Arkansas HAD to Fire Bobby Petrino

Hola sports fans desperate for a winning program! One of the biggest trends in college athletics right now is building statues. Alabama has a statue of Bear Bryant AND they recently built one for current head football coach Nick Saban. Penn State has one of Joe Paterno, but it didn’t seem all that realistic for some reason. So, they fixed that by turning it 180 degrees so it would be looking the other way. Hey-OOOOOOOOOO!

So, I’m going to propose that my alma mater the University of Arkansas commission two statues to place out front of Razorback Stadium. They will be twin rednecks wearing overalls and Hog Hats and they will be depicted with their hands in the air Calling the Hogs. We can then name them “Denial” and “Delusion.”

Let me get this straight Hog Fans. Bobby Petrino wrecks his motorcycle, lies to his boss and the whole state about there not being a passenger, allows the UofA to tell everyone that, says it again in his press conference (more or less) and then hangs on to the lie until 20 minutes before the state police report is going to made public? Then, we find out that the 25 year old hottie riding with him is his mistress? And THEN we find out that Bobby had just given his mistress a job in the football program that reports directly to him only eight days earlier? A job that 159 applicants?? And that Petrino gave this chick $20,000 in cash?? And your response to all this is to say “But, he’s a winner! We can’t fire him!!!” Really?

Hell, they even set up a Facebook fan support page for Bobby which reads in part: “Support our Coach! HOG NATION ban together and Support Coach Bobby Petrino!!”

Really guys? “Ban” together? Come on!

They held a rally in Fayetteville Monday night to show their support for Bobby. Check out the sign one cat brought to the event…

Ha! Now that’s cute. I’m guessing he’s single. The Facebook page has 22,000 “likes” but barely 200 showed up for the rally? That’s because 21,800 men couldn't come up with a good excuse to leave the house Monday night that their wives would have accepted.

Is our inferiority complex such that we’re really going to rally around this guy? Are we so desperate for a winning football program that we’re going to just sit back and let this go? You people are out there saying we “OWE” Bobby Petrino our support. Yeah, well what does he “owe” us? What does he “owe” the UofA and athletic director Jeff Long?

Arkansas fans are so delusional and desperate and have so tied up their own self-worth in the success of a football team that they are in complete denial about Petrino and what has happened here. Hell, most of them are ignoring the lies, cover ups, payoffs and job and saying stupid things like “It’s none of our business if Petrino had an affair and it’s certainly no reason to fire a man!” Or worse, some are still trying to claim that Petrino is a “Good and Decent CHRISTIAN man.”

Unlike these people, while I certainly support and root for the Hogs, I’m not suffering from battered wife syndrome and don’t feel the need to desperately hang onto a coach just because he wins games and ignore all the other crap that he did and that you KNOW would happen again. Where is your pride Arkansas? You people trying to convince me this is no big deal and Petrino is a good man need to GTFO of here.

And so does Bobby Petrino.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

I'm So Going to Heaven

Hola bitches and welcome to the further adventures with my mother’s friend M.E. You remember M.E. from Thanksgiving, right? Well after a year of talking about it M.E. finally decided to get a laptop computer. She hasn’t ever used a computer before in her life. Okay, she did use a computer in a very limited manner back in the early 90’s, but that doesn’t really count.

Oh, and she’s never been on the internet either. Of course, she’s pretty sure she knows all about the net and … it’s the devil. But, she’s ready to take on the devil anyway. She asked me to go with her Walmart to get a laptop and “whatever else I’m going to need.”

Surprisingly enough Walmart wasn’t too difficult. We had a short discussion about whether she needed a desktop or laptop …

M.E: “I’m pretty sure I want a laptop.”
Jay: “They both have their pros and cons.”
M.E: “I think I’ll put it on the desk in the spare bedroom because there’s no TV in there.”
Jay: “So you want a desktop?”
M.E: “No, because I want to use it in the living room and downstairs.”
Jay: “Uh you just said … okay.”

So, we get her an HP laptop, a wireless router, a mouse and she also finds this portable tray that she thinks she’ll put the laptop on. It went smooth, no arguments or strange questions. Then we get back here so I can set her laptop up and show her a few things and get it registered for her. She also called the cable company and they will be out next Thursday to turn on her internet.

I get the thing out of the box and go through the set up process and then I decide to show her the internet. I figured the best place to go to first would be YouTube which leads to this conversation …

Jay: “What is your favorite musical act?”
M.E: “Oh I don’t know.”
Jay: “Do you like Dean Martin?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Sinatra?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Tony Bennett?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Barbara Streisand.”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Willy Nelson.”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Miley Cyrus?”
M.E: “GOD NO!”
Jay: “Hey! That hurts! Rolling Stones?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Huey Lewis and News?”
M.E: “No … I just don’t listen to music at all.”
Jay: “Umm … Okay, puppy vidoes.”
M.E: “Puppy vid? … Ohhhhh they’re so cute!”
Jay: “Internet, M.E. M.E, Internet.”

Then I put some of the games icons on the desktop so she can find them easily and play games to get used to using the mouse and all that shit. As I putt the laptop back in the box so she can take it home and all that and I show her where to plug the mouse back in at and I say “since you’re right handed just plug it in on the left side and run the cord around the back.” She says okay and gathers her stuff and says she’s going to go home and will “practice on the computer.”

About an hour later she calls and says “How come just because I’m right handed that means I HAVE to plug the mouse in on the left side? That doesn’t make any sense to me.” I told her I was just doing what seemed most obvious and easiest to me and she could plug it into any of the plugs it will fit in. She said okay, but was clearly a bit skeptical that I wasn’t trying to set her up for something.

That’s how day one went. God only knows how it’s going to go from here, but I’m pretty sure this is going to get me out of God’s doghouse.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

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In other news, on Saturday Matt-Man interviewed Jayman on I’m With Stupid Podcast. It was light-hearted yet thoughtful and at times deep. We talked about growing up in Arkansas, religion, politics, writing and all kinds of other topics that Matt probed. So, check it out. Matt-Man actually kind of made Jayman sound interesting.

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My Little Town ...

Last night on “I’m With Stupid” Matt-Man and Jayman took everyone on a virtual audio tour of our hometowns.  We talked about all the great sights there are to see.  Things like the hole in downtown Redneckville, AR and the gray beaches of the C.J. Brown State Reservoir just outside of Bagwine, Ohio. 

And we hit on a few other great things about our towns.  Jayman pointed out that in Redneckville you can grab the phonebook and find the local number for the KKK! How handy is that? Other great sites in Redneckville include “The Hole” downtown, beautiful Lakeshore Drive that stretches out as far as the eye can see for just less than one quarter of mile. Unfortunately, Country Time Jamboree has closed down, so live entertainment is limited to the Redneckville Not Ready for Primetime Players at the Lyric Theater.

Of course, Bagwine has its great sites too. As in the area where the Battle of Piqua! Currently the Clark County Fair is taking place and you can walk around and see every style of mullet there is. And Matt-Man also pointed out that Bagwine sports two … count them: TWO! Walmarts! Not to mention that included in the Bagwine Metroplex is the industrial wasteland of Dayton, Ohio. 

Also, we want to thank the Official Hot Mess of I'm With Stupid, Sunshine State Shirley for calling in. And then, as if there hadn’t been enough hilarity already, Mike called in! So, check the show out guys. It was a pretty damn funny 45 minutes this week. Well, every week is funny, but this week was downright jocular.

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In other news, the entire staff of the I’m With Stupid Media Empire would like to send out our most heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of Amy Winehouse. Amy passed away yesterday tragically and we are all just devastated by her passing.  We discussed it and we felt that the best way to show how much we’ll miss Amy would be to name her this week’s IWS Babe of the Week. 

R.I.P. Amy. You will be sorely missed. 

Tea Party To The Rescue...

Well folks, the slow, steady creep of socialism, fascism and all kinds of other bad isms has finally made it's way to Redneckville, Arkansas. Luckily for us though, we have a very strong local chapter of the Tea Party to protect us. Even if it kills us.

Our county commission struggled for months to come up with a new insurance plan for the areas of the county that are in a flood plain. Well, each time they met, the Tea Party folks were out in force to make sure no Socialism happened. The end results of course, is that they never passed a new plan.

So now, thanks to the Tea Party, there are lots of folks living in the flood plain who can't afford or even get flood insurance. Yes, they are required to carry flood insurance, but the Tea Party believes that these people are better off without any insurance at all than being in some filthy govt plan. No, none of the Tea Party people who forced this on everyone live in said flood plain. Why do you ask?

Anyway, after the flood insurance debacle the leader of the local Tea Party, who I'll just call Mr. Napoleon because he pretty much declared himself Tea Party Emperor, sent out a warning to both the county and city governments that “We'll be watching you.”

I immediately offered to help him out with that. What with my expert stalking skills and all, but he insists that he didn't mean it “that way.” Obviously a guy with his kind of political talent would be perfect for Michele Bachmann's campaign.

Well, our European loving socialist-like mayor is at it again. This is the man who brought the devil's juice to Boone County Arkansas in the last election. That being the approval by voters of the manufacture and sale of alcoholic beverages. So, as you can imagine, Mayor Mussolini isn't exactly the Tea Party's favorite guy.

Anyway, our mayor isn't happy with the state of our garbage collection in town. He's unhappy because the company contracted to do it is inefficient and charges residents too much. So, he is proposing that the city take over trash collection instead of contracting it out. *insert ominous Imperial March music here*

Not only does this crazy dude want to provide a service to the residents of Redneckville more efficiently and cheaper, he has a really radical idea of how to do it. He wants to use …. get this …. federal grants to pay for the equipment and get the whole thing started!! GASP!

But wait! It gets worse! He says that the city's trash collection system will include .. wait for it …. RECYCLING!!!! Just like them Nazi's did!

Well, needless to say the local Tea Party is having none of this. It's bad enough that he's making govt work for the people, but he's using federal money to do it. AND we all know that ALL federal money comes from the stimulus.

Folks, this is a town full of decent people. We do all our stimulating indoors, at night and with the blinds closed like good, decent, God-fearin' Americans!! What will the children think if we go along with this crazy-ass plan?

Hell, the next thing you know, Mayor Mussolini will propose that we allow beer sales at public events like Crawdad Days. Or even allow for the sale of liquor by the drink in town. DURING THE DAY! And, he might even propose allowing beer and wine sales on Sunday AKA: God's Day.

Oh wait. He already has proposed those things. God help us. I better get out of town before we all get turned to into pillars of salt. What does everyone think that flooding this spring was? It was obviously a warning from God that he isn't happy with our quaint, pure and innocent little town being turned into Sin City by this atheist mayor.

Only the Tea Party can save us now.

Jayman

jayman3768@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/jayman_iws