London 2012 Summer Olympics...A Preview of Golden, Silver, and Bronzish Hospitality

Hi fans!!

IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock coming to you live from the hometown of NFL Hall of Famer and current Pittsburgh Pirates defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau, and more importantly, live feeding you something from the site of the 2012 Summer Olympics….

London, Ohio !!

I can feel the excitement building as the townsfolk in this normally quiet hamlet of 8,800 prepare to welcome the temporary, yet potentially overwhelming immigration of the world’s most gifted athletes into their tiny, yet vibrant and versatile community...

And when I asked town Father and Mayor of London, David Eades, how he felt about his community hosting the 2012 Summer Olympics, his amazement of the moment overwhelmed him, as he replied…

“I am utterly stupefied by your question, Mr. Balzcock.”

Yes folks, to not only the residents of this town, but to the Mayor himself, hosting the London 2012 Summer Olympics is beyond words.

Anyhoo…

As we (as does former Salt Lick City Winter Olympics organizer Mitt Rommey) all know, logistics are the key to any well-run Olympics, and the denizens of London, Ohio are well-prepared on the housing front for the thousands of athletes that will dead lift them, poll vault over them, and 100-Yard dash right through them.

They have dusted up the London Olympic Village and it looks great…

Being always vigilant and anticipating an overflow crowd of athletes, the town has bargained to gain additional boarding if needed at one of the two locally housed state prisons…

Of course, while a good rest is important to a world-class athlete, when competing in the Olympics, food is the fuel that drives the well-tuned engine of any sword player, breast stroker, or Greco-Romanian wrestler, and all will be well-fed within the delicious confines of the official dining hall of the London 2012 Summer Olympics…

And listen all you equestrians…If you are in a bind and/or bridle before your dressage run, take your horse to Dixie’s, because while they advertise dog grooming, I’m sure they can put a sexy flair into your steed’s tail, and looks never hurt anyone when being judged…Not even a horse.

And there you have it IWS readers, a bit of a more personal and homespun preview of this year’s London 2012 Summer Olympics.

I am sure I will have an update or two as the games go on as I report on Mister Gold Medal and pothead Michael Phipps, and the sure to be everyone’s black darling of gymnistics, Gabby Douglas.

And let me tell you folks, there is something that rivals the London 2012 Summer Olympics going on at the same time in London, Ohio...

I don't know how a town this size handles all of this magic at once, but they do, and they are, and because of that, they are all Gold Medal winners!!

Until my next London 2012 Summer Olympics update…

This is Slyder Balzcock leaving it all on the field…and the track, and headed for the Olympic podium.

USA!!  USA!!  USA!!

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

One Has To Love Oneself In Order To Love Others

Last night Jayman and I were talking on Twitter about trying to make the IWS website a more profound and respectable place.

After our conversation, as it was my turn to write, and with no topic on hand, I said to myself…

“Dumbass, let’s just change course and make that dream happen.”

Jay and I often take the time, and more specifically your time, to publicly whine, bitch, and “let it all go” in a negative way, so I thought that today?

I’d write about what makes me happy. Join me, won’t you?  I hope you do…

I love the smell of bacon frying.  I especially love the smell of bacon frying when it’s my BFF/OSP Schmoop, doing the frying of said bacon.

When Schmoop is frying bacon, and I am at my computer, I can hear her from the kitchen, in a joyful, and carefree, lilting tone, half-singing and half-humming an incoherent nonsense song…it’s relaxing.

In fact it would even be hotter and more joyful, if she were frying it naked, but my joy would quickly turn to sorrow, as I heard her lilting tones turn to screams of pain and anguish as the bacon grease little by little, scarred her exposed body.

I really enjoy taking a shower.  In the shower, I am alone, and can sing at the top of my lungs and there is not a critic in the house.  And it’s nice as well, that I can re-live the magic of having had sex with a different former girlfriend with each new shower.  And?  Even ponder some future trysts.

You know what else I like?

Talking to God about giving me the strength to tell my BFF/OSP this publicly, and for even joking about thinking of other women while I was in the shower.  It brings the Almighty and I closer together…on a daily basis no less.  I like that, and Praise Jeebus!!

I love how people shower my partner in crime, Jayman, with cascades of praise as to how sweet he is.  I too love him for that, and in a couple of years, I will love Jayman and the money I make off of him even more, when I release my book…

“Jayman Unleashed:  The Direct Messages To, and Private Phone Calls He Had, with Matt-Man”

Even though over the next week I will be working 62 hours at the Beer Mine, I am happy to see the owner get away for a desperately needed vacation, however what I am really happen to see happen, is the, Buy One, Get One Free Sale that I’ll be running while he’s gone for a week.

Oh yeah Bitches, I’ll be moving some product out the door of the Beer Mine starting this Saturday!! And why?  Because I love.

And love is what I am all about…

Yeah bitches, the Love.

Annnnnd…If you wanna hear some love on Blog Talk Radio…You need to listen to the show that Jayman and I did with Nicole Russin yesterday on the IWS Radio Show.

We talked vegans; we talked sausages (realistic and otherwise); we talked Wal*Mart; we talked cupcakes, bigots, and SPAM.  Oh My!!

We covered it all, and you can catch it all right here in archives:

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com

@mattmaniws

Who Wants To Take a Ride on My Menstrual Cycle?

Hi all you summertime, taint-sweatin' boys, and moist, canoe-bailin’ babes out there…

Kim Fragile here for I’m With Stupid, and Wow..!!

It has been quite awhile since I’ve chimed in on the IWS website.

For those of you who may not know me, my name is Kim Fragile pronounced (Frah-Jee-Lee) like in Christmas Story, and I am a roving correspondent for IWS.  Oh yeah bitches…this chick can not only rove, but correspondent as well.  Snap!!

Anyhoo…

The reason I have been away for so long is that lately, it seems that I have two periods a month that last 17 days each, which on one hand, blowin’ chowder out my hoo-ha for 34 days a month is impressive as it defies the laws of our calendar, but it also, in a word…

VERY MUCH SUCKS!!

Hell my uterus hates me so much that during my second 17 day period back in February, it bled for 18 days because it knew it was a leap year!!  That’s just wrong.  Damn wrong.

Now you lovely ladies out there know of what I speak, but you guys?  Pfffffft.  You don’t know shit.

Like the other day on the IWS Radio Show.  Jayman was whining about his hemorrhoids.  Big frickin’ deal. Oh you have some discomfort?  Awwwww, you have ruby red, sanguine filled sacs of blood drooping from your ass, baby?

What a fucking shame, because every time I turn around, it seems that my uterus thinks it’s Halloween and little hemo-goblins come charging out of my lady parts after stealing all my treats!!

In all fairness to Jayman…when I am at IWS World Headquarters and suffering the curse, he is always nice to me.  He buys me ice cream, chocolate, and lovingly waxes my burgeoning pre-menopausal mustache.  I just don't understand why Jayman insists on being naked when he does that.  Hmmm?

Matt-Man on the other hand?

All he ever does is shake his head, chuckle, and ask, “How’s the ferret, Kim?  Still puking?”

God he’s an asshole.

And then there is also the pre-menstrual bloat.

Two to three days before I start, which is always one day before my previous one ends, I swell up like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.  Oh sure the scale may say 127, but the mirror and my vanity know that I actually weigh 1,127 pounds!!

Fucking Eve…had to bite into the apple, dintcha Bitch?  Uuch.

If you were alive today, I’d smack you harder than the Devil ever could.

And because of the frequency and duration of the breachings of my female levee, I have something REALLY important to say…

“Hey uterus, I would like to have sex more than once in a great while if you don’t mind, but noooooo…you have to show me and the world how fertile and/or fucked up you are.”

Sometimes, I think screw it; this is never going to end, so I think to myself…” Damn the projectile clots, I’ll have sex anyway.”, and then I think…

If a sexy man did want to have sex with me while my sugar walls were being shed, I would have to warn him by saying…

“Hey big sexy man, I’m all yours, but keep in mind that the Yoshi Blade wielding Japanese chef inside of my hoo-ha may turn your Johnsonville brat into shredded beef.”

Uuch…Being a woman is such a pain in the rose petals, but…I am Kim Fragile, and I will continue to persevere, to roam, and most importantly, to correspondent.

Until next time…which may or may not be the day after this one ends, if it ever does...

Zoooooves!!

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

IWS Babe of the Week: Eva Green, Dark Shadows Hotness

Cheers, and Happy Post Cinco de Kentucky Derby, Chuckleheads!!

This week for the IWS Babe of the Week, we have chosen a chick that could make both Pancho Villa and Kentucky Derby winner, I'll Have Another, weak in the knees.  One, Miss Soon to be 32 year old French Actress Eva Green...

There only thing green about her, is that she hails from France.  Other than that, she is raven haired and sultry...

Eva Green's eyes are killer blue which is good because she can get a good view of Johnny Depp as they star together in this week's release of Dark Shadows...

And in Dark Shadows, while portraying hot seductress Angelique Bouchard, Eva Green looks good in blonde tresses as well...

Kick me, claw me, and bite me Eva Green, I want to be undead and locked inside The Bastille with you.

And if you'd like to be undead today, listen to Jayman and Matt-Man on I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio live at Noon ET.

They are going to bitchin' about what drives them nuts with people today on their GET OFF MY LAWN Show.

To listen click HERE and of course, you can always call-in and bitch with them at 661.244.9852.

Brock Lee...Sexy Vegan Man

Hello friends of I’m With Stupid.

Brock Lee here for I’m With Stupid and I am the new IWS Vegan Correspondent.

Allow me to tell you…even though Jayman and Matt-Man are set in their carnivorous ways to the nth degree, they are proving their openness to all lifestyles and life choices, by hiring me.

They met me at a market in Chinatown as I was feeling up the Bok Choy, and asked me…

“Do you really like that shit, or are you trying to be trendy and ergo, pick up hippie chicks?”

I told those two beefeaters, as I chuckled in a devil-may-care way…“Hee, oh my”…I can’t believe my non-lizard-like tongue said that, but I continued…

“While I am not averse to laying artificially and superficially with hippie chicks, I eat nothing that contains animal or animal by-products.  I like my food raw and animal-free, you nutsy guys, you.”

And yes…I truly said that to Jay and Matt, and for some reason I was jubilant when I uttered that.  Hee!! Anywhey…

After a bit of small talk about legumes, they asked me to hop aboard the I’m With Stupid train because even though they may over indulge once I awhile, they want, and want you as well, to live a healthy lifestyle, because, as they say…

“Two dead radio hosts with an audience chock full of dead listeners, leads to one thing and one thing only…myocardial ratings infarction.”

And seriously, who wants that on their hands?  NOT THIS GUY!!  Hee.

So…I am going to be here every so often…or is that, ever so often, I don’t know…I know vegan, not English. Hee!!

Anywhey…

I will be here once in awhile in order to help Jay, Matt, and you, the beloved readers and listeners of IWS, choose healthy alternatives to your meat eating, colon-disintegrating lifestyles.

Likey for instance…did you know that you can make a delicious hamburger out of black beans and mushrooms?

You can taste the magic of a Sunday morning brunch using egg beaters and popsicle sticks.

You can in fact, sample the meaty delights of a Tuscan dinner by substituting the ground beef or sausage in your spaghetti with wheat germ and asbestos.

In fact, I call my asbestos pasta dish, MesotheliomaGAWD!!  Yes, it’s that good.

Some people give asbestos a bad name, but its better for you than eating Elsie and/or Piglet.

Anywhey, I feel blessed by God All Her Mighty that I have this forum on which to speak, so that I may give you tips that will prolong your life and make you a fortress against germs and….excuse me, I am feeling faint, I don’t know what it is, but I am sure its not a lack of protein…so hush.

Okay, I just ingested a rose petal and I am fine now.  See?  The healing power of the vegan lifestyle in action.

Anywhey, I hope that I can one day convince you that we should one day live as God intended.

To live in a garden wearing nothing but our pale skin, while eating nothing but "good for you" fruit full of temptation and molted snake skin.

Until we do that, how can we ever hope to be free and find eternal peace?

Yours in a World That Eats Nothing with Eyes,

Brock

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Matt Said...Jay Said XXXV

Matt Puhuu.  Jay Puhuu.  You, Kuunnella.

Matt:  You’ve reached the Immaturity Help-Line, how may I direct your childish call?
Jay:  Hey there TUFF GUY.
Matt:  How you doin’, you BAD ASS, you?
Jay:  Man, who knew what a draft dodging pussy Ted Nugent was and is?
Matt:  Ha Ha…Wait for it…
Jay and Matt:  WE DID!!

Matt:  Poor tough guy Ted.
Jay:  Yeah.  The Motor City Fancy Boy couldn’t show up for Vietnam, but he did for our website.
Matt:  And for that, we are eternally grateful.
Jay:  Or something.

Matt:  Hey did you see that we have been getting hits from NBC Universal out of NYC?
Jay:  Oh hell yes I did.  They probably want to make a sitcom out of us being internet radio stars.
Matt:  Probably, but we are so above that type of mindless, ghetto tripe.
Jay:  We are?
Matt:  No, not really.
Jay:  Maybe it’s Tamron Hall who is checking us out.
Matt:  In my fantasy life I think you are right, and I just got a boner.
Jay:  I’d prefer you keep your erection updates to yourself.

Matt:  You know what I can’t keep to myself?
Jay:  What’s that, your self-loathing?
Matt:  No, no, no…They way we were viciously attacked as being immature, 12 year old boys this week.
Jay:  Ohhhh, no kiddin’!!  I have spent the week re-examining my inner-self after that, and I’m still pissed.
Matt:  Same here.
Jay:  We should address this beyond the website.
Matt:  Someone needs to go down for that incalcitrant remark.

Jay:  I mean…that observation holds no weight.
Matt:  IKR?  And dig it.  I was chatting with a hot babe and she said that she is taking a bath now so she can listen to our show while clean and shiny.
Jay:  That’s sweet, but she’ll need another one after listening to us.
Matt:  You know what would be really hot?
Jay:  Ha Ha…wait for it…
Matt and Jay:  IF SHE LISTENED TO US WHILE TAKING A BATH!!

Jay:  Anyhoodle, on Sunday’s show, we need to answer these charges about being all immature n’shit.
Matt:  I agree.  Because we both know we can be funny and still address serious issues logically.
Jay:  Damn straight, and thus, the show is scheduled and I titled it, “But Seriously Folks”
Matt:  That is brilliant, and…quite mature.
Jay:  Thank You.
Matt:  You’re welcome and I will see you on the radio Sunday at Noon ET on I’m With Stupid.
Jay:  Damn right you will, and the blasphemer is going to get a more than public dressing down.
Matt:  Word.

Join us Sunday at Noon ET on IWS on Blog Talk Radio.  We will be defending our honor and maturity, and hope you listen and call-in to help us.

Cheers!!

Jenna Talackova Naked!! Heidi Montag Naked!! Donald Trump Naked!!

Y’know folks…something disturbing happened yesterday.

I, the Matt-Man, the man of a thousand quotes, queries, and quantitative physics problems rolling around in my head at any given time was called…

“A twelve year old.”

In fact my friends, and lovers of all things I’m With Stupid related, the exact quote was this…

“I think both you and Jay are a couple of dudes with the sense of humor of twelve year old boy.”

After three minutes of loudly feigning expressing my outrage, and correcting her quantitative grammar problem, I bellowed to the loquitur of said character impugnment:

“I am not a twelve year old boy, and my humor is always on the cutting edge.”

What I really wanted to say was, in my best impersonation of the Crazy World of Arthur Brown:

“I am the God of hell fire and I bring you fire…”  and continue on in my Al Sharpton voice by saying:

“Oh look at you…you gots the blueberries alllll over your face.”  But…

I didn’t.  For that would be juvenile.

So instead, I attacked her accusatory statement by using simple, everyday logic with the following diatribe…

Listen…

You act like Jayman and I are nothing but a couple of heathens who want nothing more than to score cheap hits on our website by posting tawdry pictures of hot babes that are labeled with their name followed by, “naked”, or “sexy”, or “boobies”.

If that were the case, I would post a picture of the new transgender Miss Universe contestant from Canada, Jenna Talackova like this one:

And then, would label it with her name and add something like, “naked, hot, sexy” to it, which I did, but only to illustrate a point.

I am all for former men being invited to participate in Donald Trump’s Miss Universe pageant.  Does that sound like the attitude of a twelve year old?

Uh-huh…I didn’t think so...and just like I asked Donald Trump on Twitter last night…

“Does she have camel toe?”

Tell a twelve year old to come up with that line of humor.  Word.

See?  Jayman and I, are men of sophisticated tastes, humor, and upbringing.

You’ll never catch me making fun of stroke-ridden Dick Clark by saying, “Happy Doo Year” and then miscounting down to the New Year.

You’ll never hear Jayman uttering, “Trick or Treating in the projects would suck.”

Nope.  We are far more sophisticated than that.  Far more sophisticated than a twelve year old boy.

We don’t make wee-wee jokes, poopie jokes, or hoo-ha jokes.

We simply tell it like it is, and we do not, and will not post cheap pictures like this:

Because, well…it isn’t right.

Instead, we write on this site and turn in high performance shows like the one we did yesterday…

Jayman and I discussed what was in our local newspapers and had a heck of a good time doing so, as our fave Kentucky Jew, Sweet Pea, called in.

You can catch the hilarious show in the archives here:

And remember, as a cutting edge comedic person without the sense of humor of twelve year old, I also do not find it funny when I am watching TV and a commercial for Siemens comes on.

Trust me, I do not laugh at Siemens commercials, nor would I title this post in a manner simply to attract readers.  I'm not a frickin' twelve year old for Godssakes.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man