Mom, I'm Pregnant..."That's Okay Bristol; I'll Call Hannity!!"

“Abolition of a woman's right to abortion, when and if she wants it, amounts to compulsory maternity: a form of rape by the State.”

Edward Abbey

I hate abortion arguments, because nobody ever does or will agree, however…there is a part of the argument, that sets me off on so many philosophical tangents, that I feel compelled to invoke more than a few words.

The abortion issue has to, and while a small part of abortions, involve the issue of rape, so let’s examine that small part of abortions on a greater philosophical bent, shall we..?

Because, when one does…It makes the entire anti-choice argument, a big fucking piece of stupid.

Many fervent, pro-Christian groups, anti-abortionist institutions, and people like Mitt Romney (today, anyway) say…

“Birth that baby, Bitch.  Even though you were raped, you will receive baubles in Heaven.”

I find it funny, odd, and just down right stupid, that “conservative” Republicans tend to like laws that prohibit abortion, even when rape is involved.

I had a back and forth with a chick on Twitter the other day and she claims to want the aforementioned type of state and went on to say, “No Baby Killed.”…Mother raped or not.

Really?

Hell, I had unprotected sex with this chick in High School, and I am still trying to get my dignity back, but if there were a way, I’d more than certainly abort my lack of self-esteem.

But seriously…

The chick I was talking to on Twitter, she went on to say that if she was raped, she would carry the child to term.  I don’t believe her, but nonetheless…her attitude is to me, kinda fucking wacky.

And well, it could be that kinda public Jesus attitude that one puts on for others and causes them to say things like…

“I hate baby killers; I hate people who don’t go to church; I hate people who don’t pronounce their love for their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." and do it on a daily basis and in a very public forum.

Oy…

Theoretically, God wants all men and women to have free will, however...

In the fucked up, born-again, and well-versed…

Sarah Palin my daughter got pregnant and so should you, type world…

A woman is doing God’s work by birthing a baby against her free will or the infant’s free will, and of course never asking…

“Where is the free-will that God so supremely rained down upon us?”

Sadly, within the familial train wreck that are the Palins and many others, it doesn’t exist, and/or too often, at least in the case of Bristol, her free will does exist.

Confused?

Yeah, me too, and here’s the thing…

Sarah and Bristol Palin, and others of their ilk are whores…"Christian" whores who believe what you believe, is a sin if it doesn't conform to what they believe, and yet…

They will Whore of Babylon themselves out to any media outlet that will allow it, all the while speaking on pro-life issues based around a fat ass Alaskan chick who got her hoo-ha forever disheveled and disfigured by a bowling ball-type sized of a bastard out of wedlock, and barely out of High School, and the igloo type thing.

Ironic, no?

For right or wrong...people get pregnant.  And whenever people are involved, error exists.

God understands that, and God gave us one and all the power to decide what is right and wrong.

God would never punish a person for having an abortion if the person thought it was the right thing to do, but he may however, punish a person for making money off His name by a chick getting drunk on “wine coolers”, playing the victim, and her, her mom, and others passing judgment on others.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Glenn Beck is an Asshole and So is Sean Hannity...And? You Are Too, At Times

Yesterday, Jayman did a post about how each and every person should be him or herself, and should go all the way, and how perhaps, he and I should go “all the way” during our radio show.

The following is one comment among many that his treatise received…

“I've always assumed y'all were going for the Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Howard Stern (throwing that last one in there just to appease y'all) type "shock" radio. Intentionally and knowingly over the top.”

--Dana

As Jayman wrote the post, I did not respond to Dana’s comment, so I will now, as we conclude our week of angst and philosophical discussions here on IWS.

Is Dana serious?  Did she really think that Jay and I wanted to do a radio show based on Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity, and Stern?

First of all, our clandestine plan to take over social media went like this….

Jay:  You still want to do a radio show?
Matt:  Yeah…that’d be cool.
Jay:  Okay…let’s do it.

And thus a dream was born, and the world was never the same.

Jayman and I are nothing like those idiots.

First of all, unlike those aforementioned ass clowns, we actually are funny, and secondly, and maybe more importantly to some, we are exponentially more factual.

Jayman and I do not make shit up unless we are doing our Molotov Mocktails, which if anyone has half a brain knows we are making up.

We don’t lie; we speak the truth, and we just happen to make it so sincere and funny at times that it comes out as, “going over the top.”

Jayman and I are who we are.

We are not the right or left wingers like Hannity, Limbaugh, or Maddow who can find no fault in their own ideology, and we are not Stern, who thinks talking to a different naked woman every day for twenty years is funny.

We are just ourselves.

We are just Jayman and Matt-Man who aspire to make fun of ourselves, bad parents, politicians, anyone else in this world who fucks up with no regret, and drool over hot babes…

We are that simple, and…we are that brilliant.

Annnnnnnnd…maybe we will let loose, and won’t that be something?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Dennis Miller Cowardly Asshole...Cha Cha

“The coward wretch whose hand and heart, can bear to torture aught below; is ever first to quail and flee, from the slightest pain, or equal foe.”

--Bertrand Russell

Boy I tell ya…Bert was one smart muthafu----shut your mouth!!  Yes he was.  He was a genius, and the above quote, one of the more simplistic for him, is dead on.

I have encountered many examples of this type of cowardly behavior of late, and by golly, the Twitter activity I experienced this past Sunday evening, compels me today, to write upon this very subject…

Cowardice.

I love the phrase, “Social Media”.  It sounds so happy, so open, so inclusive, but many times, it is not.

In fact, social media venues such as blogs, Facebook, and the aforementioned Twitter, are often no more than dens for group think, group hate, and virtual sanctuaries for those who live in fear…

For those who find comfort and safety within the swaddling security of like-mindedness rather than the growth and societal awareness which comes from the back and forth of differing opinions…

For those who live with cowardice.

It’s funny, in a strange way…

There are folks in government, in entertainment, and everyday life who claim to “have all the answers” to every economic, political, and social ill that exists today, but even more cowardly than they, are those who sit behind a microphone on radio and TV, and espouse their views as pundits, strategists, and worst of all…Radio/TV Talk Show Hosts.

Talk Show hosts are the most cowardly group of individuals I have ever come across.  They are, in a word, okay three words…spineless mouth breathers.

It was about a year ago, I was Tweeting back and forth with the man who claims to never lose an argument, “talk radio King” Neal Boortz.  I responded to something he had said while he was eating dinner at a restaurant, and after a couple of tweets he said, “That’s it, you’re blocked.”

I have heard Sean Hannity say on his radio show…

“Join my, Don’t Let Your Heart Be Troubled Twitter Army.  It’s fun.  I get tweets from Liberals, to which I say, Thanks and bye-bye, I’m blocking you now.  It’s fun!!”

What the Hell is that?  That's informed debate?

Anyway…The exclamation point on the subject of non-discourse came this past Sunday when I made a comment about how unfunny a Dennis Miller tweet was, and the may or may have not been drunk Dennis Miller, actually replied to my tweet.

It led to a couple more tweets as demonstrated by the pictures.  It was fun.  He made fun of me, I of him, and then what happened?

That’s right, Mr. I Am Bill O’Reilly’s Bitch…Mr. I Came Out of the Conservative Closet in Order to Make a Living on FOX NEWS, and Mr. I Am So Damn Smart and Funny That I Got Booted From Monday Night Football, blocked me.

Dennis Miller realized Sunday night, that he wasn’t talking to a typical viewer of FOX NEWS, nor an idiot who enjoys others thinking on his or her behalf.

And because he failed to follow comedic rule number one of knowing your audience, he slipped up, showed himself to be far from a genius, and then cha-cha’ed into obscurity on my Twitter feed by blocking me….

Just as any good coward would.

I think many including Dennis Miller himself, think of him to be outside of “convention”, to be, “on the cutting edge.”

Pfffffffft….

Dennis Miller, just like Neal Boortz, FOX NEWS, Rachel Maddow, Sean Hannity, Ed Schultz, and all of the other “big-timers” is nothing of the sort.

Miller and blowhards like him, are people who seek comfort (and ratings) in like-mindedness, and eschew informed debate which doesn’t include the facts they seek from the conclusions that they have already made.

These folks, just like the choir to whom they preach, are monolithic, un-curious, and most importantly…Cowardly.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattman_iws

Ted Nugent Draft Dodger, and Well...Pussy

There are many things that tick me off in life, however, there are a couple of things that make me mad…angry…pissed off.

One of which, is when people portray themselves to be something other than who the truly are.

Oh sure, we all know phonies in our life, but we take a handful of people at their word, and then what do they do?

They let us down.

For example…

The mighty, mighty, Mr. Bad Ass, Ted Nugent, said in a not so veiled threat toward President Barack Obama, that if Obama is reelected, “I will either be dead, or in jail.”

Now…to the untrained eye, that may seem to be a sincere, bad ass threat toward our President, however, to folks who truly know Ted Nugent, that statement is pretty fucking funny, because, well…

Ted Nugent is the biggest pussy in the world.

Oh sure, he proclaims himself to be Lord High Lover and Protector of the Constitution and a rah-rah rock star for the Second Amendment, but the soon to be 64 year old is nothing more than, an aging purveyor of hypocrisy and self-aggrandizement.

In other words…since Tommy Shaw showed Ted Nugent up in his last band, Damn Yankees, Theodore Nugent has been scouring the Earth for relevance and validation.

And, just like many folks who aren’t worth a shit, Ted Nugent found his validation in the form of FOX News and specifically, Sean Hannity.

In fact, overheard in D.C. eateries, have been conversations between Sean Hannity and Nugent arguing over which of them has the wettest pussy. But I digress…

Anyhoo, I make these claims about Ted Nugent being a draft dodging sissy, and you ask, “Matt-Man?  Why for do you level these charges?”

Because Ted Nugent is a draft dodging sissy…and back in the 70’s he made no bones about it.  He literally shit and un-hygiened himself out of the draft, and was so damn proud of it, he gave an interview about it.

What a trooper…

Mr. Bad Ass, Motor City Mad Man, it turns out, is nothing more than a Motor City Mary.

Ol’ Ted Nugent was available for the draft during the years while the Vietnam War was going on, but Mr. Pussy Scratch Fever sought deferments.

Mr. I Will Shoot Anything to Feed My Family was too askeered to have it out with short, slant-eyed game that fired back, so...he greased his guns, refused to fire, and like a chick who just got fucked by a fellow meth addict, did the Sunday morning walk of shame.

Mr. I Am Touting My Skills As a Hunter in Order to Make Up for My Lack of Personal and Patriotic Duties, makes videos claiming to be a “real American” who needs not the government, and yet, loves America.

Y’know, puss boy…

All you do, is bloat your skinny ass chest out, try to hide your inadequacies as a man, and hold on to a persona that you have created over 40 years.

You’re not a tough guy.  You’re far from being a patriot…and you, my pathetic wisp of a man, are a coward.

The only thing larger than life on you , is your ego.

I hope that fact puts ya in a stranglehold, puss boy.

Cheers!!

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattman_iws

P.S.  I hope he answers this post, or at least his press agent Linda Petersen does.  If anybody does answer this, it will probably be Linda, because I'm sure she has a bigger dick than Ted.

Apology NOT Accepted, Nor Wanted!!

Yesterday, Jayman wrote about a growing trend that is negatively affecting this great nation of ours…

Men crying in public.

And today?

I would like to pontificate on a trend that like public man-sobbing, is further leading to the utter wussification of our once great nation:

Demanding an apology.

Now, I’m not talking about people who are close…people who are friends and/or lovers demanding an apology from one and other.  Noooooooo, not at all.

That type of apology is sometimes necessary, heartfelt, and oft times can avoid a sex embargo being placed on the committer of the alleged transgression by the one feeling erred upon.

No my friends, I am speaking about a person, groups of people, and organizations demanding apologies from people who say something that goes against their ideology, or cause, or campaign.

People and groups demanding apologies from another who didn’t even utter whatever the words were that sent the offended person or group into an apoplectic fit of feigned moral outrage.

It seems to happen with regularity these days.  Hell, I can relate several recent examples from this past month.

Sandra Fluke, the Georgetown law student who testified before a less-than-official Congressional Committee panel, bemoaned the fact that she can’t afford to purchase birth control pills, and that somehow or other they should be made available to her.

Rush Limbaugh jumped all over her like a talk show host revved up on Oxycontin and Viagra, by demanding video of her exploits using tax payer provided birth control and calling her a prostitute.

Cue the feigned moral outrage from women’s groups, the Democrat Party, and even President Obama who checked in with her.  They all demanded an apology from El Rushbo, even though his words weren’t directed at them.

Nope…The same groups who truly loathe Limbaugh and would like to see his impotent, cartoonish ass dead, demanded an apology from a man whom they detest.

Oh limp dick Rush did apologize, but that was only so his advertisers would quit leaving him…it’s not like he meant it.  So what did those groups get out of his apology?

Not a damn thing, other than the fact that the world now knows that those whiny apology seekers are a bunch of overly-sensitive busy-bodies with too much time on their hands.

Grow the fuck up.

On the other side, we have right-winger Sean Hannity demanding apologies from the Left.  Oy Vay!!

That blowhard requests more apologies than any woman I know or have ever known.  Sean not only requests apologies, she demands denouncements!!

Sean Hannity wants every bad word said about a Republican by anyone who at some point may have met President Obama, to be denounced by the President.

When is President Obama going to apologize for what Bill Maher said?  When will the Commander-in-Chief denounce what Robert DeNiro said?  When will Obama apologize and denounce what Rev. Wright has been preaching?

Sean, honey?  Shut the fuck up.

I know it’s not much of a stretch, but Sean sweetie, you are becoming less manly than Greta Van Sustern and Ann Coulter by the second.

Seriously…People demanding apologies from people who've said something that wasn’t directed at them or demanding apologies from people who didn't even speak the “offensive” remark, need to shut the hell up.

It’s really childish…It’s embarrassing...and most importantly…

It diminishes the intent, the impact, and the healing power of an apology truly given from one’s heart.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Sean Hannity, Derrick Bell, and President Obama...Stealing from Andrew Breitbart, and Killing Logic One Show at a Time

I began my Wednesday night laughing out loud and shaking my head in disbelief as I watched Sean Hannity maneuver right thinking Americans through the land mines of Liberalism as he broadcast his nightly show on FOX News.

And then, a few minutes into his show, I, like so many of his doting followers are on a nightly basis, was sucked into a svengali induced reticence much like Mildred Montag being seduced into respectful obedience by her electronic, “parlor wall” in the movie, Fahrenheit 451.

However…

I was not drawn in by a deep philosophical treatise nor a serious diatribe involving profound political thought by the block-headed, non-wedding band wearing, yet devout and happily married Catholic, Sean Hannity.

No my friends…

I was sucked in by Hannity’s typical simplistic ideological ranting as he interviewed two uncooked breakfast sausage links in the forms of the creepy and quasi-human, Ben Shapiro and Joel Pollak, who worked for the late Andrew Breitbart and continue to work as editors at breitbart.com.

What was the topic, you ask?

A topic so headline grabbing…so earth shattering…so damn, popping the lid off of the secret life that our President leads, that Hannity was teasing it all day, and the two clowns from breitbart.com warned, would eventually come out into the open.

The topic?

When President Obama was attending Harvard Law School he evidently gave a glowing speech about one, radical professor, Derrick Bell, who had been speaking out about the “hot topic” issue and “controversial” position that greater racial diversity was needed among school faculties.

And guess what?

When Obama was done speaking?  He gave the “radical” professor………..a hug.

Sean Hannity and the patriotic, never to be heard of again, undercooked sausages at deadwhatdowedonowbrietbart.com are furious…nay…OUTRAGED!!

It’s such a joke.

In spite of pictures showing Rumsfeld with Hussein, Bush walking hand in happy, oily hand with King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, which were evidently things that in their time, had to be done for political convenience, and although I found it to be incorrect policy, understand that, Obama hugging an American college professor is an outrage.

I’m sure that many of Hannity’s devotees ignore those pictures, yet spit venom over Obama sharing a man hug, not knowing what they are actually seeing…or hearing…or how it allegedly translates into a hate for America, and will say…

“I knew he was a radical…a terrorist…a Muslim.”

Gimme a break.  This story, and childish, partisan hit pieces like it, are as earth shattering as the sun coming up in the morning.

Hannity doesn’t get it…and in the same light, neither do Rachel Maddow, Keith Olbermann, Neal Boortz, Rush Limbaugh, nor the scavengers of the dead at breitbart.  (Or rather, unfortunately, and sadly, they do.)

Those talking heads have some of the most vast and devoted audiences on radio and TV, and yet, they are playing to crowds that while devoted, are none too bright, or more diplomatically said, intellectually uncurious.

Neither the hosts nor their audiences seem open to cogent and differing political, ideological, and philosophical discourse.

As the far right cave dwellers happily and mindlessly watch shadows of Hannity flicker upon the damp and darkened wall of Plato’s cave, and far left nihilists wait for the second coming of Sir Thomas More while watching Rachel Maddow, seventy percent of America laughs…a nervous laughter at that.

For the seventy percenters know, it’s all about ratings and revenue…hyperbole and distraction…election and reelection.

And then, after the nervous laughter subsides, they feel like Guy Montag; they loathe Mildred Montag, and they curse Ray Bradbury for getting it so right, so long ago.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

This Little Light of Mine, I'm Going to Let It Shine

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”
--Arnold Bennett

Yesterday, March 6th, 2012 is a date that will live in both joy and infamy.

You see…I became a Republican yesterday.

A true blue, dyed in the sweater vest, Sean Hannity cocksuckin’ GOPer for at least two years.

And what did my transformation bring me?  That’s right…

Heartache.

I was answering a call from God and his only begotten Son by registering as a Rick Santorum voting Republican, but alas…

While the Matt-Man effect helped to carry Clark County for Santorum, Rick fell short in other areas of my great state.

Sad.

Santorum lost Ohio because voters in the Cleveland and Cincinnati areas who evidently relate best to CEO’s who ship job overseas and to states down south, voted by 18-20 percentage points in favor of Mitt “Shuddup and Eat Your Shit Sandwich, You Loser” Romney.

My heart grew heavy as the late night results poured in, and I realized that The Great Santorum would lose my home state of Ohio, however…

There was a distant beacon of light…a modicum of hope, and a nascent feeling of rebirth bouncing around upon the taint of my soul…While I had voted in a losing effort for Santorum, on the upside, I had become…

A Republican!!

And let me tell you my friends, being a registered Republican is not something I take lightly.  I will make the necessary changes.

First of all…

My girlfriend, Schmoop? She’s no longer my girlfriend, because her and I living in sin, is a GOP no-no. Schmoop is now, and as long as I am a Republican, will be forever known as…

Lupe, The Laundry Lady!!

As Schmoop can’t pass for a black woman and Mexicans are the new sub-minimum wage domestics, I will call her my laundry lady, Lupe.

Let’s hope that in between the wash and rinse cycles that the condom doesn’t break.  I’d hate to end up with a Strom Thurmond moment on my hands.

Another change…

Yesterday after voting, I was listening to Sean Hannity on the radio as I always do, however this time?  I didn’t laugh.

It was hard, but every time I felt a big ol’ chuckle comin’ on, I thought of President Reagan lying in his casket as right thinking patriots stood around his stiff body, and in vain, while weeping amber waves of tears, attempted to resurrect him.

It was with that in mind, that my sadness over the Santorum loss changed to a winsome smile, and I was proud to now be able to walk hand in joyful hand with the likes of Norquist, Coulter, Gingrich, and Bachmann.

For the first time in my adult life…I was at peace, and more importantly…

I was an American, and my friends, a member of the Republican party and an American I shall remain.

This shedding of my liberal skin, the tossing off of my rose-colored, un-American sunglasses, and my lack of worry for those less fortunate than I during the holidays, makes life better…safer…less confusing.

In fact, becoming a Republican has turned me in to something I have always wanted to be…

A Norman Rockwell picture...

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

And don't forget kids...Jayman and I go live today at 11 AM ET on Blog Talk Radio, so give us a listen as we break down Super Tuesday and wish Jayman a Happy Birthday.  Just click us up HERE.

When Rachel Maddow and Sean Hannity Speak, A Third Person Cries

Yesterday, IWS’ beloved Jayman wrote about his sadness.  He waxed poetically, about how social media sites such as Twitter and Facebook break Jayman’s heart.

Well folks, let me tell ya.  Matt-Man too, has suffered some of the same virtual slings and arrows that have pierced the pride, self-esteem, and psyche of Matt-Man’s friend, the Jayman.

And, much like Jayman…when Matt-Man gets annoyed and/or on rare occasions, angered, he too, begins to speak and write in the overly annoying third person style.

Matt-Man hates it, but he can do nothing about it.  The third person takes over the Matt-Man, and Matt-Man simply has to allow it to run its course.

And to underscore this theme…Matt-Man, much like his buddy Jayman is pissed about some of your actions on Twitter and Facebook.

That’s right, Matt-Man has problems with some people.

Take for instance, one Allison Dickson…Oh my Lordy!!

Matt-Man and her have been friends for years, until?

Matt-Man asked on Facebook…

“Why do networks like NBC have Rachel Maddow on to talk about birth control?  It’s like asking Oscar Wilde about the benefits of vasectomies.”

Holy Cow, instead of responding with a good reason for NBC putting on a non-sperm loving lesbian like Maddow to spout why contraceptives should remain legal and accessible, the Dickson chick, shouted down the Matt-Man by saying something insignificant and defriending him AND, IWS on Facebook.

Hell NBC would have been more on target by bringing on the only man on Cable TV who has a vagina to discuss birth control, one, Cavorter of Catholicism, Sean Hannity

Matt-Man says virtually, and posthumously, (not because he died, but because it sounds good), “Grow Up.”

Matt-Man can’t help it…He loathes the agenda rich Maddow, and hates far left loons and much as far right loons.  Matt-Man wants to find an acceptable center…

A center where the personal privacy of peoples is respected.  Where people can do what ever the hell they feel like, if it doesn’t affect anyone else.  A center where…

Lifestyles, social mores, and tenets of faith or no faith, are kept out of government, and confined to one’s heart and soul where they belong.

Folks…Yesterday, we had an official Congressional Committee hearing on contraception…The entire panel of people being questioned were, clergyMEN.

Hell…While Matt-Man is a Liberal, yet a registered Independent, Matt-Man is pissed off by MSNBC firing Pat Buchanan.  In his newest book, Pat derided the guilt of whites and says that we as a nation are sucked in by Israel, so MSNBC defrocked Pat from being a continuing contributor.

That's Bullshit.

Y’know what Matt-Man thinks about all this hoy-paloy?

Matt-Man thinks that 24/7 news people who rail against politics on Capitol Hill never being more divided along partisan lines, fail to realize that people in America have never been more divided…and perhaps, while not more stupid than the media…just as intellectually lazy.

And…Matt-Man thinks often, especially these days, about the quote once uttered long ago by H.L. Mencken (among others in various forms)…

“People deserve the government they get, and they deserve to get it good and hard.”

If you look at social outlets like Facebook and Twitter today…Americans are as much angry as they are sensitive, and yet…

They refuse to listen to the opinions of others with whom they disagree, and will block them, defriend them, or unfollow them…Matt-Man finds that funny.  However…

That also makes Matt-Man very sad, because…

Matt-Man knows that the people in Congress are there because voters of like-mind put them there, and that Matt-Man’s friends are why we are in our current fuck-up-ness as a nation.

Too many are too far Left.  Too many are too far Right.  Yet…

In between the fringes of moronic thought...lie you, Matt-Man, and common sense.

Don’t allow idiots like Rachel Maddow and Sean Hannity to squeeze us out of the nation’s dialogue.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
twitter:  @mattmaniws 

Super Bowl XLVI...A Media Pass Is Not a Free Pass

Hi Babies.  IWS News Hottie, Kim Fragile here, for I’m With Stupid.

I don’t think I’ve talked to you since last October when on Sweetest Day I described to you what an incredibly stupid “holiday” it is.

Chocolates?  Flowers?  Perfume?  Pffffft.

Give me an inflatable bondage chair, a Doctor who prescribes his own Viagra, and an AP News Feed, and I am one happy news woman…but anyhoo…

The other day, I was in the island nation of Madagascar where I was doing an IWS documentary on the effects of big, black African penises inside of a white news reporter who has tsetse flies covering her vagina and hot voodoo candle wax on her nipples, when my cell phone rang.

It was Matt-Man.

He said that a frantic Jayman had told him that the NFL had refused to give our Sports Director, Slyder Balzcock, media credentials to get inside of Lucas Oil Stadium in order to cover Super Bowl XLVI.

After I asked, and Matt-Man explained to me what the hell “ex-el-vee-eye” meant, he told me to go gutter newsie, and get my sexy ass to Indianapolis in order to help the IWS Media Empire secure a Media Pass through my feminine wiles if necessary.

Well let me tell ya…It hasn’t been easy.

I first went the defiant and educated, “Hey, we here at IWS are journalists, and deserve our journalistic right to cover the Super Bowl” route.

I was told by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, that the IWS team exhibits journalistic skills and decorum that the NFL would prefer not to have covering their annual, national celebration of sportsmanship and excellence in athletics.

So…I went above Goodell’s head and asked his wife, FOX News babe Jane Skinner, if she’d like to have sex with me in exchange for an NFL Media Pass.

She told me that while she would like to have sex with me, the last Super Bowl pass she had, had to be given to an adult woman who suffers from mental retardation so she had just given it to her co-worker, Gretchen Carlson.

So, I began a thinkin’…

“Who in the world desperately needs sex and might have a media credential for Super Bowl Ex-El-Vee-Eye?”

I immediately thought of Sean Hannity and Donald Trump. One or both of those wanks has to both, need sex AND have access to a media credential for Slyder.  And…

I was right.

Unfortunately, when I finally got a hold of Hannity, he was with Trump and in between the noise of the rustling sheets and Ned Beatty sqealing sounds, Sean told me that he and The Donald had sold their media passes to Bernie Goldberg and Glenn Beck.

So…I guess I was a day late and a penis short.

Alas…I did my best.  Although….

Maybe if I were to track down Wes Welker’s uber-hot girlfriend, Anna Burns?

Yeah...maybe she could do something for me…Uh-huh, she already does.

And truly?

It doesn't matter to me whether she has a press pass or not. Rowwwrrrrrrr.

Zooooves,

Kim

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaiws

State of the Union Address 2012: Why Bother?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States…

And the joint Congress and American public go, “Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

Sad.

But the sadness…disinterest…malaise…or just plain, “What the fuck ever”, feeling is not without an understandable reason.

Tonight, during the State of the Union Address President Obama will say in some form or fashion as all President’s before him have said…

“The State of the Union is strong.”

Well, in my opinion, the State of the Union is far from strong, in fact, it sucks. And, I’m not talking about our economy, or our stature in the eyes of the world. I’m talking about us.

I’m talking about us as a nation of people who over the years have defeated an empire, have come together like none other, and now, after nearly 236 years of this great nation’s existence…

We argue over whether a woman has private and personal control over her own body, if a spouse has the right to let his spouse die in a dignified way, or if we should attack a country such as Iran whose military prowess is along the lines of the paper tiger that was Hussein’s Iraq.

Our nation has so many problems…from our debt, to reliance on foreign oil, to unemployment, to trying to find our markets and international place in the 21st Century.

And yet, when looking for a President and leader in our 2012 election cycle, what do many Americans look toward to guide their choice?

American History? The Constitution? Or perhaps, Common Sense? Noooooooo…

Many Americans find their safe harbors via the lighthouse of the media beacons that are MSNBC, FOX News, and some whacked out manchicks named Rachel Maddow and/or Sean Hannity among others.

Unfortunately, they seem to be the catalytic minority, and…they are what fuel the misfiring engine that is the do nothing government that we seem to have these days. Politicians want one thing, and that one thing is not to help America, it is to get reelected.

And in order to secure that end game, legislators agree with tiny minded folks, and no matter what, feed the electorate with what they want to hear in order to accomplish their unending, monetarily satisfying tenure within the once great halls of Congress.

Seriously, Mr. and/or Mrs. American Voter…you suck.

Choosing a President, taking the ten minutes it takes to vote, and actually researching who and why you want to vote for him or her has become such a chore. Because? Thinking takes time.

Millions of Americans listen to Limbaugh, Hannity, Maddow, and Olbermann because they would rather not think for themselves. They are too busy ordering pizza , texting a friend about how their spouse hates them, or playing Farmville on Facebook as they experience the virtual birth of a calf…

Gimme a break. It’s because of the laziness of the American voter that we in 2012, are left with a field of Presidential candidates of Romney, Gingrich, Santorum, Paul, and Obama.

In 1800 and 1804, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson went head to head in the Presidential election, and in 2012..?

We will have either Romney or Gingrich up against Obama.

Adams and Jefferson debated over the future course this country would take in order to make our then nascent nation more successful, and 200 and some years later?

No matter who the GOP picks to represent their party, the General Election debate will center on not who will make this country greater, but rather who will make this nation less than it already has become.

Ironically, it is our forefathers who set us upon this path with the birth of herd mentality political parties. However...

While they saw political parties merely as schools of thought, Americans today see them as political Cliff Notes, and comfortable, totalitarian schools of non-thought.

Americans today don’t have time to read the entire virtual biography that a candidate may put forth; they merely want to gaze, and listen to it briefly upon 24/7 cable news, and then like Pavlov’s dogs, obediently nod their heads, and wag their tails to what they know, and agree…or bark at the screen when they don’t.

After all, thinking takes time, and there are X-Box games to be played, spouses to cheat upon, and other who are unlike you and I to mock.

I wonder about our country, and when I do , I wonder about Ben Franklin.

He drank…He loooved the ladies…He smoked…He, like an idiot, stood out in the lightning…He hung out with pigeons as he trained them, and today?

Because of all of that, he couldn’t get elected as a City Commissioner of Bagwine, Ohio.

Americans today do not like thinkers…they do not like great people…Americans like a world that is homogenous…that thinks as they do…that is uncomplicated.

And that is exactly why America, the former bastion of innovation and great ideas, is becoming second-rate as a nation, and a nation whose State of the Union is not strong.

Matt-Man

Email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws

IWS Babe of the Week: Rebecca St. James, I Will Praise You...And I Will Praise Her

As Christmas day fast approaches, I felt it would be a good time to sing the praises of a Christian music hottie. The Christian music hottie that makes me transubstantiate myself and gets my wood stiffer than a Roman crucifix is Rebecca St. James...

I mean, c'mon, dig it.  Perfect smile, long flowing hair, the likes that even Daniel never saw while in the Lion's Den, and...she saved herself for marriage.  That's Hot, and what does her saved virginity mean to me?  It means she has the morals I so clearly lack, and the tight, cloistered hoo-ha that I crave.  Ohhhhh Yeahhhhhhhh.

She has sung such hits as You Hold Me Now and You Never Let Go...Oh Baby, I would hold her down and never let go in a second...Praise Jeebus!!

Rebecca St. James also has something which like Ezekiel, makes me see that glorious wheel in the sky.  It's her more than generous nose.  Jesus Christ, that turns me on!!

It's true....she appears on Sean Hannity's show from time to time, but I can overlook that. I mean, if she can go on the Hannity show in spite of the fact that he is a major league asshole, it follows that if she were to be with me, she could do so in spite of ME being a major league asshole.

I say unto the holy and nearly virginal hoo-ha of Rebecca St. James, I Will Praise You...every time I bring your picture up on my computer screen.

Matt-Man