Super Bowl XLVI...A Media Pass Is Not a Free Pass

Hi Babies.  IWS News Hottie, Kim Fragile here, for I’m With Stupid.

I don’t think I’ve talked to you since last October when on Sweetest Day I described to you what an incredibly stupid “holiday” it is.

Chocolates?  Flowers?  Perfume?  Pffffft.

Give me an inflatable bondage chair, a Doctor who prescribes his own Viagra, and an AP News Feed, and I am one happy news woman…but anyhoo…

The other day, I was in the island nation of Madagascar where I was doing an IWS documentary on the effects of big, black African penises inside of a white news reporter who has tsetse flies covering her vagina and hot voodoo candle wax on her nipples, when my cell phone rang.

It was Matt-Man.

He said that a frantic Jayman had told him that the NFL had refused to give our Sports Director, Slyder Balzcock, media credentials to get inside of Lucas Oil Stadium in order to cover Super Bowl XLVI.

After I asked, and Matt-Man explained to me what the hell “ex-el-vee-eye” meant, he told me to go gutter newsie, and get my sexy ass to Indianapolis in order to help the IWS Media Empire secure a Media Pass through my feminine wiles if necessary.

Well let me tell ya…It hasn’t been easy.

I first went the defiant and educated, “Hey, we here at IWS are journalists, and deserve our journalistic right to cover the Super Bowl” route.

I was told by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, that the IWS team exhibits journalistic skills and decorum that the NFL would prefer not to have covering their annual, national celebration of sportsmanship and excellence in athletics.

So…I went above Goodell’s head and asked his wife, FOX News babe Jane Skinner, if she’d like to have sex with me in exchange for an NFL Media Pass.

She told me that while she would like to have sex with me, the last Super Bowl pass she had, had to be given to an adult woman who suffers from mental retardation so she had just given it to her co-worker, Gretchen Carlson.

So, I began a thinkin’…

“Who in the world desperately needs sex and might have a media credential for Super Bowl Ex-El-Vee-Eye?”

I immediately thought of Sean Hannity and Donald Trump. One or both of those wanks has to both, need sex AND have access to a media credential for Slyder.  And…

I was right.

Unfortunately, when I finally got a hold of Hannity, he was with Trump and in between the noise of the rustling sheets and Ned Beatty sqealing sounds, Sean told me that he and The Donald had sold their media passes to Bernie Goldberg and Glenn Beck.

So…I guess I was a day late and a penis short.

Alas…I did my best.  Although….

Maybe if I were to track down Wes Welker’s uber-hot girlfriend, Anna Burns?

Yeah...maybe she could do something for me…Uh-huh, she already does.

And truly?

It doesn't matter to me whether she has a press pass or not. Rowwwrrrrrrr.

Zooooves,

Kim

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaiws

Gambling Expert Johnny Vegas on the NFL Playoffs

Hola Bitches! I’m With Stupid’s gambling expert Johnny Vegas here to breakdown this weekend’s big NFL Playoffs action. There’s lots of money to be made out there, but you gotta know where to look and pay attention to the details. If you don’t do that, the wise guys will take all your money and leave you standing alone in casino sports book and the haggard middle-aged cocktail waitress who’s been banged more times than Ringo Starr’s drum kit won’t even talk to you.

So, here’s my pick’s for this weekend’s games with the favorite in all-caps…

NEW ORLEANS -3.5 @ San Francisco (Sat 4:30 ET Fox): The 49ers defense is harder to score on in that shit hole of a stadium they call Candlestick Park than Viki Malicki back in high school. We used to call her “Viki NoDicki” you know what I’m sayin’? Her vagina had icicles hanging from it. Anyway, the Saints aren’t as good outdoors as they are in the dome and the perfect weather means the Niners field goal game should be in great shape. Niners get 8 field goals and one touchdown and not only cover the three and half points but win outright.

Denver +13.5 @ New England (Sat 8:00 ET CBS): So a lot was made about Tebow throwing for 316 yards last week and his favorite Bible verse being John 3:16, right? Well dig this, if he throws for 233 yards this week, Ezekiel 23:3 says “They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed.” OH YEHHHH BABY that’s some hot stuff right there! Look for the Broncos to play hard right to the finish and lose, but still cover the thirteen and half points.

Houston +7.5 @ Baltimore (Sun. 1:00 ET CBS): Dam, I gotta tell you the truth, I almost forgot this game was being played. These two teams are almost as interesting as reading about Mommy Blogger’s precious little fucking snowflakes. But, I’ve got the stat of the week to help keep you interested. In games played outdoors at 1 pm when the temperature at kickoff is between 29.7̊ F and 33.2̊ F, the Houston Texans are 3-11-2 against the spread and 2-14 overall. Since the game is outdoors and kickoff temps should be right about 30.9̊ F, that makes this an easy pick, take the Ravens to cover the seven and half points and don’t fucking bother watching this snoozefest.

New York Football Giants +8.5 @ Green Bay (Sun. 4:30 ET CBS): By far the most intriguing matchup of the weekend. The Packers are the defending champs and are at home, but their defense has been getting rolled almost as bad as the French Army in WWII. Look for Giants WR Victor Cruz to be doing some sexy salsa dancin’ in the end zone on Sunday. Hey, I’m secure in my manhood enough to admit when I think another man is good looking and has some sexy moves in the hip area. So, I’m expecting the Giants magical run to continue and for them to pull off the HUGE upset here and not only cover the eight and half points, but actually win the game outright. Then, after the game is over you can lean back, close your eyes and visualize Victor Cruz salsa dancing the night away in celebration of the big win. And remember Tebow fans, in Psalms 16:11 it says “In your right hand there are pleasures forever.” I’m just sayin’!

So there you go America, the kind of expert analysis* you just won’t find anywhere else. Hope everyone wins big this weekend!

*If you’re such a pathetic degenerate that you would actually take gambling advice from a fake handicapper on a website called “I’m With Stupid” then you deserve all the bad things that will happen to you.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

And, on Wednesday we broke down the New Hampshire Primary as only we can on I’m With Stupid Podcast. Plus, we introduced the newest presidential candidate running for the republican nomination Mississippi Mike who isn’t from Mississippi! It was pretty much 45 minutes of nonstop hilarity, so check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

I Am Superfan!

Hola Bitches! Jayman here! As you may know, I’m a bit of a sports junkie. I love keeping up with all leagues and sports. And, I have a few teams that are my favorites. I am a fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks, New Orleans Saints, Houston Texans, Tennessee Titans, San Antonio Spurs, New York Knicks, St. Louis Cardinals, and a few others.

Hell, I’m not just “a” fan; I’m “THE” fan of these teams. I’m the greatest fan of all time! Nobody loves these teams as much as I do. Don’t even try to claim that your level of fandom is as great as mine, because it’s not. You think you’re a great fan, but in reality you’re only a so-so fan. I’ve heard you say negative things about these teams, which means you’re not a REAL fan.

Don’t try to deny it. I heard you saying that the Arkansas offensive line is a sieve, just letting defenses run right through them.  I was right there when you said that the Saints defense has given up more ground than the French Army in 1940. I heard you call the Spurs “old.” And you said the Cardinals a bunch of “average” players with a “washed up” manager who just got lucky.

You can’t be a real fan if you say negative things about your supposedly favorite teams. I’m just not going to put up with it. You should be more like me! I’m the greatest sports fan of all time! Hell, my team could be getting beat 75-0 and I would still let people know that I haven’t given up on them. And, if you dare mention that they might not be that good, I’ll jump all over you and point out that you are a shitty fan and a troll.

Don’t try to give me the old “Hey, I was just expressing an opinion, man” bullshit. The only opinion allowed around here is the one that agrees with mine! There will be no dissension allowed. And don’t try to tell me that you’re just being “realistic” either. You know what reality is? Whatever I say it is!

Arkansas Razorbacks? Best college football team in the country. Not even close. I have no clue how Bama beat them. The Hogs are sooooooo much better than Bama. And, the Hogs deserve a shot at the BCS championship game even over teams that are undefeated.

Spurs? They’re just the perfect combination of veteran leadership and youthful exuberance. If and when the NBA gets underway, they’re gonna dominate the league and then play the Knicks in NBA Finals and win it all! Just like the Cardinals did. I was the only one who knew they were going to win it all. Never had a doubt.

The Saints are just bored with the regular season. They’ll cruise along and when they get to the playoffs, they’ll turn it on and march into to the Super Bowl where they’ll face the winner of the Texans/Titans battle in the AFC Championship game.

Don’t you even think about disagreeing with me for even one second! Like I said, I’m Super Fucking Fan! I’m the greatest fan ever! And you’re a shitty fan because you don’t agree with me 100% of the time. This is the only way it can work. It’s all or nothing. Either you’re with me or you’re against me.

You can go on living in boring old Realitystan, or you can join me here in Awesomeville. It’s your choice. Don’t make the wrong one! 

Jayman

jayman3768@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

Vince Lombardi: Today's NFL Sucks!

Hola bitches! Vince Lombardi here to talk about something near and dear to my long decomposed heart. The NATIONAL Football League. And who better to discuss the state of today’s game than me? I mean, they named the freaking Super Bowl trophy after me. That pretty much makes me the all-time expert of experts, amirite? 

The guys at “I’m With Stupid” asked noted medium Will M. Dye to contact me and have me come back and watch some film of the last couple of seasons of the NFL and evaluate the game as it stands today. So, I did it. What the hell else did I have to do? Sit around and play Hearts with George Halas, Tom Landry and Hank Stram? God they bore the shit outta me! 

As I sat here, watching NFL games while eating microwave popcorn and drinking beer I could only think of one thing to say…

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??!! 

Look at these guys! They’re all a bunch of fancy-pants pretty boys.  They prance around the field and jump around and dance and shit after a routine play. They have reality TV shows, whatever the fuck those are. If any of them have a little headache they’re out for two weeks. What a bunch of crybabies!

And what the hell is this team and personal sports psychologist shit? In my day if a player got his feelings hurt or couldn’t handle it mentally, we got rid of him. Now they bring in some pansy-ass to counsel him and tell him that his feelings are valid. And then they tell the coach to handle him with kid gloves. 

I SAY BULLSHIT! 

And you know what? It gets worse. You get a 15 yard penalty if you breathe on the QB too hard. Those twinkle-toe little sissies might as well be wearing an apron and heels out there. And, they’re heading the same direction for the rest of the players. Pretty soon the NFL will be the NFFL: National FLAG Football League. 

Hell, the game itself is pretty damn boring anymore. They kick off from the 35 so every damn kick will sail into the end zone with no return. They don’t want to get the poor guys hurt. Awwwwwwww. Poor widdle footbaw pwayers! Can’t block or tackle hard cause they make so much and the team doesn’t want to hurt their “investment.” 

And the play calling?! OY VEY! I swear if a team has a 3^rd down and a foot, they’ll have the QB turn and throw the ball 10 yards backwards and make the receiver make up all the yards.  I can’t even take it. It’s all about finesse. Little screen passes, bubble screens, seriously, “bubble?” That’s the gayest sounding play I’ve ever heard. What the hell happened to my league? In my day, we played like men. We hit people. We ran the football and didn’t worry about dancing around. We just slammed it up in there. 

And there wasn’t any of this rolling around on the ground in pain either. We sucked it up and kept playing. Now they lay there and the team sends out trainers, a doctor, a nutritionist and that fucking psychologist. While all that is happening the networks show these inane Cialis commercials. Seriously, what’s the fucking deal with those two outdoor tubs? That doesn’t make any fucking sense!

You know what? I can’t take it anymore. I’m going back to the card game with the guys. Even sitting a listening to Coach Halas talk about how painful it is to take a shit is more fun than the NFL anymore. 

--

In other news we had football frenzy on I’m With Stupid on Saturday. Well, we had a frenzy at least. Sunshine State Shirley and her friend Donna BOTH called in.  We did give some expert analysis though. At one point Jayman got off this gem: “Notre Dame played great. I mean they dominated the game, they just didn’t score enough points.”  

Also, we made a big announcement. The announcement is that the Monday show will now be at 11 am EDT on Wednesday. The Saturday show remains at 6:30 pm EDT.  Okay, so check out the show. It rocked and so do you! 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

NBA Needs Creative Trades ....

Hola Bitches!

It's NBA draft time again kids which means we will be watching one of my favorite situations that happens every single year. We will get to watch NBA commissioner David Stern pretend that he can't pronounce the names of the European players who get drafted. Every year it's the same thing. Stern stands up there as if he's Senator Pat Geary trying to pronounce “VEYTOH C-C-Cor – Cor-LE-ON.” Good times. Good times.

Anyway, every year in the days leading up to the draft there are all kinds of trade rumors that get tossed out there. Some even sound feasible and intriguing. But, most of them are just talk because NBA executives know that one bad trade could saddle their team with a massive contract that will keep them from being competitive for years.

But, as I look at all the proposed trades (PT), I think that they just aren't being creative enough. Instead of just trading players, each team should throw in some additional goodies (AG) to spice these trades up...

PT: Miami sends LeBron James to Orlando for Dwight Howard

AG: Orlando gets two cases of Pat Riley's hair product and Miami gets two of Stan Van Gundy's old polyester leisure suits from the 70's that he still hangs onto hoping they'll come back in style.

PT: San Antonio sends DeJuan Blair to Cleveland for Anderson Varejao

AG: Spurs get the rights to sign LeBron James in 2026 and the Cavs get my old George “Iceman” Gervin t-shirt that I wore three times a week while in fourth grade.

Or

PT: Spurs send Tony Parker to Cleveland for Varejao

AG: Spurs send a variety pack of goodies from Mi Tierra Bakery and a promise that Parker won't try to sleep with any of the player's wives. Cleveland sends a big case of Skyline Chili to the Spurs.

PT: Lakers send Lamar Odom to Golden State for Monta Ellis

AG: Lakers get a free one day pass to the O'Farrell Theater for each player. The Warriors each get a free copy of Kloe Kardashian's unreleased sex tape. (Trust me. These are of equal value.)

PT: Washington sends Javale McGee to Minnesota for it's #2 pick

AG: Washington also sends Hillary Clinton, Barbara Mikulski and John Ensign's mistress to Minnesota for Michele Bachmann and one of Hubert Humphrey's granddaughters to be named later.

PT: Milwaukee sends Andrew Bogut to Sacramento for Tyreke Evans

AG: Milwaukee sends a few cases of Milwaukee's Best Light and gets a case of Two Buck Chuck wine. (Hey give me a break people. These two towns don't have much to offer.)

PT: The Knicks send Chauncey Billups (and others) to Memphis for Rudy Gay

AG: NY/NJ Mafia agree to call off any hit they might have put out on Zach Randolph and Rudy Gay gets to play in a town where fans sitting court side won't constantly ask him “Is Rudy … Gay?”

PT: Utah sends the #3 pick and another player to Philly for Andre Iguodala who they then flip to Sacramento for a later pick so they can take <S>some white guy</S> Jimmer Ferdette.

AG: No Mormons knocking on any doors in Sacramento or Philly for 12 months. And no Mormon get shot on a front porch in Philly for 12 months. And everyone on both the Jazz and Kings get two free tickets to see “The Book of Mormon” on Broadway when in NY courtesy of the 76ers.

Portland, Toronto, Denver and Atlanta all have nothing of interest to offer anyone other than some very average players.

So, that's it folks. Some trades that would be made much better if the team executives would get a little more creative.

Jayman

jayman3768@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/jayman_iws