Lou Holtz Eulogizes The Stalkers

Today on the I’m With Stupid blog is a very solemn occasion as we are holding a funeral for The Stalkers, Jayman’s beloved Fantasy Football team who passed away over the weekend when they were stomped by Doc’s Seal Team 6.

*sad organ music as people enter the church*

Father Francis Mulcahy III:  “As we gather here today to pay tribute to the Stalkers, let us all remember to hold close the memories we have of them and all the excitement, joy and love they brought us. Let us cherish those moments and keep them close in our hearts for as long as we shall live. Let us all join hands and hearts together in this service so that we may all be comforted in our grief and we can lend solace to Jayman in this very difficult time in his fantasy sports life. Let us make sure that today will serve as an inspiration to all of us, but mostly to Jayman so that he can have these memories to comfort him and help him as he deals with this loss.”

*All rise and recite the Lord’s Prayer*

Please sing along with Andy Griffith as he performs “Amazing Grace.”

Now, to eulogize The Stalkers is former William & Mary, NY Jets, Arkansas, Minnesota, Notre Dame, South Carolina head coach and current ESPN analyst Lou Holtz:

“Thank you Father Mulcahy and thank you to Jayman for asking me to thspeak here today. I know it wasn’t easthy for you to sthwallow your pride and call me. I wisth we could hath sthettled our differenthes while the Sthalkers were still alive, as I loved wathing them play. Buth, as so othen happens in life, it takeths a great tragedy to bring people back together.

I won’t sthpeak long. But, I do remember the very firsth game the Sthalkers ever played four yearths ago. The way Brian Wethsbrook ran up all those poinths. Scoring four touchdowns and running for more than 150 yardsth. I remember your joy in that great victhory. And then I remember Wethsbrook being listed as quethionable the west of the stheason. What I remember mosthd though, was the resilienthy Jayman and The Sthalkers showed by hanging in there and fighting hard until the bither end.

You kepth fighting hard the nexth stheason and the next and then won the champiothip in not just the Open Bar League but also the ABL League in only your third year. An amazing feath and one that made me realithe that we had all withnessed greatnesth in terms of Thantasy Football managing.”

*Lou begins crying while finishing up*

But, like so many other greaths, the Sthalkers light burned so brighth that it burnthed out too soon. I’m going to mith wathing those guyths stho much. There will be other Thantasy teams, but none will mean as muth to me as the Sthalkers and no ownerths will be as importhanth to me as Jayman.

*Jayman and Lou hug it out.*  *Lou wipes his nose on Jay’s sleeve.*

Please join Willie Nelson in singing “Precious Memories”

Father Mulcahy: Thank you Lou for that most touching and heartfelt eulogy. And thank you to everyone who is here today to pay their last respects to The Stalkers. Remember that Jay has asked that instead of flowers that you donate to the charity of your choice in The Stalkers name as doing good things for the community is all they really wanted out of life. And, of course raise your glass in their honor while at the pub. Go in Peace and may God Bless You.

“The Body of an American” by The Pogues plays as the crowd files past the coffin and then meets with Jay:

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

Fantasy Football...The Stakes are High

Hi sports fans…

I’m With Stupid Sports Director, Slyder Balzcock here with your, I’m With Stupid Fantasy Football League Playoff Preview.

The IWS Fantasy Football League is entering its playoff portion of the season, and the four finalists have been determined through a bruising season of virtual pummeling of one and other on the fake and computer generated frozen tundra of Gumbo Field.

Ten teams entered the foray back in September, and in the championship round, only four remain.  And they are…

The Flam-a-diddle Cheesy Poofs, Seal Team 6, The Stalkers, and The Steel Reserves.

Let’s break down the potential action of this virtual gridiron, four mano on four mano steel cage match.

Weeks 14 and 15 pit the #2 seed Seal Team 6 up against the #3 seed Stalkers…

Seal Team 6 coached by Docnolz plays a style of football emblematic of his devil-may-care, I’ll sleep with anyone personality.  He’s got rookie sensation, Cam “I’ve Played Football for Money Before” Newton at QB, and Beanie “I Didn’t Do Shit When I Was on the Steel Reserves” Wells at RB.

Seal Team 6 goes up this week against a team in the Stalkers that has broken every leg of every RB known to man.

Coached by our very on Jayman, The Stalkers have seen Darren McFadden go bye-bye…Seen Fred Jackson go bye-bye…and yet, they persist.  And now?

They count on Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis at RB to get a few carries from the playbook of Bill Belichick.  One game he may get 15 carries, 115 yards, and 2 touchdowns…the next game, he may sit the bench in lieu of Danny Woodcock, or Woodchuck, or Woodwhatever...

Belichick is wacky that way, but through grit and determination, Jayman has captained his team through the waters of adversity and found himself on the Isle of Playoffs.

The first game in this match-up of college cheaters and broken legs?  Too close to call, although I hope Jayman wins…It is very unbecoming when he weeps.

Next up, the regular season champ Burl G and his fancy dancey Flam-a-diddle-Cheesy Poofs against our other very own, Matt-Man and his Steel Reserves…

Burl had the best record in the regular season at 10-3 with Aaron Rodgers at QB and Matt Forte at RB, however, Forte is injured now, and during Christmas season Burl is probably conducting Christmas concerts, so he may be a bit distracted.

And well…He may also be distracted by his HOT wife…

I know I would...anyhoo...

Matt-Man and the Steel Reserves started out on a drunken rampage going 6-2 and managed to stay just sober enough to finish 3-2 down the stretch to get into the playoffs.

Funny thing about Matt-Man and his team…When he goes with is regular line-up, he wins.  When Matt-Man tries to act like a real coach and tinkers and deviates, he loses.

Here’s a little advice from Slyder to Matt-Man…quit listening to those “intuitive voices” in your head, and you may finally beat Burl and the Flam-a-diddle-Cheesy Poofs.  If Matt-Man can turn a deaf ear to his coaching epiphanies, it’s Steel Reserves by a whisker.

So there you have my IWS FF Playoff Preview, and don’t forget, Jay and Matt-Man broadcast live today at 11:00 AM EST on Blog Talk Radio.

In addition to the regular fun and frivolity, they have an important announcement to make, so make sure you tune in.

This is Slyder Balzcock leavin' it all on the field and headin’ to the showers…

You can contact Slyder at:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/MattManIWS

NFL 2011...Are You Ready for Some Football!?

Hi Gang!! IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock here with your opening weekend NFL preview.

The Season of the Pigskin kicked off last night as the defending Super Bowl Champion, Green Bay Packhers, defeated the News Orlean Saints 42-34 on the frozen tundra of Hambone Field.

It was good to finally see some rough and tumble shoulder pad to shoulder pad action after spending the summer wondering if the NFL owners blackout would prevent this season from ever taking place.

Thank God, that after months of rumors of a football famine, the players and owners came to the dinner table, broke bread together, and to football fans everywhere, served up one helluva meal deal.

Of course, there has been one huge change in the NFL this year. As I reviewed this week’s match-up of NFL games, I was amazed by the number of new franchises in the league this year.

For instance…

This week, Seal Team 6 tangles with Dub’s Dudes in a gridiron struggle that pits an aggressive group of terrorist killers against a scrappy bunch of trailer home dwelling boobie lovers. Look out Dub’s Dudes, after this week, you may want to change your name to the Dead Bin Ladens.

In what looks to be a high scoring affair, the Matt Castle led HM Giggle Fairies take on the Memphis Blues helmed by up and comer Josh Friedman, or as I call him, the Beale Street Jew. I’ll take a Jew over a Fairy anytime, as long as I don’t have to sit next to either. The Blues by two.

In what could be a blowout, The Flam-a-Diddle Cheesy Poofs throw hands with Team Terrell. Team Terrell, is owned by The Official Hot Mess of IWS, Sunshine State Shirley. Shirley’s team will beat the Flam-a-Diddles like a drum, and be spitting out pieces of Cheesy Poofs during their post-game victory party.

Our very own Jayman and his Stalkers led by Wide Receiver James “Throw Me Da Ball” Jones will be trying to keep offensive pace with Phillip Rivers and his, I Touchdown There turf mates. This one’s a toss-up, fans, but Stalkers RB, Noshow Moreno could be the goat or the gift.

Lastly…

The Cleveland Steamers and Michael Vick take on Matt-Man’s Steel Reserves. This match up leaves me with more questions than answers. Is shit stronger than beer? And more importantly…When did the Philadelphia Steelers trade Michael Vick to Cleveland?

That’s all for now, sports fans…

This is Slyder Balzcock leaving it all on the field and heading for the showers.

Ed. Note: Matt-Man here…um…When Slyder asked for this week’s NFL game schedule, I sent him the I’m With Stupid Fantasy Football League schedule as a joke. 

I thought Slyder would pick up on that. I apologize, and have scheduled a 2:45 PM meeting with Slyder.

Matt-Man 
neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

A Presidential Fantasy Draft

We all know it’s fantasy football season and everyone is getting ready for the draft.  So, I thought I would do my own draft. Only, I’m not going to draft football players. I’m going to draft Presidents. Not a list President from best to worst or anything, but actually draft Presidents for a fantasy football team. I’ll pick the best president for each position.  Okay, so here goes…

QB: Abraham Lincoln: Who else? Abe is a great decision maker who never wilted under pressure. He’s a quick thinker on is feet and isn’t afraid to take chances.  His height is a great advantage in that he can throw over the D-Line and not need the traditional passing lanes.  And, Abe’s quiet confidence and superior leadership skills are exactly what your team needs.

RB: George W. Bush: Great size, quickness and a commitment to staying in great physical condition are what makes W a great running back. His single-minded, purpose driven personality allows him to focus on the task at hand and he rarely fumbles. 

RB: Warren G. Harding: Harding’s game is speed. He runs away from trouble and is very elusive. The defense will often think they have him wrapped up, and he’ll get loose somehow and make a big play. Be sure to check the inactive list as Harding is prone to get into trouble and has been known to run with the wrong crowd. Be prepared to have to sit him on any given week. 

WR: Martin Van Buren:  MVB is a great athlete and runs great routes. He’s flashy and exciting, but also a hard worker with lots of experience who isn’t afraid to mix it up.  He’s definitely a possession receiver who can make spectacular catches in traffic.  He’ll definitely be your number one target in the red zone. 

WR: Barack Obama: Obama is tall and sleek and is deceptively fast.  The defender thinks he’s right there with him and suddenly looks up and realizes Obama has sped on past him. He’s a game breaker who has the potential to light up the scoreboard and haul in some long passes and rack up big fantasy numbers. But, he’s also known to avoid contact and sometimes defenses can throw him off his routes and push him around a bit. 

WR/RB Flex: Bill Clinton: Without a doubt the most versatile of all the presidents. He can move quickly and effectively in any direction. Full of confidence and not afraid to take on defenses he’s the perfect power back. But, Clinton is also slick and much like Hardin is a great escape artist. Clinton is driven to succeed and will never stop going full speed. And dude knows how to score early and often. 

Tight End: Teddy Roosevelt: TR can do it all. He can run, catch and block. A natural leader, he is charismatic and his teammates love him.  He’s also tenacious and will fight to the end with every fiber of his being. He’s been known to be a bit on the cocky side, but he has the numbers to back it up. Teddy can talk the talk and walk the walk. 

Place Kicker: Andrew Jackson: While Jackson is known for his fiery temper and less than impressive social skills, he can split the uprights with the best of ‘em.  His temper helped his kicking career as he has been kicking things since he was a kid.  Mostly people, but as he got older and more mature, he learned to channel this kicking desire to football and is now as good as you’ll find. 

Defense/Special Teams: Ronald Reagan: Again, a no-brainer. Nobody has ever loved defense more than Ronnie. He’s brash, bold and not afraid to blitz on any down. He’ll knock down the offense’s walls and he’ll force turnovers and get after the other team’s QB like no one else. He’s underestimated because of his age, but he’s got the experience and game to turn that to his biggest advantage. Also, when he gets the chance, he’ll run the score up on ya.

Okay, there you have it. I’m pretty sure my team is gonna dominate.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

Fantasy Football and Leaving it All on the Field

Matt-Man and Jayman put on a pretty good performance last night on “I’m With Stupid.” They came out strong and had lots of enthusiasm. Then, they avoided the big emotional letdown and kept up the intensity and executed their game plan flawlessly.  Especially Matt-Man, who overcame some adversity and had to gut it out. 

They both did a great job of not getting flustered by the rush of the clock.  They might not have segued perfectly, but they kept it together as they moved through the show. And then they came up big in the clutch making some big plays late when it mattered most.  And that’s how you build a winner. 

Internet radio is about taking it one show at a time. And it’s about hard work.  You can’t just wish for a good show to happen. You have work hard at it and MAKE IT HAPPEN! That’s what Matt-Man and Jayman have been doing. They’re proving, week in and week out, that they are committed to being the very best show on the internet. They’re leading by example.  You just have to WANT IT MORE than everyone else. 

It should be clear to everyone that Matt-Man and Jayman have the character and the talent to take this show to the next level.  And they’re going to get it done no matter what it takes.  NOBODY works harder on their craft than these two guys. And nobody is going to out-compete them either.  They have all the intangibles to make it to the elite level.  

What they clearly have is A COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE! 

So, we would very much appreciate it if you listen to our Fantasy Football Preview show that included a very special accidental open from our sports correspondent Slyder Balzcock and a Dramatic Reading of Tumblr by Jayman. You don’t want to miss that folks! 

We appreciate your listening and love every single one of you out there! 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio