Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry...Corn Dog Wars!!

Hey you…Yeah, you. Remember me? It’s me, Michele Bachmann…Nothing?

I’m a Tea Party drinking, government bashing, Republican congresswoman from Minnesota and I’m running for President. Now do you remember?

I see that some of you are now shaking your heads, but it would be more helpful if you were shaking them in an up and down fashion and not side to side, but…um…

Fuck…I knew this was going to happen.

Less than a month after I win the GOP Straw Poll in Iowa, the devilishly handsome, well-chiseled, Rick Perry enters the GOP Primary race and I’m tossed aside like a half eaten can of tuna in favor of a prime piece of Texas ribeye.

This sucks. AND IT’S NOT FAIR!!

I’ve been giving and giving. Traipsing along the campaign trail loudly espousing nonsensical, anti-government rhetoric, and what do I get in return?

Heartache…and single digit poll numbers.

From the Halls of Minnetonka to the shores of Biloxi, I have fought your anti-tax battles on the air, and land, and sea. And then what?

Rootin-Tootin’ Rick Perry enters the race, out anti-government rhetoricals me, and out sexy corn dog eatin’s me. WTF?

I’m Michele Bachmann dammit…Glad to meet ya!!

Listen folks, I know how to eat a damn corndog in a sexy way…

Hell, even my allegedly gay husband Marcus, can be sexy when tossing back a dawg…

Okay…I guess he does look gay when he does it. But he’s not, so shut up. My husband is as straight as they come. He’s as straight as the Minnesota winter is long.

Now, take a look at Gov. Perry eating a corndog…

Talk about someone who seems to know his way around a shaft of meat. I’m not saying Perry’s gay, but c’mon, if Hermann Goehring was alive, he’d have that picture blown up and placed on the ceiling over his bed.

Anyway…This entire situation and Rick Perry blow. Hell, even my campaign staff is leaving me, all because of a goddamn corndog.

Maybe at some point during the NBC/Politico GOP Debate at the Ronald Reagan Library tomorrow night, I’ll unleash a new campaign song.

Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what I truly want to be, ’cause if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, then everyone would be in love with me!!

I think I’m on to something. And if not..?

I’ll just give Rick Perry a lil’ taste of my “corndog eating” skills, and become his running mate.

Trust me my fellow Americans, being vacuous is not my only skill. When it comes to choking down a dawg or two, this bitch got skillz.

See ya at the debate tomorrow,

Michele Bachmann

A Labor of Love and Victory!

First an update on the post below. This morning, Google Plus looked over the demands made by IWS on behalf of Gnetch, assessed how much damage we could do to their fledgling social media site and IMMEDIATELY acquiesced.  Sunshine was able to post her video and all her friends were able to watch it over and over and over.

It was a great victory. Not for IWS.  It’s never about us. It was a victory for regular people everywhere.  We here at IWS will always be here to fight for the little guy when the man is trying to keep them down.

We’re kind of like a labor union, without the whole labor part. But we do represent the powerless in their fight against the powerful. We try to make sure that people get a fair deal and not get run over by the ruthless and unprincipled.

Anyway, today on I’m With Stupid Matt-Man and Jayman talked Labor Day. Matt regaled us stories from his SEIU days and all his crazy antics and characters he met along the way. Along with that Matt and Jay discussed the state of union vs management in this country and how big businesses and their corporate partners in the US Congress are teaming up to try to crush unions and the middle class. And other stuff.

It was a great show, so give it a listen using the high tech BTR Mystery Machine.  And don’t forget that coming up this Saturday will be our 2011 Football Preview show. We will provide expert analysis of the upcoming college and NFL seasons IWS Style!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Also, we would like to present to our readers and listeners our favorite union of all time. Gabrielle Union…

IWS To The Rescue

Hola internet peoples! As you know by now, Matt-Man and I have pledged to use the powers of I’m With Stupid only for good. We have used them on two occasions so far. Matt got outstanding results from Time Warner Cable, while I got less than acceptable results from the Nazi’s Ozark’s CW.  But, the important thing is that we are here to make the world a better place. 

And, our help has been requested again. Sunday, while lying in bed trying to convince myself to get up and face the day, I felt a tingling sensation “down there*.” I knew immediately that IWS’s help was needed. I got on Twitter and found that my very good friend Gnetch had sent up the IWS signal. 

It seems as though Sunshine (my cute, endearing nickname for Gnetch) got liquored up imbibed in a few alcoholic refreshments and decided to sing Karaoke. And, her friend got some video of the ensuing awesomeness. So, Sunshine decided to upload the video to YouTube. But, YouTube refused to let her. 

Desperate to have a chance to creepily watch Gentch’s video help my wonderful friend, I frantically tried to help her get the video uploaded.  She tried everywhere we could think of. YouTube, Vimeo, Blogger, Tumblr, Photobucket, Google Plus and pretty much every other social media and video hosting site. I suggested everything short of her sending the video directly to me to attempt to upload myself. I thought about suggesting that, but I’m trying to limit my creepdom lately. We’ll see how that goes. Anyway, every site was a no go.  So, I told her it might be time for IWS to call these sites out…

WHAT THE FUCK VIDEO SITES? THERE’S A HOT ASIAN CHICK TRYING TO UPLOAD A VIDEO! GET IT THE FUCK TOGETHER, WILL YA? 

Look. This isn’t about some creepy dude who wants to see a video of a drunk, sexy Asian chick singing Karaoke. It isn’t about ME! It never is. It’s about what’s right and wrong. And not allowing Gnetchy to upload her video is just wrong. HAVE YOU PEOPLE NO SENSE OF DECENCY? Must you deny this person the happiness of uploading a video for her friends and stalkers? 

At this point, I can only assume your collective refusals to upload her video to be discriminatory. I don’t make that charge lightly, but I see nothing else that it can be. And, should this DEPLORABLE AND OUTRAGEOUS ACT continue, I will have no choice but to, once again, call on the vast and diverse world-wide following of I’m With Stupid to take drastic action. When that happens, I will expect every person who responsible for this unacceptable situation to RESIGN IMMEDIATELY! 

I have decided to engage in a semi-boycott of your sites on my own until you upload Gnetchy’s video. I will be boycotting Tumblr, Vimeo and Photobucket completely. I will boycott Blogger except when I am posting a blog, commenting on someone else’s blog or responding to comments on this blog. And I will be boycotting YouTube except for the times that I am drinking and/or am bored and decide to do searches for Japanese Game Shows or listen to some Grand Funk Railroad. 

I recommend that everyone keep an eye on this blog and Gnetch’s Blog, Twitter and Tumblr to monitor developments** in this situation. I can only hope that this post will serve as a warning shot across all these social media and video hosting site’s bows and they get their shit together. Gnetchy is a good person and DOES NOT deserve to be treated this way.  And we here at IWS simply aren’t going to stand for it. 

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

 

*“Down there” = “In my heart” Where did you THINK it meant, ya pervo?
**“Developments” = “Watch her video when it gets posted”

Waxing Poetic

Last night on “I’m With Stupid” Matt-Man and Jayman stepped out of their normal and comfortable programing of comedy and jocularity and took a risk. They opened their hearts up to the world via the spoken word. It was Poetry Night and Matt-Man and Jayman not only brought the angst and yearning, they also wore the appropriate headgear. 

As you probably know, Matt-Man is already an accomplished poet. Classically trained and quite skilled, he is always ready to bust a few rhymes, and can go iambic pentameter on your ass at any moment. Jayman, on the other hand, is a new style poet. A style glossed “Tumblr Poet” by Matt-Man. The Tumblr Poet doesn’t observe any rules or have any real poetry skills. He or She just reads the thoughts he or she has typed out in a dramatic reading style. It works for them, but bothers poetry purists in the same way that the wild card and designated hitter bothers baseball purists. 

Anyway, it was a very touching, thoughtful and heart-felt show. Matt and Jay spoke from the heart and explored thoughts and feelings from deep within the darkest and most terrifying areas of their minds. In many ways it was cathartic and in others sad and pathetic. But, it was, as always a great show.

You can listen by using this here handy-dandy magical mystery machine lovingly provided by the good people of Blog Talk Radio. And don’t forget that we will be celebrating Labor Day on Monday at 11 am EDT. We’d love to see you there. 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Matt Said, Jay Said III

And once again Saturday brings us another round of “Matt Said, Jay Said”

Matt: “You speak, me speak.”
Jay: “Holaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Wot’s hoppenin’ hot stuff?”
Matt: “Noting. Not a thing. Not a modicum. Not an ORT!”
Jay: “Okay then. Good talking to ya.”

Matt: “I’ve got a case of the blahs”
Jay: “Awww. I’m sorry.”
Matt: “Thanks for your obviously heartfelt concern.”
Jay: “Hey, I was being sincere. Why so glum chum?”
Matt: “I tweaked my back. I think I pinched a nerve cause the pain runs down my leg.”
Jay: “Might be your sciatica?”
Matt: “Just my lumbago!”

Jay: “Finally heard from Sunshine State Shirley. Three straight 16 hour days for her.”
Matt: “That’s rough. I did help you out with her.”
Jay: “Oh really?”
Matt: “Yeah, she said she was gonna get help on fantasy football from you and I let her know what a scheming deceiver of women you are.”
Jay: “Well, thanks man. Very helpful.”
Matt: “That’s what I’m here for buddy.”
Jay: “Well, I’m sure a woman of SSS’s education can easily tell when someone is just projecting.”

Jay: “Hey, is posting pics on Twitter again. Better check it out.”
Matt: “I can’t do it. I just can’t.”
Jay: “I can’t resist. *clicks link* OHHHHHHHHHHHH .. uh Hey! Click that link dude.”
Matt: “I don’t want to.”
Jay: “You gotta.”
Matt: “Okay. *clicks link* AHHHHHH I HATE THAT ONE!!!
Jay: heehee "I know"
Matt: “You’re cruel”

Jay: “So Beat Poetry this week?”
Matt: “Oh yeah.”
Jay: “And then whatever on Monday”
Matt: “We already have a topic. Remember? We have topics for the next two weeks.”
Jay: “We do? Wait. Oh it’s labor day.”
Matt: “Yeah, unions and organizing on Monday, football next Saturday and 9/11 on the 12^th”
Jay: “Right. That sounds good.”
Matt: “Now write that down.”
Jay: “Naw, I’ll remember.”

Jay: “Did you see Nancy Grace on Dancing With the Stars?”
Matt: “Yeah, I saw that. Some guy is going to have to touch her.”
Jay: “Hell, even Chaz Bono is more feminine than Nancy.”
Matt: “Hey-OOOOOO!”
Jay: “The fact that Chaz Bono might get to touch Cheryl Burke proves there is no God.”
Matt: “Totally unfair.”
Jay: “I know. Okay, Beat Poetry?”
Matt: “I’ve already started preparing for this Saturday.”
Jay: “Already writing some poems?”
Matt: “No, but I’m yearning which is a start.”
Jay: “Oh hell then. We’re ready dude!” 

So there you go. Another brilliant prep session! And don’t forget that we will be doing our own, original Beat Poetry Night on I’m With Stupid at 6:30 EDT! 

Next Stop...Self-Actualization

This past year has been a whirlwind tour through the glamour and glitz along the highway of fame one travels while becoming an internet radio and social media icon.

Yes my friends, the flashing luminaries of the paparazzi, the full body bathing from the national spotlight, and the appreciative roaring and laughter of the worldwide audience makes freewheeling down the entertainment superhighway, a pleasurable and exciting road trip, however…

Sometimes, one needs to veer onto the closest exit ramp and come to reintroduce one’s self to…um…one’s self, at a rest stop I call, Motel Introspection.

It’s good to check-in to a room at a motel, where…there’s no one to fix your sheets or fluff your pillows…no room service…no one telling you how awesome you are…

There is only you, where you have been, and…who you have become.

When I relax there, I get back to my roots and in touch with my core being by the only means I know.

Poetry.

For instance, the other night I was thinking about how season one of the IWS radio show was coming to an end and thought:

‘Neath the purple, swirling haze of autumn,

the languid cry of the last cicada

weaves a dirge with an orphaned cricket,

as fields lie barren from stream to thicket.

And so it goes…

And then, I reflected once more and my thoughts turned to the beginning of season two, and pondered:

Like the head of a whore popping up from her latest blow job,

The scarred sun once again rises,

Tempting the dreams and expectations of every man.

But at what cost…at what cost?

My life is a mill wheel, my friends, and the successes I have had, the mistakes I have made, the shattered dreams and brief encounters that lie in pieces upon my soul are the grist that make up the loaf of bread I call, Me.

My stay here at Motel Introspection may be brief or it may be extended, but I know that when I do check-out, I will be a better man.

But at what cost?

Cheers,

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Letters, Oh We Get Letters!!

Jayman and I get virtual tons of e-mails that the IWS staff handles, but we thought that today would be a good day to answer a few of them personally…

For nearly two months now, I have listened to your show and read your website, and frankly, I have no idea how you two even dress yourselves in the morning.

Buster Servicks

Huntington Beach, California

Well Buster, we don’t. As internet and social media superstars, Jay and I have a team of busty, scantily clad women that dress us in the morning…on the rare days we decide to conform to social norms and actually wear clothes, that is.

I really like show. Make me feel that my life is not all bad, and I am not as stupid as I think I am.

Olga Fukyerzelf

Vladivostok, Russia

We’re glad you enjoy the show and hope that we continue to warm your heart during those cold, North Pacific winters. In case we ever fail to heat up your self-esteem, we are sending along an I’m With Stupid electric blanket, because we are looking out for you Ms. Fukyerzelf.

For some reason, after listening to your show, I feel an insatiable need to take a shower and scrub myself down with sandpaper and steel wool.

Adolf Alleskoch

Munich, Germany

I understand Adolf…After Jay and I do a show, I too take a shower in order to wash away all of the awesome sauce that has oozed from my pores during the course of another award winning broadcast.

Sometimes when I listen I think that perhaps, God sent you to us so he can put a heavenly spotlight on the vast amount of stupid that exists in the world.

Michele Bachmann

Lexingtin ‘n’ Concurd, New Hampshire

You may be right and as always, we thank you for unknowingly providing much needed material. We love you, M-Bach!! Here’s to 2012.

Where the hell is my child support check!?

Beth Rhodes

Springfield, Ohio

I’ll pass your concern along to Jayman as soon as I see him. He’s been strapped for cash of late, as he needed to purchase new tires for his car and replace his 12 year old toaster.

After hearing y’all for three sixties, I could tell you wuz nuthin’ but a deuce of middle aged white boyz needin' to get laid.

Juwanna Phuq

East St. Louis, Illinoize

As internet superstars, Jayman and I are always but an arm’s length away from a lovely lady who would like nothing more than to have sex with one or both of us, however if you’d like to pass along your phone number or the that of your pimp, it would be most appreciated.

And there you have it for today, folks…Keep those cards and letters coming!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS