Everything Just Sucks

Hola y’all. You know, back in the day, like a month or so ago, I was a pretty positive person. No matter how bad things looked or seemed, I always just felt like we would all muddle through and things would improve and eventually be okay. Those days are over though.

Everything sucks and it just isn’t going to get any better. We’re in free fall and there isn’t a big air bag to land on and save us. Every single thing that happens is for the worse, not just the big stuff like bad economic numbers, college presidents, athletic directors and coaches covering a child rape scandal or mass shootings either. Nothing is getting any better.

In a comment on the amazing Jo’s blog a couple of weeks ago I said this:

“I don't think people are running out of compassion, I just think the people without any are the ones we hear from the most.” 

Why the hell would I write such bullshit? I mean, it’s quite obviously not true. People in general are way less compassionate then they used to be. I guess maybe I was just trying to be positive and pretend like we’re not going to shit as a people. And worse than that, most people seem to be bragging about their lack of compassion, not to mention bragging about being shitty family members, shitty friends, shitty parents and just shitty all-around people. Being shitty is suddenly something to be proud of.

President Obama may not lack compassion, but he does look as though he is fairly comfortable with unemployment above 8% and poverty rates near record levels for the foreseeable future. Oh yeah, I forgot, it’s ALL the other side’s fault. Speaking of the other side, Mitt Romney, a man who lies with every breath he takes, doesn’t even try to hide is contempt and hatred for those “regular Americans.” You know, the people Sarah Palin claims to represent.

And wasn’t it special seeing America’s White Trash Sweetheart’s three year old grandson call his Aunt a “Faggot” on Bristol Palin’s reality show? Yes, yes it was. What’s that? Oh, Bristol insists that Tripp didn’t say “Faggot” but instead said “Fuck it,” and that she’s not “proud” of what he said. That’s makes it all okay. Also, Bristol is apparently unaware of this new invention in the entertainment industry called “editing” where they take things you’re not “proud” of out of the final product.

Of course how you feel about all that depends on the political party you are a member of. Everyone must go to their favorite partisan blogs to find out how they feel about Tripp Palin’s potty mouth and everything else in the world. EVERY-THING from politics to sports to movies, to television to music to books to anything else you can think of can only be discussed in partisan political terms. There are two extreme positions to choose from, white or black and that’s it. No gray areas allowed.

We don’t need context for Obama’s “you didn’t build that” comment or Ann Romney’s “you people” line. We know what they meant. They meant what we desperately wanted them to mean and it confirms our dislike of them and makes us feel better about our views. Any evidence that we’re wrong is met with anger. We will not tolerate having our world view challenged.

But, don’t worry y’all. All summer long President Obama and Mitt Romney will keep telling us that we’re all exceptional just by virtue of being Americans. So, at least we’ve got that going for us.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Matt Said, Jay Said XLVII

Matt talksecundum…Jay talksecundum…You, listencadabra.

Matt:  Howdy Mr. Man.

Jay:  What’s going on?
Matt:  Schmoop just got done watching the finale of Charmed.  She had never seen the end the first go ‘round.
Jay:  Charmed, eh?  I’d like to charm Alyssa Milano, mmmmmmm.
Matt:  I’m more of a Holly Marie-Combs kinda guy.
Jay:  Pussy.

Matt:  So…Oh shit…The funniest thing just happened.
Jay:  What?  Mitt Romney actually took an unwavering position on something?
Matt:  Ha. No.  Because Schmoop was watching Chramed, I went across the street to take pictures of the weeds growing at the abandoned hospital.
Jay:  Ha!!  That is wacky!!  Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
Matt:  Shuddup…There’s this red-headed, Glock carrying Security chick standing guard, and she told me to quit taking pictures.
Jay:  Was she hot?
Matt:  No, she’s like 58, smokes Lucky Strikes, and may or may not have been born in Bulgaria.

Jay:  Nope…that’s not hot.
Matt:  Anyhoo, she said, “I don’t like you taking pictures.  Taking pictures could get you shot.”
Jay:  Ha…No shit, really?
Matt:  Ha…Yes!!
Jay:  We should have her on the show.
Matt:  IKR?  But anyway after a brief exchange and a few more pictures, I said to her, “Go to Hell, asshole.”
Jay:  Incredible, and this all happened because you didn’t want to watch Charmed with Schmoop?
Matt:  Yep…Serendipity Jayman…serendipity.

Jay:  You need to write about this for Monday’s post.
Matt:  Oh I will, and because of the power of IWS, those weeds will be gotten rid of.
Jay:  We do nothing but good.
Matt:  Damn straight.
Jay:  Aight…I guess I’ll talk to you later on Twitter.
Matt:  Dam right you will…Have a good one Jayman.
Jay:  You too…bye.

(moments later the phone rings)

Matt:  Yo Dawg!!

Jay:  We forgot to talk about what we are going to talk about on Sunday’s show.
Matt:  Oh shit…we did, didn’t we?
Jay:  How about we do a weather show and talk about the weather; we always talk about it when we open any show anyway.
Matt:  Good idea.
Jay:  I think we are ready.
Matt:  I believe you are right.
Jay and Matt:  The Weather Show This Sunday!!
Jay:  Later.
Matt: Later.

So there you have it this Sunday on IWS Jayman and I will be talking weather as only we can, which means of course, we will make it dirty.

You can join us live Sunday at Noon ET on Blog Talk Radio, for the IWS Is It Hot Enough for Ya radio installment by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

Mitt Romney 2012: K's Hamburger Shop in Troy, OH. Here We Come!!

Happy Hump Day Chuckleheads!!

I am on cloud nine today, because I found out that this Sunday June 17th, Fathers’ Day no less, GOP Presidential nominee Mitt Romney will be visiting the greater Bagwine, Ohio area during his Every Town Counts bus tour.

Yes indeed my friends, Mitt Romney will be stopping in Troy, OH. this Sunday to meet and greet regular type folk at K’s Hamburger Shop in Troy, which, conveniently, is located but a mere 25 minutes west of the palatial digs here in Bagwine, OH.

I can’t wait to see Mitt up close, personal, and raw as both sides of his mouth envelop a greasy, handmade burger, topped with cheese, lettuce, pickle, mayo, and mustard and carefully and artfully placed lovingly within the inviting confines of a warm, soft bun.

He will look like one of us…So real, so open, so blue-collar and with a twinkle in his eye as he wipes the grease from his honest lips with a linen napkin that his staff provided, and overcome by the new experience, Romney will say in a non-threatening, yet for him, a quasi-effervescent sorta way…

“Was that really ground beef that I just appropriated into my body?  I have never had ground beef in my life, but as they say…when in Troy, do like the Trojans!!”

The men will cheer…the boys will shout…the ladies they will all come out, and we’ll all be gay when Romney comes munching home.

Hell, even his traveling campaign partners in crime will cave to the emotion of the moment.  House Speaker John Boehner will sob out of sheer joy, and the always effusive and ebullient Sen. Rob Portman will nearly smirk in delight.

And what will I do, when I see that the aforementioned description actually never happens due to the fact that all the folks referenced in my brief piece of uber-fiction are truly boring as Hell?

I’m going after Romney.  Why you ask?

Because Romney has no soul, no passion, no big ideas other than becoming President because he, “wants to.”

Most importantly, I find him insufferable because he has no sense of humor.  I could never vote for anyone who lacks a sense of humor, and Romney?  The man wouldn’t recognize a punchline if he hizzelf was the damn punchline.

However, I, being a zeitgeist of vast philanthropic concern, I am going to help Mitt Romney by attacking him in a profoundly personal and physical way.

The Mittster is going down at K’s Hamburger Shop in Troy, OH. on Sunday June 17th at the hands, or rather, the handshake of the Matt-Man.

Damn right folks.

I am going to squeeze through the line of turgid, Protestant, grain-fed, gawking Miami County Republicans, sneak past his less than attentive Secret Service detail, wade through the sea of Boehner’s tears, glide past the empty stare of Sen. Portman,  and then I will shake the hand of one mild manner Mitt Romney, and say unto his sapless self…

“I’m Matt-Man Bitch, and now?  So…Are…You.”

And with those words and our handshake, part of my wild and carefree personality will be transferred to Mitt through a little-known process that only I posses…a process known as, Transdermal Personality Enhancement.

Don’t believe me?  Ha!!  Wait and see folks, in fact…

When you are watching TV after June 17th, all of Mitt Romney’s new campaign ads will end with the Mittster saying this…

“I’m Mitt Romney Bitch, and I approved this motherfucking message.”

Republican, Democrat, or Swedish Nazi, it matters not to me.  I am merely here to help all of mankind and I feel that Mitt should have the opportunity to experience the excitement of having a personality before he dies.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

IWS Babe of the Week...It's Raining Men

It’s Sunday , so it’s IWS Babe of the Week Day, however…

We’re changing it up a bit and giving the ladies a little eye candy this Sunday, because on today’s IWS radio show at Noon ET, Matt-Man and Jayman will be asking:

“What Do Women Want?”

Perhaps some of you women enjoy refined, dignified, and more than slightly experienced uber-men like Sean Connery…

Or, perhaps some women go all 180 and prefer a pretty little, wo-man-teen-boy like Justin Bieber…

Then again…

Maybe you like a sense of humor, so you opt for a caring, yet funny man, like Chris Rock…

Or these two funny guys…

Some women, like many men, are turned on by scholarly types, like Stephen Hawking…

Or of course, America’s Libertarian genius, Glenn Beck…

Some women, shallowly like to hear whatever they want, and in that case, Mitt Romney is a fine choice…

Of course, some women like the bad boy types and want to hang out with sexy criminals who are trying to destroy America, like this foreign-born terrorist…

Then again, some women just want plain, down to Earth, sexy like George Clooney…

What’s not to like?  He’s cool.

But in order to find out what women truly want in a man, you need to join us live on IWS Radio today at Noon ET, as Matt and Jay ask, “What Do Women Want?”

It’s gonna be a huge show, so ladies…you better have your Glenn Beck/Stephen Hawking loving asses listening and calling in at 661.244.9852, and tell us what you want.

Until today at Noon ET…

Cheers!!
.

Matt Said...Jay Said XL

Matt titkellem ... Jay titkellem; inti tisma.

(via Twitter)

Jay:  No show prep phone call this week…all of my family is coming in for a big reunion this weekend.
Matt:  Uh-huh…Are you sure that’s all that is going on here?
Jay:  Yeah, why?
Matt:  Perhaps you are really avoiding our weekly call because you are cracking wise with somebody else?
Jay:  No.  I swear.
Matt:  Okay.
Jay:  How could I do that to you and your fragile ego?
Matt:  Damn right, wait…wh--

Jay:  Anyhoo.  Since I’ll be tied up with family all weekend, we need to do a show that requires very little show prep.
Matt:  The Many Sides of Mitt Romney?
Jay:  Ha…that would take forever with all the sides he has, has had, and will have.
Matt:  True.
Jay:  How about The Rachel Maddow Show…Love Her or Hate Her?
Matt:  TOO easy.
Jay and Matt:  HATE HER!!

Matt:  Memorial Day Weekend is this weekend.  We could do something on that.
Jay:  We could kick-off the unofficial start to summer with hot weather tips and shit.
Matt:  Cool.  We could do grilling and cookout tips.
Jay:  Since I will be in the midst of one, talk about family reunions.
Matt:  Indeed…We could talk about the scantily clad women in their summer fashions.
Jay:  Which you see even more of at typical vacation destinations.

Matt:  I think we’re set.
Jay:  Oh I know we are.
Matt:  Hey?
Jay:  What?

Matt:  Did you say that you are holding your big family reunion in Yellville, AR?
Jay:  Yeah why?
Matt:  That’s not a real city is it?
Jay:  Well, it’s not a city; it’s tiny, but that is the official name of the burg in which my family and I will be partying away.
Matt:  Ha…That’s funny.
Jay:  Oh it’s a cool little place.  You should bring Schmoop down sometime for the annual Turkey Trot Festival.  Bring the wife and kid too.
Matt:  Oh you’re a funny fucker, aren’t ya?
Jay:  Hee Hee.  Sometimes.

Matt:  Okay.  I think we’re good to go.  See you on IWS Radio this Sunday at Noon ET, Jayman.
Jay:  We’ll be kicking off summer through the goal posts of life.
Matt:  True Dat.

SEIU District 1199...Your Principles Have Gone On Strike!!

I was bored late yesterday afternoon, and decided to take a journey through the tubes of the internets in order to catch up on the people, places, and things that I haven’t been in touch with for awhile.

I started out with a search for Steel Reserve (their site still sucks), then I went to an image search of footlong coney dogs (my drool exploded), and then…

I  went to the website of an organization for whom I last worked some ten years ago.

SEIU District 1199 WV/KY/OH

I worked as an Administrative Organizer (i.e. Staff Rep), and briefly as Political Director for SEIU District 1199 between January 1998 through roughly, May of 2002.  Four and a half years, and let me tell you…

While those years were at times, the best and most challenging four and half years of my life, they also became the worst, and bringing up the SEIU 1199 website last night, put a post facto exclamation point on that experiential palpability.

Toward the end of my brief career with SEIU, I could see it morphing into something foreign to me…

Something it hadn’t been when I had climbed on board in order to fight for worker justice and help to raise the standard of living for working men and women back in 1998.

When I started it was all about the workers.  The local didn’t care if a rep worked 80 hours a week, drove 1,000 miles a week, and ate nothing but Speedway hot dogs while on the road for days at a time…the workers came first.

And, that is how it should be, and was…from the President of the Local on down to men and women like me. The field organizers, the staff reps, and the office staff, because as it should be, the workers come first.

Photo ops, interviews, and even the SEIU 1199 website was to have the workers out in front, to take the lead, to represent SEIU, because they are the Union.  And, that’s how it was.

However…last night during my boredom induced search that led me to the SEIU 1199 website, I felt not nearly as shocked as I did, validated, when the homepage opened showing this…

Indeed, Becky Williams the President of SEIU/1199 in all her Glamour Shots glory appears on the homepage where workers used to appear.  And…it introduces a special message that she has for one GOP Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney.

Her message states that Romney doesn’t care about auto workers in Ohio.  That he has no sense of what it is like to be a working man or woman.  That he cares nothing about the middle class, and that he worked with Gov. Kasich to pass SB 5 which would have taken away the rights of workers to bargain collectively in the State of Ohio.

All of those things are true, well except the Senate Bill 5 thing, (Being Romney, he could never decide day to day which side of that bill he was on), but other than that, what Williams’ says in her Presidential diatribe are in most workers and my opinion, true.  However…

The message given with Miss Williams appearing first and foremost, is as corporate and as top down as Apple, Bain Capital, and Goldman Sachs.

And that my friends, is why I left…because I could see the corporatization of a hard working, bottom up, SEIU Local coming years ago.

While we had a large, open, and democratic Executive Board made up of working members, we as organizers were told to make them vote this way or that on every issue from political endorsements to dues increases.

But, democracy never looked so good.  Farces are sometimes, very pretty.

And, let me tell you…Union Presidents are very pretty as well, sometimes.  During the lead up to the SB 5 Bill vote last year, I saw an interview with Becky Williams on WSYX-TV 6 discussing the measure and her disdain for Gov. Kasich.

If you watch the interview, specifically at 26 seconds in, look at her nails.  Yes, her fingernails.  See how nice they are?  Finely French manicured.  Silly, you say, Matt-Man?

I don’t think so.  The picture on the website and nails of one, Becky Williams represent, at least optically, what is wrong with SEIU District 1199.

SEIU/District 1199 has become a corporation.  A feeding frenzy of union “executives” feasting upon an Animal Farm and will do whatever it takes to keep their membership dues coming in, in spite of the workers they once served without hesitation.

But really, is that so bad?  Or should I say, is that so different than American companies putting profit over American jobs by sending everything overseas?

No.

It’s all the same.

The Union Organizer wants your signature in order to get your dues money.  The corporation wants your job in order to boost profits, and the politician wants your vote in order to get re-elected, and collect kickbacks from both entities.

Who stands up for you?  You say no one?  Well, you are wrong…

Millions of people stand up with you and for you, and with me as well because we are the ones drowning…we need to realize that, and once we do realize that we are in the same leaky boat, we can bail out the trash that is sinking us.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

On a happier note....Jayman and I did a helluva tribute to mothers yesterday on the IWS Mothers Day Radio Show.  We talked good moms, bad moms, hot moms, and dead moms.  Annnnnd, much , much more, so give a listen to it early and often, our ratings would appreciate it....

Hilary Rosen Attacks Ann Romney

Hola stay at home and working mommies and the people who love them! By now you’ve probably all heard of the truly outrageous and despicable things that Hilary Rosen said about the sweet, loving and all around wonderful Ann Romney. No? Well, basically Hilary got loose and ended up saying “Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life.”

OH SNAP! It’s on now bitch!

Of all the woman-on-woman crimes that happen in the world, and they happen A LOT, the one I truly hate the most is the stay at home wife/mom vs the working wife/mom. There might be no greater waste of time and energy than this battle. Mostly it pisses me off because once again, for a country full of people who want to be left alone to live their lives, we all sure do love to tell everyone else how to live there’s.

But, more importantly, Hilary’s criticisms off Ann are completely unfair and wayyyyy off base. While it’s true that Ann might not have held a job outside of the house, that doesn’t mean she hasn’t ever had an important job. This is where people like Hilary will never understand people like Anne.

First of all, being Mitt Romney’s wife is definitely a fulltime job. Just taking care of Mitt would be a fulltime job for most people. Every night Ann has to download all of the day’s events and activities from Mitt’s CPU and go through the shutdown procedures. THEN, the next morning, she has to start him back up, make sure all his circuits are running properly and upload the day’s schedule, speeches, off the cuff remarks, awkward jokes and whatever else. After that, she has to run a few tests to make sure all the info has been processed and he’s ready to send out into public.

And don’t forget that Ann also doesn’t just have a household to run, she has like FIVE households to run. She’s had to keep up the family’s mansions in Massachusetts, Michigan, Utah, Washington and the little 12,000 square foot shack they’re building in California. Keeping up with staff for multiple houses plus vacation homes in Canada, France and certain Caribbean Islands known for strict bank secrecy laws is definitely hard work!

Mrs. Romney has to make sure that the staff is following her directions in each location and see to it that anyone who was fired the previous day is quickly deported. She has to monitor the landscapers and ensure that the shrubs are sculpted to resemble Ronald Reagan and Barry Goldwater in the gardens. Then she has to make the ice sculptor of Joseph Smith Jesus Christ is properly presented before each meal in the evenings.

Along with those things, Ann has to monitor the maintenance schedules of all her Cadillacs, the private jet, the family yacht, various other watercraft such as Sea-Doos and a couple of hovercraft. On top of all that she also has to go out and help Mitt run for President because she’s the only charisma that campaign has.

When someone is this busy just trying to keep up the household(s) you can see how they’ve never had a private sector job. Hell, you can even see how she wouldn’t have even known that she had a couple of Swiss bank accounts!

So, Mizzzz Rosen, as I think you understand now, you were very much out of line and unfair to Ann. Shame on you!

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Newt Gingrich's Future in the Romney Administration

Holaaaaaa! Well, our good friend and I’m With Stupid listener and reader, Newt Gingrich has once again showed us all what an unconventional candidate for president he is. He is now charging $50 for people who want their picture taken with him. You know, strippers usually only charge $25. Well, unless they’re a “feature” or porn star. Even then they usually let you grab their boobs or they grab your junk to make it fun and worth it.

Not only is Newt doing that, but he’s hinting that he might be ready to get out of the race. There’s only one catch though. He will only get out if he was offered the right position in the Romney administration. Only Newt Gingrich could finish Dead Fucking Last, be millions in debt in his campaign and then put special conditions on his getting out of the race.

So, I thought I would list a few jobs that Newt could possibly be offered:

White House Greeter:Mitt isn’t very good at dealing with regular people, but Newt is great at it! Newt is just your average every day guy and was born to be a greeter. He could put on a comfy track suit and maybe a red or blue vest with a nametag that says “Newtie” on it and greet people on behalf of the White House. Also, kids love him and will love it when he puts a little smiley sticker on their cheeks.

Valet and Car Elevator Operator: When Romney isn’t on the road campaigning and at the White House presidentin’, Newt could work as the Valet at the Romney’s La Jolla, CA mansion that is being built. Hell, the Romney’s have a big enough family that even when they aren’t entertaining big shots, they’ll need a valet. And, of course they’ll need someone to run theCAR ELEVATOR that is being installed at the new home.

Romney Administration Historian: We all know that Newt is a historian who has been paid big money to give advice to companies like Fannie Mae on historical events and stuff. So, this is basically right up his alley. Hell, they could probably even find him an office in the basement of the White House to use. He could sit down there and offer a daily recorded history of the happenings of the Romney administration. Since Newt has no problem just making shit up, you can be sure it would all be really positive, but someone will have to review his work as he tends to get a little self-aggrandizing at times.

White House Enemy Insulter and Race-Baiter: Mitt is uncomfortable being mean to people. He prefers to keep a pleasant attitude about things and be the polite gentleman that he is. Newt on the other hand doesn’t have a lot of social skills and generally just says whatever is on his mind. So, whenever President Romney is angry with someone, he could just send Newt out to belittle them and infer that the person in question is of questionable heritage and limited intellectual capabilities. And, to keep the republican base stirred up, Mitt can send Newt out to go after blacks and Hispanics with thinly veiled racists attacks. This allows Mitt to keep his image as a thoughtful and considerate man, while keeping things stirred up.

Ambassador to the Vatican: Hey, you guys let him convert, he’s yours now.

So, as you can see, there are several ways that Newt could be of use to Willard. If Willard is the brilliant tactician and businessman he always claims to be, he should make an offer to Newt and start taking advantage of Newt’s unique skillset immediately.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Eliminating People Would Make Life Easier

Hola! Welp, it was 85 degrees here today. I know that it snowed once back in January and that proves there’s no climate change or global warming or anything like that, but this is a bit extreme. In fact, it’s so warm that I had to crank up the air conditioner at the palatial estates. Unfortunately, this means that I have to make my annual trip up to the office Thursday morning.

As always, I’ll have to ask for a maintenance work order, get an eye roll from the girl working in there, and then fill it out explaining that my a/c is blowing warm air. It is out of coolant, I’m sure. This isn’t really a big deal, but why I fill out the maintenance request online? I just hate places that won’t join the 21^st Century and make me deal with other people.

Life is full of all kinds of little annoyances. In addition to the a/c in my apt needing coolant, the a/c in my car will need some soon too. It has a leak, so it needs coolant three or four times a year. Worse than that, it needs an oil change too. GOD I hate doing that.

Oh sure, all I do is drive up to Super Spiffy Fast Lube place or Walmart and have them do the dirty work, but again, it’s a hassle. First they ask me like a million questions and give me a half million options. Then, I feel like they’re judging me when I just get a basic, everyday oil change. They look at me and shake their head like “Man, I guess you don’t love your car.”

Wouldn’t be great if we could do these little things without any hassle at all? And by “hassle” I mean “dealing with people.” It would be so cool to just go online and let the Rapid Fire Quickie Lube know that my car needed an oil change. Then they would send Bubba out here who would put the car up on some jacks and change the oil and filter and add coolant without me having to do anything at all. They could then just charge my credit card. No dealing with people necessary.

I realize this is the ultimate First World Problem, but it would certainly make my life less stressful. We can already do this when we order pizza. Sure, I have to open the door for the delivery guy. And, they always want to know if I’m having a good night and blah blah blah. Small talk bores me. But, at least I can just sign the slip and tell the guy to “take it easy” and close the door.

There are some areas where people can buy their groceries that way. Oh man wouldn’t that be cool? I wonder if they would design their website so that every once in a while an image of a little old man popped up while the site buffered before loading the virtual produce isle. That way I could get the real life feel of shopping without actually having an old person in front standing in front of me blocking the canned vegetables. That would be a pretty funny feature.

Again, I would have to deal with the delivery person. And, that delivery person would probably judge me by what I bought just like the clerk at Walmart does. I swear, they always look at me like I’m some kind of freak when they scan my Great Value Swiss Rolls Snack Cakes. I know they’re not a real food product, but they’re sooooo yummy!

Well, I guess this not having to deal with people utopia will never be fully realized. At least not until I win the lottery and can afford to be a total recluse like Howard Hughes was. So, I’ll still have to get up and go deal with miss Eye Roll in the morning. But, I’ll get a small measure of revenge against her for her attitude. I won’t shower before I go up there.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

--

In other news, on Wed Matt-Man and I broke down the Mississippi and Alabama primaries and talked about how wonderful the south is on IWS. You won’t get expert analysis like this anywhere else folks.

We also unveiled our new segment “Molotov Mocktails!” Surprisingly enough, it turned out pretty damn funny. So, check it out!  

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

February Blows!!

February is perhaps the lousiest month contained within our dodecagonical timepiece we call, the calendar.

It sucks, or rather…it blooooooows.

Blows like a mutha.

February is windy.  It’s cold.  It’s gray and dull.

Windier than Chris Matthews…colder than the frozen tundra that exists between the thighs of Sarah Palin…grayer and more dull than Mitt Romney’s personality.

Other than the 7th which marks the birthday celebrations of two of the hippest people on earth, Chris Rock and yours truly, February is a life sucking, flat lining, twenty-eight day wasteland.

February has no soul, which is odd because it is also Black History Month.  You would think that a month devoted to the overblown, yet minor contributions to this nation by our black American friends would be a month that is dripping in soul.

Y’know?  A month like August.

Black History Month would be much mo’ better within the confines of August what with all the hot, steamy, days and humid, sultry nights.

With all that humidity n’ what not, we could not only talk about the contributions of black people in America, we could smell the dripping Jeri-Curl shit from off their collective ‘do while doing so.

If we held Black History Month in August, while I would still be subjected to watching Roots, The Medgar Evers Story, and reruns of Rerun from What’s Happening, the month-long torture would take place while enjoying some refreshing central air conditioning, and a burger fresh off the grill.

Seriously…If Black History Month wants to gain a foot hold among real Americans, i.e., WHITE Americans, I have a suggestion.

Anytime a TV station or network runs one of those silly, feel good, ten second long, Moments in Black History things…they could instead, simply put up a picture of MSNBC's Tamron Hall.

Like this one…

Or this one…

Yeah, if Tamron Hall was the Poster Vixen for Black History Month, February would be able to segregate itself from the rest of the months in spite of its otherwise dreariness, and ride in the front of the chronological bus to the mountain top of calendrical emancipation…

Mmmmmm, but?

February still sucks. It’s still windy, cold, gray, and dull.

At least this God-Awful month has but twenty-eight days, and today is the last one we shall see this year.

And for that, I am thankf---

Well, strip me naked and call me Ned Beatty…Beat me hard with a dildo and call me Sally…Call me Mitch Daniels and tell me not to run for President.

Matt-Man has just discovered that this year is a Leap Year, and we have an extra day in February…How typical.

Pope Gregory XIII wasn’t very gregarious when he invented his God Damn Gregorian Calendar!!  Just like when I was a neophyte altar boy lo those many years ago, the Catholics have screwed me again!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Mitt Romney: Austerity is Another Word for Paradise

Hola y’all! Mitt Romney here! I’m fresh off my spectacular victory in the Florida primary last night. I racked up 47% of the vote which is an amazing coincidence because not only have I changed my stance on 47% of the issues we’ve discussed so far, but if you use “Mitt Math” I paid 47% of my income in taxes last year. Only a truly great American such as myself would pay that much.

I just wanted to let everyone know where we go from here. And, I’ll do it while reading from notes printed out by a member of my staff like a real American would not off a teleprompter like an America-hating Christian-bashing loser would. And, I’ll do it while staying positive and not engaging in any name calling like secret Muslims who wants to destroy everything great about America would.

Don’t worry, I’ll keep this short. I’ve got my dog tied up to a fence outside with a six inch leash and it’s raining heavily. But, he can take it. And, speaking of how much I love my dog and other animals, I want to address some scurrilous things that have been said about me lately.

Chief among these is that somehow, I’m being presented as someone who looks down on people who haven’t worked hard like I have to make myself into something from nothing and are much less successful than me. Worst of all, these people are claiming that I hate poor people! Now this really hurts. I don’t hate poor people. Everyone who works for me is poor. And, I love all of them dearly.

If you look at my record in that state I was governor of that I won’t actually name because it’s a very liberal state that follows very liberal policies and has low unemployment, almost universal healthcare and best in the nation schools. I’m opposed to ALL of the policies that resulted in all those good numbers, even if they were mine. But, I do want to point out that as governor I passed a plan that resulted in poor people having access to healthcare.

A plan that was so damn good, that President Obama used it as the model for ObamaCare. And, as president, I’ll repeal that bill. After repeal people with preexisting conditions will immediately be tossed off their insurance plans and all those poor people who were about to have access to insurance no longer will. Trust me these people will be so much happier this way. Honestly, it’s a matter of pride for most of them.

Folks, I keep saying that this is a battle for the Soul of America. I know it’s a strange thing for someone with no soul to say, but I really do believe it. I just honestly think we can do so much better. We can return America to greatness! We can make our military great again! We can slash taxes on everybody except working people! We can cut all this ridiculous spending on lazy-ass people who are just living off government handouts! And by cutting taxes dramatically, especially on rich people, and raising defense spending big time, we will of course, balance the budget.

And what’s really great about it folks, is that it will be painless. We can do it all without one bit of sacrifice on your part. All you have to do is just kick back and let the greatness happen. How awesome is that? Obama promises nothing but pain and sacrifice. He thinks Americans should do silly things like “work together” and “take care of each other” and other bullpoop ideas. Well, I’m here to tell ya folks, it just doesn’t have to be that way.

Won’t it be wonderful when I, Mitt Romney, am president and you no longer have any responsibilities? Won’t it be wonderful when nothing is expected of you? Yes it will.

Austerity is just another word for paradise.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

State of the Union Address 2012: Why Bother?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States…

And the joint Congress and American public go, “Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

Sad.

But the sadness…disinterest…malaise…or just plain, “What the fuck ever”, feeling is not without an understandable reason.

Tonight, during the State of the Union Address President Obama will say in some form or fashion as all President’s before him have said…

“The State of the Union is strong.”

Well, in my opinion, the State of the Union is far from strong, in fact, it sucks. And, I’m not talking about our economy, or our stature in the eyes of the world. I’m talking about us.

I’m talking about us as a nation of people who over the years have defeated an empire, have come together like none other, and now, after nearly 236 years of this great nation’s existence…

We argue over whether a woman has private and personal control over her own body, if a spouse has the right to let his spouse die in a dignified way, or if we should attack a country such as Iran whose military prowess is along the lines of the paper tiger that was Hussein’s Iraq.

Our nation has so many problems…from our debt, to reliance on foreign oil, to unemployment, to trying to find our markets and international place in the 21st Century.

And yet, when looking for a President and leader in our 2012 election cycle, what do many Americans look toward to guide their choice?

American History? The Constitution? Or perhaps, Common Sense? Noooooooo…

Many Americans find their safe harbors via the lighthouse of the media beacons that are MSNBC, FOX News, and some whacked out manchicks named Rachel Maddow and/or Sean Hannity among others.

Unfortunately, they seem to be the catalytic minority, and…they are what fuel the misfiring engine that is the do nothing government that we seem to have these days. Politicians want one thing, and that one thing is not to help America, it is to get reelected.

And in order to secure that end game, legislators agree with tiny minded folks, and no matter what, feed the electorate with what they want to hear in order to accomplish their unending, monetarily satisfying tenure within the once great halls of Congress.

Seriously, Mr. and/or Mrs. American Voter…you suck.

Choosing a President, taking the ten minutes it takes to vote, and actually researching who and why you want to vote for him or her has become such a chore. Because? Thinking takes time.

Millions of Americans listen to Limbaugh, Hannity, Maddow, and Olbermann because they would rather not think for themselves. They are too busy ordering pizza , texting a friend about how their spouse hates them, or playing Farmville on Facebook as they experience the virtual birth of a calf…

Gimme a break. It’s because of the laziness of the American voter that we in 2012, are left with a field of Presidential candidates of Romney, Gingrich, Santorum, Paul, and Obama.

In 1800 and 1804, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson went head to head in the Presidential election, and in 2012..?

We will have either Romney or Gingrich up against Obama.

Adams and Jefferson debated over the future course this country would take in order to make our then nascent nation more successful, and 200 and some years later?

No matter who the GOP picks to represent their party, the General Election debate will center on not who will make this country greater, but rather who will make this nation less than it already has become.

Ironically, it is our forefathers who set us upon this path with the birth of herd mentality political parties. However...

While they saw political parties merely as schools of thought, Americans today see them as political Cliff Notes, and comfortable, totalitarian schools of non-thought.

Americans today don’t have time to read the entire virtual biography that a candidate may put forth; they merely want to gaze, and listen to it briefly upon 24/7 cable news, and then like Pavlov’s dogs, obediently nod their heads, and wag their tails to what they know, and agree…or bark at the screen when they don’t.

After all, thinking takes time, and there are X-Box games to be played, spouses to cheat upon, and other who are unlike you and I to mock.

I wonder about our country, and when I do , I wonder about Ben Franklin.

He drank…He loooved the ladies…He smoked…He, like an idiot, stood out in the lightning…He hung out with pigeons as he trained them, and today?

Because of all of that, he couldn’t get elected as a City Commissioner of Bagwine, Ohio.

Americans today do not like thinkers…they do not like great people…Americans like a world that is homogenous…that thinks as they do…that is uncomplicated.

And that is exactly why America, the former bastion of innovation and great ideas, is becoming second-rate as a nation, and a nation whose State of the Union is not strong.

Matt-Man

Email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws

Mitt Romney 2012: I Am the Common Man!!

Hello my fellow Americans.  Mitt Romney here for I’m With Stupid.

I know what you are thinking, and trust me, I am currently and personally having a robust chortle, as you ask yourselves…

“What in blazes is former, barely well-to-do Massachusetts Governor, and GOP Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney doing on I’m With Stupid?”

Well let me tell you…

Even though I have recently brought Republicans together by winning both the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire Primary, many people still think I am but a self-serving man of fortunate lineage and vast wealth, who is out of touch with the majority of the American populous, all the while wanting to serve as President of this great nation.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  Well…I should say…

Although I do want to be your President, I am nothing like the cold and stoic detached Ebenezer Scrooge type that the media, people like Newt Gingrich, along with some voters, and anti-Romney Super PACs make me out to be.

In fact my friends, I am so down with your pedestrian, yet hip common man sub-culture, that it’s scary to me. Golly Heck…I’ll bet you ten-thousand dollars that you probably know dozens of people just like me within your gated communities.

Yet, some think that I am incognizant of, and keep my distance from, the “little people”…Some think that I, being “okay” financially, have no clue as to what real, everyday Americans experience and or have experienced.

Let me tell you right here and now.

I, Mitt Romney, all my life sliding down the chutes of my father’s loins in order to have handed to me the grandiose of the American Dream, have also experienced what it is like to be…a rebel…a rascal…a boat rocker, and most importantly, a Common Man.

Every morning, just as you do, I put on my finely tailored English pants made of exceptional Falkland Islands wool, one leg at a time.

As I know most of you good parents still do today, I, while they were growing up, always half-jokingly reminded my kids about how I had to walk up three flights of stairs both ways to my lecture hall at the private, Cranbrook Preparatory School for Boys in Bloomfield Hills, MI.

I remember one time during my youthful days at Cranbrook that some of us rowdy “Dead End Kids” raised a ruckus over the appointment of a new schoolmaster by refusing to tie our ties into a Double Windsor knot.

LOL…We took it a step farther, when all heck broke out in the form of a spontaneous, and devil-may-care food fight in the dining room at lunch during final exams week.  Let me tell you…The lobster and Foie gras we’re flying!!

When I came home for Christmas break, my mother was so angry with me, that she sent me to bed without dinner, and sent our man Paco off to the cleaners on Christmas Eve to rid my blazer of the shellfish residue.

Did I say Paco?  Darn right I did…You see, we Romneys are multi-cultural and sensitive to all peoples regardless of their religion, political bent, or ethnicity.

Did I tell you that my dad, George Romney was born in Colonia Dublan, Mexico?  I didn’t?  Well, maybe I shouldn’t have, and let’s say we just forget about this part of my exposition.

I mean really…it’s not like it matters, so all in all we need not mention it again…unless…hey wait…

If I could spread this fact to all the Mexicans and blacks, who live in Section 8 housing, I cou--..?  I think I’m on to something.

Listen Pablo, Jose, and Dre’ Cool …Just like you, I was born into and unto oppression, and just as I have overcome it, I will bring you along side of me when elected Mitt-Man-in-Chief.

There’s a Nor’Easter a-blowin’ on the political front and his name is Mitt.  Forget Bain Capital, my J. Crew clothing, and my man-servants…

If you can push the votes my way, come January 2013 we’ll be sitting in the White House tossing back some 40’s of…

Cristal Champagne!!

I know my brothers, you would prefer some Steel Reserve, but, dang, I got to stay true to my roots.

Mitt Romney

email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
twitter:  @mattmaniws

Letters to Santa

With the latest of 8,000 GOP Presidential debates scheduled to air on FOX News at 9 PM tonight, the IWS news team has uncovered information more revealing of the candidates than any answers they could give to questions asked by Megyn Kelly such as…

“What is the capital of Solyndra?”

“Are corporations people too?”

Or…

“May I run my fingers through your hair?”

Yes folks, put their stances on foreign policy, economic recovery, and bestiality aside; thanks to our operative working within the United States Postal Service, we now reveal the candidates’ true personalities from their letters to Santa Claus…

Dear Santa:

I have been a darn (pardon my expletive) good boy this year. I have, much like you do, made thousands of people feel good about themselves by telling them what they want to hear, and promising them what they want. However, unlike you, I cannot deliver a thing.

I hope this Christmas you can bring my words to fruition. I want you to give gay people every right we normal people have while revealing to them the emotional and financial horrors of a bad marriage. I want you to enact strict guns control laws while holding true to the tenets of the NRA. I want you to read the minds of souls of women and spontaneously and unknowingly vaporize the zygotes inside those women who really don’t want a child so that abortion becomes a non-issue.

Thank you and I think that red suit is very becoming on you. Unless, of course you don’t want me to think that.

Yours in the tepee of the Nephites,

Mitt

Dear Santa:

I would like you to protect every adorable fetus conceived through thick and thin, rape and incest, drug induced bunga bunga parties, and schoolyard dares.

I would also like a soft-serve ice cream machine.

Merry Christmas to you and the Mrs.,

Rick Santorum

Dear Santa:

When I think of you, I think of that time many years ago when on your sleigh, you secretly carpet bombed the Cambodians into submission and helped our Jewish friends to secure the upper peninsula of my beloved Minnesota.

I figure that since you have that kind of power, you could quickly, yet sweetly and peacefully, kill off my husband Marcus, and introduce me to a marriage-worthy man who isn’t gay.

I love you and so does Jesus,

Michele

Dear Santa:

Just like me you are a round, homely looking old man, and yet, the ladies dig you and without even spending a dime, you no doubt get a helluva lot more high class trim than even I. My Christmas wish is simple.

I want your secret. My current wife is getting on my nerves and frankly, and I can’t keep this “genius” façade up forever, so I’m going to need something other than a line of credit at Tiffany’s in order to bag a few more hot chicks before I die.

Beware of the Electro Magnetic Pulses while flying around,

Newt

Dear Santa:

As I tell you every four years or so, I don’t want a goddamn thing from you. You are not the solution to our problems; you are the problem. And…if you have an “in” with the Almighty? Tell him that streets paved with gold are yet another example of the obscene waste of tithings by those in power.

Go to Hell,

Ron Paul

Dear Santa:

I want three things from ya this year. An endless supply of pain meds and a new pair of boots.

Thank Ya,

Rick Perry

And there you have it folks…Another Pulitzer Award winning expose brought to you courtesy of the IWS newshounds.

And…I think the most important thing we have learned from this scoop is, that just like corporations, GOP Presidential candidates are people too.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

God Is an Oversexed, Freak Flag Flying Liberal

There have been several GOP Presidential debates thus far, and I have watched and listened to most of the oratorical-political sparring that has taken place between Romney, Cain, Perry, Bachmann and the other Republican hopefuls.

I must say…

This gaggle of goo-heads may be the most moronic group of folks assembled since the last Motley Crue reunion tour, however…

I don’t think this because of their stances or lack of stances on issues such as economics or foreign affairs. No my friends, it’s their stances on social issues and how they relate them and justify them to their faith and belief in God. And…

They get the God is a social conservative shit so damn wrong. Listen to me folks…

God is one whacked-out pervert, who has flexed his supernatural sinew of slutdom and unfurled his omin-formidable, free love freak flag throughout history.

Now dig it…

What’s one of the first things God did? He created Adam. And shortly after that? He created Eve. And how did he create Eve?

He used one of Adam’s ribs…Hmmmmm. To me that sounds like some serious supernatural, anti-Christian cloning and rib-cell research. It also begs the following hypothesis…

When Adam lay down and had sex with Eve, wasn’t he really having sex with himself? In fact, since Adam’s sexcapdes with his clone were directed by God, wasn’t God saying to Adam:

“Adam, go fuck yourself.”

And then later on, God while in the process of destroying the city of Sodom realizes he is going to need to re-populate the place when the carnage is over, so what does he do?

Instead of introducing a nice young couple to become man and wife and make some babies, he chooses old man Lot and his two daughters. The daughters ply Lot with Manischewitz and engage in a sexfest of Biblical proportions. All the while, Lot can be heard screaming:

“Who’s your daddy?”

Ha…Drunkeness and an incestuous three-way…It’s like a Russ Meyer flick. God is one uber-cool sick fuck.

And then we advanced to the times of King David. Ah yes, David…The mighty warrior and future King who smited Goliath, and built a Jewish empire under the watchful eye of God. Uh-huh…

When David wasn’t toppling giants or crushing the armies of his enemies, he was writing psalms and hanging out with Saul’s son Jonathan playing Crouching Hebrew, Hidden Latke.

Oh yeahhhhhh, David was as queer as a square bagel. And, God dug him.

And then, we have the story of Mary…Holy Cow!!

God decides he wants a son, so he impregnates another man’s wife by raping her via supernatural in vitro fertilization and today we celebrate that illicit action with twinkling lights, Christmas carols, and gift cards to Target.

Gimme a break you GOP Presidential candidates…

You may say you are a God-fearing Christian with a deep belief in the Almighty, but c’mon…the God you choose to believe in and with whom you claim to have a personal relationship, is not the same God I know.

My God among other wacky things, is a huge fan of cloning, auto-erotic sex acts, homosexuality, sex out of wedlock, unnatural child birth, and coining offensive phrases that are still in use today.

On top of that, he has houses of worship built in his honor and has other people foot the bill, all the while getting a Goddamn tax-exempt status!!

Man…if all that doesn’t add up to the definition of a free love, freak flag waving Liberal, I don’t know what does, and you my Fundamentalist GOP friends need to stop waving the Bible and actually give it a read.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Chris Christie for President 2012

Ummmmm settle down, and listen up…Gov. Chris Christie here.

I have a huge announcement to make, and Matt-Man convinced me to use the incredibly wide expanse of the I’m With Stupid media empire from which to make it.

I agreed, because Matt-Man, Jayman, and the staff of I’m With Stupid are not the types to slovenly devour people with cheap shots by throwing out seemingly delicious red meat to the masses. So here I go…

The calls for me to run for the GOP Presidential nomination have swollen to the point where the weight and gravity of the cries for my candidacy, have convinced me to finally step up once again, to the plate.

My friends, I am doing it.  I am putting my skin into the game and will be walking semi-briskly for the office of President of the United States of America.

Look at the menu of candidates from which we Republicans have to choose.  I get a better line-up of choices at the Denny’s in East Brunswick.

Bachmann?  Her intellect is thinner than the, “Great Chefs of Ireland Cookbook.”
 

Herman Cain?  Ha, Godfather’s Pizza genius prefers deep dish pizza.  We’ve had enough of Chicago style politics under Obama; we don’t need Chicago style pizza under Cain.

Boy Toy Rick Perry is a shit-ka-bob.

Romney and Santorum are as exciting as broccoli.  Ron Paul’s mind is like goulash.  Newt Gingrich always leave you hungry for something else, and Jon Huntsman…um…c’mon, he’s a glass of skim milk.

See what I’m saying? The current field of Republican candidates blows more than a Jersey girl.  My party needs me.

My country needs me.

Democrats…Republicans…all politicians in Washington are interested only in reelection, while ignoring the 800 pound gorilla in the living room of our nation…Economy and Jobs.

My friends, I want to be that 800 pound gorilla.  

I want to jump up and down, rattle some cages, turn the White House into 1600 I Don’t Give A Fuck About Your Reelection Avenue, and rebuild the breadbasket of America into a gourmet bakery full of delicious smells of success and cupcakes heavily frosted with prosperity.

Believe me.  I can almost feel your pain, and I want to help you.

I know that you and your families are doing without and pinching every penny.  If elected…

I will make sure I cut out the fat and tighten the belt on the out of control pork fest that is taking place in D.C.

Unlike me, our current leaders and politicians are nothing more than line cutters at The Old Country Buffet, feeding their faces with the fresh Salisbury steak and still steamy mashed potatoes, while you are left with nothing but cold peas and hard toast.

If elected, I will make sure that you will be first in line enjoying hot gravy and beef tips while the career politicians are gnawing on cold broth and gristle.

I want to thank I’m With Stupid for allowing this perfectly seasoned political discourse by me without taking any cheap shots. 

I’ll be having Matt-Man and Jayman over for manicotti soon, and if you’d like to help me out please contact Matt-Man at:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Gov. Chris Christie