Hey, we here at IWS are journalists, and deserve our journalistic right to cover the Super Bowl” route.

I was told by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, that the IWS team exhibits journalistic skills and decorum that the NFL would prefer not to have covering their annual, national celebration of sportsmanship and excellence in athletics.

So…I went above Goodell’s head and asked his wife, FOX News babe Jane Skinner, if she’d like to have sex with me in exchange for an NFL Media Pass.

She told me that while she would like to have sex with me, the last Super Bowl pass she had, had to be given to an adult woman who suffers from mental retardation so she had just given it to her co-worker, Gretchen Carlson.

So, I began a thinkin’…

“Who in the world desperately needs sex and might have a media credential for Super Bowl Ex-El-Vee-Eye?”

I immediately thought of Sean Hannity and Donald Trump. One or both of those wanks has to both, need sex AND have access to a media credential for Slyder.  And…

I was right.

Unfortunately, when I finally got a hold of Hannity, he was with Trump and in between the noise of the rustling sheets and Ned Beatty sqealing sounds, Sean told me that he and The Donald had sold their media passes to Bernie Goldberg and Glenn Beck.

So…I guess I was a day late and a penis short.

Alas…I did my best.  Although….

Maybe if I were to track down Wes Welker’s uber-hot girlfriend, Anna Burns?

Yeah...maybe she could do something for me…Uh-huh, she already does.

And truly?

It doesn't matter to me whether she has a press pass or not. Rowwwrrrrrrr.

Zooooves,

Kim

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaiws

KLM and Royal Dutch Airlines...Home for the Holidays

Jay, Matt-Man, and diverse worldwide readers everywhere, Guy Ahnyurdyck here for I’m With Stupid.

As you know, I am the Dutch-based foreign correspondent for IWS and I have just landed in the States to spend the holidays with Jay, Matt-Man, Marty Martstein, Kim Fragile, Slyder Balzcock, and the entire IWS family.

I am currently in Bagwine, Ohio being hosted by Matt-Man and the ever incredible and edible Schmoop, as they have welcomed me into their cozy flat on Bagwine’s trendy lower East Side.

I had a bit of a turbulent and troublesome time making my way to their digs, but I have made it here at long last, with few bruises, most of my luggage, and a modicum of my dignity…still intact.

As fate would have it, my seasonal sojourn to America was fraught with a cornucopia of confusion, conundrums, and…complications.

After waiting three hours for the private IWS jet to pick me up, I phoned the home office and they said in a jolly and Christmas-like manner, “Oops…we forgot.”  So…

They hurriedly booked me a coach seat on KLM Flight 211, non-stop from Amsterdam to Detroit.  When the chips are down and Guy is stuck, the staff at IWS know how to make things happen.

After surviving several hours in the air and an in-flight meal of Haggis, Chick Peas, and Butterscotch Pudding while sitting next to a sound asleep septuagenarian with an overflowing colostomy bag, we completed our leap across the liquid barrier of linguistics we Euros call the Atlantic Ocean, and touched down in Detroit.

Upon arrival I was greeted by customs folks, TSA agents, and a tiny, tearful misshapen man named Verne who asked me for ten bucks so he could have the microchip that the CIA had planted in his head some forty years ago, removed from his scarred and swollen head.

As I hadn’t yet converted my money into U.S. dollars, I handed him 30 Euros…Verne kicked me in the shins, peed on my shoes, called me, “a piece of faggoty Euro-Trash”, and limped away on his one prosthetic leg that oddly had a club foot by design.

I made my way outside of the aeroport, and outside the doors of Concourse A waited for the IWS limousine to transport me to Bagwine some three plus hours away. I waited for more than an hour, and yet…I saw no smiling limo driver holding a sign that read, "Guy Ahnyurdyck or IWS."  So…

I made several hurried and harried calls to Matt-Man, to Schmoop, to Jayman, to the office.  No one picked up.  Fortunately, I was befriended by a lovely lady of Nubian persuasion who asked where I was going.

I told her that I was going to Bagwine, Ohio and she said that she had a delivery to make in Dayton, Ohio for her Uncle Toot Suite that had to be there by 5 PM, so if I gave her 300 bucks she would, “haul my dike-fingerin' ass down there.”

I converted my money, paid her, and after she told me not to look in the back of the van as it contained, “life saving plasma of sorts”, we were off to Matt-Man’s.

On the trip down, I and the lovely Lolita Florence, or as her friends call her, Lo-Flo, exchanged pleasantries, bon mots, and a case of Steel Reserve.

Shortly after we arrived and my drunken and feeble attempt to grope Schmoop’s fun bags, I passed out.  Lo-Flo?  She had three more 211’s and Matt-Man managed to get a pic of her before she left for Dayton.

Anyways…

I’m here now.  I’m safe now, and I’m thinking…

After this harrowing trip…I get to spend time with my friends, AND the IWS Office Christmas Party will be broadcast live tomorrow night at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio…this may be the greatest holiday season I have ever had.

And to Lo-Flo?

I hope you got your life saving plasma to the people who truly needed it.

Merry Christmas America, and “See” You Saturday Night at 11 PM EST !!

Guy Ahnyurdyck

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/MattManIWS

Fantasy Football...The Stakes are High

Hi sports fans…

I’m With Stupid Sports Director, Slyder Balzcock here with your, I’m With Stupid Fantasy Football League Playoff Preview.

The IWS Fantasy Football League is entering its playoff portion of the season, and the four finalists have been determined through a bruising season of virtual pummeling of one and other on the fake and computer generated frozen tundra of Gumbo Field.

Ten teams entered the foray back in September, and in the championship round, only four remain.  And they are…

The Flam-a-diddle Cheesy Poofs, Seal Team 6, The Stalkers, and The Steel Reserves.

Let’s break down the potential action of this virtual gridiron, four mano on four mano steel cage match.

Weeks 14 and 15 pit the #2 seed Seal Team 6 up against the #3 seed Stalkers…

Seal Team 6 coached by Docnolz plays a style of football emblematic of his devil-may-care, I’ll sleep with anyone personality.  He’s got rookie sensation, Cam “I’ve Played Football for Money Before” Newton at QB, and Beanie “I Didn’t Do Shit When I Was on the Steel Reserves” Wells at RB.

Seal Team 6 goes up this week against a team in the Stalkers that has broken every leg of every RB known to man.

Coached by our very on Jayman, The Stalkers have seen Darren McFadden go bye-bye…Seen Fred Jackson go bye-bye…and yet, they persist.  And now?

They count on Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis at RB to get a few carries from the playbook of Bill Belichick.  One game he may get 15 carries, 115 yards, and 2 touchdowns…the next game, he may sit the bench in lieu of Danny Woodcock, or Woodchuck, or Woodwhatever...

Belichick is wacky that way, but through grit and determination, Jayman has captained his team through the waters of adversity and found himself on the Isle of Playoffs.

The first game in this match-up of college cheaters and broken legs?  Too close to call, although I hope Jayman wins…It is very unbecoming when he weeps.

Next up, the regular season champ Burl G and his fancy dancey Flam-a-diddle-Cheesy Poofs against our other very own, Matt-Man and his Steel Reserves…

Burl had the best record in the regular season at 10-3 with Aaron Rodgers at QB and Matt Forte at RB, however, Forte is injured now, and during Christmas season Burl is probably conducting Christmas concerts, so he may be a bit distracted.

And well…He may also be distracted by his HOT wife…

I know I would...anyhoo...

Matt-Man and the Steel Reserves started out on a drunken rampage going 6-2 and managed to stay just sober enough to finish 3-2 down the stretch to get into the playoffs.

Funny thing about Matt-Man and his team…When he goes with is regular line-up, he wins.  When Matt-Man tries to act like a real coach and tinkers and deviates, he loses.

Here’s a little advice from Slyder to Matt-Man…quit listening to those “intuitive voices” in your head, and you may finally beat Burl and the Flam-a-diddle-Cheesy Poofs.  If Matt-Man can turn a deaf ear to his coaching epiphanies, it’s Steel Reserves by a whisker.

So there you have my IWS FF Playoff Preview, and don’t forget, Jay and Matt-Man broadcast live today at 11:00 AM EST on Blog Talk Radio.

In addition to the regular fun and frivolity, they have an important announcement to make, so make sure you tune in.

This is Slyder Balzcock leavin' it all on the field and headin’ to the showers…

You can contact Slyder at:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/MattManIWS

Wisconsin vs. Ohio State...Badgers vs. Buckeyes...Brent Musburger is Lost in Zanesville

Hi Post-Secondary Education pigskin fans, Slyder Balzcock here for I’m With Stupid with your Weekend of Witches and Warlocks, gridiron preview…

It’s a big, spooktacular weekend of college football, and no game bigger than when the Wisconsin Badgers invade the sullied and shit upon horseshoe of the Ohio State University, but more on that later.

First up, in the Conference-USA...um...conference…

UAB blazes a beeline to Huntington, WV. in order to tangle with the ‘Herd of Marshall.

I don’t know about you, but I think that because the game is played at noon, even the West By Godders from Marshall won’t be drunk enough to stop the Boy Caught pass attack of the Birminghammers.

In the SEC, the ’Hogs of Arkansas invade Dudley Stadium in Nashville in order to take on the pesky Vanderbilt Commodores.

In order for a win from the Commodores, Lionel Richie will need to throw for 400 yards, beat down the Arkansas secondary harder than he did his ex-wife, and kick Nicole through the uprights. I hope the winds are favorable.

Navy is at Notre Dame this weekend which can mean only one thing…The Midshipmen of Navy will be getting their first look at women who aren’t dykes.

Tonight’s game is a match-up of the Indian Jesuses of BYU and the Nails in the Hand TCU’ers.

I think TCU will win because when you morph BYU and TCU into an anagram, it spells out, Buy Cut. 

Jesus wasn’t bought, but he sure as hell was cut. I predict the true Christians of TCU win by a trinity.

Lastly, before we get to the, Game of the Week…

The smart, white, and light skinned Afro-Americans of Stanford, travel to South Central LA to take on the drug-dealing, hubcap stealing, and noble in moniker only, Trojans of USC.

I’ll take smart, pasty white guys over nefarious heroin-shooting Black and Mexican-Americans any day. Stanford gets the win, but the USC players get the ladies.

As I promised earlier, my views on the Mighty Wisconsin Badgers coming to Columbus, Ohio to take on the Ohio State Buckeyes…

While the Ohio State program is in trouble, the Badgers of Wisconsin are still smarting over the loss to unemployed auto workers from Michigan State. It’s quite the eliptic condensed conair? (Ed.Note: use, conundrum; that means puzzle, Slyder.) conundrum.

Thanks Ed. Note, and on that note, ha ha, I will say this…

the Ohio State University blows…They blow like Moby Dick. The Badgers are going to destroy them…I mean…Here’s what the Ohio State players will look like when the carnage is over…

I know what you’re saying…

“Hey Slyder you’re from Ohio; you should root for the Ohio State.”

Let me tell you something…I’m originally from Idaho, and I hate potatoes. That tells you one very important thing about Slyder…

I don’t get the Value Meal when I go to McDonald’s.

This is Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field and headin’ for the showers.

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

NFL 2011...Are You Ready for Some Football!?

Hi Gang!! IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock here with your opening weekend NFL preview.

The Season of the Pigskin kicked off last night as the defending Super Bowl Champion, Green Bay Packhers, defeated the News Orlean Saints 42-34 on the frozen tundra of Hambone Field.

It was good to finally see some rough and tumble shoulder pad to shoulder pad action after spending the summer wondering if the NFL owners blackout would prevent this season from ever taking place.

Thank God, that after months of rumors of a football famine, the players and owners came to the dinner table, broke bread together, and to football fans everywhere, served up one helluva meal deal.

Of course, there has been one huge change in the NFL this year. As I reviewed this week’s match-up of NFL games, I was amazed by the number of new franchises in the league this year.

For instance…

This week, Seal Team 6 tangles with Dub’s Dudes in a gridiron struggle that pits an aggressive group of terrorist killers against a scrappy bunch of trailer home dwelling boobie lovers. Look out Dub’s Dudes, after this week, you may want to change your name to the Dead Bin Ladens.

In what looks to be a high scoring affair, the Matt Castle led HM Giggle Fairies take on the Memphis Blues helmed by up and comer Josh Friedman, or as I call him, the Beale Street Jew. I’ll take a Jew over a Fairy anytime, as long as I don’t have to sit next to either. The Blues by two.

In what could be a blowout, The Flam-a-Diddle Cheesy Poofs throw hands with Team Terrell. Team Terrell, is owned by The Official Hot Mess of IWS, Sunshine State Shirley. Shirley’s team will beat the Flam-a-Diddles like a drum, and be spitting out pieces of Cheesy Poofs during their post-game victory party.

Our very own Jayman and his Stalkers led by Wide Receiver James “Throw Me Da Ball” Jones will be trying to keep offensive pace with Phillip Rivers and his, I Touchdown There turf mates. This one’s a toss-up, fans, but Stalkers RB, Noshow Moreno could be the goat or the gift.

Lastly…

The Cleveland Steamers and Michael Vick take on Matt-Man’s Steel Reserves. This match up leaves me with more questions than answers. Is shit stronger than beer? And more importantly…When did the Philadelphia Steelers trade Michael Vick to Cleveland?

That’s all for now, sports fans…

This is Slyder Balzcock leaving it all on the field and heading for the showers.

Ed. Note: Matt-Man here…um…When Slyder asked for this week’s NFL game schedule, I sent him the I’m With Stupid Fantasy Football League schedule as a joke. 

I thought Slyder would pick up on that. I apologize, and have scheduled a 2:45 PM meeting with Slyder.

Matt-Man 
neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Casey Anthony is Getting Off

Heyyyyyyy therrrrrre sports fans, IWS sports editor, Slyder Balzcock here with a little Monday Morning Humpbacking.

Congratulations to the U.S. Women’s soccer team as they defeated Brazil in World Cup action over the weekend in front of an electrified Reichstag type crowd in Munchausen By Proxy, Germany.

Gooooooooooal, Baby!!

Back here in the States, longtime Yankee and light skinned black man Derek Jeter got his 3,000^th hit Saturday as the Bronx Bombers tussled with the visiting Tampa Bay Gamma Rays.

But Mr. Jeter wasn’t the only person to reach the magical milestone of trey thousand this weekend…

In honor of the passing of former First Baseman Betty Ford, music heavyweight Amy Winehouse entered rehab for the 3,000^th time.

Even though still on the disabled list until July 17^th, homicidal honey Casey Anthony received her 3,000^th death threat thanks to Edna Thistle of Macon, Ga., who offered to “stick a boom box up Casey’s ass and crank up the Best of John Tesh.”

Lastly, our very own IWS guys hit a couple of milestones of their own…

Late Friday night, Jayman devoured his 3,000^th Vienna Sausage and on Saturday morning, Matt-Man drank his 3,000^th pint of Wild Irish Rose.

The ensuing sausage shit of the Jayman and the Rose piss from the Mattster have been saved and are on sale now for you serious memorabilia collectors.

This is Slyder Balzcock rounding third and heading for the end zone saying…

Make sure you listen to Jay and Matt-Man on Blog Talk Radio at 11 AM EDT today. They are talking Casey Anthony, Michele Bachmann and perhaps about their own fecal material and urine samples.

Click on the Radio tab at the top of this page and find the show page link and/or call in at 661.244.9852 today at 11 AM EDT.