Jesus Is Lord!! Not An Expletive, You Sunzabitches!!

I like to use expletives frequently. I mainly try to use them as a form of emphasis but I must admit, oft times I use them simply to be rude.

Anyhoo, IWS fans…

It is Super Happy Hole-ly Jesus Week ™ here on I’m With Stupid and as we countdown to the resurrection of Jesus, I thought I should cut back or refrain from cussing altogether.

This special holy week, I hope to avoid using any form of the word “fuck”, especially the phrase, “Jesus Fucking Christ.”

It wasn’t just my idea, nooooooo.

Jesus hizzelf told me to try to clean up my language during HIS special week.

He said unto me last night…

“Matt-Man, I love you, but please…try to avoid using such colorful language. If I can do it; you can do it.”

Now for those of you not as intimate with The Lord as I, the “if I can…you can…” line may seem odd.

Well trust me, it’s not.

Ol’ Jeebus may be the Son of God, but in addition to being that and a sarcastic practical joker, the boy used to cuss up a storm.

Damn straight, he did.

He used to call his apostle John a big girlie man and Christ would shout at John in Greek, insults like this...

“John ya big sissy, you are such a Kappa. Upsilon. Nu. Tau.”

He used to refer to Pontius Pilate as a, "mealy mouthed dago pussy."

And referred to Romans in general as, "pasta eating pig fuckers."

I think Jeebus’ Dad finally told him to cool it when he said to an adulteress woman…

“Neither do I condemn you; but go and sin no more, ye of the open legs and bitter herb crotch.”

Jeebus now swears very rarely, however if I happen to mention Joyce Meyer to him, he usually let’s out a…

“Screw that used up, sinning’, cuntmuppet.  She’s been cashin’ in on me and my daddy for years.  Bitch got no scruples.”

Ha. That one always cracks me up, because his face always shrivels up like a rotten bell pepper when he says that.

So anyway…Since it is Super Happy Hole-ly Jesus Week ™, and because Jeebus asked me to, I’ll try to control my bad language…especially as I stated, any phrase that uses HIS name and the F-Word.

However, if I see something funny that may contain some bad, savior bastardizing language such as that, I may falter and post it. But, I’ll try to be strong and refrain from doing so.

I trust that I can stay profanity free lo these last six days…

Oh well, I am doing well on giving up bread for Lent.  Can’t win em’ all.

*Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus* 

Yesterday on the IWS Radio Show, Jayman and I interviewed Dana and Mike.  Dana is 47 and Mike is 27, and let me tell ya, there’s a freaky age inappropriate relationship spilling over with those two.  To get all the juicy, lewd, and lascivious details you can listen in the archives:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

We hope you do...It was actually a good time, and at least the younger of the love struck interviewees seemed to have his head on straight.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmanIWS

I'm So Going to Heaven

Hola bitches and welcome to the further adventures with my mother’s friend M.E. You remember M.E. from Thanksgiving, right? Well after a year of talking about it M.E. finally decided to get a laptop computer. She hasn’t ever used a computer before in her life. Okay, she did use a computer in a very limited manner back in the early 90’s, but that doesn’t really count.

Oh, and she’s never been on the internet either. Of course, she’s pretty sure she knows all about the net and … it’s the devil. But, she’s ready to take on the devil anyway. She asked me to go with her Walmart to get a laptop and “whatever else I’m going to need.”

Surprisingly enough Walmart wasn’t too difficult. We had a short discussion about whether she needed a desktop or laptop …

M.E: “I’m pretty sure I want a laptop.”
Jay: “They both have their pros and cons.”
M.E: “I think I’ll put it on the desk in the spare bedroom because there’s no TV in there.”
Jay: “So you want a desktop?”
M.E: “No, because I want to use it in the living room and downstairs.”
Jay: “Uh you just said … okay.”

So, we get her an HP laptop, a wireless router, a mouse and she also finds this portable tray that she thinks she’ll put the laptop on. It went smooth, no arguments or strange questions. Then we get back here so I can set her laptop up and show her a few things and get it registered for her. She also called the cable company and they will be out next Thursday to turn on her internet.

I get the thing out of the box and go through the set up process and then I decide to show her the internet. I figured the best place to go to first would be YouTube which leads to this conversation …

Jay: “What is your favorite musical act?”
M.E: “Oh I don’t know.”
Jay: “Do you like Dean Martin?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Sinatra?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Tony Bennett?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Barbara Streisand.”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Willy Nelson.”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Miley Cyrus?”
M.E: “GOD NO!”
Jay: “Hey! That hurts! Rolling Stones?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Huey Lewis and News?”
M.E: “No … I just don’t listen to music at all.”
Jay: “Umm … Okay, puppy vidoes.”
M.E: “Puppy vid? … Ohhhhh they’re so cute!”
Jay: “Internet, M.E. M.E, Internet.”

Then I put some of the games icons on the desktop so she can find them easily and play games to get used to using the mouse and all that shit. As I putt the laptop back in the box so she can take it home and all that and I show her where to plug the mouse back in at and I say “since you’re right handed just plug it in on the left side and run the cord around the back.” She says okay and gathers her stuff and says she’s going to go home and will “practice on the computer.”

About an hour later she calls and says “How come just because I’m right handed that means I HAVE to plug the mouse in on the left side? That doesn’t make any sense to me.” I told her I was just doing what seemed most obvious and easiest to me and she could plug it into any of the plugs it will fit in. She said okay, but was clearly a bit skeptical that I wasn’t trying to set her up for something.

That’s how day one went. God only knows how it’s going to go from here, but I’m pretty sure this is going to get me out of God’s doghouse.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

--

In other news, on Saturday Matt-Man interviewed Jayman on I’m With Stupid Podcast. It was light-hearted yet thoughtful and at times deep. We talked about growing up in Arkansas, religion, politics, writing and all kinds of other topics that Matt probed. So, check it out. Matt-Man actually kind of made Jayman sound interesting.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Rick Santorum 2012: Does the Office Come with a Cool Hat Like The Pope Has?

“Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves.”
--Matthew 7:15

“A Conservative Government is an organized hypocrisy.”
--Benjamin Disraeli

It is often said, that when attacking a political opponent, the most effective words to use against him or her are their own.

As former Sen. Rick Santorum, after his virtual tie with Mitt Romney, on a wing and several prayers, descends upon New Hampshire like the David who more or less defeated the Mormon Goliath, I have a few thoughts about him.

I don’t like Santorum.  In fact…I looooathe him.

Santorum’s “near victory” speech after the Iowa Caucuses was very well-done…even, to a certain extent, poetic.

He eloquently wafted on about his immigrant parents and their Horatio Alger type successes.  He waxed emotionally about the hard working, coal dust covered and ember ridden steel workers of the Monongahela River Valley.

He spoke of by-gone days of American exceptionalism in Western Pennsylvania.  It was stirring.

He also spoke of freedom…of liberty…of opportunity…where each and every American has the right to go forth, and with all the freedoms that America offers to him or her, be all he or she wants to be.

And yet, in Santorum’s well-written and colorful version of freedom…there lie a few caveats, or perhaps in his case, dicta.

First and foremost being, there will be no abortions in this country.

The Almighty Santorum speaketh...

I don’t care if you were held against your will in this land of personal liberty, YOU WILL HAVE THAT BABY!!  

Have all the freedoms you want, Mizz Probably Asking For It…AFTER you give birth to the Meth Head rapist’s zygote which comes to bear fruit in the form of a beautiful and bouncing baby boy.

Perhaps Mr. Meth Head should have worn a condom, but as you know, that is but an artificial semen dam to God’s righteousness so I wouldn’t have allowed that anyway.

Hey Bryce and Chandler!?  Quit being gay, and don’t even think about getting married, because for eons, God has dictated that only man and woman can marry.  He said that somewhere in the Bible or maybe I heard it from Bill Donahue.

Either way, remember…A cock in the ass, is worth two gay birds in Hell…or something.

And for all you Anti-Semites out there…I stand by Israel no matter what, and if you don’t, you are un-American.

Israel was put here by God and more importantly, by the United Nations in 1948.  And while I will kick the UN out of New York before my term has expired, they at least did something right on the Jewish Question.

And in order to protect Israel and the Second Coming of Christ, which I do not fully understand, I will bomb Iran at the first signs of them building a nuclear reactor, or anything that resembles a corn silo like I saw while in Iowa.

Also…Under a Santorum Administration, Flag Burning, Bestiality, Amorous Hand-Shaking, Drinking, and giving YOUR money to black people in order to make them more comfortable will be prohibited.

Other than that, feel free to be yourselves.

Oh, one other thing…When I name Newt Gingrich my Consort-in-Chief, don’t laugh.  He has a very thin skin, and he can go ballistic.

Somewhere, Benjamin Disraeli and Edmund Burke are crying...Not to mention fellow Catholic, Jack Kennedy...

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email:   neshobdude@yahoo.com
twitter:  mattmaniws

A Thanksgiving Message of Hope and Inspiration from Pope Benedict XVI

Guten Tag and Pax Vobiscum, Bitches!!

Blitzkrieg Benny here for I’m With Stupid with a message of hope and inspiration for my Catholic brethren and sisteren in the United States as you prepare for your annual feast and celebration of Thanksgiving.

Although I reside in Vatican City and am a vast ocean and continent removed from you, I continue to be impressed and inspired by the November observance of your national day of Thanksgiving.

Your American celebration of God and Country takes me back to November 1938 when I was eleven, celebrating my Fatherland’s first national Kristallnacht Holiday with my family in Bavaria.

It was a special time when the entire nation of Germany, sat back, took a deep breath, and collectively inhaled the soon-to-be non-Jewish fresh air.  We sang, partied, and feasted.

And boy did we, as you will once again this Thursday, feast!!

I remember my mom would rise before the sun and in her efficient and workman-like Teutonic manner, prepare a meal that would make Hermann Goering blush.

Much like you honor the courage of your Pilgrims founding a new nation with a meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, and the such, we would honor our Storm Pilgrims founding a new Reich with a meal that reflected their victory over our national affliction.

We’d feast on platefuls of sweet herbs, leavened bread, and sausage.  We’d nosh on knishes stuffed with BBQ swine, and lobster.  And after the meal, we’d listen to Dear Leader’s Kristallnacht Day address and then at midnight..?

Just as you Americans assault the stores in search of bargains on Black Friday, we would assault the local stores in search of Jewish shopkeepers on Brown Shirt Friday.

It was a magical time, and as the entire celebration does for you in America, it brought our nation closer together.  Alas…

For me, the celebration of Kristallnacht has long passed.  Ironically enough, in large part to you Americans and your puritanical fervor for ridding the world of free thinking supremacists, and loathing of medal laden leather trench coats and hot looking jack boots.

It saddens me, but as I am in the business of acknowledging contrition and turning the other cheek, I forgive you.

Anyhoo…I am now the leader of the Catholic Church, and stuck here in Italy surrounded by effeminate, pantaloon wearing Swiss Guardsmen instead of beefy, leather clad SS men, and eating eggs Florentine instead of potato pancakes and sauerbraten.

I tell ya, it’s hard to get good food and good help here in Italy.  Just ask the late Der Fuhrer.  Dear God in Heaven, Mussolini was a pussy.

However…

I do want to give thanks to you in America for helping me to recall the joy that was Kristallnacht Day, and because of you, I shall tell you the three things for which I am grateful…

I just got new tires on the Pope Mobile.

Notre Dame will be going to a bowl game this year, and…

I have found true love and my life has been made whole by meeting my new lover, Haji…

My relationship with Haji teaches the world two things.

One…Even at the ripe old age of 84 it is not too late to find true love.

And two?

It shows all of my Cardinals, Priests, and other ecumenical underlings, that enjoying hot sex is not relegated to having it with boys who are younger than fourteen.

Happy Kristallnacht…Happy Thanksgiving, and as always…

Yours in Christ,

Pope Benedict XVI

If you have any questions for Benny or would like to request an audience with the Pope, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Vote NO on Issue 2 in Ohio, 'Cause if you Don't, Gov. Kasich is Going to Sing!!

Today I am discussing Issue 2 which is on the ballot today in Ohio.  A No vote on Issue 2 will repeal Senate Bill 5 which was passed in Ohio recently and severely limits the collective bargaining rights of public employees in Ohio.

I am voting No on Issue 2 and will tell you why, but as a matter of full disclosure, I feel it necessary to tell you that I am a former Ohio public employee and a former staff rep for SEIU.

Anyway…

What follows, is why I think Ohioans should vote No on Issue 2, thus repealing SB 5, and its raping of collective bargaining rights of public employees in Ohio.

Our Governor, John Kasich, the man behind this anti-union bill and proponent of the Issue 2 YES campaign that keeps SB 5 as law, is a MASSIVE dickhead.

Oh sure, you’re saying to yourselves…

“Matt-Man is merely re-living his Union days and thinks Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead because of his kinship with public employees.”

Not true…

Sure I have historical ties to public employee unions, but I am first and foremost a reporter of the truth and would never call Gov. Kasich a MASSIVE dickhead without confirmation or corroboration, so…

On Twitter Monday night, I asked my friend, cohort, and fellow “man beyond reproach”, Jayman, what HE thought of Gov. Kasich...

Jayman responded, and I quote…

“Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead who actually has a teeny-weenie wee-wee.”

See? Jayman doesn’t even live in Ohio and he knows of Kasich’s MASSIVE dickheadedness. It’s not just the choir singin’ here folks.

Although, if there was a choir singing, Kasich would probably be in it. I hear he likes show tunes and the such.

I’m not saying he’s gay or anything, but during his 1996 reelection campaign for his congressional seat, his opponent, Cynthia Ruccia implied that he was gay by asking questions as to why Kasich shared his D.C. digs with his well-paid male chief-of staff for several years. Uh-huh…

I am not into tawdry speculation of that nature, but I must tell you, I recently had a dream that John Kasich was having sex with Marcus Bachmann, and….enjoying every minute of it.

In my forty-six years of sleeping, once in awhile my dreams have proven to be true, so…I can’t completely discount the notion that Kasich may be gay, especially since he and his first wife, Mary Lee, divorced “amicably”.

How many non-gay men have an amicable divorce? IKR? And listen…

Not to add grist to the rumor mill, but I heard that the divorce was amicable because after Kasich cried like a little schoolgirl, his soon to be ex wife Mary Lee, relented and let him keep half of her clothes.

And not that this could have anything to do with him being gay, or not, but…he was raised Catholic, and you know what they say…

“Once you go Franciscan, you'll never go straight agin’.”

Although I will say, after his parents were killed in a car crash he turned to evangelical Christianity. I guess he blamed the Pope.

Anyway…

I hope I have shed some light upon why SB 5 is a bad bill and why for the following reasons, it should be repealed by voting No on Issue 2…

John Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead, who may or may not be gay, and in my dreams has had sex with Michele Bachmann’s husband, all the while hating the Pope.

If that’s not good enough reason to vote No on Issue 2, I don’t know what is. Thank You.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

God Is an Oversexed, Freak Flag Flying Liberal

There have been several GOP Presidential debates thus far, and I have watched and listened to most of the oratorical-political sparring that has taken place between Romney, Cain, Perry, Bachmann and the other Republican hopefuls.

I must say…

This gaggle of goo-heads may be the most moronic group of folks assembled since the last Motley Crue reunion tour, however…

I don’t think this because of their stances or lack of stances on issues such as economics or foreign affairs. No my friends, it’s their stances on social issues and how they relate them and justify them to their faith and belief in God. And…

They get the God is a social conservative shit so damn wrong. Listen to me folks…

God is one whacked-out pervert, who has flexed his supernatural sinew of slutdom and unfurled his omin-formidable, free love freak flag throughout history.

Now dig it…

What’s one of the first things God did? He created Adam. And shortly after that? He created Eve. And how did he create Eve?

He used one of Adam’s ribs…Hmmmmm. To me that sounds like some serious supernatural, anti-Christian cloning and rib-cell research. It also begs the following hypothesis…

When Adam lay down and had sex with Eve, wasn’t he really having sex with himself? In fact, since Adam’s sexcapdes with his clone were directed by God, wasn’t God saying to Adam:

“Adam, go fuck yourself.”

And then later on, God while in the process of destroying the city of Sodom realizes he is going to need to re-populate the place when the carnage is over, so what does he do?

Instead of introducing a nice young couple to become man and wife and make some babies, he chooses old man Lot and his two daughters. The daughters ply Lot with Manischewitz and engage in a sexfest of Biblical proportions. All the while, Lot can be heard screaming:

“Who’s your daddy?”

Ha…Drunkeness and an incestuous three-way…It’s like a Russ Meyer flick. God is one uber-cool sick fuck.

And then we advanced to the times of King David. Ah yes, David…The mighty warrior and future King who smited Goliath, and built a Jewish empire under the watchful eye of God. Uh-huh…

When David wasn’t toppling giants or crushing the armies of his enemies, he was writing psalms and hanging out with Saul’s son Jonathan playing Crouching Hebrew, Hidden Latke.

Oh yeahhhhhh, David was as queer as a square bagel. And, God dug him.

And then, we have the story of Mary…Holy Cow!!

God decides he wants a son, so he impregnates another man’s wife by raping her via supernatural in vitro fertilization and today we celebrate that illicit action with twinkling lights, Christmas carols, and gift cards to Target.

Gimme a break you GOP Presidential candidates…

You may say you are a God-fearing Christian with a deep belief in the Almighty, but c’mon…the God you choose to believe in and with whom you claim to have a personal relationship, is not the same God I know.

My God among other wacky things, is a huge fan of cloning, auto-erotic sex acts, homosexuality, sex out of wedlock, unnatural child birth, and coining offensive phrases that are still in use today.

On top of that, he has houses of worship built in his honor and has other people foot the bill, all the while getting a Goddamn tax-exempt status!!

Man…if all that doesn’t add up to the definition of a free love, freak flag waving Liberal, I don’t know what does, and you my Fundamentalist GOP friends need to stop waving the Bible and actually give it a read.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS