I Am a Prick, But I Think I Am Getting Better

“An excellent man, he has no enemies, and none of his friends like him.”
--Oscar Wilde

I dig Oscar Wilde.  Oscar Wilde and I are much alike, well…other than his penchant for enjoying the buggery type of sex, but I tell ya…

He was an Irishman who was as wise as he was witty, and that my friends is a unique gift, and I experienced that this weekend in the form of several incongruous meetings, chats, and happenstances.

Several “things”, spontaneous meet-ups, and kind words from the mouths of others, brought me out of a mild funk that I had been in, and the funny thing is…

I never feel that I deserve any of it, because to paraphrase the Wilde quote above, and how it relates to me…

I’m a prick!!  And yet, for whatever reason, people like me.  Still.

I do have to say, a lot of my prickness comes from years of biting my tongue where my kid and mother are involved and then just recently realizing of late…

“Hey, I only have 52 legally required payments left on that make and model, and then my check is all mine...well...Schmoop's.”

Those of you helping to support a child in addition to having an angry ex-spouse, or in my case, quasi-ex-spouse, know that feeling, and know how liberating that feeling is.

And so yeah, while I left my wife 14 years ago, only now, with a smirk, and anemic financial independence looming, do I have the self-aggrandizing freedom to tell her, and to all y’all…fuck off.

And I would do just that, however…I can’t.

I am one sick son of a bitch who has this nasty nice streak within him, which compels me to want everyone to be happy in spite of how much I my or may not hate them.

G-Dawg, I Hate It!!  And let me tell ya, I couldn’t act upon my prickishness this weekend because several good things happened.

Friday, we were only quasi-busy, but folks were tipping me like I was Scar-Jo on a Dance-Po.

Saturday?

My BFF/OSP Schmoop, and her brother came through.  They were both in good moods which for those of you who don’t know them, that happens once in 150 years.  Those two were like Venus in transit.

After a more than unexciting day, around 4 this chick came through.  She….was….hot.  And I knew her.  I have actually known her for some thirty years, and yet don’t know her.

She smiled at me, I got a hard-on, hid my bad teeth, and sent her on her way with a 12 pack of Bud Light bottles, as she handed me a dollar tip, and a feeling of not knowing where I was.

I stood there smiling until I heard the next customer chime in my ear, “Could I have a 24 of Labatt’s Ice and a Slim Jim?”

After I responded, “$3.47.”, and collected his money, my thoughts turned to the woman who had just  left and threw me off my game.  She came through because she liked me, as did Schmoop, and as do others.

And I thought…

“You’re such a jerk sometimes, Mahoney.  There are a lot of people who like you. Why don’t you accept that, and delight in the fact that you make some people smile, and ignore this one asshole?”

And my answer to myself is always the same…

“If only smiles came with money, and if only people knew I was becoming this callous.”

If that were the case, and to paraphrase my hero Oscar Wilde, my friends would not like me, but I’d have huge tips, and I would have no enemies.

Pffffft.....I'll take having the friends over the tips any day.  And enemies?  Bring em'on!!

Sorry Oscar...

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

We also did one helluva joke show on IWS yesterday.  Jay and Matt were cutting up and the lovely Schmoop called in with some joke about her boyfriend.  Good times were had by all, so give it a listen, if you haven't already...

You Might Be An Asshole If ...

Hola sweet, thoughtful and considerate people! In the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy’s very old and tired “You might be a redneck if …” jokes, here are some ways to know if you are an asshole:

If you’re wearing headphones and I can still hear your music, you might be an asshole.

If you have auto play music player on your blog, you might be an asshole.

If you throw trash out the window of your car while driving, or worse, while in a parking lot that has trash cans available, you might be an asshole.

If you wear sunglasses inside even though you have no eye problems or medical reason to do so, you might be an asshole.

If you never say “please” “thank you” or “excuse me” you might be an asshole.

If you push the “disabled button” on a door going into a store and you aren’t disabled, you might be an asshole.

If you walk into a store and stop right there holding the door open while looking to see what they have and there are people standing behind you trying to get into the store, you might be an asshole.

If you are climbing the stairs of an escalator even though there are also stairs that you could have taken, you might be an asshole.

If you’re standing in line at a fast food place and when you finally get up to the counter and are asked what you would like you finally look up at the menu and say “Uhhhhh … Let me see what you’ve got,” you might be an asshole.

If you text people while the movie is running in the theater, you might be an asshole.

If you randomly add a pic of a really hot chick just to get a few extra cheap hits on your blog posts, you might be an asshole.

If you walk around with a scowl on your face and never smile and say “Hola” to people, you might be an asshole.

If you refuse to let anyone use your bar of soap, you might be an asshole.

If you are talking on your cell phone while going through the checkout at the store, you might be an asshole.

If you are consistently late to meetings or social outings, you might be an asshole.

If you try to get on an elevator, bus or train before others can get off, you might be an asshole.

If you sit in your car in front of an apartment building with the stereo blasting away AND/OR constantly revving the engine, you might be an asshole.

If your kid is screaming and crying or running around bothering other people in a restaurant or other public place, you might be an asshole.

If you don’t put the shopping cart in the cart corral or take it back into the store, you might be an asshole.

If you turn left from the right turn lane (or right from the left turn lane), you might be an asshole.

If you don’t cover your mouth when you cough, sneeze or yawn in public, you might be an asshole.

Okay, there are a bunch of good examples of assholism. I’m sure there are hundreds more, so feel free to leave some others in the comment section if you like. And anyone who doesn’t comment (or listen to I’m With Stupid Podcast) is definitely a gaping asshole!

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS