Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Fantasy Draft Hotties Edition


It’s time for another fantasy draft kids! This time we’re drafting hotties. There are so many choices that this one is much harder than the Presidential Draft last week.  But, I finally narrowed it down.  So, here we go…

QB: Aisha Tyler: We all know that you need your QB to be a smart person, with Terry Bradshaw being the obvious exception. So, I’m going with Aisha Tyler for my QB. In addition to being smoking hot (and damn funny) Aisha graduated from Dartmouth with a degree in Government and a minor in Environmental Studies. Damn, I love smart women. Anyway, she’s smart, tall, athletic and a great natural leader. She’s also a great poker player which is another skill that comes in handy at QB. 

RB: Lindsay Lohan: I know this is one probably catches some people by surprise. But, with Mike Vick we’ve seen that people can emerge from prison with a renewed desire to succeed and do just that. Lindsay is hungry to prove that she can perform and is a great power back. She’ll hit that line hard. She should be great on the goal line too. 

RB: Jamie Chung: Jamie might be a bit small, but she makes up for it with athleticism and heart. She’s quick, and has great footwork. She would also be a great receiver out of the backfield given that she could outrun the defenders. She’s also very flexible. And we all know that flexibility is almost NEVER overrated. Glau is definitely a game breaker who is a threat to take one to the house on any play. 

WR: Stacy Keibler: Long and lean and in amazing shape, Stacy is the perfect possession receiver. She will dominate point per reception leagues. She can also use her size to make the tough catches in traffic and in the red zone. She might be the ultimate weapon. 

Flex: Tyra Banks: We all know how aggressive and fierce Tyra is. This makes her the perfect flex player. She can run or catch. She’ll be able to free herself up in the flat and then turn it up field for those precious yards after the catch. And, by putting her in the slot, the offense will be able to move her around and get the defense off balance, opening things up for others. One thing we know for sure is that Tyra will go all-out on every play. 

WR: Nicole Sherzinger: Another game breaker. An amazing athlete with blazing speed, Nicole will get you those bonus points on the long TD receptions. She will run the defense ragged. Plus she will be a real threat on crossing routes as the defensive backs will have trouble staying with her all the way across the field. She’s also a threat on punt returns, so you will get some bonus points from her that way too. 

TE: Adriana Lima: I mean, come on! Have SEEN her tight end? It’s fucking amazing! This one is pretty much going to go without any argument from anyone. 

K: Jennifer Garner: Anyone who watched Alias back in the day knows that Jennifer can kick. She’s very flexible and has loooong muscular legs. She can bomb it from long distance and again, you’re looking for those bonus points from those 40 and 50 yard plus field goals. You’ll get those from Ms. Garner. 

D/Special Teams: Michelle Rodriguez:  Another bad ass who has done time in the big house.  Michelle has shown that despite her beauty and sexiness, she can get nasty.  She handles all kinds of weapons well and is very aggressive. She’ll get after the other hotties on the field (allegedly) and rack up some big points with sacks and interceptions and do a lot of scoring.

Alright, there you go! Another high scoring team that is sure to dominate. I know I would like to be dominated by every single player on that team!

Dick Cheney In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir

Dick Cheney here, so listen up you America hating ass clowns.

I have a new book out today, and that free-thinking bastard Matt-Man, has graciously offered me this venue in order to pimp out my sure to be best selling tome:

Dick Cheney In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir

Let me tell you right now, you pussinistas, when people inside the beltway read this, heads will explode like a camel jockey’s ass being hit by a goddamn RPG.

My book is full of international intrigue, insight on secret, high level strategy sessions, and tiny, tiny tears being shed by Crybaby Condi. 

Jesus Christ, that chick has some fucked up teeth. They look like they were put in by some drunk bastard operating a pile driver.

Anyway…

This book is not for the faint of heart, so I guess I won’t be able to read it. But I wrote the son of a bitch and that’s all that matters.

I talk about things like the joys of water boarding, my close, homoerotic relationship with Don “Big Missile” Rumsfeld, and my consternation over playing second fiddle to an Ivy League educated dumb ass from Texas.

Bush always held that over my head. He’d say to me:

“Hey Dick, what year did you graduate from Yale? Oh that’s right…you couldn’t cut it there…could ya, Pork Chop Boy!!?”

George also found it funny when I’d get all worked up because he had hidden my goddamn Jack Link’s Beef Jerky. Whenever he would do that, the dumb ass would laugh, and call me Sasquatch…Listen, there are two rules I live by.

Number One…never participate in a land war in Asia, and number two?

Never fuck with a man’s goddamn, Jack Link’s Beef Jerky!!

I also write about my personal life in this book. My love for my wife of 47 years, Lynne, and the two visits that I made to her vagina that produced two wonderful children.

Our oldest daughter Liz, or as I call her, My Fifth Deferment, followed in my footsteps as an operative in campaign management and as an expert in Near Eastern affairs within the State Department.

Our youngest daughter Mary, or as I call her, The Son I Never Had, has traveled a different path. While her careers in public relations and public policy somewhat mirror my work, unlike me, my little Mary really digs the ladies.

So there you have it. It’s a great book. I wrote it. So please buy it. And when I say, “Please buy it.” I really mean, “Buy it or else, you commie, pinko faggots…sorry Mary.”

Now before I go, I just want to ask…

Where in the hell did that Rose drinkin’ son of a bitch, Matt-Man, hide my goddamn Jack Link’s Beef Jerky!!?

Sincerely,

Monday, August 29, 2011

Anniversary Extravaganza Part II


Today was part two of our Anniversary Extravaganza!  And we, as always, took our cues from Miley Cyrus and titled it “Party in the USA.”  As you probably already know, nobody represents America and Partying more than Miley. And, I have it on good authority that Miley has given up low class shows like “Jersey Shore” for “I’m With Stupid’s” more sophisticated and intelligent humor.

Anyway, we talked a little more about some of the shows from the past year. Shows that turned out much better than we or anyone thought they would. Such as the Sandwich Show where Crackerville called in and talked about how much she loves “rusty” sandwiches. Only later did we discover that she meant “roast beef.”   And, there was the Joke Show with turned out to be pretty darn humorous. 

Of course there were a few shows that didn’t work out as well as we were hoping.  Like the Music Shows.  First when we had international pop start Jon Bok Chovie who turned out to be the LeBron James of the entertainment world.  And then when we talked music we discovered that it would have worked better to be able to play the music too. 

Nevertheless, it was an amazing first year for I’m With Stupid and we have a HUGE Season Two planned. In fact, we previewed it a bit on today’s show. First up will be our Beat Poetry Night next Saturday. Oh man is that gonna be a groovy show! 

And a special thanks to Sunshine State Shirley for calling int and helping us celebrate today!  So please give today’s show a listen and help us celebrate this great achievement since it’s YOU, the fans, that keep us going. We love you all! 

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And, as a special gift for listening, here’s hot and spicy Selena Gomez hanging out at the VMA’s last night with some lesbian. 


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Year One


Last night on I’m With Stupid, Matt-Man and Jayman celebrated good times.  We held the first part of our One Year Anniversary Extravaganza and it was a rocking good time!  And of course, Mike called in to celebrate with us.  AND, our good friend and sexy babe M. Rumblings called too! It was the first time she had called. I guess she wanted to make it special, which she did. 

Matt and Jay took a little trip down memory lane. We talked about some of our favorite callers over the past year. And some of our favorite sound files that we created. And sponsors like “Dr. Mengele’s Joyous Joe’s Retirement Home” and “Ponchorella’s Taco Bellas” and even “Fast Freddie’s Funerals.” 

We also had some great live remotes over the year and some of our correspondents were right there in the Bagwine Digs partying with Matt and Schmoop. Guy Ahnyurdyck and Kim Fragiley were both there and man were they kicking things up a notch! Whatever the hell that means. 

Anyway, it was a fun and sometimes poignant night of radio as we remembered the good times and the bad. So, be sure to check it out as you might suddenly remember something from one of the early shows like Knight calling in while lying naked in her bed. I know that memory always makes me happy. 

And, as always we appreciate our listeners and friends and all of the great support you’ve given us over the past year.  We love you all! 

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Also, don’t forget that Part II of the Anniversary Extravaganza will be on Monday at 11 am EDT. Not only will we continue to talk about the last year of cutting edge radio brilliance, but we will also preview Season 2 of I’m With Stupid. You don’t want to miss that!

Oh! Also, since we used all the great boob and ass pics to promo the show I thought maybe we would do something for the ladies on the show review post. It’s only fair. So here is the “I’m With Stupid” All Male Stripping Team…


Cara Paling Unik Pulang Kampung !


Friday, August 26, 2011

Matt Said, Jay Said


It’s Saturday kids! And that means it’s time for another installment of “Matt Said, Jay Said.” I know you’re excited! 

Matt: “I just got the baby oil warmed up and ready for your call.”
Jay: “Did you put the bottle in a pan of warm water to heat it up?”
Matt: “I see you’ve done this before.”
Jay: “You could also just put the bottle in your armpit for a while. That will warm it up too.”

Jay: “Did you see that Nick Ashford died?”
Matt: “Yup, read that this morning.”
Jay: “I guess he’s ‘Solid as a Rock’ then. Hey-OOOOOOOOOH!”
Matt: “You sick fuck.” 

Jay: “Everyone was on Twitter this morning”
Matt: “I thought someone had sent up the Jaysignal”
Jay: “Why?”
Matt: “You showed up and suddenly everyone was there. Just long enough to say ‘good morning’ and suddenly they were all gone again.”
Jay: “Twitter is like everyone meeting in the lobby. Nod and say hello and then go on about your business.”
Matt: “And at the end of the day we’ll do it again. Just long enough to say ‘good night.’” 

Matt: “Uh-Oh!”
Jay: “What??”
Matt: “Da-da-da-DUMMMMM! Angry Mailman is here. The world’s only angry mailman.”
Jay: “Maybe you should wave and be nice to him? Maybe that’s all it would take for him to stop being angry and start being happy. Just one person who cares.”
Matt: “No. He scares me. He’s so mean dogs run away FROM HIM!”
Matt: “Oh hey! A secret note has been slipped under the door.”
Jay: “The fox is in the henhouse. I say again, the fox is in the henhouse.”
Matt: “The cookie has been baked.”
Jay: “The wet bird flies at night.”
Matt: “Ha .. Oh … They’re just painting the parking stripes in the parking lot tomorrow.”
Jay: “Boring.”

Matt: “Maybe I’ll go down there and heckle them while they’re painting.”
Matt: “You call that a straight line?”
Jay: “You didn’t account for the curvature of the Earth on that one!”
Matt: “Michelangelo you AIN’T!”
Jay: “Did you paint over that pebble instead of brushing it out of the way?”
Matt: “The left line is longer than the right. I can tell from here.” *while sitting in my lawn chair drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette* 

Jay: “So, it’s our One Year Anniversary Extravaganza!”
Matt: “Yup. Gonna be HUGE Jay! HUGE! We can talk about our favorite episodes and favorite audio files.”
Jay: “And favorite guests”
Matt: “Right. And maybe some people will call in. Not likely, but maybe. Maybe someone will sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to us?”
Jay: “And we’ll mock everyone who thought it would never last. Like everyone in our families and well, pretty much everyone including us.” 

Matt: “And we’ll preview Season 2. Do we need a new show open? New boobies? We probably do need new boobies.”
Jay: “We can always use new boobies. Always.  Plus we might talk about new ideas or features for Season 2.  Maybe replace correspondents or something.”
Matt: “We might have to replace Ivan Dixon with Kenneth Washington.”
Jay: “Or we might need a new Darren.”
Matt: “Exactly! Important decisions.”
Jay: “Okay, I think we’re ready!”
Matt: “Gonna be HUGE!”

And don’t forget to listen to our Anniversary Extravaganza Saturday night at 6:30 pm EDT and Part II on Monday at 11 am EDT!! It will be a good time for one and all. 

The Torch is Passed

When walking through the library of comedy and broadcast journalism one can check out the dynamic duos of hilarity and masculinity that make up the best of big and small screen, radio, and the tubes of the internets.

The tittering timeline of comedy is full of manly duos that have made us laugh uproariously…

Laurel and Hardy. Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David…Donald Trump and Gary Busey.

Likewise, in the field of broadcast journalism, masculine dyads of info dissemination have graced the lives and minds of us all…

Huntley and Brinkley. Harry Reasoner and Howard K. Smith…Sean Hannity and Greta Van Sustern.

Nearly a year ago, the torch that had been lit by the aforementioned giants of hilarity and masculinity was passed on.

Passed on to the now famous duo known to all as, Matt-Man and Jayman.

Yes indeed, Jayman and I are the heirs to the lineage of the greats that have preceded us, and…it makes good sense.

Jayman and I are the embodiments of all these greats rolled into one, and we go one step above by adding the panache of Siegfried and Roy and the tenderness of Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal.

In us, history has built the Perfect Two-Headed Beast of News and Entertainment.

And after nearly a year on internet radio doing the I’m With Stupid show, we will continue to growl with hilarity and spit out the news like a hyena vomiting from a bad piece of wildebeest.

To mark our one year anniversary of doing I’m With Stupid Jayman and I will be celebrating the historical and hysterical event on both Saturday’s show at 6:30 PM EDT and Monday’s show at 11:00 AM EDT, for one show is not enough to give kudos to our genius.

Of course, we’ve had some help in the process. Correspondents, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Dick Burns, Marty Martenstein, Kim Fragile, and Slyder Balzcock have scoured the earth for incredible stories.

The likes of Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, and others have provided an endless supply of mockable material.

All of the babes who have graciously supplied IWS with pictures of their gorgeous bodies doubling as I’m With Stupid billboards give the show and website needed hotness.

And most importantly, you the listeners and callers make the I’m With Stupid show the complete package.

So please join us Saturday and Monday as Jayman and I take a sentimental stroll back through year one and boldly look ahead to year two of IWS.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Thursday, August 25, 2011

IWS Takes On The Man Again

To: The Ozark’s CW and KYTV Channel 3, commonly known as KY3, of Springfield, MO. 

I am writing this to express my very deepest disappointment in the Ozark’s CW’s decision to take Family Guy and M*A*S*H off in the 10 pm CDT hour and replace them with reruns of Oprah.  This move has completely ruined by bedtime preparation routine.  Now I will have to find something new to watch from 10 to 11 pm, and I have no idea what it might be. 

I have a routine, and I don’t like to have that routine messed with.  Each night at 10 pm I get on my laptop and turn on the Ozark’s CW.  I then spend the hour Twittering with friends, reading blogs and being entertained by two of the very best shows in the history of TV.  Well, I used to do that.  Now what am I supposed to watch? Conan? Pffffffffft, please.  And I can’t go back to watching Roseanne either.  I’ve just watched each of those episodes too many times now.  So, you can see that my evenings are all discombobulated now and it’s all your fault.

I also would like to point out that you have taken good, wholesome family entertainment off and replaced it with the offensive and downright outrageous Oprah show.  Really, guys? Oprah?  So now rather than laughing at Stewie and Peter’s clever one-liners and then the zany antics of Frank Burns, we now are expected to learn about such things as “Tossing the Salad” or a “Cleveland Steamer and other disgusting acts that Oprah talks about on her NOT family-friendly show? In the immortal words Col. Potter “MONKEY MUFFINS!” I for one will not sit still for it. 

I’m going to stand up for all the people out there who like to be entertained by good, decent programming.  I’m putting the Ozark’s CW and your parent/sister/owner station KY3 on notice. I have multiple outlets to inform the people of your transgressions and I will take advantage of them. First I have this blog. Plus, I still have my old Blogger Blog “Every Day Jay” with which I can reach a large audience.  Next I have my Tumblr blog with hundreds of followers.  I also have a Twitter account with more than 540 followers and growing rapidly. 

Plus, and this is the big one. I am executive producer, co-writer and co-host of “I’m With Stupid” internet radio show with a vast and diverse worldwide audience.  And, just your bad luck that this week we will be hosting our One Year Anniversary Extravaganza this weekend.  So, we will have an even bigger than usual audience for me to inform of your very unfortunate programming decisions.

In addition to that show, I have several friends who also have radio shows who I’m sure will be willing to allow me to bring my message of wholesome entertainment over vile and sick sex talk to the masses along with the very real potential of a boycott.  But, most importantly, I have my friend and lover co-host Matt-Man, who has already proven the Power of IWS.  (Clicking that link will undoubtedly wipe that smirk off your face.)

There is a real potential for disaster here Ozark’s CW.  The last thing I want to do is involve our highly experienced and aggressive Legal Team!  I think right about now would be a good time to hold a meeting and reevaluate your very poor decision to put Oprah on at 10 pm. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  Take a look at the uprisings all throughout the Middle East.  You don’t want that to happen to you do you?  THE PEOPLE WILL NOT BE DENIED! 

I hope that this matter can be resolved without any further actions that might result in hard feelings.  I know you want to do the right thing.