Rick Santorum 2012: Because Unlike Politicians, Matt-Man Keeps His Word

There has been a rumor circulating through the tubes of the internets of late, that I, Matt-Man, on March 6th am going to turn my political beliefs on their head by proudly going to my voting location in Ohio, declaring myself a Republican,  and unabashedly casting my vote for Rick Santorum.

Well, let me tell you something, my dear friends of IWS…

The rumor is true, and…I am the one who started it.

Oh sure…

Some people claim that I am being flip.  I am doing this as a joke.  A gag.

Just trying to be comical by making fun of our precious right to vote which was granted to us and is protected for us by the brave men and women who died for us in order to have that right and so we may continue to have that right.

Well my friends, I say to those nay saying idiots…

You’re damn right!!

You know why?

Because this Presidential Election cycle has become the political punchline of a joke that burgeoned exponentially during the second Bill Clinton term that goes like this:

“What do you do to your opponent during an election?  Lie, distort, lie again, and pander in order to gain and/or hold on to your seat.  Ha Ha Ha Ha!!”

While there has always been pandering and deep schisms amongst Republicans and Democrats, the seriousness of our elections has raced to the bottom since ‘96, and today has reached the nadir of profundity, thought, and intellectual curiosity.

Now don’t get me wrong…I know that there have been, and always will be, bitter and ugly political campaigns, and frankly, I dig those, however…

In a bygone era, candidates from the two major parties vied for your vote in order to have a seat at the legislative table in order to pass a bill or two in which he or she believed.  Now?

Candidates from the two major parties legislate and campaign in order to spend their entire lifetimes at the peoples’ legislative table, while putting his or her and more importantly, their constituents’ beliefs aside.

They will legislate by avoiding crucial votes, being innocuous and/or flexible in their positions, and of course…

They will go on the attack as often, as dirty, and as wrongly as they need, in order to hold on to that cash cow of a job that is the career of a U.S. Representative…or Senator…or President.

Y’know?  This essay was intended to be a funny treatise about all the things I would have to change about myself once I became a Republican, and voted for Rick Santorum.

You know, things like…shaving…going to church…publicly hating gay people all the while hiring them to lick envelopes and having sex with them, but…

I guess, the joke about voting for Santorum that I perpetrated, backfired on me, and simply made me mad.

But, I am still going to switch from being an Independent to a Republican next Tuesday, and vote for Santorum.

Because while it was a joke, unlike the losers and panderers who run our nation, I will actually do what I promised to do.

No deflection.  No, “I was going to but…”.  No talk about, “the landscape” changing.

I said that I would vote for Santorum, and vote for Santorum I shall.

And who knows…Once I am officially, legally, and publicly declared a Republican, I may swing an invite to one of our area’s finer restaurants, or at least, score free tickets to a Tractor Pull.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

E-Mail:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

The Prime Minister of Turkey Bastes Gov. Rick Perry

Merhaba and  Günaydın to you.

This is Turkish Prime Minister, Recep Tayyip Erdogan for I’m With Stupid.  Why is the Prime Minister of a country of nearly 80 Million people vocabularizing on this medium, you ask?

Well listen as I tell you…One American GOP candidate for President, Rick Perry, says that we are but a Muslim-ruled alarmist and terrorist nation.

When we objected to his words to the U.S. Department of State, we were brushed off by an official statement that read…

“Don’t worry your pretty, little, whirling dervished heads about what Rick Perry says; he’s a fucking moron.”

Frankly and grammatically, I was behooven to put finger to type pad and contact someone…indeed, anyone…who in America would listen to us, and allow me to speak upon behalf of our ecru-colored peoples.

Mr. Perry says that my nation of Turkey should receive no U.S. aid because we are a nation of Islamic terrorists.

Allow me to explain to Mr. Drugstore Cowboy, who in shoe-shined boots, shoots cooped up birds at a ranch probably named in honor of his and his daddy’s dalliances, that we Turks, have for sixty years, been a friend to the West and more importantly, to the United States.

Let me tell you something Perry…Toward the end of World War II we entered on the side of the Allies.

During the Cold War, we told the Soviets to bring it, because we knew they wouldn’t, ‘cause we are Turks.

During the Korean Conflict, we fought along side of you, bled with you, and ate shit-canned WW II rations with you, and we as allies…Turks, Aussies, Brits, and Americans, together gunned down much of the shallow gene pool that was to become Kim Jong Il.

In 1952 we had asked for, and were granted, a membership into NATO.  Turkey became the lynchpin and the keystone for keeping the USSR from gaining a iron foothold in the Middle East.  And what do we get in return from you, Mr. Perry?  That’s right…

Heartache.

I know.  I know…You Mr. Perry, like many Americans, have this, balls to the wailing walls feeling for Israel and all of her “vast greatness” as a place of Middle East democracy and God Given benevolence, however…

Many of us in Turkey distrust the State of Israel, what with her illegal capture of some of our Turks recently, and Israel’s attack on the U.S.S. Liberty in 1967; we would rather just simply ignore Israel, all the while seeing Palestine being granted her own state.

And allow me to ask you this, Mr. Perry…If Israel is such a great and glorious democracy , how come America is still spoon-feeding her a couple of billion dollars a year.  Should not that foreign aid end as well, if you guys are so strapped?

Oh my goodness gracious, Mr. Perry.  You claim, we as Turks are rattling scimitars, and going beyond the pale as we as a country explore our future and examine who we want to be.  And, maybe we are changing from the country of Ataturk into something different, however…

We may be changing into a national version of you, and demonstrating exactly what it is that you, if we were a Jewish State, would like and support…

We like you, may want our democracy to someday, become a theocracy, but with one glaring difference.

We are doing it because for many in our nation our faith tells us to, not because that is what the Presidential polls tell us to do.

And Mr. Perry with the South Carolina Primary quickly approaching, and in all of your brief and xenophobic less-than-glory, I utter to you the words that Ataturk said years ago…

“As they have come, so they will go.”

Don’t let the door of obscurity and ignorance hit you on the ass, Rick.

Sincerely,
Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Prime Minister

email:   neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws

Iowa Caucus 2012: Children of the Corn Go A' Votin'

Welcome to Iowa everybody!!

This is IWS political news babe, Shannyn Jannsyn coming to you from the Hawkeye State, as the long awaited, first in the nation, Iowa Caucuses are finally here.

The GOP Presidential candidates have been talking and talking for months, but as everyday Iowans head to the caucus rooms tonight, we at IWS want to know what issues weigh upon the minds of Iowa Caucus goers.

I interviewed dozens of definite caucus attendees this morning at the Drake Diner here in Des Moines, and here are a few samplings of what matters most to those who will be helping to determine to course of the 2012 Presidential election…


Vern Husk…

I want to know where the candidates stand on farm subsidies. I would be in a real bind if subsidies are cut. The government has been paying me to not grow corn for so long, I don’t reckon I could remember how to grow it if had to. Do I till? Do I no-till? When’s the best time to plant?

That’s a lot of re-learnin’, and I haven’t been very nimble in my attic ev’ry since ‘79 when my cousin Eustis whacked me upside the think melon with a Crafstman hoe.

Martha Silk…

All of the candidates have droned on and on about how they will keep illegal Mexicans out of our country. Not one of them says a damn word about keeping the illegal blacks, Jews, and Canadians out of here. Oh Dear God, the Canadians!!

Eli Onthecob…

My biggest concern is that I’m going to wake up one morning and the government has completely taken over. Why just this past summer they opened a “municipal” swimming pool in Council Bluffs and this fall the Health Department was doling out free “flu shots.” Where does it end? And let me ask this…what exactly was in them “flu shots?”

Major Kernel…

As a small business owner and well-respected Christian member of my community, I am concerned about this trend of our kids having no work ethic and listening to that crazy rock ‘n’ roll music. Sure, Buddy Holly’s plane may have crashed over in Clear Lake back in 1959, but that devil music never died.

Helen Fritter…

Oh my, I really wish someone would put up a traffic light at the intersection at Maple St. and Wayne Ave. Ever since that Maid-Rite franchise opened, it’s been nothing but chaos. Somebody is going to get hurt…or worse!!

Succotash Jones…

Being one of seventeen black people in Iowa, I want someone to open a decent southern style restaurant. I snuck up here shortly after the Dred Scott decision and while I love my freedom, I really miss well-done collard greens, fine fricasseed chicken, and most of all, po’boy sammiches.

Lawdy yes…I’d almost go back to work on the plantation for a good ol’ po’boy sammich…or a muffaletta…Yeah, I digs them too.

And there you have it guys. The important issues that will be driving the debate during tonight’s Iowa caucuses…or is that caucii? Anyhoo…

This is Shannyn Jannsyn reporting from the Drake Diner in Des Moines, Iowa. Here’s to a Happy Caucus, and remember…don’t commit prematurely.

e-mail: neshobadude@yahoo.com
twitter:  @mattmaniws

Vote NO on Issue 2 in Ohio, 'Cause if you Don't, Gov. Kasich is Going to Sing!!

Today I am discussing Issue 2 which is on the ballot today in Ohio.  A No vote on Issue 2 will repeal Senate Bill 5 which was passed in Ohio recently and severely limits the collective bargaining rights of public employees in Ohio.

I am voting No on Issue 2 and will tell you why, but as a matter of full disclosure, I feel it necessary to tell you that I am a former Ohio public employee and a former staff rep for SEIU.

Anyway…

What follows, is why I think Ohioans should vote No on Issue 2, thus repealing SB 5, and its raping of collective bargaining rights of public employees in Ohio.

Our Governor, John Kasich, the man behind this anti-union bill and proponent of the Issue 2 YES campaign that keeps SB 5 as law, is a MASSIVE dickhead.

Oh sure, you’re saying to yourselves…

“Matt-Man is merely re-living his Union days and thinks Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead because of his kinship with public employees.”

Not true…

Sure I have historical ties to public employee unions, but I am first and foremost a reporter of the truth and would never call Gov. Kasich a MASSIVE dickhead without confirmation or corroboration, so…

On Twitter Monday night, I asked my friend, cohort, and fellow “man beyond reproach”, Jayman, what HE thought of Gov. Kasich...

Jayman responded, and I quote…

“Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead who actually has a teeny-weenie wee-wee.”

See? Jayman doesn’t even live in Ohio and he knows of Kasich’s MASSIVE dickheadedness. It’s not just the choir singin’ here folks.

Although, if there was a choir singing, Kasich would probably be in it. I hear he likes show tunes and the such.

I’m not saying he’s gay or anything, but during his 1996 reelection campaign for his congressional seat, his opponent, Cynthia Ruccia implied that he was gay by asking questions as to why Kasich shared his D.C. digs with his well-paid male chief-of staff for several years. Uh-huh…

I am not into tawdry speculation of that nature, but I must tell you, I recently had a dream that John Kasich was having sex with Marcus Bachmann, and….enjoying every minute of it.

In my forty-six years of sleeping, once in awhile my dreams have proven to be true, so…I can’t completely discount the notion that Kasich may be gay, especially since he and his first wife, Mary Lee, divorced “amicably”.

How many non-gay men have an amicable divorce? IKR? And listen…

Not to add grist to the rumor mill, but I heard that the divorce was amicable because after Kasich cried like a little schoolgirl, his soon to be ex wife Mary Lee, relented and let him keep half of her clothes.

And not that this could have anything to do with him being gay, or not, but…he was raised Catholic, and you know what they say…

“Once you go Franciscan, you'll never go straight agin’.”

Although I will say, after his parents were killed in a car crash he turned to evangelical Christianity. I guess he blamed the Pope.

Anyway…

I hope I have shed some light upon why SB 5 is a bad bill and why for the following reasons, it should be repealed by voting No on Issue 2…

John Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead, who may or may not be gay, and in my dreams has had sex with Michele Bachmann’s husband, all the while hating the Pope.

If that’s not good enough reason to vote No on Issue 2, I don’t know what is. Thank You.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Todd and Sarah Palin Divorcing...There's Weeping in Wasilla

Hopey Changey…Drill Baby Drill…Lame Stream Media…

You know how often I have heard those phrases warbled by a voice that echoes with the sound of a toucan suffering from throat cancer? Christ Almighty, enough!!

Sorry…guess I should introduce myself. Todd Palin here, and if you have heard the rumors, you know that I am so going to divorce Sarah Palin.

Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth that have occurred since the rumor broke Wednesday. Todd Palin is going to divorce America’s Sweetheart. America’s Sweetheart my ass…

It would be more accurate to call her America’s Trainwreck. Dear God, what a horrid human being she is.

The newly released book, The Rogue by Joe McGinnis, unfortunately, yet accurately, sums up many of her character flaws, her drug-addled sexcapades, and what a Christ-Hating hypocrite she is.

Now don’t get me wrong…I denounce Mr. McGinnis for stalking us and writing this book, but I do not denounce the accuracy of his reporting. I’d like to, but I can’t.

We were going to get divorced before, because she cheated on me with my business partner, but then John McCain wheeled up to the house in his Rascal scooter and asked her to be his VP candidate, and we did just have that retarded kid, Trig…So what could I do?

Ha Trig…Yeah, I don’t see trigonometry in his future…anyway…

All the other kids’ names are fucked up as well, and should be grounds for divorce in themselves…Piper…Track…Willow…and Bristol. What the fuck? Was Sarah snorting cocaine when she came up with those names?

At least she wasn’t thinking about the time she was screwing Glen Rice when she came up with those names, else they’d be known as, T-Rig Thug, Piperlicious, Fast Track Leon, Wil-Lowdown-Smoothie, and Baby Daddy Maker. Oy!!

Anyway…The Eski-Ho is a joke and she’s the only one who doesn’t see that…well…and a few million other ass clowns. Man, I have never understood the affection that so many folks feel for her.

Hell, screw the McGinnis book. I could tell you things beyond the coke snorting, the sex with Nubian roundball studs, and the cheating on me with my biz partner.

Sarah brags about shooting moose and field dressing them…that’s bullshit.

Oh sure she smells like a moose that has just been shot and carved up, ‘cause man, that chick stinks and never bathes in a normal fashion, but she has never taken down any wild animal other than a wolverine…basketball player.

Sarah takes what you guys in the lower 48 call a Kentucky Bath. She simply pours on the Chanel by the gallon, and hopes her inner stink doesn’t ooze through the gasping scent of the eau de cologne.

And listen to me guys…You right wing males out there who think she’s hot? Ha. Let me tell you, I have seen her naked far more often than I have wanted to.

She often wears tight jeans, trying to showcase her ass. Pleeeeease…When she takes her jeans off, her ass spontaneously combusts like the airbag on the steering heel of a Subaru…leaving one with bruises, a sulfur smell, and heartache.  But...

In spite of her of her self-absorbed, ego-driven personality, I was going to try to find a final solution to our problems by taking her on a second honeymoon to Aruba.

She saw right through my attempt at my trendy Aruban uxoricide plan, which both pissed me off, and amazed me, because the stupid bitch can’t spell uxoricide, let alone know what it means.

Anyway…I am divorcing her, and please don’t hate me. I’ve been through a lot.

I apologize for the horror this may cause in your sad, blindly believing lives, but don’t fret for me…

I am going to look up Michele Bachmann, punch her gay husband in the junk, and bust my cap in her ass.

Thank You,

Todd “Dumb Bitch’s Former First Dude” Palin

P.S. If you have any legal inquiries, litigation, or lawsuits, please contact Matt-Man at:

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Ginger Lee Doesn't Want Weiner ...

Hola Bitches!!

As you know, now FORMER congressman Anthony Weiner was involved in a truly despicable and outrageous twitter and Facebook sexting scandal recently. Well, one of his many innocent victims was none other than professional dancer, entertainer and concerned citizen Ginger Lee.

Aaaand, I just happened to have gotten my hands on the sexting conversation Weiner had with Ginger.* I decided in the interest of the public's right to know, I would publish it all here in it's entirety:

GL: “Our military action in Libya is a total violation of the War Powers Act. I'm so upset about this. Even in a “supporting role” we're still launching missiles and we're still engaged in military action.

AW: “Stop staring at my weapon!”

GL: “This is serious. I tried to call your office to formally complain about this.”

AW: “How did i miss this chance to rock your world by phone? Give me another chance!
Stalk me baby, very hot.”

GL: “That's sweet, but there's so much work that needs to be done. And the republicans don't give a shit about anything other huge tax cuts for the wealthy. It just pisses me off that they continue to claim that cutting taxes will actually INCREASE revenues and that all we need to do is make huge cuts in spending for programs for poor people and we can balance the budget that easily. Oh and all this bullshit that their plans will result in 5% annual growth for 10 solid fucking years. What bullshit! We've never had that kind of growth and we never will now that most of our manufacturing sector has been moved over seas. Not to mention that THAT kind of growth would require us to sustain unemployment near ZERO percent which we all know would result in runaway inflation! .. Uh .. Sorry I get a little carried away sometimes. Hope it doesn't bother you.”

AW: “It's making me hard.”

GL: “When you take the floor in tonight's debate will you PLEASE fight for women and try to stop the republicans from gutting funding for Planned Parenthood and women's health care?”

AW: “Tonight I'm just a man with a raging hard on”

GL: “I watched the video of your speech defending funding for 9/11 first responders.”

AW: “You watch it naked?”

GL: “No, but it made me think about...”

AW: interrupts “Thinking of my rock hard cock?”

GL: “Noooo silly! Think about how much passion you have for politics and fighting for people who can't fight for themselves.”

AW: “It gives me a huge bulge in my pants. Wanna see?”

GL: “What can I do to make your job better?”

AW: “Practice saying 'Ohhhh GOD, Anthony, I'm coming AGAIN!”

GL: “I'm trying to be serious. These are very serious issues and our country is in real trouble. All you can think about is sex.”

AW: “I'm horny a lot. Sorry”

GL: “Well you need to focus on channeling your energies into your job as congressman!”

AW: “You're right! What are you wearing? Are you getting off? Is your pussy wet?”

GL: “You know what? I'm just gonna call Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand. Maybe she'll care enough to help.”

AW: “OMG .. That's so hot! That'll give me something to spank it to.”

And there you have it folks. Ginger Lee, a very concerned citizen trying to get help for some very important issues from former Congressman Anthony Weiner, but all she got was disgusting, overtly sexual responses. Poor Ginger. Call me sweetie and I'll definitely talk politics with you and do what I can to help you.

Oh and here's a pic of Ginger Lee. But, only because it's possible that some of you guys have never heard of her...

Jayman

jayman3768@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

The Endless Summer of Sarah

Hiya my fellow patriots…Sarah Palin here.

Today June 21^st is the longest day of the year because it is the Summer Equinox. What is the Summer Equinox, you ask?

The Summer Equinox is when the Equator moves from it’s usual spot in Ecuador, and sits between Quito and the North Pole. That’s right.

The Equator thingy moves due to divine intervention and on this day every year it’s way up here.

Because of that, it gets warm up in our neck of the woods, and also because of that, the Southern himmysphere is huge and our Northern himmysphere shrinks!!

I don’t think the Eastern and Western himmyspheres change at all, which is good, because those non-abstinence practicing Asians need all the room they can get.

So anyhoo…Enjoy what I call The Endless Summer of Sarah my fellow patriots and mavericks, but remember…

You never know when our Liar-in-Chief is going to be awoked by that 3 AM phone call telling him that the South Koreans are launching their nuclear missiles at us, so don’t let your guard down while enjoying the sun, surf, and turf.

This is Sarah Palin for I’m With Stupid saying…

Drill Baby Drill, Lock and Load, and as always…

Michele Bachmann is a thunder stealing bitch.

--Sarah