One Has To Love Oneself In Order To Love Others

Last night Jayman and I were talking on Twitter about trying to make the IWS website a more profound and respectable place.

After our conversation, as it was my turn to write, and with no topic on hand, I said to myself…

“Dumbass, let’s just change course and make that dream happen.”

Jay and I often take the time, and more specifically your time, to publicly whine, bitch, and “let it all go” in a negative way, so I thought that today?

I’d write about what makes me happy. Join me, won’t you?  I hope you do…

I love the smell of bacon frying.  I especially love the smell of bacon frying when it’s my BFF/OSP Schmoop, doing the frying of said bacon.

When Schmoop is frying bacon, and I am at my computer, I can hear her from the kitchen, in a joyful, and carefree, lilting tone, half-singing and half-humming an incoherent nonsense song…it’s relaxing.

In fact it would even be hotter and more joyful, if she were frying it naked, but my joy would quickly turn to sorrow, as I heard her lilting tones turn to screams of pain and anguish as the bacon grease little by little, scarred her exposed body.

I really enjoy taking a shower.  In the shower, I am alone, and can sing at the top of my lungs and there is not a critic in the house.  And it’s nice as well, that I can re-live the magic of having had sex with a different former girlfriend with each new shower.  And?  Even ponder some future trysts.

You know what else I like?

Talking to God about giving me the strength to tell my BFF/OSP this publicly, and for even joking about thinking of other women while I was in the shower.  It brings the Almighty and I closer together…on a daily basis no less.  I like that, and Praise Jeebus!!

I love how people shower my partner in crime, Jayman, with cascades of praise as to how sweet he is.  I too love him for that, and in a couple of years, I will love Jayman and the money I make off of him even more, when I release my book…

“Jayman Unleashed:  The Direct Messages To, and Private Phone Calls He Had, with Matt-Man”

Even though over the next week I will be working 62 hours at the Beer Mine, I am happy to see the owner get away for a desperately needed vacation, however what I am really happen to see happen, is the, Buy One, Get One Free Sale that I’ll be running while he’s gone for a week.

Oh yeah Bitches, I’ll be moving some product out the door of the Beer Mine starting this Saturday!! And why?  Because I love.

And love is what I am all about…

Yeah bitches, the Love.

Annnnnd…If you wanna hear some love on Blog Talk Radio…You need to listen to the show that Jayman and I did with Nicole Russin yesterday on the IWS Radio Show.

We talked vegans; we talked sausages (realistic and otherwise); we talked Wal*Mart; we talked cupcakes, bigots, and SPAM.  Oh My!!

We covered it all, and you can catch it all right here in archives:

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com

@mattmaniws

Jenna Talackova Naked!! Heidi Montag Naked!! Donald Trump Naked!!

Y’know folks…something disturbing happened yesterday.

I, the Matt-Man, the man of a thousand quotes, queries, and quantitative physics problems rolling around in my head at any given time was called…

“A twelve year old.”

In fact my friends, and lovers of all things I’m With Stupid related, the exact quote was this…

“I think both you and Jay are a couple of dudes with the sense of humor of twelve year old boy.”

After three minutes of loudly feigning expressing my outrage, and correcting her quantitative grammar problem, I bellowed to the loquitur of said character impugnment:

“I am not a twelve year old boy, and my humor is always on the cutting edge.”

What I really wanted to say was, in my best impersonation of the Crazy World of Arthur Brown:

“I am the God of hell fire and I bring you fire…”  and continue on in my Al Sharpton voice by saying:

“Oh look at you…you gots the blueberries alllll over your face.”  But…

I didn’t.  For that would be juvenile.

So instead, I attacked her accusatory statement by using simple, everyday logic with the following diatribe…

Listen…

You act like Jayman and I are nothing but a couple of heathens who want nothing more than to score cheap hits on our website by posting tawdry pictures of hot babes that are labeled with their name followed by, “naked”, or “sexy”, or “boobies”.

If that were the case, I would post a picture of the new transgender Miss Universe contestant from Canada, Jenna Talackova like this one:

And then, would label it with her name and add something like, “naked, hot, sexy” to it, which I did, but only to illustrate a point.

I am all for former men being invited to participate in Donald Trump’s Miss Universe pageant.  Does that sound like the attitude of a twelve year old?

Uh-huh…I didn’t think so...and just like I asked Donald Trump on Twitter last night…

“Does she have camel toe?”

Tell a twelve year old to come up with that line of humor.  Word.

See?  Jayman and I, are men of sophisticated tastes, humor, and upbringing.

You’ll never catch me making fun of stroke-ridden Dick Clark by saying, “Happy Doo Year” and then miscounting down to the New Year.

You’ll never hear Jayman uttering, “Trick or Treating in the projects would suck.”

Nope.  We are far more sophisticated than that.  Far more sophisticated than a twelve year old boy.

We don’t make wee-wee jokes, poopie jokes, or hoo-ha jokes.

We simply tell it like it is, and we do not, and will not post cheap pictures like this:

Because, well…it isn’t right.

Instead, we write on this site and turn in high performance shows like the one we did yesterday…

Jayman and I discussed what was in our local newspapers and had a heck of a good time doing so, as our fave Kentucky Jew, Sweet Pea, called in.

You can catch the hilarious show in the archives here:

And remember, as a cutting edge comedic person without the sense of humor of twelve year old, I also do not find it funny when I am watching TV and a commercial for Siemens comes on.

Trust me, I do not laugh at Siemens commercials, nor would I title this post in a manner simply to attract readers.  I'm not a frickin' twelve year old for Godssakes.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

KLM and Royal Dutch Airlines...Home for the Holidays

Jay, Matt-Man, and diverse worldwide readers everywhere, Guy Ahnyurdyck here for I’m With Stupid.

As you know, I am the Dutch-based foreign correspondent for IWS and I have just landed in the States to spend the holidays with Jay, Matt-Man, Marty Martstein, Kim Fragile, Slyder Balzcock, and the entire IWS family.

I am currently in Bagwine, Ohio being hosted by Matt-Man and the ever incredible and edible Schmoop, as they have welcomed me into their cozy flat on Bagwine’s trendy lower East Side.

I had a bit of a turbulent and troublesome time making my way to their digs, but I have made it here at long last, with few bruises, most of my luggage, and a modicum of my dignity…still intact.

As fate would have it, my seasonal sojourn to America was fraught with a cornucopia of confusion, conundrums, and…complications.

After waiting three hours for the private IWS jet to pick me up, I phoned the home office and they said in a jolly and Christmas-like manner, “Oops…we forgot.”  So…

They hurriedly booked me a coach seat on KLM Flight 211, non-stop from Amsterdam to Detroit.  When the chips are down and Guy is stuck, the staff at IWS know how to make things happen.

After surviving several hours in the air and an in-flight meal of Haggis, Chick Peas, and Butterscotch Pudding while sitting next to a sound asleep septuagenarian with an overflowing colostomy bag, we completed our leap across the liquid barrier of linguistics we Euros call the Atlantic Ocean, and touched down in Detroit.

Upon arrival I was greeted by customs folks, TSA agents, and a tiny, tearful misshapen man named Verne who asked me for ten bucks so he could have the microchip that the CIA had planted in his head some forty years ago, removed from his scarred and swollen head.

As I hadn’t yet converted my money into U.S. dollars, I handed him 30 Euros…Verne kicked me in the shins, peed on my shoes, called me, “a piece of faggoty Euro-Trash”, and limped away on his one prosthetic leg that oddly had a club foot by design.

I made my way outside of the aeroport, and outside the doors of Concourse A waited for the IWS limousine to transport me to Bagwine some three plus hours away. I waited for more than an hour, and yet…I saw no smiling limo driver holding a sign that read, "Guy Ahnyurdyck or IWS."  So…

I made several hurried and harried calls to Matt-Man, to Schmoop, to Jayman, to the office.  No one picked up.  Fortunately, I was befriended by a lovely lady of Nubian persuasion who asked where I was going.

I told her that I was going to Bagwine, Ohio and she said that she had a delivery to make in Dayton, Ohio for her Uncle Toot Suite that had to be there by 5 PM, so if I gave her 300 bucks she would, “haul my dike-fingerin' ass down there.”

I converted my money, paid her, and after she told me not to look in the back of the van as it contained, “life saving plasma of sorts”, we were off to Matt-Man’s.

On the trip down, I and the lovely Lolita Florence, or as her friends call her, Lo-Flo, exchanged pleasantries, bon mots, and a case of Steel Reserve.

Shortly after we arrived and my drunken and feeble attempt to grope Schmoop’s fun bags, I passed out.  Lo-Flo?  She had three more 211’s and Matt-Man managed to get a pic of her before she left for Dayton.

Anyways…

I’m here now.  I’m safe now, and I’m thinking…

After this harrowing trip…I get to spend time with my friends, AND the IWS Office Christmas Party will be broadcast live tomorrow night at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio…this may be the greatest holiday season I have ever had.

And to Lo-Flo?

I hope you got your life saving plasma to the people who truly needed it.

Merry Christmas America, and “See” You Saturday Night at 11 PM EST !!

Guy Ahnyurdyck

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/MattManIWS

Celebrating Fat Girls !!

Y‘know?

Jayman and I have been website and internet radio partners for over a year now, and I love the guy, however…

His post yesterday about how skinny chicks get crapped on by men and women in life, and specifically, within the spider web of drunken neurons and itchy “Enter” key fingers that is social media, left me feeling a bit empty…a bit…I dunno….

Feeling like I had gone to a fine restaurant and all I got was a salad and bowl of luke warm consommé.

I hungered for a counterpoint after reading Jay’s articulations and assertions on how fine, sexy, and healthy, thin chicks are.

Let me tell you right now folks…I dig fat chicks.

Fat, voluptuous, thick, broad across the beam…no matter what you want to call these ladies of larger proportions, I am down with the mounds of ground round that are the big chicks.

I like the bigger broads for a myriad of reasons. Allow me to ’splain….

I am a hemophiliac, and having sex with a skinny chick could result in some serious set backs for me. For instance…

Back in 2005, Kate Moss wanted to have sex with me. She was cute and funny and all that, but I could foresee myself bangin’ away on her, and then one of her ribs piercing my skin, and puncturing my lung.

My kid seeing the coroner’s pictures of me in my, gasping for air, non-coagulating, swimming in the gruel of forced vomitization from Kate’s last supper of a Kalamata olive death, is not the impression I would like him to be left with…so I passed.

No, my friends, I dig thick chicks. They have plenty to offer.

The first thing that comes to mind is that they are obviously comfortable in their own skin. If they weren’t, the wouldn’t have so much of it. I do like a chick who exudes that, “take me as I am” attitude, with a smile and a body as big as the Montana sky.

With big chicks, sex is never a problem…You can have sex anywhere, anytime. I’m not talking public places folks; I’m talking places on their bodies. Holy Cow!!

So many folds, so little time.

Hell, you can be dry humping her leg, find a crevice, and the next thing you know, you swollen manhood has been swallowed up by the Whore of Cellulite. It doesn’t do much for her libido, but man oh man, does your prostate feel better after that seminal explosion.

And what’s great? Even though it didn’t do much for her, her post-femur-coital reply is…

“Glad you feel better, honey…turn on the football game, and I’ll order pizza. I‘m starving.”

Oh yeahhhhhhhhh. What would a skinny bitch say after something like that?

“Godammit you bastard…You shot your load all over me, and now instead of weighing 101.8 pounds, I weigh 102.2...Where’s the Syrup of Ipecac? I need to toss some bile.”

Another thing…Big chicks have the cutest faces. Seriously, you men out there…how many times have you said to yourself…

“Damn she’s cute…too bad she’s a biggin’.” Uh-huh… I know, so don’t lie.

Actually all chicks rawwwwwk…

Thin, thick, black, white, etc, etc. all of them rock… Well…many, but not all, because say what you will ladies, there are as many of you that are assholes as there men who are; stupid knows no gender.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

The Torch is Passed

When walking through the library of comedy and broadcast journalism one can check out the dynamic duos of hilarity and masculinity that make up the best of big and small screen, radio, and the tubes of the internets.

The tittering timeline of comedy is full of manly duos that have made us laugh uproariously…

Laurel and Hardy. Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David…Donald Trump and Gary Busey.

Likewise, in the field of broadcast journalism, masculine dyads of info dissemination have graced the lives and minds of us all…

Huntley and Brinkley. Harry Reasoner and Howard K. Smith…Sean Hannity and Greta Van Sustern.

Nearly a year ago, the torch that had been lit by the aforementioned giants of hilarity and masculinity was passed on.

Passed on to the now famous duo known to all as, Matt-Man and Jayman.

Yes indeed, Jayman and I are the heirs to the lineage of the greats that have preceded us, and…it makes good sense.

Jayman and I are the embodiments of all these greats rolled into one, and we go one step above by adding the panache of Siegfried and Roy and the tenderness of Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal.

In us, history has built the Perfect Two-Headed Beast of News and Entertainment.

And after nearly a year on internet radio doing the I’m With Stupid show, we will continue to growl with hilarity and spit out the news like a hyena vomiting from a bad piece of wildebeest.

To mark our one year anniversary of doing I’m With Stupid Jayman and I will be celebrating the historical and hysterical event on both Saturday’s show at 6:30 PM EDT and Monday’s show at 11:00 AM EDT, for one show is not enough to give kudos to our genius.

Of course, we’ve had some help in the process. Correspondents, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Dick Burns, Marty Martenstein, Kim Fragile, and Slyder Balzcock have scoured the earth for incredible stories.

The likes of Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, and others have provided an endless supply of mockable material.

All of the babes who have graciously supplied IWS with pictures of their gorgeous bodies doubling as I’m With Stupid billboards give the show and website needed hotness.

And most importantly, you the listeners and callers make the I’m With Stupid show the complete package.

So please join us Saturday and Monday as Jayman and I take a sentimental stroll back through year one and boldly look ahead to year two of IWS.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS