Big Doing in a Small Town

It’s been a HUGE week here in the Redneckville, Arkansas Metroplex kids. We have a whole new grocery shopping experience in town. That’s right, an Aldi’s has opened up.  And, let me tell ya, that place is full of bargain processed food goodness. 

And the crowds came out in droves. They travelled far and wide as the news spread throughout the region through newspapers, the magic box that music and news comes out of and word-of-mouth.  People came into town from as far away as Nail and Swain to see what new fangled items of value the fancy building might hold. 

And OH what deals they have. Frozen pizzas for .99 cents? A box of Crunch Raisin Bran Cereal for only $1.99? A box of novelty ice cream treats for only $2.49? And Vienna Sausages for only a measly .39 cents a can? MY GOD MAN! These prices can’t be real! Why, they’re below Walmart prices. I must be dreaming. 

And apparently I wasn’t the only one. People were piling their carts high with reasonably priced food of questionable origin like they were getting ready for Y2K all over again.  So, I decided to strike a conversation with a few of ‘em. You know, just small talk like “big crowds, huh?” Or “Wow, they have some great prices!”

“My only regret is that we didn’t bring my old ’72 Ford Country Squire Wagon!” said one man. “We can only put so much into my wife’s TIE-YOTA.  But, we’re stocking up on some of the non-perishables. Not sure how long they’ll have these prices. I’m bettin’ ya these are just the ‘suck ‘em in’ prices.” 

Another person, a sweet young lady with blond hair and dazzling blue eyes who looked to be about 21 was stocking up on goodies. “My seven year old really shouldn’t be eating this stuff. But, I can sneak it into the house and hide it and bring it out little by little.  Everyone was saying this place was going to change my life, and I think they’re RIGHT!”

I’m tellin ya guys, it was a pretty festive atmosphere. Despite the crowds and downright freaking craziness in the parking lot, people were in a good mood and pleasant. The local radio station was doing a live remote and giving away tickets to see Larry the Cable Guy up in Branson.  There were children laughing lovers dreaming. And there were street performers and even a man in an Uncle Sam costume walking around on stilts. And of course clowns making balloon animals for the kids.

As for me, I thought it was alright. I can definitely save some money there. Pretty much everything I get at Walmart I can get at Aldi for the same price or less. And the crowds are certainly no worse than Walmart. So, the prospects of not having to go to Walmart every week make me very happy. 

But, they don’t sell beer and wine. What’s up with that?

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

My Little Town ...

Last night on “I’m With Stupid” Matt-Man and Jayman took everyone on a virtual audio tour of our hometowns.  We talked about all the great sights there are to see.  Things like the hole in downtown Redneckville, AR and the gray beaches of the C.J. Brown State Reservoir just outside of Bagwine, Ohio. 

And we hit on a few other great things about our towns.  Jayman pointed out that in Redneckville you can grab the phonebook and find the local number for the KKK! How handy is that? Other great sites in Redneckville include “The Hole” downtown, beautiful Lakeshore Drive that stretches out as far as the eye can see for just less than one quarter of mile. Unfortunately, Country Time Jamboree has closed down, so live entertainment is limited to the Redneckville Not Ready for Primetime Players at the Lyric Theater.

Of course, Bagwine has its great sites too. As in the area where the Battle of Piqua! Currently the Clark County Fair is taking place and you can walk around and see every style of mullet there is. And Matt-Man also pointed out that Bagwine sports two … count them: TWO! Walmarts! Not to mention that included in the Bagwine Metroplex is the industrial wasteland of Dayton, Ohio. 

Also, we want to thank the Official Hot Mess of I'm With Stupid, Sunshine State Shirley for calling in. And then, as if there hadn’t been enough hilarity already, Mike called in! So, check the show out guys. It was a pretty damn funny 45 minutes this week. Well, every week is funny, but this week was downright jocular.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

In other news, the entire staff of the I’m With Stupid Media Empire would like to send out our most heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of Amy Winehouse. Amy passed away yesterday tragically and we are all just devastated by her passing.  We discussed it and we felt that the best way to show how much we’ll miss Amy would be to name her this week’s IWS Babe of the Week. 

R.I.P. Amy. You will be sorely missed. 

Tea Party To The Rescue...

Well folks, the slow, steady creep of socialism, fascism and all kinds of other bad isms has finally made it's way to Redneckville, Arkansas. Luckily for us though, we have a very strong local chapter of the Tea Party to protect us. Even if it kills us.

Our county commission struggled for months to come up with a new insurance plan for the areas of the county that are in a flood plain. Well, each time they met, the Tea Party folks were out in force to make sure no Socialism happened. The end results of course, is that they never passed a new plan.

So now, thanks to the Tea Party, there are lots of folks living in the flood plain who can't afford or even get flood insurance. Yes, they are required to carry flood insurance, but the Tea Party believes that these people are better off without any insurance at all than being in some filthy govt plan. No, none of the Tea Party people who forced this on everyone live in said flood plain. Why do you ask?

Anyway, after the flood insurance debacle the leader of the local Tea Party, who I'll just call Mr. Napoleon because he pretty much declared himself Tea Party Emperor, sent out a warning to both the county and city governments that “We'll be watching you.”

I immediately offered to help him out with that. What with my expert stalking skills and all, but he insists that he didn't mean it “that way.” Obviously a guy with his kind of political talent would be perfect for Michele Bachmann's campaign.

Well, our European loving socialist-like mayor is at it again. This is the man who brought the devil's juice to Boone County Arkansas in the last election. That being the approval by voters of the manufacture and sale of alcoholic beverages. So, as you can imagine, Mayor Mussolini isn't exactly the Tea Party's favorite guy.

Anyway, our mayor isn't happy with the state of our garbage collection in town. He's unhappy because the company contracted to do it is inefficient and charges residents too much. So, he is proposing that the city take over trash collection instead of contracting it out. *insert ominous Imperial March music here*

Not only does this crazy dude want to provide a service to the residents of Redneckville more efficiently and cheaper, he has a really radical idea of how to do it. He wants to use …. get this …. federal grants to pay for the equipment and get the whole thing started!! GASP!

But wait! It gets worse! He says that the city's trash collection system will include .. wait for it …. RECYCLING!!!! Just like them Nazi's did!

Well, needless to say the local Tea Party is having none of this. It's bad enough that he's making govt work for the people, but he's using federal money to do it. AND we all know that ALL federal money comes from the stimulus.

Folks, this is a town full of decent people. We do all our stimulating indoors, at night and with the blinds closed like good, decent, God-fearin' Americans!! What will the children think if we go along with this crazy-ass plan?

Hell, the next thing you know, Mayor Mussolini will propose that we allow beer sales at public events like Crawdad Days. Or even allow for the sale of liquor by the drink in town. DURING THE DAY! And, he might even propose allowing beer and wine sales on Sunday AKA: God's Day.

Oh wait. He already has proposed those things. God help us. I better get out of town before we all get turned to into pillars of salt. What does everyone think that flooding this spring was? It was obviously a warning from God that he isn't happy with our quaint, pure and innocent little town being turned into Sin City by this atheist mayor.

Only the Tea Party can save us now.

Jayman

jayman3768@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/jayman_iws