Thursday, June 21, 2012

Dealing With Noisy Neighbors

Hola quiet and considerate people! If you are friends with me on Facebook (and if you aren’t that really hurts) you might have seen (assuming you don’t have my updates hidden, which also hurts) that there was an incident here this week with my upstairs neighbors having a little disagreement the other night. As is usually the case, they decided to take their fight outside just to make sure everyone got the chance to enjoy their charm.

I also have another neighbor who is pretty damn annoying. This one likes to go outside and yell into her cellphone and argue with people that way. Well, tonight while we were doing show prep, Matt-Man said that he told his boss Drive-By Mikey about my neighbor. Turns out Mike had a great idea for what to do about this. He thinks I should go out there and bug her while she’s on the phone. Mike’s recommendation was to use an Air Horn on her.

So, Matt and I decided I should do a list similar to the one where I threw out ideas to deal with a possible newspaper thief. So, here goes …

- Vuvuzelas: These horns ruined the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. They annoyed every single one of the billion people world-wide who tried to watch the games on TV. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take long to piss off my neighbor with one.

- Cowbells: Much like the Vuvuzelas, the cowbells that ring nonstop throughout a Mississippi State football game piss off the whole world. Obnoxious doesn’t even begin to describe those things OR the MSU fans.

- Thundersticks: These fucking things should be outlawed. Oh Holy Jesus they’re annoying. Go to any basketball game and there are kids with these things everywhere. They just pound those sticks together for the whole game and make it a very unpleasant experience.

- Black Cat Firecrackers: These will have the added bonus of her thinking just for a second that I might be shooting at her. I always enjoy the funny look on people’s faces when that happens.

- Pots and Pans: This was Matt-Man’s contribution. He says either cast iron or maybe some pots that I bang on with wooden spoons. Also, the party noisemakers we sometimes blow on the show. Everyone loves those.

- Go outside and film her while not saying a word: Just stand there and film her until she gets so uncomfortable that she hangs up and goes inside. This was Matt-Man’s other contribution and probably his best. The discomfort of my videotaping her for the internet paired with my intimidating nature might cause her nightmares.

- Go outside, walk up to her and say “Who are you talking to? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Who ya talkin’ to? Huh? Who is it? Do I know them? Let me talk to ‘em. Let me talk to ‘em. Let me talk to ‘em. Come oooooooooooon! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?? Let me talk to ‘em! Dammit! Is it your boyfriend? Is it? I bet it is. It’s your boyfriend, isn’t it? Just admit it. It’s okay, I’m not judging. I mean, I’m kinda judging HIM! Ha! I kid! Let me talk to him. I wanna talk to your boyfriend. You never know, he and might end up being bros!”

- Walk outside with my 80’s style boom box: Crank up a cassette tape of Aerosmith’s “Sweet Emotion” on a loop as loud as it will go and hold it over my head about two feet from her.


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