Inside the Saints Bounty Program

By now, I’m sure everyone has heard that the New Orleans Saints had a “Bounty Program” set up to pay off defensive players for big hits and big plays. And, I’m sure you’ve done the appropriate pearl clutching and joined in as the Fake Outrage Machine™ was turned up to 11 again. I’m especially fond of Steve Young’s “WHAT WILL WE TELL THE CHEEEELDRIN!” plea.

Well, once again, the IWS Sports Investigative Team is on the case! And, we have uncovered not only the dirty plays, but what the payout was for each of them. Check them out and be as disgusted as we are.

1. Towel Snap: $250
2. Flat Tire: $500
3. Ear Thump: $500
4. Noogies: $500
5. Pantsing: $750
6. Shoelacing: $750
7. Hole Tempting: $1,000
8. Indian Burn: $1,000
9. Short Sheet his bed: $1,000
10. Wedgie: $1,250
11. Hang a “Kick Me” sign on back: $1,500
12. Wet Willie: $1,500
13. Fake hickey from pinch: $1,500
14. Purple Nurple: $2,000
15. Three Stooges Eye Poke: $2,500
16. Hurt feelings: $2,500
17. Swirlies: $3,000
18. Ball Buster: $5,000
19. The Business: $5,000
20. Teabagging: $10,000

Now, lest you think I’m making light of this whole thing simply because I’m a Saints fan, you’re wrong. I would have made light of it no matter which team had gotten caught. Now the other teams in the league doing the same thing can quietly disband their bounty programs while tsk, tsking the Saints. And then the Saints can fire head coach Sean Patyon, who will then be suspended and fined, former Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams will be suspended and fined, and the Saints will be fined and lose draft picks.

Then after next season, The Dallas Cowboys can hire Sean Payton as their new head coach and ESPN and the rest of the sports media will pretend that Payton is Mr. Fucking Wonderful again and act like none of this ever happened. And then the NFL’s empty suit Commissioner Roger Goodell can go back to pretending to care about player safety while continuing to push for an 18 game schedule which will result in more player injuries.

See? It’s all no big deal.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

I Am Superfan!

Hola Bitches! Jayman here! As you may know, I’m a bit of a sports junkie. I love keeping up with all leagues and sports. And, I have a few teams that are my favorites. I am a fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks, New Orleans Saints, Houston Texans, Tennessee Titans, San Antonio Spurs, New York Knicks, St. Louis Cardinals, and a few others.

Hell, I’m not just “a” fan; I’m “THE” fan of these teams. I’m the greatest fan of all time! Nobody loves these teams as much as I do. Don’t even try to claim that your level of fandom is as great as mine, because it’s not. You think you’re a great fan, but in reality you’re only a so-so fan. I’ve heard you say negative things about these teams, which means you’re not a REAL fan.

Don’t try to deny it. I heard you saying that the Arkansas offensive line is a sieve, just letting defenses run right through them.  I was right there when you said that the Saints defense has given up more ground than the French Army in 1940. I heard you call the Spurs “old.” And you said the Cardinals a bunch of “average” players with a “washed up” manager who just got lucky.

You can’t be a real fan if you say negative things about your supposedly favorite teams. I’m just not going to put up with it. You should be more like me! I’m the greatest sports fan of all time! Hell, my team could be getting beat 75-0 and I would still let people know that I haven’t given up on them. And, if you dare mention that they might not be that good, I’ll jump all over you and point out that you are a shitty fan and a troll.

Don’t try to give me the old “Hey, I was just expressing an opinion, man” bullshit. The only opinion allowed around here is the one that agrees with mine! There will be no dissension allowed. And don’t try to tell me that you’re just being “realistic” either. You know what reality is? Whatever I say it is!

Arkansas Razorbacks? Best college football team in the country. Not even close. I have no clue how Bama beat them. The Hogs are sooooooo much better than Bama. And, the Hogs deserve a shot at the BCS championship game even over teams that are undefeated.

Spurs? They’re just the perfect combination of veteran leadership and youthful exuberance. If and when the NBA gets underway, they’re gonna dominate the league and then play the Knicks in NBA Finals and win it all! Just like the Cardinals did. I was the only one who knew they were going to win it all. Never had a doubt.

The Saints are just bored with the regular season. They’ll cruise along and when they get to the playoffs, they’ll turn it on and march into to the Super Bowl where they’ll face the winner of the Texans/Titans battle in the AFC Championship game.

Don’t you even think about disagreeing with me for even one second! Like I said, I’m Super Fucking Fan! I’m the greatest fan ever! And you’re a shitty fan because you don’t agree with me 100% of the time. This is the only way it can work. It’s all or nothing. Either you’re with me or you’re against me.

You can go on living in boring old Realitystan, or you can join me here in Awesomeville. It’s your choice. Don’t make the wrong one! 

Jayman

jayman3768@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/jayman_iws