Slyder Balzcock: The Bridges of Madison Square Garden

Hey there, sports fans…

IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock with your, “Welcome to the Weekend Sports Update.”

This past week has been mocked, marred, and made interestingly enough by a whole lotta stuff, so let’s dust off home plate and kick off the pigskin.

Seems that the Indyapolis Colts have ridden Payton Manning as far as his ball talent will carry them, as they released Manning to ride another type of horse to the Denver Broncos.

In my opinion, Manning will be lobbying six point STDs to WRs, Eric Dicker, and newly and recently acquired former Cleveland Bengal, Anthony Caldwell, from the first kickoff to the last at bat in no time.

If only the Broncos still had their great RB from the 70’s, Floyd Patterson, they could probably make a Super Bowl rung this year.

I guess the best news of this entire deal, is that Archie Manning said that the trade, move, and amount of money offered to Payton was, “adequate.”

Arch is always on the look out for his little boy, God Bless him.

In a relative story…

Newly former Denver Bronco QB Tim Tebow is now a New York Jet.

And as Big Apple West Siders, Action, A-Rab, and Big John say on Broadway…

“When you’re a Jet, you stay a Jet.”

So I guess Tebow is there until he throws a Touchdown pass or until the Trinity Broadcasting Network offers him more money with fewer bruises, than the NFL, whichever comes first.  Here he comes God-Lovin’ TBN fans!!

Speaking of bruises, former Seattle Supersonics basketball defensive stand out and now currently former News Orlean Saints football coach Gary Payton, has been bruised by a suspension and huge fine by the NFL.

Apparently Payton and the Saints organization were paying blood money to their employees if they tackled opposing players meanly and left them with soiled uniforms.

Trust me, I have seen the Saints play outside the domed environment on real turf and have never witnessed them leaving a player soiled, but so be it...If Gary Payton is gone, and they need a new coach?

Dust off former Saints head coach Hank Stram, and viola,  "Lazay-Lay Bon-Tom Roulay."

Sure, Hank may be a little rusty, but in the immortal words of Canadian Rock and Roller, and former British Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock…

“Rust Never Sleeps.”

And there you have it folks…Your week in sports from IWS, and yours truly.

For now, this is Sports Director Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field, and headin’ to the showers…

Slyder can be reached through Matt-Man at the following addresses:

E-Mail:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Roger Goodell's Authoritarian Life

Hola Thugs and Cheap Shot Artists! By now you probably know that His Excellency Most Beloved and Feared Supreme Leader and Grand Poobah of the NFL, Roger Goodell has dished out the discipline in the Saints Bounty Program matter. Rockin’ Roger suspended Gregg Williams indefinitely and rescinded Williams’ superfluous “G” from his first name. Goodell then gave Sean Peyton a one year suspension and docked the Saints some draft choices. Afterwards, sportswriters all over the country dropped to their knees, licked their lips and stared longingly at Goodell’s raging authoritarian manhood.

What a lot of people don’t know though, is that Roger Goodell has a long history of laying down the law. He has had a no tolerance policy since he was a little kid. And, our crack staff here at IWS World Media has uncovered some of the times his authoritarian streak has appeared in the past.

Summer of 1964: A five year old Roger Goodell informed his mother that, since it was Tuesday, he would be having peanut butter and jelly for lunch. But, it turned out that Mother Goodell didn’t have any peanut butter in the house, so she attempted to serve Roger a baloney sandwich. While being a fan of baloney, Roger simply couldn’t allow his mother to deviate from the weekly schedule. So Roger suspended his mother from watching General Hospital for the rest of the week, and fined her one extra Twinkie for him to eat at a later date when he was craving one.

Summer of 1968: After watching the CBS Evening News and becoming enraged at all the “DIRTY FUCKING HIPPIES” protesting against the war in Vietnam and the government, Goodell ordered Walter Cronkite suspended from appearing on the family TV for two full weeks and ordered the family to instead watch the Hunt-Brinkley report.

Summer of 1976: Roger’s brother Tim accidentally scratched and ruined Roger’s Barry White “Can’t Get Enough” album. Roger wasn’t understanding at all. He suspended Tim from borrowing any albums indefinitely. A suspension he didn’t lift until 2002. He also fined Tim his Roberto Clemente and Lou Brock rookie cards. Harsh!

Winter of 1980: Roger had always allowed his roommate at Washington and Jefferson College permission to wear one of his sweaters when going on a date, but one time the roomie wore it without asking. Incensed at this breach of protocol, Roger was forced to deny his roommate use of any of his sweaters AND forbid him from getting any condoms out of Roger’s stash for the remainder of the semester.

Spring of 1990: After his dog Rufus chewed up his copy of The Road to Power by Josef Stalin, Roger was exasperated. He had already given Rufus his one warning three years earlier when Rufus peed on the Persian Rug in the basement. So, Goodell suspended Rufus from going to the dog park for three months and took one of Rufus’ squeaky toys away. He then went on to warn Rufus that if there were any other indiscretions he would be sent to live with Mitt Romney.

So, as you can see, Roger Goodell has been preparing his whole life to be the Supreme Leader of the NFL or some other organization in desperate need of a daddy to keep everyone in line. There have been many other examples of Goodell’s authoritarian training, but honestly, they’re just too disturbing to report on. Yes, even more disturbing than sending his dog to live with Mitt Romney.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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In other news, we had a really Wild Wednesday on I’m With Stupid this week. We talked about the Illinois primary, Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow. After that we discussed the Tayvon Martin situation and then launched a few more Molotov Mocktails in what is fast becoming our best all-around segment. So, totally check it out!!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Tim Tebow Needs a Reality TV Show

Hola Bitches! Well, he did it again. Tim Tebow led his Denver Broncos to another unlikely win. This time, he did it on the big stage of the NFL playoffs and against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Nobody thought the Broncos had a chance in hell of even staying close. Well, nobody except Tim Tebow and yours truly. I told the Matt-Man on Friday that the Broncos had a chance. And, as so often is the case, I was right.

I got to thinking about all the Tebow hate and have come to a conclusion that it goes much deeper than what most people think. Generally people in the media and sports fans simply say that the Tebow hate is because of how he is so public about his religious beliefs. Many people say that Tebow hate is actually hatred against ALL Christians.

While there certainly is some backlash against his very public Christian beliefs, I don’t think disliking him means someone hates ALL Christians. In fact, for a lot of people I think it’s more personal. Not personal about Tim, but personal about themselves. See, everything always seems to work out great for Tim Terrific. And for most people, well, things don’t work out well. At least, we don’t feel like they do. So, when we see someone who seems always get the lucky break, we get jealous.

That’s right kids. Tim Tebow is the NFL’s Ferris Bueller (with a better set of ethics and morals) and we’re all Cameron just sitting there staring at him trying to figure out how it is that EVERYTHING always works out for him.

So, I think it would be great to create a reality TV show just following Tim around all day long as amazing things constantly happen to him. It would get huge ratings because people who love him AND the people who hate him would all watch. The Tebow Lovers will be thrilled and amazed at Tim’s great life and the haters will be driven to drink and spiral further and further into self-hatred and despair.

Here’s what an average day would be like for Tim Tebow…

- Tim will be running late in the morning, but amazingly there will be some Krispy Kreme Donuts on the counter. How lucky is that?  And, as he’s driving to the stadium for practice, every single traffic light will turn green.

- He goes to Target to get some jeans. Unfortunately, they don’t have anything with inseam longer than 36” and Tim needs 38”. Of course, being Tim he was cool with this and decided to check out their shirts. While he was doing that, an employee comes by and restocks the jeans shelf and there are two pairs of jeans with 38” inseam! So awesome!

- Tim then goes to Best Buy to look at plasma TVs. He finds one he thinks is perfect, but it’s really expensive and buying it would be way to showy for a guy like him. Suddenly, an employee walks by and puts a “Today Only! 60% Off” sign on top of the plasma TV he wanted. So, he gets an amazing bargain!

- By this time it’s snowing heavily in Denver, so Tim has to be very careful driving home. But, amazingly enough just as he turns onto the road that goes to his neighborhood he sees the snow plow is in front him, so he just pulls in behind it and has a much safer drive home than it would have been.

- Tim gets home, hooks up his new TV, turns it on and Gilmore Girls is on! While watching Gilmore Girls Tim gets hungry but then realizes he forgot to go to the store and he has absolutely nothing good to eat in the house. Right at that moment, Lindsay Vonn shows up with a freaking pizza.

There you have it folks. It isn’t just football that works out for Tim all the time. Every single thing in Tim’s life works out in mysterious ways. That’s what every episode would be. Just following Tebow around while he lives his perfect freaking life and everyone at home either celebrates or gets really pissed off. 

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook: Jayman68
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

Christians Dumping Jesus for Tim Tebow

Many Christian Americans say Jesus just doesn’t do it for them anymore. So, they’ve dumped the son of God for Denver Bronco’s QB Tim Tebow. Turns out people are finding Tebow to be more reliable and more responsive to their prayers. Now that the Broncos have won six in a row and seven of their last eight games since installing Tebow as their QB, people are starting to become true believers.

“There’s something special about him,” said George McMartin of Arvada, Colorado, “he’s not winning these games with luck or skill. He’s doing with … well … something else.” That “something else” seems is an uncanny knack for sucking worse than any QB in the history of the NFL in the first three quarters of games and then suddenly being John Elway, Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas all rolled into one in the fourth quarter and crunch time.

He’s also benefited from some pretty strange happenings like opponents inexplicably running out of bound to stop the clock, dropping open passes and fumbling at critical moments. But, for many out there, there’s nothing strange about it at all. According to Tiffany Walters of Spartanburg, South Carolina it’s pretty obvious what is going on here. “These things happening once or twice could be just a coincidence, but every week? There’s something else going on. And that something else is God’s will.”

For most people though, their reasons for dumping Jesus for Tim Terrific are much more practical. “I’ve been praying to Jesus ever since I was a little boy,” says Willard Parsons of Blue Ball, Pennsylvania “and he hasn’t answered me yet. I’m tired of waiting. I get answers from Tim Tebow every Sunday afternoon.”

Others, like Amanda Ferrari of Pocahontas, Arkansas, Tebow is just more believable. “I’ve read the bible and I know all about Jesus turning water to wine and walking on water, but there’s no proof. I mean, there aren’t any YouTube videos of it or anything like that. I’ve seen the miracles Tim Tebow has performed. They’re real and I can actually relate to them. Plus, Jesus was a long haired-hippie looking foreign dude while Tim is a clean cut, all-American white boy. I can relate to him better.”

But, according to Carlos Garza of Del Rio, Texas, it’s clear that Tim Tebow is the real son of God. “I like Hey-Zuss berry mucho, but Teem Tebow, he performing miracles right before our very eyes. I not want to believe at first, but now? I no can deny it.”

The faithful aren’t the only ones who have taken notice of Mr. Tebow either. Paul Smudders, a leader in the World Atheist Society says his group is keeping a close eye on the Mile High Messiah. “Obviously, we’re prepared to discredit any claims people might make that Tebow is some kind of spiritual being worthy of being worshiped. The things that have happened that have led to the Broncos’ recent dramatic victories are easily explained. The opponents have simply sucked worse than Tebow does. And that’s something we’re about to start pointing out; that Tim Tebow really does suck.”

Smulders went on to add that he’s not impressed with Tebow and doesn’t think you should be either. “He has a string of bullshit wins and anyone who can actually think for himself knows that. We can’t control weak-minded uneducated cult followers out there though. All we can do is state the facts. State them in as loud, obnoxious and rude a way as possible. And while doing that we need to remember to be smug and condescending dick bags. It’s a style we’ve used for years with great success.”

So it looks like a new front has been opened in the great religion war going on in America. The only question now is: Will Jesus come back to stop all this ‘Tim Tebow is the new Messiah’ talk or is he happy to have the attention on someone else for a while, giving him a bit of a break?

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

Tim Tebow Has Returned To Save Us All...

Hola faithful followers! It is I, your savoir, Tim Jesus Christ II Tebow, and I’m here to lead all Denver Broncos fans to the Promised Land. On Monday morning my father God, acting through Broncos coach John Fox named me the starting quarterback. All your prayers have been answered.

On Sunday, Oct 23, I will travel across America to the city of the Jews, Miami. Along the way crowds will gather and cheer with glee, singing songs of praise and pleading to be saved.  Then, despite the fact that there will be many doubters there, and may people who seek to do me harm, I shall ride the on the shoulders of Ryan Clady, who is hung like a donkey, past the palm trees and into the stadium.

Man, it’s gonna be a beautiful day. I can’t wait. Did you see that comeback I made against the Chargers this last Sunday? It would have been complete if Brother Brandon Lloyd hadn’t dropped that two point conversion.

At first I was angry. I know it’s wrong to express anger in that manner, but defying me the way Lloyd did is unacceptable. I, like my biggest disciple Skip Bayless, believed that Lloyd dropped that two point conversion on purpose. He betrayed me. Dude gave me the football version of the Judas Kiss right there in the end zone.

But, then I realized that wasn’t the case. No, Brandon didn’t want to drop that pass. He had no control over it. He didn’t have a crisis of faith as I feared. He tried to the best of his ability, but just couldn’t quite haul it in. And why, couldn’t he make the catch?

EL DIABLO! That’s why.

The Devil himself took over Brandon’s hands and forced him to drop that pass. It’s the only explanation. I was being tested. And I passed that test. Just like the person who took my tests at the University of Florida for me passed all those tests. Once again I showed the world that I cannot be defeated by evil.

I cannot promise that we will make to the Super Bowl this year. For our journey will be long. There will be many great challenges along the way. But, if you keep me in your hearts and never lose faith, then we will make it someday. You’ve just got to believe.

Pay no attention to people like Merril Hoges. The doubters. The people who seek to diminish me and who I am in your eyes. There will be many of them. Most will come in the form of so-called “football experts.” They will say that I have bad mechanics, which is 100% not true. My new Mercedes has a maintenance plan with it and the mechanics at the dealership are outstanding.

They will say I have bad footwork. Again, not true. I’ve been working on both the Tango and the Pasodoble with Karina Smirnoff of Dancing with the Stars to improve my skills and make me lighter on my feet.  So, remember my brothers and sisters, they don’t know what they’re saying when they speak ill of me.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

God Bless.
Tim Jesus Christ II Tebow

P.S. If you feel the need to contact me, you may do so through Brother Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/Jayman_IWS