You Might Be An Asshole If ...

Hola sweet, thoughtful and considerate people! In the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy’s very old and tired “You might be a redneck if …” jokes, here are some ways to know if you are an asshole:

If you’re wearing headphones and I can still hear your music, you might be an asshole.

If you have auto play music player on your blog, you might be an asshole.

If you throw trash out the window of your car while driving, or worse, while in a parking lot that has trash cans available, you might be an asshole.

If you wear sunglasses inside even though you have no eye problems or medical reason to do so, you might be an asshole.

If you never say “please” “thank you” or “excuse me” you might be an asshole.

If you push the “disabled button” on a door going into a store and you aren’t disabled, you might be an asshole.

If you walk into a store and stop right there holding the door open while looking to see what they have and there are people standing behind you trying to get into the store, you might be an asshole.

If you are climbing the stairs of an escalator even though there are also stairs that you could have taken, you might be an asshole.

If you’re standing in line at a fast food place and when you finally get up to the counter and are asked what you would like you finally look up at the menu and say “Uhhhhh … Let me see what you’ve got,” you might be an asshole.

If you text people while the movie is running in the theater, you might be an asshole.

If you randomly add a pic of a really hot chick just to get a few extra cheap hits on your blog posts, you might be an asshole.

If you walk around with a scowl on your face and never smile and say “Hola” to people, you might be an asshole.

If you refuse to let anyone use your bar of soap, you might be an asshole.

If you are talking on your cell phone while going through the checkout at the store, you might be an asshole.

If you are consistently late to meetings or social outings, you might be an asshole.

If you try to get on an elevator, bus or train before others can get off, you might be an asshole.

If you sit in your car in front of an apartment building with the stereo blasting away AND/OR constantly revving the engine, you might be an asshole.

If your kid is screaming and crying or running around bothering other people in a restaurant or other public place, you might be an asshole.

If you don’t put the shopping cart in the cart corral or take it back into the store, you might be an asshole.

If you turn left from the right turn lane (or right from the left turn lane), you might be an asshole.

If you don’t cover your mouth when you cough, sneeze or yawn in public, you might be an asshole.

Okay, there are a bunch of good examples of assholism. I’m sure there are hundreds more, so feel free to leave some others in the comment section if you like. And anyone who doesn’t comment (or listen to I’m With Stupid Podcast) is definitely a gaping asshole!

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

What an Insensitive Prick

Hola *insert word offensive to many people here*.  Let me quickly give you three examples of my being insensitive and saying stupid things.

- When I was managing the pizza joint back in college, there was a really sweet and cute blind chick that would come up there every Sunday afternoon with her Seeing Eye dog and get a small pizza and sit and chat for a while. We always had a good time talking about whatever was going on whether it was politics, sports, local gossip, school or other stuff. Also, he dog loved me. Probably because I fed him some of the bacon we put on the pizzas.

One day we were talking about how stupid politicians are and the way they pander to the lowest common denominator and how that seems to get them reelected, but leaves them unable to actually govern. And, at one point she said “I just don’t know why they do these things.” To which I cleverly replied “Because they’re blind to the reality of what they’re doing.”

*crickets*

Hell, even the dog was shaking his head in bitter disappointment. The girl quickly moved the conversation along with a “They only see what they want to see.” Which shows how nice she is, but I was so freaking embarrassed. Soon after that she picked up her pizza and went home with the dog still looking at me like I was the most insensitive guy in the world. She kept coming to the store for the rest of the semester, but I never saw her again after the semester ended.

See? “SAW her again?” I did it again! Jeez I’m an asshole!

Fast forward to this last week:

- I was getting a package of bone-in, skin-on chicken breasts and there was a little old lady was digging through the packages of thighs. When she got what she wanted and turned around I was, of course, in her way. I said excuse me and moved and she smiled and said “I have dig around for a small package since it’s just me and I don’t need those big ones or the family pack.”

Being the smooth operator I am, I replied “Well, at least you get to get whatever you want though.” She just smiled and told me to have a nice day.

Poor little old lady is all alone. Probably a widow! He kids never come to visit! And what do I do? Tell her how great that is. 

What. A. Jerk.

- My good friend CatcherDudesMom had a very bad week last week. Her uncle died early in the week and then on Friday night her aunt passed away. After she tweeted what had happened I tweeted back to her my condolences and told her she was in my thoughts and prayers. I was completely sincere in this.

However, about an hour later I went to Facebook to play my turn on my Words With Friends games and in the game against CDM I played the word “DEADER!”

OH MY GOD!  I’M A MONSTER!  

I would love to say those are the only three times I’ve done something like this. But, fact is, I’ve done things like this pretty much all my life. Some people call me “thoughtless.” I prefer to use the word “irreverent.” Even though I know it mostly comes from my shyness and lack of social skills, I would really love to stop doing things like this.

But, I know I won’t. So, I’ll just pre-apologize for all the insensitive things I’ll say and awkward situations I’ll cause to each and every one of you out there at some point.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS