Some Things Are Coming Less Easily To Matt

Cheers and suck my Schwedy balls people…

Ha actually, I don’t want you to do that, because it wouldn’t be good for either of us, but...

Man, it was hot.

In fact, I worked Friday and all Saturday at the Beer Mine, and it was 101 on Friday and 103 on Saturday.

And, because people are incredibly stupid, I wrote this directive:

Most people who actually saw the sign, laughed, and gave me a dollar, but as you know…I hate that, and as I am all about excellent customer service, and the sign was, well…funny….

I’ll take a dollar where I can get it, because while I am upright, I am also, destitute and unworthy…would you please…contribute…to a boy…like me?  Anyhoo…

When I wrote the, don’t ask how hot it is sign, I thought of a few other sayings I don’t want to hear, and which although gladly accepted in our culture, are completely stupid.  Annnnnnd, here they are bitches…

Easy Come, Easy Go… No…It was not easy to get her to COME marry me, and it is even harder to get her to GO and divorce me.

You Must Have a Kink in your Neck…What the hell is a kink?  Is it Ray Davie?  Did he get stuck in the bicycle chain of my fucking neck?  I don’t understand.

Plurals on Names…I hate that, and it sounds worse when I hear people say, “your Benito Mussolinis”,  “your Adolf Hitlers“, “your stupid people who evidently don’t know that these people are SINGULAR!!”

My A/C is ON THE FRITZ…What, who, and/or where is the damn FRITZ?  I understand that the FRITZ is not good, but could someone tell me what the who, what, or where the FRITZ is?

Ain’t Nothing but a Thing…What the hell is that?  That has to be the stupidest phrase I have ever heard. It makes no sense, other than that it is typically uttered by black people, and then the laziness of the phrase comes together.  Fucking lazy English speakers.

Do You Have dem Fitty Cent Juices?  Ha…No we don’t…Sure you do the people say, they’re right there.  Oh, I say, those are called Big Hugs and they don’t sell for “Fitty Cent“, dumbass.  Well gimme one uv dem.  Me?  Oy.

I like to speak and write colloquially, but I also respect the language when I am typing something serious.  Others, and well, many, don’t feel the same…they speak whatever they want anytime.

I like the English language.

I like to make the English language my bitch.

Unfortunately, many younger people like to make the English a second language.

Yeah, I’m an old man I guess, but if hating young people bastardizing the English language makes me old…I can live with that.

And kiddies...Jayman and Matt-Man talked to Carrie Welch yesterday...They talked about her days on the Food Network and what she is doing now at Little Green Pickle to hear it all, play on:

Haters Gonna Hate...But I Choose Not To

Hiya and Cheers Chuckleheads!!

Y’know…I’m pushing 50 years of age…I am a man with 47 years under his belt, and…

Jayman and I did a show yesterday about Haters.

They hate everything.  Prices at the pump…prices on smokes…the way people talk, and…you name it, some folks are simply born to be haters, and sadly, and most importantly…

Haters hate people.

Yep….They hate you.  They hate him.  They hate her, and ultimately, and more profoundly…

They hate me.

IKR!?

How could anyone hate the Matt-Man?  It’s like, a non-sequitir.

And yet…some people do, and I, until last night, hated them as well right back.  However…

I am flippin’ my hate and becoming, one magnificent Matt-Man Love Machine.  No, it’s true!!

Take last night for instance…

Typically on Facebook on Sundays after the IWS show, when I have nothing better to do other than to get drunk and raise Hell, I do so, and proceed to alienate my “friends” on Facebook.  Well folks…

Yesterday, I did none of that.  Nope.  I barely posted, and what I did post, was mainly a couple of old 80’s songs, and then guess what happened?

I announced to the world that I was going to go have a beer on my porch of the palatial digs, and I did….and then…

I wanted to do it again, so I went back to the digs, and on the way out after picking up my second beer, I knocked on my neighbor’s door.

He answered.  I said, “grab a beer and come out front with me.”  He did, and we chatted.  Through three beers and 45 minutes, our differences in politics, life, or whatever, dissolved into just two guys sitting out front.

We just, “shot the shit”, as it were.

Lasty week, some chick that I have known for six years or so, gave me shit because I favored a couple of women with whom I grew up more than her.

This same chick called me a popularity whore, a man who lacks loyalty, and one who has no class.  She went on to say that she had known me for six years and I was taking side with a couple of “newbies.”

Ha.

First of all, the women I sided with, and encouraged, and hoped to in the future make love to were not newbies. I have known them for almost four decades, but…

That’s not the point.

The point is, when one gets older, goes out on the porch, and looks up at a beautifully shaped crescent moon, one smiles.

When one knocks on the door of a guy who shares discordant political views and asks him to have a beer with him, and he accepts, one smiles.

And when a person can spend his life with his best friend through many ups and downs, he certainly smiles.

And THAT is the point.

Perceived likeness, loyalty, and the “hey I knew him first shit” got nothing on the quality of friendships.

There are a handful of people I would go down with on the ship of life, and guess what?

They are chicks I have known forevah, a skinny, non-cooking chick I have come to love, and a guy with whom I do a radio show.

As for the people who have been part of my disloyal, hit page whore parade…Go fuck yourselves.  I am too old to have time for that, and for you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws 

And by the way...Jayman and I did a show about Haters yesterday...No, it's true!!  Give it a listen and see if you were mentioned.  A lot of people were...I mean...a lot of haters were:

I Am a Prick, But I Think I Am Getting Better

“An excellent man, he has no enemies, and none of his friends like him.”
--Oscar Wilde

I dig Oscar Wilde.  Oscar Wilde and I are much alike, well…other than his penchant for enjoying the buggery type of sex, but I tell ya…

He was an Irishman who was as wise as he was witty, and that my friends is a unique gift, and I experienced that this weekend in the form of several incongruous meetings, chats, and happenstances.

Several “things”, spontaneous meet-ups, and kind words from the mouths of others, brought me out of a mild funk that I had been in, and the funny thing is…

I never feel that I deserve any of it, because to paraphrase the Wilde quote above, and how it relates to me…

I’m a prick!!  And yet, for whatever reason, people like me.  Still.

I do have to say, a lot of my prickness comes from years of biting my tongue where my kid and mother are involved and then just recently realizing of late…

“Hey, I only have 52 legally required payments left on that make and model, and then my check is all mine...well...Schmoop's.”

Those of you helping to support a child in addition to having an angry ex-spouse, or in my case, quasi-ex-spouse, know that feeling, and know how liberating that feeling is.

And so yeah, while I left my wife 14 years ago, only now, with a smirk, and anemic financial independence looming, do I have the self-aggrandizing freedom to tell her, and to all y’all…fuck off.

And I would do just that, however…I can’t.

I am one sick son of a bitch who has this nasty nice streak within him, which compels me to want everyone to be happy in spite of how much I my or may not hate them.

G-Dawg, I Hate It!!  And let me tell ya, I couldn’t act upon my prickishness this weekend because several good things happened.

Friday, we were only quasi-busy, but folks were tipping me like I was Scar-Jo on a Dance-Po.

Saturday?

My BFF/OSP Schmoop, and her brother came through.  They were both in good moods which for those of you who don’t know them, that happens once in 150 years.  Those two were like Venus in transit.

After a more than unexciting day, around 4 this chick came through.  She….was….hot.  And I knew her.  I have actually known her for some thirty years, and yet don’t know her.

She smiled at me, I got a hard-on, hid my bad teeth, and sent her on her way with a 12 pack of Bud Light bottles, as she handed me a dollar tip, and a feeling of not knowing where I was.

I stood there smiling until I heard the next customer chime in my ear, “Could I have a 24 of Labatt’s Ice and a Slim Jim?”

After I responded, “$3.47.”, and collected his money, my thoughts turned to the woman who had just  left and threw me off my game.  She came through because she liked me, as did Schmoop, and as do others.

And I thought…

“You’re such a jerk sometimes, Mahoney.  There are a lot of people who like you. Why don’t you accept that, and delight in the fact that you make some people smile, and ignore this one asshole?”

And my answer to myself is always the same…

“If only smiles came with money, and if only people knew I was becoming this callous.”

If that were the case, and to paraphrase my hero Oscar Wilde, my friends would not like me, but I’d have huge tips, and I would have no enemies.

Pffffft.....I'll take having the friends over the tips any day.  And enemies?  Bring em'on!!

Sorry Oscar...

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

We also did one helluva joke show on IWS yesterday.  Jay and Matt were cutting up and the lovely Schmoop called in with some joke about her boyfriend.  Good times were had by all, so give it a listen, if you haven't already...

Father and Sun

“My father considered a walk among the mountains as the equivalent of churchgoing.”
--Aldous Huxley

Today June 5th, marks the once in a lifetime astronomical event when Venus transits in front of the Sun, and appears as a small, insignificant speck against our bold and life giving Sun.

Today also happens to be my dad’s birthday.  If he were alive today, that lovable bastard would be turning 91.

But of course he is no longer with us; he passed on nearly 14 years ago, which considering all he accomplished during his 78 years, was a pretty good run.

He helped to produce nine kids, two books of poetry, and had one wife to whom he was married fifty-two years, when he died.

Pretty good for a working class Irish-Catholic guy with nothing other than many mouths to feed, a high school education, a work ethic beyond reproach, a love for his wife and his kids, and most importantly, a love for the English language.

But let me share a secret with ya…My dad was one grumpy bastard for much of his life.

Sometimes he would be so grumpy that he would let loose his skilled use of the English language upon us children, and say something like…

“God Damn It!!”

Ha…As devoutly Catholic as my dad was, instead of shrinking and cowering to the distant teachings of the Pope, my dad felt that he HAD every right to invoke God’s name, and did so on numerous occasions.

My dad was also a nature lover, and if he were alive today, he would be watching Venus in transit across the sun today, as I will be.

In a rare occurrence, Venus will transit the Sun and appear as a speck across our larger than life celestial star today, and…well it kinda says something to me.

When I see Venus as a speck against the great and golden illuminating prowess of the Sun, I am going to see myself as that speck in the greatness that was my dad.

I’ll never be as successful as my dad.  I’ll never be as nice as my dad…I’ll never have the once in a lifetime love as my dad, but…

I’ll always have his love of words, his sense of humor, and his love for people.

And for me?

That’s enough, however…

He could have also given me his good hair, good gums, and good eyesight as well.

But instead I got Mom's; thanks a lot Dad.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws 

Divorce...A One Trick Pony

She's a one trick pony
One trick is all that horse can do
She does one trick only
It's the principal source of her revenue.

Ha.  I love Paul Simon.  In my lifetime, no one has summed up every aspect of life quite like he has.  The man is a genius, and soothsayer.

Me?

I’m nothing more than a purveyor of humorous political punditry, tawdry tales, and half truths.

Yet, we here at IWS pride ourselves on exposing the stupid…The lies in life…The infirmities of human civilization.

I have a half truth to expose here today, and it’s not pretty…Well, it…er, she….er…whatever, used to be pretty but now, not so much.

You see, I became an independent two years ago in order to shed myself of Pelosi, and then this year, became a Republican so I could vote for Santorum, and now, I feel it necessary to bear my soul about something else, in order to let you now what’s going on.

I am still married.

It’s true. I got married in 1987, left in 2000, and yet, the woman who sought and gained matrimony from me, continues to cling to it like grim death, and will not let me go.

I have said things like…I’ll write it up.  What’s the big problem with a dissolution?  You have the house and everything else, what gives?

And yet?

She clings to me, day by bitter day, with the courage to tell me that our permanent, yet impermanent separation is MY fault!!

She will cite and/or make up things like, “You have used me, and want to stay married to me so you don’t have to marry Beth.”  Ha!!

Or she’ll say….“We need an ironclad contract, so you don’t steal anything.”  Like What!!

Or she’ll say… “If only…blah, blah, blah.”  Seriously?

I don’t listen anymore.  I don’t care anymore.  I don’t love her anymore.  And if the truth be told…

She would tell you that she doesn’t love me anymore, but it has become a game of who can get what, and yet the funny thing is…

She's the only one playing and there is nothing left to give.

Although I didn’t have to…I signed away the house; I signed away the cars; I signed away our son.

Yeah, I did all that, and yet…

Even though she despises me so, she will not simply sign on the dotted line and go on with her life as I have with mine.

No, she would never do that.  She likes drama…She likes control…

She likes Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy.

And well…there ya go.

Just had to get that off my chest and I feel better now.

Oh one other thing…As much of a jerk as I was to her, I was never that way when my son was involved.

I for one tried to keep the emotional health of the child separate from our problems, but...

Mizz I Was, But Not Really Diagnosed With Post-Partum Depression But Rather I Was Simply Lazy, Princess?

Not so much.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

She makes it look so easy
She looks so clean
She moves like god's
Immaculate machine

Annnnnd...We did a Prom show where we talk not only about this, but all things Prom-Related.  Such as cover bands, what not to say, and well...you'll just have to find out by listening below:

Life Has Ups and Downs

Hola! How y’all doin’? Good. Man, there isn’t much going on these days. Oh sure, there’s lots happening in the world, but sometimes I just don’t give a shit. You know what I mean? Yeah, I figured you did. So, once again I’ll just meander a bit.

Last week I was at the store buying a few necessities. I got a green pepper, an onion, a can of crushed tomatoes, a can of red kidney beans and some kielbasa. After scanning each of the items, the lady running the register looked at me and said “Red Beans and Rice?” I told her “Oh yeah!” and she replied that she “luuuuuuuuuuuuvs” red beans and rice.

Of course, I immediately proposed to her. Any chick that loves red beans and rice is alright with me. But, she says she isn’t into commitment and has no desire to marry anyone. I can totally respect that and appreciate her honesty. You don’t find that too often these days. Not in this economy.* Anyway, I guess I’m back to my current plan of dying alone.

Earlier today, while I was minding my own business trying to do some guerrilla marketing to push I’m With Stupid podcast I heard a golf ball bang off my neighbor’s door and then mine and then theirs again. This type of thing happens a few times a year. It’s the risks of living on a golf course here at the palatial estates.

So, I took a look out the window and saw a guy on the third tee box hitting and he had the absolute worst swing I’ve ever seen. So, while he was getting another ball out of his bag (he shanked the shot into the water) I ran and got my camera. I turned it on and was just about to video tape his hilarious swing and my camera shut off and said “change batteries.”

Man, story of my life. I go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.

Oh look! There’s that ridiculous Buick commercial starring Shaquille O’Neal? I hate that commercial. Do they really think we’re gonna believe he drives a Buick. Actually, they probably do. And, now that I think about it there probably are a bunch of people who do believe it. What a bunch of stupid idiots.

Aren’t all idiots stupid? I guess they are. I could look it up, but I’m just going to assume that an idiot is also stupid, which probably means I’m a stupid idiot too since I said it. This is actually one of my biggest fears. I make fun of people for being so stupid so much mostly because I’m afraid I’m one of ‘em. Kind of like how most men who think calling another guy “gay” is the ultimate insult are probably closet cases. Or something like that.

Damn, I’m almost at 500 words and I just now started getting deep and shit. Oh well, I’ll have to worry about that stuff some other time. Gotta keep blog posts short. I know how busy you guys all are.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

*I know that didn’t really make any sense, but I’m trying to use “not in this economy” to explain people’s actions as often as I can.