Matt Said, Jay Said XLIV (Plus Schmoop!)

Matt pourparlers, Jay pourparlers, You écouter.

Matt: John Freaking Roberts
Jay: I guess he hates America.
Matt: Commie Bastard!
Jay: Helping the secret Muslim destroy this country!
Matt: It’s pretty hilarious though.
Jay: Comedy GOLD!
Matt: I only have one question about Obamacare.
Jay: Does it cover that burning sensation when you pee?
Matt: Okay, two questions.
Jay: What’s the other one?
Matt: Is it retroactive so it will cover past unpaid medical bills?
Jay: If that Fascist John Roberts has his way it will be!
Matt: That would be nice.

Matt: You know what you should do?
Jay: I’m afraid to ask.
Matt: You should marry .
Jay: Ummm … Why?
Matt: It would be good for you.
Jay: But, it wouldn’t be good for her.
Matt: Not true. And, you could also be daddy to her kids.
Jay: No. No. No. No I couldn’t.
Matt: You’d be a great dad.
Jay: Until I had to be responsible.
Matt: Here, talk to Schmoop for a minute.

Schmoop: Howdy!
Jay: Hola Schmoopalicious!
Schmoop: You don’t want to be daddy?
Jay: I can barely take care of myself.
Schmoop: And kids suck.
Jay: And I can’t even remember shit at the store. I’d forget to pick them up.
Schmoop: That’s true. Poor kids.
Jay: I’d be home, drinking beer and be like “Oh damn kids, I forgot, sorry.”
Schmoop: Kids are sensitive to that sort of thing.
Jay: IKR? Then I would try to make it up to them.
Schmoop: Trying to buy their love?
Jay: I’d be like “I didn’t mean to forget you. Here, come sit on New Daddy’s lap.”
Schmoop: Uhhhhh … MAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT!

Matt: Huh, Schmoop just went straight to bed.
Jay: Must be sleepy.
Matt: I guess so. She looked a little disturbed.
Jay: I dunno.
Matt: I have a show topic.
Jay: What’s that?
Matt: Sunday is Canada Day!
Jay: Sweet! We can celebrate all the great Canadians!
Matt: Like Pamela Anderson!
Jay: Shania Twain!
Matt: Ellen Page!
Jay: Tom Green!
Matt: Ewwwww. You kinda ruined the whole thing.
Jay: Well, we can still celebrate Canada.
Matt: We can do it!
Jay: Alright, that was easy enough!
Matt: Another HUGE show coming up!
Jay: Yup. Okay then. I guess we’re set.
Matt: Yeah, I better go check on Schmoop.
Jay: I’m sure she’s fine.

So, there you go. Check out I’m With Stupid on Sunday for a very special “Oh Canada” episode. We’ll celebrate everything that is great about our good friends to the north!

Jay's Imaginary Friend

Hola weirdoes! I struggled to come up with a blog topic for today, but can’t come up with anything. So, I’m simply going to post some of the conversations I’ve had with my imaginary friend who will be referred to as “IF” from here out.

Jay: “Why don’t you have a name? Shouldn’t my invisible friend have a name?”
IF: “I dunno. Give me a name if you want.”
Jay: “How bout …. Wait. Are you male or female?”
IF: “I’m whatever you want me to be. Also, I saw that you originally wrote “mail” instead of “male.” What a dumb ass.”
Jay: “You’re female”
IF: “Oh that’s rude.”
Jay: “I’m gonna pretend you have a great ass then.”
IF: “I hate being objectified like that.”
Jay: “Hey! If my imaginary friend is female, does that make me gay?”
IF: “No, it makes you lonely in addition to crazy.”
Jay: “Oh, okay.”
IF: “And kind of pathetic.”
Jay: “That’s enough, thanks.”
IF: “And sensitive.”
Jay: “Oh look! posted a pic of her ice cream!” 
IF: “Nice! I’d let her lick my fudgsicle.”
Jay: Me t… What the fuck does that mean?”
IF: “You know, my …. ‘fudgsicle’”
Jay: “But you’re female. You don’t have a ‘fudgsicle.’”
IF: “Okay, I’d let her lick my banana split!”
Jay: “What. The. Fuck?”

Jay: “You know what I need?”
IF: “A life?”
Jay: “Well, that and something else.”
IF: “To lose weight?”
Jay: “Totally uncalled for!”
IF: “A personality?”
Jay: “You’re the worst fucking Imaginary Friend ever!”
IF: “Hey, you created me.”
Jay: “I wish I hadn’t.”
IF: “That’s another thing you need.”
Jay: “What?”
IF: “A better imagination.”
Jay: “You know what? Fuck you.”
IF: “Well, somebody is a little touchy.”
Jay: “Cunt.”
IF: “Damn! You went right for the C-Word?”

IF: “You know calling me the C-Word is really mean.”
Jay: “You deserved it.”
IF: “Did not.”
Jay: “You’ve been nothing but mean to me all night.”
IF: “I didn’t know you were so touchy.”
Jay: “I’m the only person who has an imaginary friend who is a meanie.”
IF: “Ha! You suck.”
Jay: “I think I’m going to create a better Imaginary Friend.”
IF: “Oh really?”
Jay: “Another chick, but a nice one. A ½ Asian and ½ Latina babe.”
IF: “Hey now! That’s actually kind of creative.”
Jay: “Yeah it is … Bye!”
IF: “Asshole.”

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

In other news, on I’m With Stupid we celebrated Matt-Man’s 25th Wedding Anniversary today. Matt talked about his wedding and some of the early days of marriage, we took calls from a couple of goofballs, and then we talked about some of the keys to a long and loving relationship. It was deep, thoughtful and humorous all at once. Check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Matt Said, Jay Said V

It’s Saturday and that means “Matt Said, Jay Said.”  Let’s do this … 

Matt: “Cheers!”
Jay “SCARLETT JOHANSSON NAKED PICS!!!!”
Matt: “Where?”
Jay: “On the internet”
Matt: “Send me the link NOW OR I’LL KILL CORKY”
Jay: *sends link*
Matt: “Oh yeah! I loves me some Scarlett”
Jay: “Actually the ass shot is better than that one.”
Matt: “Um, link?”
Jay: *sends link of pic of a naked Scarlett Johansson’s gorgeous ass* (NSFW, opens in new window)
Matt: “GOD BLESS AMERICA!” 

Jay: “You know the only thing that makes these pics a little less hot?”
Matt: “What’s that?”
Jay: “The fact that she probably took these pics for Sean Penn”
Matt: “Eww ... That does hurt.”
Jay: “And he probably shared them with Hugo Chavez.”
Matt: “Typical dick move by that asshole.”
Jay: “Totally.” 

Matt: “Got any show topic ideas?”
Jay: “A couple”
Matt: “Would you like to share them?”
Jay: “Parenting?”
Matt: “Oh! That’s not a bad idea.”
Jay: “Yeah, I figured ‘you’re a parent, and I have parents and I know people who have parents and I know people who ARE parents’ so we could handle that.”
Matt: “Hell yes. I have great parenting stories. People will even think I’m making them up!”
Jay: “Ha! Okay then. We can do it.”
Matt: “And the Creepy Kid Next Door can post about it on the blog too!”
Jay: “Brilliant” 

Jay: “The other big news of the day: Sarah Palin had a one night stand with Glen Rice?”
Matt: “I read that!”
Jay: “That’s pretty hilarious.”
Matt: “He took it hard to HER basket.”
Jay: “He posted her up down low”
Matt: “He cleaned her backboard.”
Jay: “They ran the Give and Go!”
Matt: “He showed her his cross-over move.”
Jay: “He went for the reverse lay-in”
Matt: “Bristol probably asked if she could substitute”
Jay: “Or if they could double team him.”
Matt: “Hope she didn’t double dribble!” 

Jay: “Okay, so Parenting?”
Matt: “Right! Let’s do it.”
Jay: “Cool”
Matt: “Wait. You know, I’m not feeling it”
Jay: “Happens when you get older”
Matt: “No, the show topic.”
Jay: “How ‘bout we talk about our attempts at saving Summy and all the good we do”
Matt: “Yeah, let’s go with that.
Jay: “Humble Heroes?”
Matt: “I like it! Let’s do it!” 

And there you have it kids. Another amazing look at our very intense and show prep and strategy sessions.  

Also, we’re working on a blogroll! If you would like some linky love, just let me know.

And, don’t forget, we’ll be LIVE at 6:30 pm EDT talking Christian Charity and all the good deeds people like you and us here at IWS can do for others on I’m With Stupid! 

Matt Said, Jay Said IV

As always kids, if it’s Saturday, then it’s time for MS, JS. I know how much you look forward to it. So, away we go…

Matt: “It’s your dime, spill it.”
Jay: “Ring-a-ding-ding big boy.”
Matt: “Oh, I love it when you ring my bell.”
Jay: “That’s hot. Ya sick fuck.”

Matt: “I have an idea for a post for tomorrow. And then Slyder on Friday”
Jay: “Dude. You’re the man with the plan.”
Matt: “I’m on it Jay! Gonna write a post from Ronnie to the GOP”
Jay: “Excellent”
Matt: “I find writing as other people to be very freeing.”
Jay: “I agree. We can do all kinds of fake op-ed pieces from famous people.”

Matt: “Oh shit. We could do that all the time.”

Jay: “Something like John Boehner writing to say he’s offended by Syracuse’s mascot The Orange”
Matt: “Ha! That would be great.  But shit. I’ve got too many ideas now.”
Jay: “Here’s a crazy idea. Write out posts as you think of them and save them to your computer.”
Matt: “I can’t work that way Jay.”
Jay: *sigh*
Matt: “I need the pressure of the deadline. Plus I like to live in the here and now.”

Jay: “Hey! Doug Flutie’s daughter is a cheerleader for the Patriots.”
Matt: “Really? Is she HAWT?”
Jay: “I don’t know. I only notice a woman’s heart. Here, I’ll do a GIS for her and send you a pic.”
Matt: “Meh. She’s alright.”
Jay: “She’s no Miley.”
Matt: “Doesn’t really do anything for me. Kind of like Lee Evans.”
Jay: “Well, that’s because Bo Derek was around at the same time as Lee Evans and she was crazy hot.”
Matt: “I was talking about the Wide Receiver Lee Evans.”
Jay: “Ohhhh! Well that’s different.”

Jay: “Wait! LINDA Evans, not LEE!”
Matt: “Ha! You goober.”
Jay: “Well, shit. That makes even less sense now.”
Matt: “That was smooth.”

Matt: “Linda Evans dated Yanni for crying out loud. Who the fuck would do that?”
Jay: “Oh shit. That’s almost as bad as Connie Sellecca dating John Tesh.”
Matt: “That WAS sad.”
Jay: “Yeah, she brought the charisma to that relationship.”
Matt: “And the talent.”

Jay: “Okay, so we’re talking Football?”
Matt: “Our annual season preview! Will Nipsey make an appearance.”
Jay: “Hell yeah! Nipsey loves football.”
Matt: “And we love the Nipster.”
Jay: “Okay, good prep session.”
Matt: “Sometimes we get a little off topic. But, we’re ready!”

Okay, there you go. It was riveting, wasn’t it?  Anyway, don’t forget we’re talking football and other stuff tonight at 6:30 EDT on I’m With Stupid.  Oh, and we have a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT to make too! So be there! 

Matt Said, Jay Said III

And once again Saturday brings us another round of “Matt Said, Jay Said”

Matt: “You speak, me speak.”
Jay: “Holaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Wot’s hoppenin’ hot stuff?”
Matt: “Noting. Not a thing. Not a modicum. Not an ORT!”
Jay: “Okay then. Good talking to ya.”

Matt: “I’ve got a case of the blahs”
Jay: “Awww. I’m sorry.”
Matt: “Thanks for your obviously heartfelt concern.”
Jay: “Hey, I was being sincere. Why so glum chum?”
Matt: “I tweaked my back. I think I pinched a nerve cause the pain runs down my leg.”
Jay: “Might be your sciatica?”
Matt: “Just my lumbago!”

Jay: “Finally heard from Sunshine State Shirley. Three straight 16 hour days for her.”
Matt: “That’s rough. I did help you out with her.”
Jay: “Oh really?”
Matt: “Yeah, she said she was gonna get help on fantasy football from you and I let her know what a scheming deceiver of women you are.”
Jay: “Well, thanks man. Very helpful.”
Matt: “That’s what I’m here for buddy.”
Jay: “Well, I’m sure a woman of SSS’s education can easily tell when someone is just projecting.”

Jay: “Hey, is posting pics on Twitter again. Better check it out.”
Matt: “I can’t do it. I just can’t.”
Jay: “I can’t resist. *clicks link* OHHHHHHHHHHHH .. uh Hey! Click that link dude.”
Matt: “I don’t want to.”
Jay: “You gotta.”
Matt: “Okay. *clicks link* AHHHHHH I HATE THAT ONE!!!
Jay: heehee "I know"
Matt: “You’re cruel”

Jay: “So Beat Poetry this week?”
Matt: “Oh yeah.”
Jay: “And then whatever on Monday”
Matt: “We already have a topic. Remember? We have topics for the next two weeks.”
Jay: “We do? Wait. Oh it’s labor day.”
Matt: “Yeah, unions and organizing on Monday, football next Saturday and 9/11 on the 12^th”
Jay: “Right. That sounds good.”
Matt: “Now write that down.”
Jay: “Naw, I’ll remember.”

Jay: “Did you see Nancy Grace on Dancing With the Stars?”
Matt: “Yeah, I saw that. Some guy is going to have to touch her.”
Jay: “Hell, even Chaz Bono is more feminine than Nancy.”
Matt: “Hey-OOOOOO!”
Jay: “The fact that Chaz Bono might get to touch Cheryl Burke proves there is no God.”
Matt: “Totally unfair.”
Jay: “I know. Okay, Beat Poetry?”
Matt: “I’ve already started preparing for this Saturday.”
Jay: “Already writing some poems?”
Matt: “No, but I’m yearning which is a start.”
Jay: “Oh hell then. We’re ready dude!” 

So there you go. Another brilliant prep session! And don’t forget that we will be doing our own, original Beat Poetry Night on I’m With Stupid at 6:30 EDT! 

Matt Said, Jay Said

It’s Saturday kids! And that means it’s time for another installment of “Matt Said, Jay Said.” I know you’re excited! 

Matt: “I just got the baby oil warmed up and ready for your call.”
Jay: “Did you put the bottle in a pan of warm water to heat it up?”
Matt: “I see you’ve done this before.”
Jay: “You could also just put the bottle in your armpit for a while. That will warm it up too.”

Jay: “Did you see that Nick Ashford died?”
Matt: “Yup, read that this morning.”
Jay: “I guess he’s ‘Solid as a Rock’ then. Hey-OOOOOOOOOH!”
Matt: “You sick fuck.” 

Jay: “Everyone was on Twitter this morning”
Matt: “I thought someone had sent up the Jaysignal”
Jay: “Why?”
Matt: “You showed up and suddenly everyone was there. Just long enough to say ‘good morning’ and suddenly they were all gone again.”
Jay: “Twitter is like everyone meeting in the lobby. Nod and say hello and then go on about your business.”
Matt: “And at the end of the day we’ll do it again. Just long enough to say ‘good night.’” 

Matt: “Uh-Oh!”
Jay: “What??”
Matt: “Da-da-da-DUMMMMM! Angry Mailman™ is here. The world’s only angry mailman.”
Jay: “Maybe you should wave and be nice to him? Maybe that’s all it would take for him to stop being angry and start being happy. Just one person who cares.”
Matt: “No. He scares me. He’s so mean dogs run away FROM HIM!”

Matt: “Oh hey! A secret note has been slipped under the door.”
Jay: “The fox is in the henhouse. I say again, the fox is in the henhouse.”
Matt: “The cookie has been baked.”
Jay: “The wet bird flies at night.”
Matt: “Ha .. Oh … They’re just painting the parking stripes in the parking lot tomorrow.”
Jay: “Boring.”

Matt: “Maybe I’ll go down there and heckle them while they’re painting.”

Matt: “You call that a straight line?”
Jay: “You didn’t account for the curvature of the Earth on that one!”
Matt: “Michelangelo you AIN’T!”
Jay: “Did you paint over that pebble instead of brushing it out of the way?”
Matt: “The left line is longer than the right. I can tell from here.” *while sitting in my lawn chair drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette* 

Jay: “So, it’s our One Year Anniversary Extravaganza!”
Matt: “Yup. Gonna be HUGE Jay! HUGE! We can talk about our favorite episodes and favorite audio files.”
Jay: “And favorite guests”
Matt: “Right. And maybe some people will call in. Not likely, but maybe. Maybe someone will sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to us?”
Jay: “And we’ll mock everyone who thought it would never last. Like everyone in our families and well, pretty much everyone including us.” 

Matt: “And we’ll preview Season 2. Do we need a new show open? New boobies? We probably do need new boobies.”
Jay: “We can always use new boobies. Always.  Plus we might talk about new ideas or features for Season 2.  Maybe replace correspondents or something.”
Matt: “We might have to replace Ivan Dixon with Kenneth Washington.”
Jay: “Or we might need a new Darren.”
Matt: “Exactly! Important decisions.”

Jay: “Okay, I think we’re ready!”
Matt: “Gonna be HUGE!”

And don’t forget to listen to our Anniversary Extravaganza Saturday night at 6:30 pm EDT and Part II on Monday at 11 am EDT!! It will be a good time for one and all. 

Matt Said, Jay Said

Hola people of the internet!  For a while now, Matt-Man and I, the Jayman (Doesn’t that sound really pretentious putting “the” in front of Jayman? Yeah, I don’t think I’ll do that again.) have talked about how we should just tape out weekly show prep session and use it for our I’m With Stupid podcast. But since I don’t have any phone recording equipment, I decided to start taking notes for a new feature here on the blog. So, welcome to the inaugural edition of “Matt Said, Jay Said.”

Matt: *ring* “YeeHAWWWWWWW!”
Jay: “Hola you sick fuck!” (“sick fuck” being a term of endearment)
Matt: “Phobia show this week, right?”
Jay: “Huh? Yeah, phobias”
Matt: “You’re already distracted?”
Jay: “No, I’m taking notes for a new feature on the blog ‘Matt Said, Jay Said’ to post on Saturdays since we don’t post anything on that day.”

Matt: “That’s a good idea.”
Jay: “I thought so”
Matt: “You’re so damn humble”
Jay: “I know. It’s how I was raised. So anyway, I’m taking notes so say something fucking funny.”

Matt: “Just use something I said in the past if you have to.”
Jay: “Cool.”

Matt: “I made Cobb Salad last night. But without the chicken.”
Jay: “What did you use?”
Matt: “Fried bologna. It helps me keep my svelte figure.”
Jay: “I admire your commitment to nutritional excellence.”

Matt: “Schmoop cuts up the lettuce. I’ll be on the computer and she’ll be in the kitchen and then all the sudden she’s cussing the lettuce. GAWD DAMMIT STAY STILL!”
Jay: “Ha! ‘Cussing the Lettuce.’  That’s a great euphemism. I’m gonna ask her on Twitter right now if she ‘Cussed the Lettuce’ last night.
Schmoop (via Twitter): “What’s that ass been telling you?”
Matt: “Hee Hee … She’s probably saying ‘You guys suck!’”
Schmoop (via Twitter 2 minutes later): “You guys suck!” 

Jay: “Did you see how much these GOP candidates are worth? Bachmann is worth $2.8 million, Huntsman $17.8 million and Romney up to $250 million.”
Matt: “Why would anyone worth that much want to be president. If I had two million I’d be sitting here on my couch watching the view being fed hotdogs by exotic babes.”
Jay: “Exactly. Well, maybe not watching the view. I know you have a thing for Joy Behar though.”
Matt: “She is pretty hot.” 

Jay: “Instead, I’ll just sit here and stare at this pic of Ellen Page. She’s a pretty damn cute lesbian (allegedly).”
Matt: “She is.”
Jay: “Such a pretty face.”
Matt: “Oh yeah. She’s just damn pretty.  No Scarlett Johansson, but still cute.”
Jay: “Yeah, very true. Okay, so phobias right?”
Matt: “Yup, Phobias. Heights, spiders, snakes, bridges all that stuff.”
Jay: “Yeah, and our listeners all suffer from phonephobia. Haha!”
Matt: “And escalators. Lots of people are afraid of those.”
Jay: “And maybe I’ll make a few up.”
Matt: “Good idea.”
Jay: “Okay, so good show prep!”
Matt: “Hell yeah! Very professional.”

So there you have it! That’s how the magic is made. And don’t forget, we’ll be talking Phobias and Fears tonight on “I’m With Stupid” at 6:30 EDT.