Hello thee…Your favorite joke telling, Amish girl, Hannah Stoltzfus here for I’m With Stupid.Seems we have some Amish bitterness going on here in Holmes County Ohio. Yes, indeedly.
A leader of a breakaway Amish sect lookeths down upon our traditional Amish grooming habits and has begun to wield what I call…The Scissors of Satan.
You see, we Amish, once we are married, allow our to hair growwwww…lonnnnnnnng.
Amish husbands let their beards grow until they look like Chaz Bono’s armpits and we nuptialized Amish women let our hair grow longer than the nether region follicles on Rosie O’Donnell’s private place.
Well thee, the leader of the breakaway sect and his followers don‘t appreciate that, and have been riding around on horses and doing trot-by hair cuttings on some of our flock.
No cow dung my friends, they are forcibly holding down married Amish men and women and shearing off our annoyingly long beards and floor sweeping length hair.
It’s as if Edward Scissorhands smoked some crack, rented a mule, and went on a sixty Mennonite hair removal rampage.
We are distressed…and some of us, sadly, are de-tressed. Hee.
The irony of the entire situation is that the name of the leader of the breakaway, hair hating group is…
Sam MULLETHa!! While I am but a simple Amish girl in danger of losing my beautiful hair to a rouge, misguided man, with a frenetic pair of Fiskars, I find that fucking funny. Oh my…
God forgiveth me for my foul mouth.
The entire situation really is terrible, but perhaps not for the reasons you would think. Here’s the thing…
Mullet Man being Amish, does not use electric powered beard trimmers and clippers. He unfortunately remains true to his Amish dogma during his heretictrolysis and utilizes solar powered instruments.
Last week, while performing a forcible shorning on my cousin Ezekiel, God’s Heavens turned cloudy, the clippers died, and Ezzy ended up looking like he had been shaved by Stevie Wonder.
It…was…gruesome.
Anywayeth…
I hope these trot-by shavings stop, because if we Amish lose our cool, trademark look of long hair and long beards, thee will come to realize that we are nothing more than a bunch of losers selling over-priced string cheese, and kitschy shit out of an off-the-beaten-path, convenience store.
And if that were to happen, it would give me, as Jayman and Matt-Man say on the radio which I don’t listen to, Heartache.
God Bless Thee, and here’s to long beautiful hair (sorry Matt-Man),
Hannah
As I don't have internet access, please direct all inquiries to Matt-Man @:
No comments:
Post a Comment