This Little Light of Mine, I'm Going to Let It Shine

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”
--Arnold Bennett

Yesterday, March 6th, 2012 is a date that will live in both joy and infamy.

You see…I became a Republican yesterday.

A true blue, dyed in the sweater vest, Sean Hannity cocksuckin’ GOPer for at least two years.

And what did my transformation bring me?  That’s right…

Heartache.

I was answering a call from God and his only begotten Son by registering as a Rick Santorum voting Republican, but alas…

While the Matt-Man effect helped to carry Clark County for Santorum, Rick fell short in other areas of my great state.

Sad.

Santorum lost Ohio because voters in the Cleveland and Cincinnati areas who evidently relate best to CEO’s who ship job overseas and to states down south, voted by 18-20 percentage points in favor of Mitt “Shuddup and Eat Your Shit Sandwich, You Loser” Romney.

My heart grew heavy as the late night results poured in, and I realized that The Great Santorum would lose my home state of Ohio, however…

There was a distant beacon of light…a modicum of hope, and a nascent feeling of rebirth bouncing around upon the taint of my soul…While I had voted in a losing effort for Santorum, on the upside, I had become…

A Republican!!

And let me tell you my friends, being a registered Republican is not something I take lightly.  I will make the necessary changes.

First of all…

My girlfriend, Schmoop? She’s no longer my girlfriend, because her and I living in sin, is a GOP no-no. Schmoop is now, and as long as I am a Republican, will be forever known as…

Lupe, The Laundry Lady!!

As Schmoop can’t pass for a black woman and Mexicans are the new sub-minimum wage domestics, I will call her my laundry lady, Lupe.

Let’s hope that in between the wash and rinse cycles that the condom doesn’t break.  I’d hate to end up with a Strom Thurmond moment on my hands.

Another change…

Yesterday after voting, I was listening to Sean Hannity on the radio as I always do, however this time?  I didn’t laugh.

It was hard, but every time I felt a big ol’ chuckle comin’ on, I thought of President Reagan lying in his casket as right thinking patriots stood around his stiff body, and in vain, while weeping amber waves of tears, attempted to resurrect him.

It was with that in mind, that my sadness over the Santorum loss changed to a winsome smile, and I was proud to now be able to walk hand in joyful hand with the likes of Norquist, Coulter, Gingrich, and Bachmann.

For the first time in my adult life…I was at peace, and more importantly…

I was an American, and my friends, a member of the Republican party and an American I shall remain.

This shedding of my liberal skin, the tossing off of my rose-colored, un-American sunglasses, and my lack of worry for those less fortunate than I during the holidays, makes life better…safer…less confusing.

In fact, becoming a Republican has turned me in to something I have always wanted to be…

A Norman Rockwell picture...

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

And don't forget kids...Jayman and I go live today at 11 AM ET on Blog Talk Radio, so give us a listen as we break down Super Tuesday and wish Jayman a Happy Birthday.  Just click us up HERE.

Rick Santorum 2012: Because Unlike Politicians, Matt-Man Keeps His Word

There has been a rumor circulating through the tubes of the internets of late, that I, Matt-Man, on March 6th am going to turn my political beliefs on their head by proudly going to my voting location in Ohio, declaring myself a Republican,  and unabashedly casting my vote for Rick Santorum.

Well, let me tell you something, my dear friends of IWS…

The rumor is true, and…I am the one who started it.

Oh sure…

Some people claim that I am being flip.  I am doing this as a joke.  A gag.

Just trying to be comical by making fun of our precious right to vote which was granted to us and is protected for us by the brave men and women who died for us in order to have that right and so we may continue to have that right.

Well my friends, I say to those nay saying idiots…

You’re damn right!!

You know why?

Because this Presidential Election cycle has become the political punchline of a joke that burgeoned exponentially during the second Bill Clinton term that goes like this:

“What do you do to your opponent during an election?  Lie, distort, lie again, and pander in order to gain and/or hold on to your seat.  Ha Ha Ha Ha!!”

While there has always been pandering and deep schisms amongst Republicans and Democrats, the seriousness of our elections has raced to the bottom since ‘96, and today has reached the nadir of profundity, thought, and intellectual curiosity.

Now don’t get me wrong…I know that there have been, and always will be, bitter and ugly political campaigns, and frankly, I dig those, however…

In a bygone era, candidates from the two major parties vied for your vote in order to have a seat at the legislative table in order to pass a bill or two in which he or she believed.  Now?

Candidates from the two major parties legislate and campaign in order to spend their entire lifetimes at the peoples’ legislative table, while putting his or her and more importantly, their constituents’ beliefs aside.

They will legislate by avoiding crucial votes, being innocuous and/or flexible in their positions, and of course…

They will go on the attack as often, as dirty, and as wrongly as they need, in order to hold on to that cash cow of a job that is the career of a U.S. Representative…or Senator…or President.

Y’know?  This essay was intended to be a funny treatise about all the things I would have to change about myself once I became a Republican, and voted for Rick Santorum.

You know, things like…shaving…going to church…publicly hating gay people all the while hiring them to lick envelopes and having sex with them, but…

I guess, the joke about voting for Santorum that I perpetrated, backfired on me, and simply made me mad.

But, I am still going to switch from being an Independent to a Republican next Tuesday, and vote for Santorum.

Because while it was a joke, unlike the losers and panderers who run our nation, I will actually do what I promised to do.

No deflection.  No, “I was going to but…”.  No talk about, “the landscape” changing.

I said that I would vote for Santorum, and vote for Santorum I shall.

And who knows…Once I am officially, legally, and publicly declared a Republican, I may swing an invite to one of our area’s finer restaurants, or at least, score free tickets to a Tractor Pull.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

E-Mail:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Rick Santorum 2012: He Needs a Condom on His Potty Mouth !!

I have to apologize to all the devoted readers and listeners of the IWS website and radio show, and…I have to apologize to the IWS Worldwide Media Group as well.

No expense was spared in sending yours truly to Mesa, AZ., in order to cover Wednesday night’s CNN GOP Presidential debate and interview Rick Santorum, and how did I return the favor and show pride in my job?

After prepping for my debate coverage all morning and compiling questions for Rick Santorum while listening to the white noise from the TV that was airing scrambled video of porn movies within the confines of my luxurious room at the Motel 6 Mesa North, I felt confined.  So…

Needing some fresh air, I walked down W. Hampton Ave., when I came across an interesting watering hole in the wall known merely as, “Manny’s.”

It was only 9:08 A.M., but being from the Eastern Time Zone, it was damn near eleven thirty, so I ducked in for a cold one, or as the clientele inside of Manny’s says, “Una Fria, por favor.”

After three Boilermakers (or as the crowd at Manny’s now calls them, Loco Gringos), each consisting of a 24 ounce Steel Reserve and four shots of Crown Royal, I felt the need to get away from the dim lighting, the dark skin, and the hemp filled air of Manny’s, and get some fresh air.

After all, It was 10:30 on a Mesa, Arizona morning prior to the debate, and I needed to get the word on the street by interviewing some real voters in order to gauge where they stood, electoral wise.

But first…

I had to go back into Manny’s, because I had forgotten to take a leak…

So, after peeing into a toilet that smelled of ancient Tenochtitlan and zipping up far too soon, I had one more Loco Gringo with my new found buddies on my way out, prior to initiating some, “man on the street” type journalism.

Let me tell ya…I interviewed a couple of dozen fine folks of Mesa, AZ., and forty five minutes later when I looked at my notes?  I couldn’t decipher, interpret, or otherwise figure out what the hell they had said to me, and what I had written.

I needed some food…and quickly.

As happenstance would have it, I had apparently been doing interviews some three blocks away from Manny’s in front of a Mom and Pop establishment known as, “Crazy Jose’s Pawn Shop and Taquiera.”

I ordered the Numero Siete…  A fish taco, a beef taco, and five Coronas.  Upon consumption, and after a bit of Montezuma’s Revenge, I felt alive again.

I began to ramble back to my motel room by retracing my drunken path, when a couple of guys outside of Manny’s stopped me, and began to give me the business.

They claimed I owed them money…said that the IWS Credit Card was no good.  Pfffffft.

After I screamed like a little school girl  kicked the shit out of the ruffians and the police showed up, the fine officers of the Mesa Police Department incarcerated their sorry asses, and took me to my motel.

It was 2:30 PM by then, and I had missed my interview time with Rick Santorum.  So, I took a nap until it was time to go to the debate.

I showed up, listened, yawned, and then excused myself to the restroom, where I evacuated what was left of the Numero Siete, and walked out back of the Mesa Arts Center.  I waited for Santorum to come out after the debate.

When he did, I broke through his entourage, shove my mic in his face, and asked…

“Why do you oppose hot, freaky sex outside of marriage on Biblical grounds when Lot dorked his daughters and King David was a raging homo?”

With a look of puzzlement that quickly turned to anger, he said to me…

“Fuck You!!”

And that my friends, is why in spite of my shortcomings, I should get a Pulitzer Prize. I managed to make Rick Santorum say a dirty word.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

State of the Union Address 2012: Why Bother?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States…

And the joint Congress and American public go, “Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

Sad.

But the sadness…disinterest…malaise…or just plain, “What the fuck ever”, feeling is not without an understandable reason.

Tonight, during the State of the Union Address President Obama will say in some form or fashion as all President’s before him have said…

“The State of the Union is strong.”

Well, in my opinion, the State of the Union is far from strong, in fact, it sucks. And, I’m not talking about our economy, or our stature in the eyes of the world. I’m talking about us.

I’m talking about us as a nation of people who over the years have defeated an empire, have come together like none other, and now, after nearly 236 years of this great nation’s existence…

We argue over whether a woman has private and personal control over her own body, if a spouse has the right to let his spouse die in a dignified way, or if we should attack a country such as Iran whose military prowess is along the lines of the paper tiger that was Hussein’s Iraq.

Our nation has so many problems…from our debt, to reliance on foreign oil, to unemployment, to trying to find our markets and international place in the 21st Century.

And yet, when looking for a President and leader in our 2012 election cycle, what do many Americans look toward to guide their choice?

American History? The Constitution? Or perhaps, Common Sense? Noooooooo…

Many Americans find their safe harbors via the lighthouse of the media beacons that are MSNBC, FOX News, and some whacked out manchicks named Rachel Maddow and/or Sean Hannity among others.

Unfortunately, they seem to be the catalytic minority, and…they are what fuel the misfiring engine that is the do nothing government that we seem to have these days. Politicians want one thing, and that one thing is not to help America, it is to get reelected.

And in order to secure that end game, legislators agree with tiny minded folks, and no matter what, feed the electorate with what they want to hear in order to accomplish their unending, monetarily satisfying tenure within the once great halls of Congress.

Seriously, Mr. and/or Mrs. American Voter…you suck.

Choosing a President, taking the ten minutes it takes to vote, and actually researching who and why you want to vote for him or her has become such a chore. Because? Thinking takes time.

Millions of Americans listen to Limbaugh, Hannity, Maddow, and Olbermann because they would rather not think for themselves. They are too busy ordering pizza , texting a friend about how their spouse hates them, or playing Farmville on Facebook as they experience the virtual birth of a calf…

Gimme a break. It’s because of the laziness of the American voter that we in 2012, are left with a field of Presidential candidates of Romney, Gingrich, Santorum, Paul, and Obama.

In 1800 and 1804, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson went head to head in the Presidential election, and in 2012..?

We will have either Romney or Gingrich up against Obama.

Adams and Jefferson debated over the future course this country would take in order to make our then nascent nation more successful, and 200 and some years later?

No matter who the GOP picks to represent their party, the General Election debate will center on not who will make this country greater, but rather who will make this nation less than it already has become.

Ironically, it is our forefathers who set us upon this path with the birth of herd mentality political parties. However...

While they saw political parties merely as schools of thought, Americans today see them as political Cliff Notes, and comfortable, totalitarian schools of non-thought.

Americans today don’t have time to read the entire virtual biography that a candidate may put forth; they merely want to gaze, and listen to it briefly upon 24/7 cable news, and then like Pavlov’s dogs, obediently nod their heads, and wag their tails to what they know, and agree…or bark at the screen when they don’t.

After all, thinking takes time, and there are X-Box games to be played, spouses to cheat upon, and other who are unlike you and I to mock.

I wonder about our country, and when I do , I wonder about Ben Franklin.

He drank…He loooved the ladies…He smoked…He, like an idiot, stood out in the lightning…He hung out with pigeons as he trained them, and today?

Because of all of that, he couldn’t get elected as a City Commissioner of Bagwine, Ohio.

Americans today do not like thinkers…they do not like great people…Americans like a world that is homogenous…that thinks as they do…that is uncomplicated.

And that is exactly why America, the former bastion of innovation and great ideas, is becoming second-rate as a nation, and a nation whose State of the Union is not strong.

Matt-Man

Email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws

Mitt Romney 2012: I Am the Common Man!!

Hello my fellow Americans.  Mitt Romney here for I’m With Stupid.

I know what you are thinking, and trust me, I am currently and personally having a robust chortle, as you ask yourselves…

“What in blazes is former, barely well-to-do Massachusetts Governor, and GOP Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney doing on I’m With Stupid?”

Well let me tell you…

Even though I have recently brought Republicans together by winning both the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire Primary, many people still think I am but a self-serving man of fortunate lineage and vast wealth, who is out of touch with the majority of the American populous, all the while wanting to serve as President of this great nation.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  Well…I should say…

Although I do want to be your President, I am nothing like the cold and stoic detached Ebenezer Scrooge type that the media, people like Newt Gingrich, along with some voters, and anti-Romney Super PACs make me out to be.

In fact my friends, I am so down with your pedestrian, yet hip common man sub-culture, that it’s scary to me. Golly Heck…I’ll bet you ten-thousand dollars that you probably know dozens of people just like me within your gated communities.

Yet, some think that I am incognizant of, and keep my distance from, the “little people”…Some think that I, being “okay” financially, have no clue as to what real, everyday Americans experience and or have experienced.

Let me tell you right here and now.

I, Mitt Romney, all my life sliding down the chutes of my father’s loins in order to have handed to me the grandiose of the American Dream, have also experienced what it is like to be…a rebel…a rascal…a boat rocker, and most importantly, a Common Man.

Every morning, just as you do, I put on my finely tailored English pants made of exceptional Falkland Islands wool, one leg at a time.

As I know most of you good parents still do today, I, while they were growing up, always half-jokingly reminded my kids about how I had to walk up three flights of stairs both ways to my lecture hall at the private, Cranbrook Preparatory School for Boys in Bloomfield Hills, MI.

I remember one time during my youthful days at Cranbrook that some of us rowdy “Dead End Kids” raised a ruckus over the appointment of a new schoolmaster by refusing to tie our ties into a Double Windsor knot.

LOL…We took it a step farther, when all heck broke out in the form of a spontaneous, and devil-may-care food fight in the dining room at lunch during final exams week.  Let me tell you…The lobster and Foie gras we’re flying!!

When I came home for Christmas break, my mother was so angry with me, that she sent me to bed without dinner, and sent our man Paco off to the cleaners on Christmas Eve to rid my blazer of the shellfish residue.

Did I say Paco?  Darn right I did…You see, we Romneys are multi-cultural and sensitive to all peoples regardless of their religion, political bent, or ethnicity.

Did I tell you that my dad, George Romney was born in Colonia Dublan, Mexico?  I didn’t?  Well, maybe I shouldn’t have, and let’s say we just forget about this part of my exposition.

I mean really…it’s not like it matters, so all in all we need not mention it again…unless…hey wait…

If I could spread this fact to all the Mexicans and blacks, who live in Section 8 housing, I cou--..?  I think I’m on to something.

Listen Pablo, Jose, and Dre’ Cool …Just like you, I was born into and unto oppression, and just as I have overcome it, I will bring you along side of me when elected Mitt-Man-in-Chief.

There’s a Nor’Easter a-blowin’ on the political front and his name is Mitt.  Forget Bain Capital, my J. Crew clothing, and my man-servants…

If you can push the votes my way, come January 2013 we’ll be sitting in the White House tossing back some 40’s of…

Cristal Champagne!!

I know my brothers, you would prefer some Steel Reserve, but, dang, I got to stay true to my roots.

Mitt Romney

email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
twitter:  @mattmaniws

Rick Santorum 2012: Does the Office Come with a Cool Hat Like The Pope Has?

“Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves.”
--Matthew 7:15

“A Conservative Government is an organized hypocrisy.”
--Benjamin Disraeli

It is often said, that when attacking a political opponent, the most effective words to use against him or her are their own.

As former Sen. Rick Santorum, after his virtual tie with Mitt Romney, on a wing and several prayers, descends upon New Hampshire like the David who more or less defeated the Mormon Goliath, I have a few thoughts about him.

I don’t like Santorum.  In fact…I looooathe him.

Santorum’s “near victory” speech after the Iowa Caucuses was very well-done…even, to a certain extent, poetic.

He eloquently wafted on about his immigrant parents and their Horatio Alger type successes.  He waxed emotionally about the hard working, coal dust covered and ember ridden steel workers of the Monongahela River Valley.

He spoke of by-gone days of American exceptionalism in Western Pennsylvania.  It was stirring.

He also spoke of freedom…of liberty…of opportunity…where each and every American has the right to go forth, and with all the freedoms that America offers to him or her, be all he or she wants to be.

And yet, in Santorum’s well-written and colorful version of freedom…there lie a few caveats, or perhaps in his case, dicta.

First and foremost being, there will be no abortions in this country.

The Almighty Santorum speaketh...

I don’t care if you were held against your will in this land of personal liberty, YOU WILL HAVE THAT BABY!!  

Have all the freedoms you want, Mizz Probably Asking For It…AFTER you give birth to the Meth Head rapist’s zygote which comes to bear fruit in the form of a beautiful and bouncing baby boy.

Perhaps Mr. Meth Head should have worn a condom, but as you know, that is but an artificial semen dam to God’s righteousness so I wouldn’t have allowed that anyway.

Hey Bryce and Chandler!?  Quit being gay, and don’t even think about getting married, because for eons, God has dictated that only man and woman can marry.  He said that somewhere in the Bible or maybe I heard it from Bill Donahue.

Either way, remember…A cock in the ass, is worth two gay birds in Hell…or something.

And for all you Anti-Semites out there…I stand by Israel no matter what, and if you don’t, you are un-American.

Israel was put here by God and more importantly, by the United Nations in 1948.  And while I will kick the UN out of New York before my term has expired, they at least did something right on the Jewish Question.

And in order to protect Israel and the Second Coming of Christ, which I do not fully understand, I will bomb Iran at the first signs of them building a nuclear reactor, or anything that resembles a corn silo like I saw while in Iowa.

Also…Under a Santorum Administration, Flag Burning, Bestiality, Amorous Hand-Shaking, Drinking, and giving YOUR money to black people in order to make them more comfortable will be prohibited.

Other than that, feel free to be yourselves.

Oh, one other thing…When I name Newt Gingrich my Consort-in-Chief, don’t laugh.  He has a very thin skin, and he can go ballistic.

Somewhere, Benjamin Disraeli and Edmund Burke are crying...Not to mention fellow Catholic, Jack Kennedy...

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email:   neshobdude@yahoo.com
twitter:  mattmaniws

Iowa Caucus 2012: Children of the Corn Go A' Votin'

Welcome to Iowa everybody!!

This is IWS political news babe, Shannyn Jannsyn coming to you from the Hawkeye State, as the long awaited, first in the nation, Iowa Caucuses are finally here.

The GOP Presidential candidates have been talking and talking for months, but as everyday Iowans head to the caucus rooms tonight, we at IWS want to know what issues weigh upon the minds of Iowa Caucus goers.

I interviewed dozens of definite caucus attendees this morning at the Drake Diner here in Des Moines, and here are a few samplings of what matters most to those who will be helping to determine to course of the 2012 Presidential election…


Vern Husk…

I want to know where the candidates stand on farm subsidies. I would be in a real bind if subsidies are cut. The government has been paying me to not grow corn for so long, I don’t reckon I could remember how to grow it if had to. Do I till? Do I no-till? When’s the best time to plant?

That’s a lot of re-learnin’, and I haven’t been very nimble in my attic ev’ry since ‘79 when my cousin Eustis whacked me upside the think melon with a Crafstman hoe.

Martha Silk…

All of the candidates have droned on and on about how they will keep illegal Mexicans out of our country. Not one of them says a damn word about keeping the illegal blacks, Jews, and Canadians out of here. Oh Dear God, the Canadians!!

Eli Onthecob…

My biggest concern is that I’m going to wake up one morning and the government has completely taken over. Why just this past summer they opened a “municipal” swimming pool in Council Bluffs and this fall the Health Department was doling out free “flu shots.” Where does it end? And let me ask this…what exactly was in them “flu shots?”

Major Kernel…

As a small business owner and well-respected Christian member of my community, I am concerned about this trend of our kids having no work ethic and listening to that crazy rock ‘n’ roll music. Sure, Buddy Holly’s plane may have crashed over in Clear Lake back in 1959, but that devil music never died.

Helen Fritter…

Oh my, I really wish someone would put up a traffic light at the intersection at Maple St. and Wayne Ave. Ever since that Maid-Rite franchise opened, it’s been nothing but chaos. Somebody is going to get hurt…or worse!!

Succotash Jones…

Being one of seventeen black people in Iowa, I want someone to open a decent southern style restaurant. I snuck up here shortly after the Dred Scott decision and while I love my freedom, I really miss well-done collard greens, fine fricasseed chicken, and most of all, po’boy sammiches.

Lawdy yes…I’d almost go back to work on the plantation for a good ol’ po’boy sammich…or a muffaletta…Yeah, I digs them too.

And there you have it guys. The important issues that will be driving the debate during tonight’s Iowa caucuses…or is that caucii? Anyhoo…

This is Shannyn Jannsyn reporting from the Drake Diner in Des Moines, Iowa. Here’s to a Happy Caucus, and remember…don’t commit prematurely.

e-mail: neshobadude@yahoo.com
twitter:  @mattmaniws

God Is an Oversexed, Freak Flag Flying Liberal

There have been several GOP Presidential debates thus far, and I have watched and listened to most of the oratorical-political sparring that has taken place between Romney, Cain, Perry, Bachmann and the other Republican hopefuls.

I must say…

This gaggle of goo-heads may be the most moronic group of folks assembled since the last Motley Crue reunion tour, however…

I don’t think this because of their stances or lack of stances on issues such as economics or foreign affairs. No my friends, it’s their stances on social issues and how they relate them and justify them to their faith and belief in God. And…

They get the God is a social conservative shit so damn wrong. Listen to me folks…

God is one whacked-out pervert, who has flexed his supernatural sinew of slutdom and unfurled his omin-formidable, free love freak flag throughout history.

Now dig it…

What’s one of the first things God did? He created Adam. And shortly after that? He created Eve. And how did he create Eve?

He used one of Adam’s ribs…Hmmmmm. To me that sounds like some serious supernatural, anti-Christian cloning and rib-cell research. It also begs the following hypothesis…

When Adam lay down and had sex with Eve, wasn’t he really having sex with himself? In fact, since Adam’s sexcapdes with his clone were directed by God, wasn’t God saying to Adam:

“Adam, go fuck yourself.”

And then later on, God while in the process of destroying the city of Sodom realizes he is going to need to re-populate the place when the carnage is over, so what does he do?

Instead of introducing a nice young couple to become man and wife and make some babies, he chooses old man Lot and his two daughters. The daughters ply Lot with Manischewitz and engage in a sexfest of Biblical proportions. All the while, Lot can be heard screaming:

“Who’s your daddy?”

Ha…Drunkeness and an incestuous three-way…It’s like a Russ Meyer flick. God is one uber-cool sick fuck.

And then we advanced to the times of King David. Ah yes, David…The mighty warrior and future King who smited Goliath, and built a Jewish empire under the watchful eye of God. Uh-huh…

When David wasn’t toppling giants or crushing the armies of his enemies, he was writing psalms and hanging out with Saul’s son Jonathan playing Crouching Hebrew, Hidden Latke.

Oh yeahhhhhh, David was as queer as a square bagel. And, God dug him.

And then, we have the story of Mary…Holy Cow!!

God decides he wants a son, so he impregnates another man’s wife by raping her via supernatural in vitro fertilization and today we celebrate that illicit action with twinkling lights, Christmas carols, and gift cards to Target.

Gimme a break you GOP Presidential candidates…

You may say you are a God-fearing Christian with a deep belief in the Almighty, but c’mon…the God you choose to believe in and with whom you claim to have a personal relationship, is not the same God I know.

My God among other wacky things, is a huge fan of cloning, auto-erotic sex acts, homosexuality, sex out of wedlock, unnatural child birth, and coining offensive phrases that are still in use today.

On top of that, he has houses of worship built in his honor and has other people foot the bill, all the while getting a Goddamn tax-exempt status!!

Man…if all that doesn’t add up to the definition of a free love, freak flag waving Liberal, I don’t know what does, and you my Fundamentalist GOP friends need to stop waving the Bible and actually give it a read.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Herman Cain Sexual Harassment Charges: A Victim of High-Tech Wenching Lynching

Hi, and 9-9-9 to you'se all…

GOP Presidential hopeful Herman Cain here to give you the 4-1-1 on reports that I sexually harassed a couple of ho’s while I was top dawg of the National Restaurant Association in 1998.

Now listen, I didn’t harass nobody.

If I said something such as…

“Hey Uz-Beki-Beki, let’s get together and have some sexy-sexy.” or…

“Yo Deep Dish, come up to my hotel room, and I’ll show you my, 9-9-9.”…or

“Pan down Chippy, you’re in the restaurant biz; so serve me. I’m Herman Cain, Bitch!!”,

To all of you'se sleazy ho-bags, and Herman-Haters...

I'm tellin' you'se, that weren’t a case of me harassin’; it was just another instance of Herman being Herman. Shit.

And lookit…

I am a married man.  I am a deeply religious man. I am a man who lives by the Word of God, AND…have been recorded singing Old Rugged Cross and negro type spirituals.

Do I sound like the type of man who would go all Nebucannever on folks, piss all over the Holy Baby Jesus, and get all up in the ass of a woman who wasn't matrimonialized to me? 

Word.

Hell…If you'se want to get superficial wif it, do I even LOOK like a sexual harasser?

Does my Chief Adviser, Mark Block look like a harasser?

Uh-huh, I don't think so…Go preach that fact about Herman to the mainstream media…and while you’re at it, preach it to your mama…especially if your mama be livin' in Iowa n' shit.

You know? I find it ironical, that this story broke on October 31st.

No, not because of Halloween, but because on October 31, 1517, Martin Luther protested against the salaciousness and indulgences of the Catholic Church by nailing his almost legible 95 Theses to a telephone pole.

An today, my friends...I am those 95 Theses that were nailed to the telephone pole, lo those many years ago.

I am The Political Reformation, and much like the parchment that Luther wrote upon, I have been slandered and am left bleeding on a telephone pole…or was it a May Pole? Maybe I am merely bleeding in the polls. Fuck.

But let me tell you'se all, don't abandon THE Herman Cain during these dark times or you could end up with this freak show as your GOP nominee...

What the hell was that?  Did someone stick a douche full of vinegar and stupid juice up Rick Perry's ass before he gave that speech in New Hampshire this past weekend?  

Lord Almighty, that is one fucked up honkie.  Amen, and True Dat!!

Anyways…Let me justify, testify, and delegitimize these allamagations and put your minds to rest…

These reported charges of my libido going all atomic wif these chicks are unfounded. Listen…

These chicks were given a goodly sum of money to shut their pie holes and walk away after their outrageous charges of me soliciting them in an improper manner.

Lord Almighty, if I had truly solicited those ho’s, it would have been those human mattresses paying ME off.

After all…

I’m Herman Cain, Bitches…and I gots the 9-9-9. Peace Out.

If you’d like to offer moral support, and/or donate to the Herman Cain 2012 campaign, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Chris Christie for President 2012

Ummmmm settle down, and listen up…Gov. Chris Christie here.

I have a huge announcement to make, and Matt-Man convinced me to use the incredibly wide expanse of the I’m With Stupid media empire from which to make it.

I agreed, because Matt-Man, Jayman, and the staff of I’m With Stupid are not the types to slovenly devour people with cheap shots by throwing out seemingly delicious red meat to the masses. So here I go…

The calls for me to run for the GOP Presidential nomination have swollen to the point where the weight and gravity of the cries for my candidacy, have convinced me to finally step up once again, to the plate.

My friends, I am doing it.  I am putting my skin into the game and will be walking semi-briskly for the office of President of the United States of America.

Look at the menu of candidates from which we Republicans have to choose.  I get a better line-up of choices at the Denny’s in East Brunswick.

Bachmann?  Her intellect is thinner than the, “Great Chefs of Ireland Cookbook.”
 

Herman Cain?  Ha, Godfather’s Pizza genius prefers deep dish pizza.  We’ve had enough of Chicago style politics under Obama; we don’t need Chicago style pizza under Cain.

Boy Toy Rick Perry is a shit-ka-bob.

Romney and Santorum are as exciting as broccoli.  Ron Paul’s mind is like goulash.  Newt Gingrich always leave you hungry for something else, and Jon Huntsman…um…c’mon, he’s a glass of skim milk.

See what I’m saying? The current field of Republican candidates blows more than a Jersey girl.  My party needs me.

My country needs me.

Democrats…Republicans…all politicians in Washington are interested only in reelection, while ignoring the 800 pound gorilla in the living room of our nation…Economy and Jobs.

My friends, I want to be that 800 pound gorilla.  

I want to jump up and down, rattle some cages, turn the White House into 1600 I Don’t Give A Fuck About Your Reelection Avenue, and rebuild the breadbasket of America into a gourmet bakery full of delicious smells of success and cupcakes heavily frosted with prosperity.

Believe me.  I can almost feel your pain, and I want to help you.

I know that you and your families are doing without and pinching every penny.  If elected…

I will make sure I cut out the fat and tighten the belt on the out of control pork fest that is taking place in D.C.

Unlike me, our current leaders and politicians are nothing more than line cutters at The Old Country Buffet, feeding their faces with the fresh Salisbury steak and still steamy mashed potatoes, while you are left with nothing but cold peas and hard toast.

If elected, I will make sure that you will be first in line enjoying hot gravy and beef tips while the career politicians are gnawing on cold broth and gristle.

I want to thank I’m With Stupid for allowing this perfectly seasoned political discourse by me without taking any cheap shots. 

I’ll be having Matt-Man and Jayman over for manicotti soon, and if you’d like to help me out please contact Matt-Man at:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Gov. Chris Christie

Herman Cain 2012: Pillsbury Ghedough Boy

Help me lift that old rugged cross.  Shed that precious blood with me.  Come out of the political wilderness and with me, bathe in the amazing grace.

Praise Jesus my friends, and Halleluiah to the Republican voters of  the Sunshine State…

I am Herman Cain, and I won the GOP Florida Straw Poll this past Saturday, Amen my brothers and sisters…Amen.

I have been running for the GOP Presidential nomination for months now, and yet after several debates and Saturday’s huge win some of you may be unfamiliar with me.  

To some of you, I am like one of those old negro spirituals you’ve heard sometime, somewhere, but you don’t know why or where. Allow me, Herman Cain, to introduce myself to you, the deeply intellectual readers of I’m with Stupid.

At my root and core, I am a mixture of Steve Forbes, Chef Boyardee, and Rick James.  In other words…

“Bring on the flat tax, condividere la pizza del successo, ‘cause I’m Herman Cain, Bitch!!”

Many people learned just that about me at last Thursday’s GOP Debate, I was wild and the others were mild.

While, as Brit Hume said, “Perry really threw up all over himself.”, Michele Bachmann talked about the health of potentially cancerous cooters of pre-teen girls, and Ron Paul stared wildly into the camera while adjusting that hair hat some bitch sewed to his misshapen head, I, Herman Cain, was shining…

I was shining like the black light of common sense upon the canvas of the psychedelic 70’s poster that is the Tea Party.  I was rockin’ da hizzy, and electrifying the electorate.

The only ones not excited about my performance were Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman.  Me being a black man with the name, Cain, those two Mormons were looking at me like I was the one who killed Abel.  I don’t know what that means, but Matt-Man thought it would be funny.

Anyways…

Let me say…I am not a politician; I am a problem solver, and all problem solving skills can go back to the making of a pizza.  Fortunately, I used to be CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, so I have the skill set to make America the great 16” deluxe pie it once was.

Obama has spent three years making economic crazy bread, which only proves that Kenyan Muslims don’t know shit about making pizza.  That wouldn’t happen in a Muslim-Free Herman Cain Administration.  

I’d be spreading my sauce, cutting my cheese, loading my meat, and delivering a delicious economy to you in thirty minutes or less.

And the deliciousness of my economy pie all goes back to the dough.  How so, you ask?  Allow me to asplain…

I don’t care how hard one works the dough of the economy.  How diligently one works the dough, coddles the dough, loooooves the dough.  Much like the economy, no matter how much attention one gives the dough, it won’t rise without that one special ingredient.

Yeast.

My friends, I Herman Cain, want to be your Commander-in-Yeast.
I want to infect the economic machine that is America with a yeast infection so widespread and virulent, that nothing and no one can cure it.

America has been going hungry for a long time my friends, and she wants to eat.  It’s time to dial up the Pizza Man.

It’s time to dial up Herman Cain 2012.  Yeast at last, yeast at last…Thank God Almighty, we have yeast at last!!

Your contribution to the Herman Cain 2012 campaign can be sent to:

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

And while you’re making it out, please listen to Jayman and Matt-Man doing Saturday’s Big Gay Show on Blog Talk Radio…

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Donald Trump 2012: A Full Table and an Empty Suit

I have been a bit miffed of late.

Donald Trump has had dinner with Sarah Palin, Rick Perry, and now plans to have eats with Mitt Romney next Monday. I started thinking to myself…

Sure, the people with whom he has broken bread want to be President, but doggone it, so do I…Why shouldn’t he sit down and throw some groceries back with me, so…

I called The Donald and told him just that, and to my surprise, he said to me…

“Let’s eat, Matt-Man…and because I’m The Donald, it’s on me.”

I asked him where he wanted to hook up and he replied that since I was renown for being a lover of the burger, and he is kinda like royalty, we’d meet at White Castle.

In fact he said, “The King can delight in watching his serf feast upon the golden sliders he has bought for him.”

Whatever, and anyhoo…

The Donald and I met over sliders last night, and frankly, the guy is a real jerk, but I had questions.

I of course asked him why, when he met with Palin, he ate pizza with a fork, and he responded…

“Have you seen the hairy, oily dagos who make that shit? Getting a rogue, hairy anchovy on my slice would be bad enough, but I don’t want listeria or Neapolitan Measles from it because wunderkind, Giuseppe coughed on it. The fork is my radar.”

Ah I said, and then asked him what he thinks of Rick Perry…

“Jim’s a great guy.”, he responded. “Jim Perry could lead this nation back down a road to greatness, as soon as he realizes that roads need a government to build them…and maintain them…and plow the snow off of them.”

I said to Trump, “I noticed you called him Jim instead of Rick again…Is there a reason for that?”

The Donald, swayed the fork with which he was eating his sliders and onion rings back and forth, and responded…

“Rick…Jim…Mitt…Sarah…It makes me no never mind…I don’t give a shit about those fucks. I’m all about The Donald, and branding. If I have to buy them an expensive dinner to stay topical, so be it. It may cost me in the short term, but hell, it’s not like I can’t go bankrupt again. FOX and NBC will still pay me”

And with that, I recognized the genius behind the fucked up hair, the braggadocio, the frightened little pseudo-genius, and attention seeking man-whore he is, but seriously…

He shouldn’t talk with a mouthful of sliders, onion rings, and the ice cream scoop of mashed potatoes that he pulled from the pocket of his Versace suit.

It was disgusting.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Rick Perry for President 2012

Hi y’all and youzzins, Governor Rick Perry of Texas here, and Ima runnin’ for President. Dint see that comin’ did ya?

Well I did…and I knew I was gunna run for some weeks. I just dint want them other Republican Presidential wannabes know that this Lone Star State Stallion was about to kick their electoral heads in.

Listen my friends, I am all about America…I am the embodiment of the greatest of America…

I am America.

Growing up, I was moved and inspired by reading about the early Presidents of this great nation.

Historical accounts of Presidents George Washington, Sam Houston, and Jefferson Davis fueled my desire to achieve the greatness that I knew existed within my bein’.

After graduatin’ from Texas A&M with a degree in Animal Science, a career in the Air Force, I became a legislator and later Governor of Texas, but…I wasn’t fulfilled. Sumpin’ was missin’.

And then my friends in Christ, the greatest President of all spoke to me from afar.

It was GAWD, and he asked me to run for President…he called me to run…he chose me to run.

And so, on His word, I am.

Our nation is livin’ in the end times my friends. People goin’ hungry…Precious babies without health insurance…Regressive taxes, and an insufferable number of teens without a High School diploma.

I oughta know, because under my command, the Great Republic of Texas leads the nation in most of those things. Can I get a, WOOP WOOP…Texas Number ONE, my friends.

Texas also leads the nation in creatin’ new jobs. Damn right. While the rest of the country is bleedin’ jobs to foreigners, I have been importin’ jobs.

Just ask states like Wisconsin, Ohio, Massachusetts, and New York. Your jobs aint goin’ to Mexico; they’re comin’ to Texas, you Yankee bastards. Yeee Haww…Texas Number ONE, again, my friends!!

I’ve created a situation where Texas is “business-friendly”. Union shops? No. Entitlements to Health Care? No. Cheap labor from Mexico? Hell Yes!! But don’t take that the wrong way…

Some, especially on the right, claim that I waffle and am soft on the issue of illegal immigration. Those ass hat rodeo clowns who say that, are namby pamby, Michelle Bachmann pussies.

The reason I am in favor of less restrictive borders with Mexico, is so I can accomplish something that the Mexicans and their government have never been able to accomplish…

To at long last, draw the infamous Devil-Beast, Chupacabra into the open and shoot the hell out of his ass.

Come across the border Mr. Chupacabra and watch ol’ President Rick Perry put a shit load of lead into your Godless goat suckin’ head!! Boo Yah and hand me my Winchester!!

Anyhoo, my fellow Christian Americans…When I go in, I go ALL in, so take me as I am and know that I am the chosen one.

And to Michelle Bachmann, you can be me running mate anytime babe. Sure, Mitt Romney has better hair than you, but I hear he doesn’t swallow.

For I’m With Stupid, this is your next President, Rick Perry sayin’…

God Bless America, and bring me the head of the Chupacabra.

Yours in Christ,

Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX)

Michele Bachmann 2012

Today June 27^th, 2011...A date that will be seared into the minds of all God Fearing Americans, will be the day remembered as the time when Americans, much like the Jews under Pharaoh, were delivered from the yoke of oppression.

Today, dressed in a silver, form fitting, curve hugging, Buck Rogers type suit, Michele Bachmann announced to the world from her bucolic hometown of Waterloo, IA., that…

Michele Bachmann wants to, and will be, the next President of the United States.

Jayman and I cheered…Tea Baggers steeped with excitement, and…Sarah Palin and Tim Pawlenty both curled up into fetal positions, and cried.

Mitt Romney?

He spent the day fixing his hair, learned how to drive a combine, and wrote a thirty second ad about how much he loves the State of Florida.

Words cannot adequately express my joy about the candidacy of Michele so I offer you some pictures:

IWS had a stellar show (and thanks to those of you who made it) today on Blog Talk Radio on this very subject, and you can catch it all right here…

Here’s to Michele Bachmann…Here’s to America!!
Cheers!!

 --Matt-Man