Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypses

Hola post-apocalyptic survivalists! Since Matt-Man refuses to dedicate an episode of IWS to preparing for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse no matter how big a boost we’d get in the ratings, I decided to do a post about it. Take that Mattcicle!

Anyway, I haven’t really given this whole thing too much thought. In fact, I’m so sick of both zombies and vampires (especially sparkly vampires and vampires with really stupid bad Louisiana accents) that I haven’t really made any preparations at all. But, I did decide that I should probably make a few plans just in case it really happens. Which it might, but I doubt it.

- Get and stay really drunk. This way I will stagger around and drool just like the zombies do and they’ll think I’m one of them. I’m already pale enough and cut myself shaving often enough to add to the look. This should work until one of them catches me eating pizza instead of brains.

- Place plates with “brains” on them around town. Only it won’t really be brains, it will be ground turkey mixed with an egg so it would hold together in a brains mold while it was baked. Then, after the zombies gorged on turkey “brains” the tryptophan would kick in and they would all need to take a nap. While they’re sleeping, I’ll kill each of them with a bullet to the head.

- Put on hockey helmet and mismatched clothes and stagger around drooling and just saying “duuuuhhhhh” while wiping my nose with my shirt sleeve. That will repulse the zombies and they’ll leave me alone.

- I’ll head up into the wood like Rambo did. I’ll carry nothing but some camping gear, a mess kit, knife and rifle. After finding a place to camp, I’ll kill whatever I can for food and just live off the land for as long as necessary. Ha! Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. I’ll be dead within a week if I try this one.

- I’ll just drive around in an Abrams M1A2 tank and take out all the zombies. I guess I’ll run out of fuel and ammo pretty quickly though, right? Hmm … That’s a problem. Oh I got it! I’ll simply modify it into a Nuclear Powered Jayman Armored Special with lasers and sound cannons that blow the head of every zombie within a half mile radius. That should be easy enough to do.

- Move into an impenetrable fortress that is nearly 10,000 square feet on three levels all underground with only one entry. That door, which is one foot thick steel, is behind an electrified gate. On top of the facility is a sniper’s nest with a 360 degree field of view, spotlights and lasers which will also have a weapons stockpile that would give Ted Nugent an erection. Also, the entire property is surrounded by a fiery moat. Inside is everything anyone could ever need to live for at least three years. Inside there will be huge amounts of canned foods, water, alcohol, Pepsi. It includes dance clubs, strip clubs, a movie theater, sports bar, luxurious bedrooms, a gym, indoor pool and hot tub and pizza parlor.

Dayum! Screw the zombies, I want that place anyway!

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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In other news we put on one of the best celebrations of Canada you’ll hear on internet radio ever! Sunday was Canada Day and Matt-Man and Jayman went all out for our very good friends to the north. We talked about our favorite (and least favorite) Canadians and dug up some little known facts about that truly great country. Be sure to check it out! You’ll be amazed!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Matt Said, Jay Said VII

You know what day it is. You’ve been waiting for it all week! Here we go…

Matt: “You’ve reached the Matt-Man residence, how may I direct your call.”
Jay: “I wanna talk to the person in charge!”
Matt: “Sorry, nobody is in charge here.”
Jay: “But, if nobody is in charge, who gets all the glory?”
Matt: “Glory is about personal accomplishments. We’re about ‘team’ here.”
Jay: “There is no “I” in “Team.”
Matt: “Exactly. So how are ya?”
Jay: “A little gassy.”
Matt: “I’ll open a window.”

Jay: “So, uh, our Big Gay Show is totally racking up the listens and is moving towards the top five in the ratings.”
Matt: “It should, it was FABULOUS.”
Jay: “It was a pretty good show. We might have found our niche.”
Matt: “If that show doesn’t turn people gay, nothing will.”
Jay: “Yeah, and it’s a type of gay that even Marcus Backmann can’t cure.”
Matt: “Of course not. Hell, he couldn’t even cure his own.  Hey-OOOO”
Jay: “Anyway, apparently going gay means big hits.”
Matt: “Well, cover me in glitter and raise the rainbow flag then.”

Matt: “Hold on. I need to acknowledge someone telling me how cute Schmoop and I are.”
Jay: “Personally, I’m finding your love tweets to be disgusting.”
Matt: “You know, a little support isn’t too much to ask here my friend.”
Jay: “Oh damn. I forgot how sensitive and vulnerable engaged men get.”
Matt: “Damn right. So try being a little more sensitive you sick fuck.”
Jay: “I’ll try. No promises though.

Jay: “So I’ve now joined Reddit and Digg too.”
Matt: “So have I”
Jay: “We can now Stumble, Reddit and Digg our posts and shows.”
Matt: “We even got a couple of hits from Digg already.”
Jay: “Sweeeeeet. I don’t know how much Reddit and Digg will help though.”
Matt: “It doesn’t matter. Every little bit helps.”
Jay: “And every listener and readers matters.”
Matt: “That they do!”
Jay: “We love them all.”
Matt: “Damn right.”

Jay: “So, wanna talk “Haters” this week?”
Matt: “Yeah. People who just can’t stand it when others are happy.”
Jay: “And people are just always bitching about something.”
Matt: “Exactly. Negative people.”
Jay: “Right. People who can’t say something nice about anything.”
Matt: “I hate those people.”
Jay: “Thank God we’re not like that.”
Matt: “We wouldn’t be internet famous if we were.”
Jay: “Good point. Our success is based on being positive and thoughtful all the time.”
Matt: “That’s why the chicks dig us.”
Jay: “Totally.”

So there you go. More genius at work. I know how inspiring it is to read each week. Also, don’t forget to listen to this week’s show, “Haters Gonna Hate” on I’m With Stupid. It’s going to be a great show!

Matt Said, Jay Said

Hola people of the internet!  For a while now, Matt-Man and I, the Jayman (Doesn’t that sound really pretentious putting “the” in front of Jayman? Yeah, I don’t think I’ll do that again.) have talked about how we should just tape out weekly show prep session and use it for our I’m With Stupid podcast. But since I don’t have any phone recording equipment, I decided to start taking notes for a new feature here on the blog. So, welcome to the inaugural edition of “Matt Said, Jay Said.”

Matt: *ring* “YeeHAWWWWWWW!”
Jay: “Hola you sick fuck!” (“sick fuck” being a term of endearment)
Matt: “Phobia show this week, right?”
Jay: “Huh? Yeah, phobias”
Matt: “You’re already distracted?”
Jay: “No, I’m taking notes for a new feature on the blog ‘Matt Said, Jay Said’ to post on Saturdays since we don’t post anything on that day.”

Matt: “That’s a good idea.”
Jay: “I thought so”
Matt: “You’re so damn humble”
Jay: “I know. It’s how I was raised. So anyway, I’m taking notes so say something fucking funny.”

Matt: “Just use something I said in the past if you have to.”
Jay: “Cool.”

Matt: “I made Cobb Salad last night. But without the chicken.”
Jay: “What did you use?”
Matt: “Fried bologna. It helps me keep my svelte figure.”
Jay: “I admire your commitment to nutritional excellence.”

Matt: “Schmoop cuts up the lettuce. I’ll be on the computer and she’ll be in the kitchen and then all the sudden she’s cussing the lettuce. GAWD DAMMIT STAY STILL!”
Jay: “Ha! ‘Cussing the Lettuce.’  That’s a great euphemism. I’m gonna ask her on Twitter right now if she ‘Cussed the Lettuce’ last night.
Schmoop (via Twitter): “What’s that ass been telling you?”
Matt: “Hee Hee … She’s probably saying ‘You guys suck!’”
Schmoop (via Twitter 2 minutes later): “You guys suck!” 

Jay: “Did you see how much these GOP candidates are worth? Bachmann is worth $2.8 million, Huntsman $17.8 million and Romney up to $250 million.”
Matt: “Why would anyone worth that much want to be president. If I had two million I’d be sitting here on my couch watching the view being fed hotdogs by exotic babes.”
Jay: “Exactly. Well, maybe not watching the view. I know you have a thing for Joy Behar though.”
Matt: “She is pretty hot.” 

Jay: “Instead, I’ll just sit here and stare at this pic of Ellen Page. She’s a pretty damn cute lesbian (allegedly).”
Matt: “She is.”
Jay: “Such a pretty face.”
Matt: “Oh yeah. She’s just damn pretty.  No Scarlett Johansson, but still cute.”
Jay: “Yeah, very true. Okay, so phobias right?”
Matt: “Yup, Phobias. Heights, spiders, snakes, bridges all that stuff.”
Jay: “Yeah, and our listeners all suffer from phonephobia. Haha!”
Matt: “And escalators. Lots of people are afraid of those.”
Jay: “And maybe I’ll make a few up.”
Matt: “Good idea.”
Jay: “Okay, so good show prep!”
Matt: “Hell yeah! Very professional.”

So there you have it! That’s how the magic is made. And don’t forget, we’ll be talking Phobias and Fears tonight on “I’m With Stupid” at 6:30 EDT.