Hola y’all! Mitt Romney here! I’m fresh off my spectacular victory in the Florida primary last night. I racked up 47% of the vote which is an amazing coincidence because not only have I changed my stance on 47% of the issues we’ve discussed so far, but if you use “Mitt Math” I paid 47% of my income in taxes last year. Only a truly great American such as myself would pay that much.
I just wanted to let everyone know where we go from here. And, I’ll do it while reading from notes printed out by a member of my staff like a real American would not off a teleprompter like an America-hating Christian-bashing loser would. And, I’ll do it while staying positive and not engaging in any name calling like secret Muslims who wants to destroy everything great about America would.
Don’t worry, I’ll keep this short. I’ve got my dog tied up to a fence outside with a six inch leash and it’s raining heavily. But, he can take it. And, speaking of how much I love my dog and other animals, I want to address some scurrilous things that have been said about me lately.
Chief among these is that somehow, I’m being presented as someone who looks down on people who haven’t worked hard like I have to make myself into something from nothing and are much less successful than me. Worst of all, these people are claiming that I hate poor people! Now this really hurts. I don’t hate poor people. Everyone who works for me is poor. And, I love all of them dearly.
If you look at my record in that state I was governor of that I won’t actually name because it’s a very liberal state that follows very liberal policies and has low unemployment, almost universal healthcare and best in the nation schools. I’m opposed to ALL of the policies that resulted in all those good numbers, even if they were mine. But, I do want to point out that as governor I passed a plan that resulted in poor people having access to healthcare.
A plan that was so damn good, that President Obama used it as the model for ObamaCare. And, as president, I’ll repeal that bill. After repeal people with preexisting conditions will immediately be tossed off their insurance plans and all those poor people who were about to have access to insurance no longer will. Trust me these people will be so much happier this way. Honestly, it’s a matter of pride for most of them.
Folks, I keep saying that this is a battle for the Soul of America. I know it’s a strange thing for someone with no soul to say, but I really do believe it. I just honestly think we can do so much better. We can return America to greatness! We can make our military great again! We can slash taxes on everybody except working people! We can cut all this ridiculous spending on lazy-ass people who are just living off government handouts! And by cutting taxes dramatically, especially on rich people, and raising defense spending big time, we will of course, balance the budget.
And what’s really great about it folks, is that it will be painless. We can do it all without one bit of sacrifice on your part. All you have to do is just kick back and let the greatness happen. How awesome is that? Obama promises nothing but pain and sacrifice. He thinks Americans should do silly things like “work together” and “take care of each other” and other bullpoop ideas. Well, I’m here to tell ya folks, it just doesn’t have to be that way.
Won’t it be wonderful when I, Mitt Romney, am president and you no longer have any responsibilities? Won’t it be wonderful when nothing is expected of you? Yes it will.
Austerity is just another word for paradise.
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