Heat Wave 2012...Summer Safety Tips

Cheers Chuckleheads!!

As a widespread and profound heat wave is already gripping parts of the nation and about to exert its fiery grip on the Greater Bagwine, Ohio metroplex, I thought this would be a good time to provide a public service on behalf of IWS in the form of a few heat wave/summer fun safety tips.

Folks here in Bagwine freak out in the winter when an inch of snow is predicted, and some of us with a modicum of common sense refer to that type of thing as, “The White Death.”  So…

So since it’s summer and we are getting nothing but 24/7 local news coverage of the impending “dangerous” summer conditions, we shall refer to this summer sun induced panic as, “The Yellow Death.”

No, wait…That sounds more like an impending invasion by the Chinese and as we all know, America has nothing to fear from the Chinese, other than our own borrowing habits.  Let’s see…

We will call this heat wave, “The Orange Death.”  Yeah, I like that…or better yet…

Let’s make it sound all sexy, translate it into French, and call it, “La Mort d’Orange.”

Okay, now that sounds serious and yet artfully headline grabbing.  So to wit, and heretofore, I shall now offer some very good suggestions as to how to beat the near 100 degree heat over the next few days.

Fewer Clothes…
When the mercury is bursting through the top of a thermometer like a less than experienced teen boy’s Johnson at the site of a picture of Megan Fox naked, the clothes have to come off.  “Experts” will tell you to dress lightly in light-colored apparel.  Screw that stupid advice.

When the mercury is kissing the 100 degree mark, it’s time to shed your clothes completely.  Be advised however…For the health and well-being of others and in spite of your lack of dignity and self-respect, if you look like me, stay indoors with the blinds shut while walking around naked.  That’s both cool for you, and for others.

Stay Hydrated…
Your local TV newshounds always tell ya…“Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of water, Gatorade type stuff, but alcohol, is a no-no.”

Pfffffft.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  What is the number one go to item when battling summer’s inferno?  Damn right, an ice cold beer.  A cold beer will extinguish Mother Nature’s blast furnace quicker than anything else.  And…

If after ten or twelve beers you are still hot, simply drop the top on the convertible and take a speedy drive down a curvy country lane.  Paradise.

Tip Your Drive-Thru Attendants Well…
These Angels of Mercy who man the Drive-Thrus of Ohio will be smiling and sweating while attending to your thirsty needs.  The summer heat can take its toll on these lifters of the 30 packs, so even when only spending a couple of bucks on a pop, show your appreciation and leave a sizable tip of between 3-5 dollars when patronizing their establishments.

That may seem extreme, but just as the gratuity gets bigger at a restaurant when the party is larger, tips at a Drive-Thru should rise with the temperature and the Dew Point.

Take Care of Your Pets…
Our pets are some of the closest member of our families, so make certain that they have access to A/C or a fan, and have a comfortable place in which to rest. If you are away, make sure somebody can feed them, provide them with a good meal, and keep Fido and/or Toonces company.

Take Care of the Elderly…
Even the elderly close to us are sometimes an afterthought, however, during this extreme heat we need to keep them nearly foremost in our thoughts.

Sometimes due to fleas, mange, or just plain crabbiness, the elderly can wander off, so keep them on a short leash preferably tied to a shade tree or at least in a place around the yard the gets no direct sunlight between 2 and 4.  A bowl of fresh water would be a nice touch as well.  Although they can see the Lighthouse of Heaven blinking upon the horizon of life, the elderly still get thirsty just like you and I.

And there you have it folks…A few good heat wave tips that the losers on your local TV networks won’t mention.

This is the Matt-Man preparing for the impending heat wave as I get ready for today’s IWS Radio Show which airs LIVE today at 11 AM ET.  And, you can catch it LIVE by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

P.S.  Make sure you ask everyone, "Hot enough for ya?"  People enjoy knowing that you are concerned about their well-being.

2012 Summer of Love Horoscope

Happy Summer's Eve all you tan Cupids and sun-splashed Aphrodites out there!!

This is IWS Astrologer and Prophetess, Lana Jouráy here with your 2012 Summer of Love Horoscope.

I have read all the tea leaves, eyed every star, and studied all the chicken entrails in my backyard in order to give you a look into what will happen to you in regards to this upcoming sun and funtastic Summer 2012.

Let’s get to it; shall we, my at long last love and hopeful ones?

We shall...

Aries (March 21-April 19)
As a purist when it comes to cooking out, you have always had “a thing” against gas grills, and during the Fourth of July cookout at your neighbor's house, you will discover that gas grills have always had “a thing” against you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Albeit briefly, you finally fulfill your dream of seeing the Grand Canyon up close and personal when your flight from Phoenix to Honolulu develops engine problems shortly after take off, and your plane crashes right, smack dab in the middle of Mother Nature's glory hole.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A Trans-Canada train trip is just what the Doctor ordered, unfortunately for you, the good Doctor should have remembered to sign-off on your nitro tablet refill prior to departing.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’ve always had a hunch that storing your homemade fireworks cache in close proximity to your meth lab was a bad idea, and on June 29th at 4:17 P.M., you’ll quickly and irrevocably find out that your hunch was correct.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Upon coming home from your Trans-Canada train trip,  your euphoric sense of rest and relaxation will be quickly erased when you are met with a lawsuit from the family of a now deceased patient for whom you forgot to sign off on a nitro prescription refill prior to departing.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Sex on the beach can be a highly erotic, romantic, and sexy activity, but when you do it with a Donald Duck flotation device, it’s just plain creepy, you sick fuck.

Libra  (September 23-October 22)
You find out during your trip to the Everglades that debating a family of alligators over who has the rights to a first-rate camping spot is a losing proposition.

Scorpio  (October 23-November 21)
In late August, the stars are in perfect alignment for you, as in succession, Jerry Mathers, Eve Plumb, and Dick Van Patten eulogize your life following your death resulting from you doing your impersonation of Leonardo DiCaprio atop the world’s tallest Ferris wheel.

Sagittarius  (November 22-December 21)
You always tell people, “You can’t have it all.”, but sadly you will find out too late that your pet python Caligula doesn’t adhere to that school of thinking.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It’s a good thing that you like your summers as you say, “hotter than Hell” because by the end of July and for all eternity, that’s where you will be spending your time.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Be sure to remember while vacationing in Toronto Labor Day weekend, that when a girl tells you she is 14, the Centigrade to Fahrenheit conversion rate only applies to temperature not to a person’s age.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Sadly…after winning First Prize in the Ft. Walton Beach Sand Castle building contest, you and your exquisitely done Jerry Sandusky sandcastle are swept away forever by a sea of angry, anti-pedophile, do-gooder types.

I hope my efforts of prognostication are helpful.

For I’m With Stupid, this is Lana Jouráy saying…

Keep looking up, because the stars wanna shine on your face.

Lana

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Matt Said...Jay Said XL

Matt titkellem ... Jay titkellem; inti tisma.

(via Twitter)

Jay:  No show prep phone call this week…all of my family is coming in for a big reunion this weekend.
Matt:  Uh-huh…Are you sure that’s all that is going on here?
Jay:  Yeah, why?
Matt:  Perhaps you are really avoiding our weekly call because you are cracking wise with somebody else?
Jay:  No.  I swear.
Matt:  Okay.
Jay:  How could I do that to you and your fragile ego?
Matt:  Damn right, wait…wh--

Jay:  Anyhoo.  Since I’ll be tied up with family all weekend, we need to do a show that requires very little show prep.
Matt:  The Many Sides of Mitt Romney?
Jay:  Ha…that would take forever with all the sides he has, has had, and will have.
Matt:  True.
Jay:  How about The Rachel Maddow Show…Love Her or Hate Her?
Matt:  TOO easy.
Jay and Matt:  HATE HER!!

Matt:  Memorial Day Weekend is this weekend.  We could do something on that.
Jay:  We could kick-off the unofficial start to summer with hot weather tips and shit.
Matt:  Cool.  We could do grilling and cookout tips.
Jay:  Since I will be in the midst of one, talk about family reunions.
Matt:  Indeed…We could talk about the scantily clad women in their summer fashions.
Jay:  Which you see even more of at typical vacation destinations.

Matt:  I think we’re set.
Jay:  Oh I know we are.
Matt:  Hey?
Jay:  What?

Matt:  Did you say that you are holding your big family reunion in Yellville, AR?
Jay:  Yeah why?
Matt:  That’s not a real city is it?
Jay:  Well, it’s not a city; it’s tiny, but that is the official name of the burg in which my family and I will be partying away.
Matt:  Ha…That’s funny.
Jay:  Oh it’s a cool little place.  You should bring Schmoop down sometime for the annual Turkey Trot Festival.  Bring the wife and kid too.
Matt:  Oh you’re a funny fucker, aren’t ya?
Jay:  Hee Hee.  Sometimes.

Matt:  Okay.  I think we’re good to go.  See you on IWS Radio this Sunday at Noon ET, Jayman.
Jay:  We’ll be kicking off summer through the goal posts of life.
Matt:  True Dat.

The Endless Summer of Sarah

Hiya my fellow patriots…Sarah Palin here.

Today June 21^st is the longest day of the year because it is the Summer Equinox. What is the Summer Equinox, you ask?

The Summer Equinox is when the Equator moves from it’s usual spot in Ecuador, and sits between Quito and the North Pole. That’s right.

The Equator thingy moves due to divine intervention and on this day every year it’s way up here.

Because of that, it gets warm up in our neck of the woods, and also because of that, the Southern himmysphere is huge and our Northern himmysphere shrinks!!

I don’t think the Eastern and Western himmyspheres change at all, which is good, because those non-abstinence practicing Asians need all the room they can get.

So anyhoo…Enjoy what I call The Endless Summer of Sarah my fellow patriots and mavericks, but remember…

You never know when our Liar-in-Chief is going to be awoked by that 3 AM phone call telling him that the South Koreans are launching their nuclear missiles at us, so don’t let your guard down while enjoying the sun, surf, and turf.

This is Sarah Palin for I’m With Stupid saying…

Drill Baby Drill, Lock and Load, and as always…

Michele Bachmann is a thunder stealing bitch.

--Sarah