Cheeeeeers Chuckleheads!!
As you may or may not know, July is National Hot Dog Month here in these manifested and destined states of ours, so it is only fitting that I speak today about one of my dreams in life.
Something that I the Matt-Man, would love to make come to fruition. I want to be able to someday say…
“I own the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.”
Let me tell you something folks…I have always wanted to own that smooth riding wiener. And if I did..?
It would no longer be known as the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. It would simply be known as, Matt-Man’s Wiener.
Oh Dear God!! I would have such fun tooling town around with my huge and sporty looking wiener, as the townsfolk gawk in amusement and amazement at my gigantic, smooth handling wiener.
From the North Side to the South Side, to the East Side to the West Side, Bagwine denizens would know that Matt-Man’s wiener is, The Ride.
It would be fun to drive through town and with my wiener, lovingly tap the rear end of every hot chick driving a car.
Or pull up to some punk in a hot old Camaro at a stop light, and yell across the lane…
“Hey dude? Wanna race? ‘Cause even though you think you can; there’s no way in Hell you’re beatin’ my wiener!!”
But it wouldn’t be all fun and games…no.
With my wiener in my possession and my hands firmly in control, comes responsibility, and of course, risk.
I would dread taking my wiener to the grocery, for I know damn well, that some oblivious and self absorbed asshole will carelessly allow their grocery cart to slam into the side of my wiener and leave a mark on my wiener.
Oh sure I’ll take my wiener home and wash it and wax it hoping the mark comes out, but…Oy!! I just hope somebody doesn’t dent my wiener.
If they did, I would have to apply bondo to my wiener and then ultimately sand and paint my wiener, so it would once again be as smooth and lovely as the day I got it.
I would also take precious care of my wiener.
I would religiously take it to my personal grease monkey, and say things like…
“I need you to change the oil in my wiener, and could you check my wiener’s alignment? I was driving my girlfriend home the other night and she said that my wiener felt like it was pulling to the left. It was really making her uncomfortable.
Also…sometimes it’s hard to get my wiener started so check the battery as well. In fact, as my wiener sometimes runs a little hot, just give my entire wiener a thorough looking over. While you work on my wiener, I’ll just hang out here and eat a bagel.
Oh and check out the crankshaft…as it has gotten older, it seems to be making some funny noises.”
See folks? I have a dream. A dream to own an American icon…my beloved wiener.
Oh sure…Some of you may think of me as one to succumb to pipedreams, and to be a dork, a dick, or a bonehead, but let me say something…
When I make this dream happen, and am driving my wiener into every nook and cranny of America, and graciously allow you to take a spin upon it, you will be saying…
“Damn that Matt-Man; he is a great American, and by God do I love his wiener!!”
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws
As you may or may not know, July is National Hot Dog Month here in these manifested and destined states of ours, so it is only fitting that I speak today about one of my dreams in life.
Something that I the Matt-Man, would love to make come to fruition. I want to be able to someday say…
“I own the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.”
It would no longer be known as the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. It would simply be known as, Matt-Man’s Wiener.
Oh Dear God!! I would have such fun tooling town around with my huge and sporty looking wiener, as the townsfolk gawk in amusement and amazement at my gigantic, smooth handling wiener.
From the North Side to the South Side, to the East Side to the West Side, Bagwine denizens would know that Matt-Man’s wiener is, The Ride.
It would be fun to drive through town and with my wiener, lovingly tap the rear end of every hot chick driving a car.
Or pull up to some punk in a hot old Camaro at a stop light, and yell across the lane…
“Hey dude? Wanna race? ‘Cause even though you think you can; there’s no way in Hell you’re beatin’ my wiener!!”
But it wouldn’t be all fun and games…no.
With my wiener in my possession and my hands firmly in control, comes responsibility, and of course, risk.
I would dread taking my wiener to the grocery, for I know damn well, that some oblivious and self absorbed asshole will carelessly allow their grocery cart to slam into the side of my wiener and leave a mark on my wiener.
Oh sure I’ll take my wiener home and wash it and wax it hoping the mark comes out, but…Oy!! I just hope somebody doesn’t dent my wiener.
If they did, I would have to apply bondo to my wiener and then ultimately sand and paint my wiener, so it would once again be as smooth and lovely as the day I got it.
I would also take precious care of my wiener.
I would religiously take it to my personal grease monkey, and say things like…
“I need you to change the oil in my wiener, and could you check my wiener’s alignment? I was driving my girlfriend home the other night and she said that my wiener felt like it was pulling to the left. It was really making her uncomfortable.
Oh and check out the crankshaft…as it has gotten older, it seems to be making some funny noises.”
See folks? I have a dream. A dream to own an American icon…my beloved wiener.
Oh sure…Some of you may think of me as one to succumb to pipedreams, and to be a dork, a dick, or a bonehead, but let me say something…
When I make this dream happen, and am driving my wiener into every nook and cranny of America, and graciously allow you to take a spin upon it, you will be saying…
“Damn that Matt-Man; he is a great American, and by God do I love his wiener!!”
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws
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