KLM and Royal Dutch Airlines...Home for the Holidays

Jay, Matt-Man, and diverse worldwide readers everywhere, Guy Ahnyurdyck here for I’m With Stupid.

As you know, I am the Dutch-based foreign correspondent for IWS and I have just landed in the States to spend the holidays with Jay, Matt-Man, Marty Martstein, Kim Fragile, Slyder Balzcock, and the entire IWS family.

I am currently in Bagwine, Ohio being hosted by Matt-Man and the ever incredible and edible Schmoop, as they have welcomed me into their cozy flat on Bagwine’s trendy lower East Side.

I had a bit of a turbulent and troublesome time making my way to their digs, but I have made it here at long last, with few bruises, most of my luggage, and a modicum of my dignity…still intact.

As fate would have it, my seasonal sojourn to America was fraught with a cornucopia of confusion, conundrums, and…complications.

After waiting three hours for the private IWS jet to pick me up, I phoned the home office and they said in a jolly and Christmas-like manner, “Oops…we forgot.”  So…

They hurriedly booked me a coach seat on KLM Flight 211, non-stop from Amsterdam to Detroit.  When the chips are down and Guy is stuck, the staff at IWS know how to make things happen.

After surviving several hours in the air and an in-flight meal of Haggis, Chick Peas, and Butterscotch Pudding while sitting next to a sound asleep septuagenarian with an overflowing colostomy bag, we completed our leap across the liquid barrier of linguistics we Euros call the Atlantic Ocean, and touched down in Detroit.

Upon arrival I was greeted by customs folks, TSA agents, and a tiny, tearful misshapen man named Verne who asked me for ten bucks so he could have the microchip that the CIA had planted in his head some forty years ago, removed from his scarred and swollen head.

As I hadn’t yet converted my money into U.S. dollars, I handed him 30 Euros…Verne kicked me in the shins, peed on my shoes, called me, “a piece of faggoty Euro-Trash”, and limped away on his one prosthetic leg that oddly had a club foot by design.

I made my way outside of the aeroport, and outside the doors of Concourse A waited for the IWS limousine to transport me to Bagwine some three plus hours away. I waited for more than an hour, and yet…I saw no smiling limo driver holding a sign that read, "Guy Ahnyurdyck or IWS."  So…

I made several hurried and harried calls to Matt-Man, to Schmoop, to Jayman, to the office.  No one picked up.  Fortunately, I was befriended by a lovely lady of Nubian persuasion who asked where I was going.

I told her that I was going to Bagwine, Ohio and she said that she had a delivery to make in Dayton, Ohio for her Uncle Toot Suite that had to be there by 5 PM, so if I gave her 300 bucks she would, “haul my dike-fingerin' ass down there.”

I converted my money, paid her, and after she told me not to look in the back of the van as it contained, “life saving plasma of sorts”, we were off to Matt-Man’s.

On the trip down, I and the lovely Lolita Florence, or as her friends call her, Lo-Flo, exchanged pleasantries, bon mots, and a case of Steel Reserve.

Shortly after we arrived and my drunken and feeble attempt to grope Schmoop’s fun bags, I passed out.  Lo-Flo?  She had three more 211’s and Matt-Man managed to get a pic of her before she left for Dayton.

Anyways…

I’m here now.  I’m safe now, and I’m thinking…

After this harrowing trip…I get to spend time with my friends, AND the IWS Office Christmas Party will be broadcast live tomorrow night at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio…this may be the greatest holiday season I have ever had.

And to Lo-Flo?

I hope you got your life saving plasma to the people who truly needed it.

Merry Christmas America, and “See” You Saturday Night at 11 PM EST !!

Guy Ahnyurdyck

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/MattManIWS

Sweetest Day Gift Ideas...By Kim Fragile

Hi all you yummy, mustard dipped bratwurst boys, and you Good Ship Tuna Boat chicks out there…

Kim Fragile here for I’m With Stupid.

If you have listened to the I’m With Stupid radio show for awhile you know me, but some of you new listeners and more so, website readers may not.

As I said, my name is Kim Fragile, and that’s pronounced Frah-JEE-Lee by the way, like in Christmas Story, and yeah, most people think I am Italian because of it, but I’m not.

My heritage can be traced to parents who are a case study in matrimonial fucked-up-ness involving a nuptialized union between people of Basque and Faroe Island descent. Anyway…

Matt-Man (dickhead) and Jayman (yummy) wanted to know if I could do a post for IWS today because they are attending a, “Social Media Mogul Conference” in Paducah, KY.

I said yes, even though I know that they are both probably doing nothing more than pathetically cruising High Schools for sad, over-developed, teary-eyed 17 year old chicks in need of a date to their Homecoming Dance…Sick Fucks.

I have been with IWS since its inception in August of 2010, and have worked as a bit player, roving reporter, and company squeeze box ass model, and let me tell ya…I have cred, so let’s get to my thoughts, post haste…

Men, listen up. Saturday is Sweetest Day, so…if you are wanting a little sumpin sumpin from your woman, you best be prepared for this incredibly meaningless, shallow, and degrading “holiday”, because if you don’t…

You’ll end up feeling meaningless, shallow, and degraded, and really…

Other than when doing the walk of shame from a stranger’s apartment to your car in the parking lot at 6:30 AM on a Sunday, with hair askew, and pants on backward, that’s no way to go through life. Trust me on that.

So guys, go out today whether you have a “sweetest” or not, and get some gifts.

Be a Boy Scout about this and be prepared in case your special, beanie wearin’ Brownie needs a little coaxing or you go to a bar and meet a buxom 38 year old Girl Scout who is on the fence about selling you her box o’cookies.

Personally, I like traditional gifts…Flowers, candy…edible underwear, but I also like to be surprised.

A couple years ago, Jayman and Matt-Man got together and bought me a two hour date with Tom Cruise through a charity auction, and I had a blast.

I spent my 120 minutes with Mr. Top Gun at his apartment and we traded lingerie stories, noshed on scrambled eggs and celery with cream cheese served by his man-servant Brice, and all the while danced together as I flicked my cigarette ashes into the ashtray precariously nestled atop his cute, little head.

It was sweet…and that is what Sweetest Day is all about. Sometimes though, Sweetest Day gifts miss the mark.

You see…

A year after that, our IWS correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck bought me a night out with that midget who was in the Austin Powers movies. It was a nice thought, but the diminutive fucker spent the entire night dancing on my sofa, and it was Tom Cruise all over again.

Been there Guy, and thanks for the thought, but I’ll never be having sex by playing a game of, Oprah and the Vertically Challenged Actor.

I guess my point is this…Women suck. They’re greedy. They’re selfish. And…They expect to be put on a pedestal, so guys…

This Saturday on Sweetest Day put them on a pedestal, get them drunk, and spin them ‘round til’ they puke. Then you can clean it up, and if they remember it, they’ll go, “awwwwwww, my hero.” ‘Cause you see…

Besides being some of the meanest, self-serving people on earth, many women are also stupid.

This is Kim Fragile saying Happy Sweetest Day, and I’m off to have a three way with Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman, because God knows Tom Cruise never had sex with ‘em. Dumb Fuck.

If you want to reach me, or ask me out, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Anders Behring Breivik: Super Trouper

Jay…Matt-Man…IWS Readers…Everyone’s fave Dutch news hound, Guy Ahnyurdyck here with an update on the fanatic fjordian and homegrown Norwegian terrorist, Anders Behring Breivik.

A cacophony of criminal profilers and psychiatric types have poured over his lengthy online manifesto in hopes of gaining insight in to what lead to this Madmanavian’s massacration of dozens of free-thinking youth on the isle of Utoya, and heathenistic Oslonians within the capital city of Norge.

Many have speculated that Breivik suffered from an over-zealous hatred of Muslims and was in his mind trying to keep Norway safe from dirty, non-bacon eating Muslims in the name of Christianity, but that theory was quickly blown out of the water by FOX News when they reported…

Christians do not kill out of hate!!

Upon hearing that report from FOX and Friends anchor, and Murrowesque journalist Steve Doocy, I knew it was up to me to fill the vacuum and discover the true reasoning and motive behind the shootings of one, Anders Behring Breivik, or as I refer to him…

The Killer Who is but One Initial Away from Being a One Man ABBA Band…

And that my friends is a fact of foreshadowing that illuminated the reasons behind the Ogre of Oslo going on a rampage.

Being the award-winning journalist that I am, I broke into I was welcomed into Mr. Breivik’s flat and discovered something that sent my synapses into super happy Chinese fireworks mode.

Breivik’s flat was littered with ABBA albums, ABBA posters, and ABBA news articles. Big deal you say?

It is a big deal because as this nose for the news noticed, one Anni-Frid Lyngstad’s vocals, pictures, and mentions among the Swedish supergroup’s paraphernalia were completely erased and/or marked out.

I also came across his diary and was truly touched by an entry from 1982 where he was immobilized by tears when ABBA broke up. He blamed the break-up on the one Norwegian in the band…

The lone non-Swede, the only non blue-eyed blonde, and the last “A” in the band ABBA, one Anni-Frid Lyngstad.

From that day forward, his diary became full of entries in reference to taking out his frustration of the break-up of ABBA on non-Scandinavian looking Norwegians, as well as one day singing Dancing Queen with Agnetha, Benny, and Bjorn.

And now, you see what I do…

Anders Behring Breivik is not a radical, right-wing Christian, hell bent on destroying Islam.

Anders is but a musical purist who merely wants to be the last “A” in ABBA.

Is that so wrong?

This is Guy Ahnyurdyck, tossing it back to you guys…on the website.