Sunday, July 31, 2011

It's Funny Time!


Last night Matt-Man and Jayman brought the funny. We told some of our favorite jokes of all time and it was non-stop hilarity!  We also talked about our favorite comedians and a bit about comedy in general. Like how important delivery is. Jayman is especially good at messing up and having to start over. PEOPLE LOVE THAT! 

Anyway, we told some all-time classics like…

The muffins were in the oven cooking away when one muffin turned to the one next to him and said “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?” The other muffin turned to him and said “OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!!” 

Q: What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A: The pilot! What are you? Fucking racist?

Q: Where can you hide extra cash from your Jewish wife?  A: Under the vacuum cleaner. 

And you know what? It just got funnier from there! So, take a few minutes out of your busy schedule and check it out. We would much appreciate it and it will put a smile on your face.
Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio


And, in keeping with the funny theme this week, I’m With Stupid has named Sarah Silverman our Babe of the Week! Sarah is one of the funniest, and hottest, comedians ever. Sarah is known for rather brash humor and her willingness to hit on controversial topics such as race, sex and religion. We here at  I’m With Stupid support this and welcome Sarah to her rightful place as BotW

Friday, July 29, 2011

As The Butter Churns

Greetings and welcome friends of IWS. I am the official Amish Mullet Girl of I’m With Stupid.

My name is Hannah Stoltzfus, and I liveth in, and haileth from, one of the 220 Amish Church Districts in Holmes County, Ohio.

Holmes County Ohio boasteth an Amish population of nearly 40,000 peace loving folk sporting long beards, long skirts, and deep sexual repression.

To put that into perspective, if all of us were to churneth butter from the Sabbath to your day of debauchery the following Saturday, we’d churn enough curds and whey to fill the moon with green cheese, all the while hoping that someone would do the same to us.

To many of you, we may seem to be aloof, stand-offish, and perhaps even creepy, but c’mon…

Do I look like a creepy little Amish girl to you? Perhaps you think I look like a character from the moving picture, Children of the Corn?

Well, I’m not. Okay…

Being Amish, maybe I look like a character from Children of the String Cheese. Ha!!

See?

Even the Amish have a sense of humor!!

Having a sense of humor is good, because on Saturday July 30th at 6:30 PM EDT, Jayman and Matt-Man are doing, The Joke Show on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

They will be telling and discussing their favorite jokes of all-time. They’d like you to listen and call-in with yours as well.

Unfortunately, I will be unable to do the same, for I am Amish and we eschew all things electrical and modern. In fact…

The only reason you are reading my words upon the soullessness of the internet is because my brother Zachariah took my hand written story to the vibrant and modern town of Bagwine, Ohio some four carriage ride days away from here and delivered it to Matt-Man.

And speaking of jokes and my brother Zachariah, let me tell you…That boy couldn’t raise a barn with the broad side of a…um…barn. Hey-Oooooooth.

Anyway, listen to I’m With Stupid on Saturday July, 30th at 6:30 PM EDT as Jayman and Matt-Man will be telling and discussing their favorite jokes of All-Time.

For more details…go to the Radio Show tab at the top of the page and give er’ a click.

For I’m With Stupid, this is Hannah Stoltzfus saying…

An Amish girl’s best friend is the “transistor radio” ‘neath her goose-down pillow.

--Hannah

Mahasiswi Ini Rela Melakukan Apapun Demi Lulus Ujian !


Seorang mahasiswi seksi yang terancam gagal ujian mendatangi kantor dosennya yang masih muda. Dia melirik ke sekililingnya sebentar, menutup pintunya, dan langsung berlutut di hadapan sang dosen sambil memohon.

"Pak Dosen, Saya bersedia melakukan apapun juga agar lulus ujian....", ujarnya sambil melirik genit.

Lalu sang mahasiswi mendekat ke arah dosennya, menyibakkab rambutnya, menatap matanya penuh arti. "Kalau Bapak masih belum mengerti maksud saya..." bisiknya, "Saya bersedia melakukan apapun, apa saja yang Bapak mau..."

Dosen muda tadi membalas tatapannya, "Apapun?"
"Apapun!", jawab sang mahasiswi secepatnya.
Suara dosen itu melembut, "Apapun?"
"Apapun...."
Akhirnya Pak dosen berbisik, "Maukah kamu......... belajar?"

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Rodney Dangerfield Live from Heaven !!



Hey how you doin’? Rodney Dangerfield here.

I know… I know…It’s been nearly seven years since I’ve been gone, and my family is just now reporting me missing!!

I tell ya, no respect.

But I can tell you, that when I died in October of 2004, the good Lord brought me directly to Heaven.

Yeah, good Lord my ass…Five minutes after getting into Heaven, I met Jesus, and he made me wash HIS feet.

I tell ya, no respect.

On top of that, most people who come to Heaven come through the Pearly Gates…me?

The Godly Gargoyles unhooked the lock on the fence and said,

“Don’t let the chain link hit you on the ass.”

And then St. Peter said…

“You shouldn’t even be up here, but it was the only way we could get Sam Kinison to stop his fucking screaming.”

However…

Life is good up here for a Christ-Killing Jew like me. The first dead person I met was Joan of Arc, and I had to tell her…

“I bet you were smokin’ hot in your day.”

And then I saw Charlton Heston and screamed,

“Hey Chuck, Remember Me?”

I remember seeing JFK and Jayne Mansfield strolling hand in hand along the streets of gold and I had to ask…

“Hey Jack, who gave you a better head job…Jayne or Lee Harvey Oswald?”

I think some people find me a bit distasteful…God included. 

For example, when I arrived here in the Land of Milk and Honey…all I got was skim milk, and Nutella. I tell ya…

But…Compared to my days of disrespectation on Earth, life is not bad up here.

The hookers here in Heaven pay me to have sex with them. Sure, they still cry afterwards, but yours truly has a few dollars in hand with which to commiserate.

When I arrived, the Heaven Doctor didn’t slap my mother…He smiled and slapped my father.

When I strip in front of the window of my heavenly bungalow, I am not booed by a peeping Tom, I am booed by a Doubting Thomas.

And hear this…There is excitement a plenty here in Heaven.

Last week, Evel Knievel jumped not one, not two, not three…but ALL twelve Apostles.

It was exciting, but when I went to the post-show buffet, I was handed a carp and gar knish to eat, and told to clean the place up.

Because evidently, Richard Nixon who was here on a weekend pass from Hell, had thrown up all over Golda Meir.

I guess in Heaven…seniority matters.

This is Rodney Dangerfield live from Heaven saying…

Even in the eyes of the Almighty, respect is an elusive thing.

Ho-ah…You should have seen the woman that just walked by…I bet she was something before electricity,

Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Crackerville In Da House!


Howdy Ho folks!  Crackerville here. Some of you may know me by Wacky Cracky, or the Crackinator, or Sexy Cracky or my favorite, Crackerlicious. As you should recall, I was the featured guest on I’m With Stupid: The Sandwich Show episode.  That was the day I set the internets on fire and Matt-Man and Jayman made me famous! 

So, when Jayman suggested over on Twitter that maybe I could do a guest post for the IWS blog, I responded “I’m at your service!” Cause that’s just the sweet and thoughtful kind of girl I am. In fact, if you ever look at my Tumblr (WARNING: SOOOOO NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!) you’ll see that I’m a very giving girl. Besides, I was one of the first I’m With Stupid Girls. So, I’ll do damn near anything for my boys.

Anyhoodle, I thought for my sure to be award-winning post here, I would go with a little stream of consciousness blogging.  Let’s do this!  

I love the internet. I’ve met so many amazing and interesting people here. If you read my Tumblr blog you’ll know what one of them is “Sir.” He’s really taught me to think outside the box. And put things inside MY box! As Matt-Man would say “Hey-OOOOO!” 

Don’t look at my Tumblr if you’re super sensitive or easily offended. There aren’t too many people like that on the internet, except for a few mouthy bitches on Twitter who are obsessed with me. In general, I guess people with a stick up their butt shouldn’t be following me. 

Branson, MO likes to call itself the “Entertainment Capital of America” but only because I’m here. I’m entertaining as hell baby! 

I love the NFL. I especially love Peyton Manning. He better sign a new deal with the Colts and gets his hot ass out there playing. Man, that guy could send a play right through my five-hole anytime. Or drill one into my tight end. Or penetrate my defense. Or tell me to go DEEEEEEEEP! Or flicker my flea. Or run a power dive into my box. OR run a QB sneak up my middle. If you get my drift, and I think that you do.  Eli can watch cause he’s kinda nice too. 

I love summer cause I love to swim during the day and then grill out at night. And while we’re grilling I like to kick back and drink some Keystone Ice.  I like Keystone cause it’s smooth like Keith Stone. Oh, and I might do a few shots of tequila every once in a while too. That’s when things really get wild! Woo-Hoo! 

I quit smoking four months ago. Damn that was hard. I had to find a new hobby and deal with my oral fixation. Thank goodness I found Tubmlr and “Sir.”  Of course, that candle wax burned like a motherfucker though. Maybe I shouldn’t have used cheapo candles form Walmart? But, that’s the cost of being an entertainer. You have to sacrifice for your craft. Amirite? 

Boy, I sure could go for a roast beef sandwich right about now. No, not a RUSTY sandwich Matt-Man! I know what you were thinking. 

Okay kids! That’s really all I’ve got for now. Maybe I’ll be back around someday in the future. But, even if I don’t, I know you’ll remember me forever. That’s what happens when you get Crackerfied! 

And always remember kids. Crackerville loves you. <3 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Anders Behring Breivik: Super Trouper

Jay…Matt-Man…IWS Readers…Everyone’s fave Dutch news hound, Guy Ahnyurdyck here with an update on the fanatic fjordian and homegrown Norwegian terrorist, Anders Behring Breivik.

A cacophony of criminal profilers and psychiatric types have poured over his lengthy online manifesto in hopes of gaining insight in to what lead to this Madmanavian’s massacration of dozens of free-thinking youth on the isle of Utoya, and heathenistic Oslonians within the capital city of Norge.

Many have speculated that Breivik suffered from an over-zealous hatred of Muslims and was in his mind trying to keep Norway safe from dirty, non-bacon eating Muslims in the name of Christianity, but that theory was quickly blown out of the water by FOX News when they reported…

Christians do not kill out of hate!!

Upon hearing that report from FOX and Friends anchor, and Murrowesque journalist Steve Doocy, I knew it was up to me to fill the vacuum and discover the true reasoning and motive behind the shootings of one, Anders Behring Breivik, or as I refer to him…

The Killer Who is but One Initial Away from Being a One Man ABBA Band…

And that my friends is a fact of foreshadowing that illuminated the reasons behind the Ogre of Oslo going on a rampage.

Being the award-winning journalist that I am, I broke into I was welcomed into Mr. Breivik’s flat and discovered something that sent my synapses into super happy Chinese fireworks mode.

Breivik’s flat was littered with ABBA albums, ABBA posters, and ABBA news articles. Big deal you say?

It is a big deal because as this nose for the news noticed, one Anni-Frid Lyngstad’s vocals, pictures, and mentions among the Swedish supergroup’s paraphernalia were completely erased and/or marked out.



I also came across his diary and was truly touched by an entry from 1982 where he was immobilized by tears when ABBA broke up. He blamed the break-up on the one Norwegian in the band…

The lone non-Swede, the only non blue-eyed blonde, and the last “A” in the band ABBA, one Anni-Frid Lyngstad.

From that day forward, his diary became full of entries in reference to taking out his frustration of the break-up of ABBA on non-Scandinavian looking Norwegians, as well as one day singing Dancing Queen with Agnetha, Benny, and Bjorn.

And now, you see what I do…

Anders Behring Breivik is not a radical, right-wing Christian, hell bent on destroying Islam.

Anders is but a musical purist who merely wants to be the last “A” in ABBA.

Is that so wrong?

This is Guy Ahnyurdyck, tossing it back to you guys…on the website.

Monday, July 25, 2011

My Indecent Proposal...


As you probably know, last week NFL owners voted to approve their own proposal and then held a press conference celebrating the fact that they agreed with what they had agreed to propose. It was all done in an attempt to force the players to quickly agree to the deal or risk losing the PR war with the fans.

Well, this gave me a great idea. I would like to publicly announce that I have agreed to my own proposal to have sex with Mila Kunis. Below are the details of the proposal that I have very generously made to Ms. Kunis:

- Mila will be allowed to choose between a tray of Kraft sharp cheddar cheese slices, Petit Jean Mountain summer sausage and Club Crackers, or a Digioro’s thin crust pepperoni frozen pizza for dinner. Great Value Vienna Sausages will also be available for snacking purposes if needed.

- There will be the choice of Charles Shaw (AKA: Two Buck Chuck) Pinot Grigio or Franzia Sunset Blush box wine, Jose Cuervo tequila and Dos Equis beer in the fridge and ready to be consumed.

- Room will be cooled to 69° F.

- Room will be completely dark with the exception the light from my clock radio and my Batman night light.

- The five disc CD player will be loaded with Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Marvin Gaye, Al Green and Otis Redding CDs in that order and will be played from song one, disc one.

- The linens on my bed will be washed (twice) in All Allergy Free powder washing detergent and then dried using Gain fabric sheets.  They will not be placed on the bed until one hour prior to Ms. Kunis’ arrival.

- Four-play will begin at exactly 8 pm CDT and will continue until 9:03 pm CDT.

- During four-play Ms. Kunis will wear nothing but a t-shirt and thong. 

- Jayman will wear nothing but his boxers and has agreed to forgo the wearing of socks to bed. 

- After a quick potty break and the opportunity for Ms. Kunis to slam a few more tequila shots, sexual intercourse will begin at 9:17 pm CDT and will last no less than seven and no more than twenty-seven minutes. 

- After sexual intercourse has concluded there will be a period of cuddling to last between 11 and 53 minutes in which Jayman promises not to fall asleep. 

- There will be four photographs allowed. 1. Jayman and Mila embarrassing in a warm hug upon her arrival. 2. Mila sitting on Jayman’s lap with her arm around Jayman’s neck and Jayman’s right hand on Mila’s thigh. 3. Mila and Jayman engaged in a loving, passionate kiss while lying on the bed. And 4. A very special post coital bliss photo of Jayman and Mila cuddling while nekkid. 

- Jayman will be allowed to post a 500 word or less review of his night with Mila on the I’m With Stupid blog and on his Tumblr, but will use only two of the photos on each blog. 

-Jayman also agrees to not discuss the encounter with Ms Kunis on the “I’m With Stupid” internet radio show as he agrees that his partner Matt-Man lacks the social graces to treat the entire encounter with the respect it deserves. 

- Ms Kunis agrees to leave her thong and to allow Jayman to hang them from a nail above his bed. And from the rear view mirror in his car on weekends.

After reviewing this proposal thoroughly, Jayman has voted unanimously, 1-0, to approve this proposal and will begin making preparations for this wonderful event immediately upon Mila’s acceptance, which should happen promptly. 

I should warn Ms Kunis though, that failure to accept this proposal expeditiously will result very bad PR for her and could cost her a lot of her support that she currently enjoys from people throughout the world. So, it is definitely in her best interest to not let this drag out very long. 

I look forward to word of her acceptance of my proposal and promise to keep everyone updated.

 

Rapid Fire Radio...


This morning on “I’m With Stupid” Matt-Man and Jayman covered A LOT of ground.  We fired off topics like Anders Behring Breivik firing away at his intended targets.  Remember kids, you can’t call Breivik a “terrorist” because he’s a white Christian.  Only brown skinned people can be called “terrorists” folks. Try to remember that. 

Anyway, we talked a bit about the very tragic death of Amy Winehouse and wondered how it could be that they are having trouble determining a cause of death.  Really guys? You would think this one would be an easy call. 

And OMG!! The NFL IS BACK! THE LOCKOUT IS OVER! Thank God too because I was starting to get worried that we might all have to find other things to do on Sundays this fall. Like get out of the house or read a book or God help us SPEND TIME WITH FAMILY!  But, thankfully we won’t have to do any of those things. 

Also, Brett Favre

Let’s see, what else did we hit on? Oh yeah, we criticized Tim “T-Paw” Pawlenty for taking cheap shots at our girl Michele Bachamnn. Pawlenty, being the coward that he is, is widely believed to be the source of the migraine hit piece on Bachmann. What a dirty and cheap sexist T-Paw is! I’m so disappointed in him.  

Anyway, we hit on all those topics and so much more. We also welcomed a few folks to the I’m With Stupid blog as they showed up on the hit counter AND gave a shout out to Time Warner Cable customer service who we know was probably listening. We had to give them credit for quickly giving into IWS demands and getting that maintenance at the Bagwine Digs scheduled.

So, why don’t you give the show a listen? It will brighten your day. Guaranteed or your money back. 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio


Brett Favre Playing for the Philadelphia Eagles?

It’s being reported that the Philadelphia Eagles may be interested in hiring 68 year old Brett Farve as a back up to quarterback Michael Vick once the NFL lockout comes to an end.

Upon hearing this, a few things came to mind.

First I thought…

I’d really like for an NFL labor agreement to be reached so there’s football this year, but if the only way to keep Favre and His Traveling Drama Show from coming back to the NFL is to continue the lockout, so be it!!

Then I asked myself…

If Favre does sign a hefty contract with the Eagles does he still get the full amount of his Social Security check? ‘Cause if he does, that’s bullshit, man!!

Finally, I pondered…

There is going to be a lot of cost and confusion in Philadelphia when Favre comes to town and the Philly Convention and Visitors Bureau has to change all of their marketing materials to read…

Philadelphia: The City of Grandfatherly Love!!

Oy Vay…Favre back in the NFL? What’s next?

Will the Boston Red Sox give 73 year old knuckleballer Tim Wakefield a ten year contract extension?

Will the Toronto Maple Leafs enlist Stephen Hawking to be their goalie next season?

Will Playboy magazine make an offer to Phyllis Diller to be Miss December?

Oh the humanity. Please Brett Favre…I beseech you, Eagles front office. Make the madness stop!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Make sure to listen to us today on BTR at 11 AM EDT. For show information click on the Radio Show tab at the top of the page.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

My Little Town ...


Last night on “I’m With Stupid” Matt-Man and Jayman took everyone on a virtual audio tour of our hometowns.  We talked about all the great sights there are to see.  Things like the hole in downtown Redneckville, AR and the gray beaches of the C.J. Brown State Reservoir just outside of Bagwine, Ohio. 

And we hit on a few other great things about our towns.  Jayman pointed out that in Redneckville you can grab the phonebook and find the local number for the KKK! How handy is that? Other great sites in Redneckville include “The Hole” downtown, beautiful Lakeshore Drive that stretches out as far as the eye can see for just less than one quarter of mile. Unfortunately, Country Time Jamboree has closed down, so live entertainment is limited to the Redneckville Not Ready for Primetime Players at the Lyric Theater.

Of course, Bagwine has its great sites too. As in the area where the Battle of Piqua! Currently the Clark County Fair is taking place and you can walk around and see every style of mullet there is. And Matt-Man also pointed out that Bagwine sports two … count them: TWO! Walmarts! Not to mention that included in the Bagwine Metroplex is the industrial wasteland of Dayton, Ohio. 

Also, we want to thank the Official Hot Mess of I'm With Stupid, Sunshine State Shirley for calling in. And then, as if there hadn’t been enough hilarity already, Mike called in! So, check the show out guys. It was a pretty damn funny 45 minutes this week. Well, every week is funny, but this week was downright jocular.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio


In other news, the entire staff of the I’m With Stupid Media Empire would like to send out our most heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of Amy Winehouse. Amy passed away yesterday tragically and we are all just devastated by her passing.  We discussed it and we felt that the best way to show how much we’ll miss Amy would be to name her this week’s IWS Babe of the Week. 

R.I.P. Amy. You will be sorely missed.