NCAA's Unique Punishment for Penn State

Hola y’all! Well, the NCAA dropped the moral hammer on Penn State and even though these sanctions do nothing to punish the guilty parties and actually punish other people instead, we’re all happy. We’re happy because an old white guy got up in front of cameras and beat up on a defenseless school and its current future students and athletes. We do love getting all morally indignant and going after bad people and organizations. Well, except for Wall Street. They can continue to so rob us all blind without threat of any repercussions, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Anyhoodle, you guys have all heard of the big sanctions against Penn St. The media talked about the $60 million dollar fine, the abdication of wins, the bowl ban and the denial of educational opportunities of up to 80 people in the future loss of scholarships. BUT, that’s not all! Oh no! There are some other sanctions that have been tacked on. Luckily, the IWS World Media Sports Division is on top of this. Check it out …

1. Instead of getting four downs to make a first down Penn State will only get three.

2. Instead of ten yards to make a first down, Penn State’s opponents will need to only gain 8.137 yards.

3. Penn State touchdowns now only count 4 points and they are BARRED from going for a two point conversion OR extra point tries.

4. Field goals will only be worth .7 points now instead of three.

5. After what will be a very rare victory, the television announcers will be required to say “Yeah, Penn State won, but they still support and defend a child rapist.”

6. No cheerleaders! Sorry PSU, but it’s obvious that you can’t deal with that kind of stimulation.

7. There will now be a statue of very disgusted looking middle-aged men in blue suits placed where the Joe Paterno statue once stood.

8. Players will no longer be allowed to wear facemasks. This seems harsh, but it is necessary.

9. Instead of offensive coordinators signaling in plays from the sideline, the PSU quarterback will have to just draw plays in the dirt using a stick provided by the referee.

10. PSU defensive players can only tackle the ball carrier from the front and may not touch him below the waist.

11. No Penn State games may be played in the rain as it will remind people too much of the infamous locker room showers.

12. Any school that goes winless will get to play Penn St. twice the next season so they can feel better about themselves.

So, as you can see, the NCAA has sent a very serious signal to all other member schools. Every single college in America now knows that if they try to cover up some big scandal, get caught and find themselves completely defenseless, the NCAA will pounce on them and stand on top of the smoldering remains declaring their superior morality and delivering justice to everyone except the perpetrators of the terrible crimes that were committed.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

In other news, Mark Twain once said “Everybody is complaining about the weather, but nobody is doing anything about it.” Well, until NOW that is! On I'm With Stupid Matt and Jay did do something about the weather. They made jokes about it. They talked about the non-weather definition of weather terms, hurricane names and told freaky weather stories. Another classic episode about something most people thought was boring and routine. So, check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Matt Said, Jay Said IV

As always kids, if it’s Saturday, then it’s time for MS, JS. I know how much you look forward to it. So, away we go…

Matt: “It’s your dime, spill it.”
Jay: “Ring-a-ding-ding big boy.”
Matt: “Oh, I love it when you ring my bell.”
Jay: “That’s hot. Ya sick fuck.”

Matt: “I have an idea for a post for tomorrow. And then Slyder on Friday”
Jay: “Dude. You’re the man with the plan.”
Matt: “I’m on it Jay! Gonna write a post from Ronnie to the GOP”
Jay: “Excellent”
Matt: “I find writing as other people to be very freeing.”
Jay: “I agree. We can do all kinds of fake op-ed pieces from famous people.”

Matt: “Oh shit. We could do that all the time.”

Jay: “Something like John Boehner writing to say he’s offended by Syracuse’s mascot The Orange”
Matt: “Ha! That would be great.  But shit. I’ve got too many ideas now.”
Jay: “Here’s a crazy idea. Write out posts as you think of them and save them to your computer.”
Matt: “I can’t work that way Jay.”
Jay: *sigh*
Matt: “I need the pressure of the deadline. Plus I like to live in the here and now.”

Jay: “Hey! Doug Flutie’s daughter is a cheerleader for the Patriots.”
Matt: “Really? Is she HAWT?”
Jay: “I don’t know. I only notice a woman’s heart. Here, I’ll do a GIS for her and send you a pic.”
Matt: “Meh. She’s alright.”
Jay: “She’s no Miley.”
Matt: “Doesn’t really do anything for me. Kind of like Lee Evans.”
Jay: “Well, that’s because Bo Derek was around at the same time as Lee Evans and she was crazy hot.”
Matt: “I was talking about the Wide Receiver Lee Evans.”
Jay: “Ohhhh! Well that’s different.”

Jay: “Wait! LINDA Evans, not LEE!”
Matt: “Ha! You goober.”
Jay: “Well, shit. That makes even less sense now.”
Matt: “That was smooth.”

Matt: “Linda Evans dated Yanni for crying out loud. Who the fuck would do that?”
Jay: “Oh shit. That’s almost as bad as Connie Sellecca dating John Tesh.”
Matt: “That WAS sad.”
Jay: “Yeah, she brought the charisma to that relationship.”
Matt: “And the talent.”

Jay: “Okay, so we’re talking Football?”
Matt: “Our annual season preview! Will Nipsey make an appearance.”
Jay: “Hell yeah! Nipsey loves football.”
Matt: “And we love the Nipster.”
Jay: “Okay, good prep session.”
Matt: “Sometimes we get a little off topic. But, we’re ready!”

Okay, there you go. It was riveting, wasn’t it?  Anyway, don’t forget we’re talking football and other stuff tonight at 6:30 EDT on I’m With Stupid.  Oh, and we have a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT to make too! So be there! 

A Presidential Fantasy Draft

We all know it’s fantasy football season and everyone is getting ready for the draft.  So, I thought I would do my own draft. Only, I’m not going to draft football players. I’m going to draft Presidents. Not a list President from best to worst or anything, but actually draft Presidents for a fantasy football team. I’ll pick the best president for each position.  Okay, so here goes…

QB: Abraham Lincoln: Who else? Abe is a great decision maker who never wilted under pressure. He’s a quick thinker on is feet and isn’t afraid to take chances.  His height is a great advantage in that he can throw over the D-Line and not need the traditional passing lanes.  And, Abe’s quiet confidence and superior leadership skills are exactly what your team needs.

RB: George W. Bush: Great size, quickness and a commitment to staying in great physical condition are what makes W a great running back. His single-minded, purpose driven personality allows him to focus on the task at hand and he rarely fumbles. 

RB: Warren G. Harding: Harding’s game is speed. He runs away from trouble and is very elusive. The defense will often think they have him wrapped up, and he’ll get loose somehow and make a big play. Be sure to check the inactive list as Harding is prone to get into trouble and has been known to run with the wrong crowd. Be prepared to have to sit him on any given week. 

WR: Martin Van Buren:  MVB is a great athlete and runs great routes. He’s flashy and exciting, but also a hard worker with lots of experience who isn’t afraid to mix it up.  He’s definitely a possession receiver who can make spectacular catches in traffic.  He’ll definitely be your number one target in the red zone. 

WR: Barack Obama: Obama is tall and sleek and is deceptively fast.  The defender thinks he’s right there with him and suddenly looks up and realizes Obama has sped on past him. He’s a game breaker who has the potential to light up the scoreboard and haul in some long passes and rack up big fantasy numbers. But, he’s also known to avoid contact and sometimes defenses can throw him off his routes and push him around a bit. 

WR/RB Flex: Bill Clinton: Without a doubt the most versatile of all the presidents. He can move quickly and effectively in any direction. Full of confidence and not afraid to take on defenses he’s the perfect power back. But, Clinton is also slick and much like Hardin is a great escape artist. Clinton is driven to succeed and will never stop going full speed. And dude knows how to score early and often. 

Tight End: Teddy Roosevelt: TR can do it all. He can run, catch and block. A natural leader, he is charismatic and his teammates love him.  He’s also tenacious and will fight to the end with every fiber of his being. He’s been known to be a bit on the cocky side, but he has the numbers to back it up. Teddy can talk the talk and walk the walk. 

Place Kicker: Andrew Jackson: While Jackson is known for his fiery temper and less than impressive social skills, he can split the uprights with the best of ‘em.  His temper helped his kicking career as he has been kicking things since he was a kid.  Mostly people, but as he got older and more mature, he learned to channel this kicking desire to football and is now as good as you’ll find. 

Defense/Special Teams: Ronald Reagan: Again, a no-brainer. Nobody has ever loved defense more than Ronnie. He’s brash, bold and not afraid to blitz on any down. He’ll knock down the offense’s walls and he’ll force turnovers and get after the other team’s QB like no one else. He’s underestimated because of his age, but he’s got the experience and game to turn that to his biggest advantage. Also, when he gets the chance, he’ll run the score up on ya.

Okay, there you have it. I’m pretty sure my team is gonna dominate.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws