The Ritual of Stupid

Cheers Bitches!!  This is a well-rested Matt-Man coming at you on this glorious Friday.

I know, I know.  I can hear some of you saying, “It’s about time today’s post was up, asshole.”

Well, I fell asleep early last night.  I don’t mean that I went to bed early.  Noooo.  I was on the couch after devouring a couple of delicious Schmoop Burgers and the next thing I know, it’s 3:36 AM and the Matt-Man has to pee.

Yep, after a an exhausting day and indeed entire week of work at the Beer Mine, I simply fell asleep early.

From last Friday to when I leave the Beer Mine tonight at 9, I will have put in 69 hours over that span.

I know, I know.  I can hear some of you saying...


“Poor Matty-Boy, suck it up asshole.  People drive through, you get them their beer, and they drive off.  How the hell hard can that be fancy boy?”

If only it were that easy…if only it were.

First of  all prior to people getting their beer and driving off, there is an incredibly mentally draining ritual that takes place.

First the customer says to me, “I don’t know what I want.”

The consumer then has to do some comparative shopping by asking the price on every Goddamn item in the damn place.

After deciding, my skin crawls as I hear from said consumer, “Let me see if I have any money.”

After finding their money, I tell them that it comes to $22.67, I get their shit, bring it to them, and am always met with the same question…

“How much did you say that was again?”

As they slowly and methodically pull bills from their wallet and then finish their conversation with their passenger, I am finally handed $22.00, and then I hear…

“I know I got sixty-seven cents in here somewhere.”

Seven cars backed up behind the car in question later, I am handed a sixty-seven cent combination of hot dimes, sticky nickels, and Canadian pennies.

I go to the register to put the money in it and they begin to drive off, however; when I come back out, I find that they have stopped and I hear…

“Hey, I didn’t see that you had chips.  I want some chips but I don’t know which ones…”

And 15 cars backed up behind the car in question later, the entire ritual begins anew.

Take me now Jesus, take me now…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

Glenn Beck is an Asshole and So is Sean Hannity...And? You Are Too, At Times

Yesterday, Jayman did a post about how each and every person should be him or herself, and should go all the way, and how perhaps, he and I should go “all the way” during our radio show.

The following is one comment among many that his treatise received…

“I've always assumed y'all were going for the Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Howard Stern (throwing that last one in there just to appease y'all) type "shock" radio. Intentionally and knowingly over the top.”

--Dana

As Jayman wrote the post, I did not respond to Dana’s comment, so I will now, as we conclude our week of angst and philosophical discussions here on IWS.

Is Dana serious?  Did she really think that Jay and I wanted to do a radio show based on Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity, and Stern?

First of all, our clandestine plan to take over social media went like this….

Jay:  You still want to do a radio show?
Matt:  Yeah…that’d be cool.
Jay:  Okay…let’s do it.

And thus a dream was born, and the world was never the same.

Jayman and I are nothing like those idiots.

First of all, unlike those aforementioned ass clowns, we actually are funny, and secondly, and maybe more importantly to some, we are exponentially more factual.

Jayman and I do not make shit up unless we are doing our Molotov Mocktails, which if anyone has half a brain knows we are making up.

We don’t lie; we speak the truth, and we just happen to make it so sincere and funny at times that it comes out as, “going over the top.”

Jayman and I are who we are.

We are not the right or left wingers like Hannity, Limbaugh, or Maddow who can find no fault in their own ideology, and we are not Stern, who thinks talking to a different naked woman every day for twenty years is funny.

We are just ourselves.

We are just Jayman and Matt-Man who aspire to make fun of ourselves, bad parents, politicians, anyone else in this world who fucks up with no regret, and drool over hot babes…

We are that simple, and…we are that brilliant.

Annnnnnnnd…maybe we will let loose, and won’t that be something?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Life Has Ups and Downs

Hola! How y’all doin’? Good. Man, there isn’t much going on these days. Oh sure, there’s lots happening in the world, but sometimes I just don’t give a shit. You know what I mean? Yeah, I figured you did. So, once again I’ll just meander a bit.

Last week I was at the store buying a few necessities. I got a green pepper, an onion, a can of crushed tomatoes, a can of red kidney beans and some kielbasa. After scanning each of the items, the lady running the register looked at me and said “Red Beans and Rice?” I told her “Oh yeah!” and she replied that she “luuuuuuuuuuuuvs” red beans and rice.

Of course, I immediately proposed to her. Any chick that loves red beans and rice is alright with me. But, she says she isn’t into commitment and has no desire to marry anyone. I can totally respect that and appreciate her honesty. You don’t find that too often these days. Not in this economy.* Anyway, I guess I’m back to my current plan of dying alone.

Earlier today, while I was minding my own business trying to do some guerrilla marketing to push I’m With Stupid podcast I heard a golf ball bang off my neighbor’s door and then mine and then theirs again. This type of thing happens a few times a year. It’s the risks of living on a golf course here at the palatial estates.

So, I took a look out the window and saw a guy on the third tee box hitting and he had the absolute worst swing I’ve ever seen. So, while he was getting another ball out of his bag (he shanked the shot into the water) I ran and got my camera. I turned it on and was just about to video tape his hilarious swing and my camera shut off and said “change batteries.”

Man, story of my life. I go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.

Oh look! There’s that ridiculous Buick commercial starring Shaquille O’Neal? I hate that commercial. Do they really think we’re gonna believe he drives a Buick. Actually, they probably do. And, now that I think about it there probably are a bunch of people who do believe it. What a bunch of stupid idiots.

Aren’t all idiots stupid? I guess they are. I could look it up, but I’m just going to assume that an idiot is also stupid, which probably means I’m a stupid idiot too since I said it. This is actually one of my biggest fears. I make fun of people for being so stupid so much mostly because I’m afraid I’m one of ‘em. Kind of like how most men who think calling another guy “gay” is the ultimate insult are probably closet cases. Or something like that.

Damn, I’m almost at 500 words and I just now started getting deep and shit. Oh well, I’ll have to worry about that stuff some other time. Gotta keep blog posts short. I know how busy you guys all are.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

*I know that didn’t really make any sense, but I’m trying to use “not in this economy” to explain people’s actions as often as I can.