Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Heat Wave 2012...Summer Safety Tips

Cheers Chuckleheads!!

As a widespread and profound heat wave is already gripping parts of the nation and about to exert its fiery grip on the Greater Bagwine, Ohio metroplex, I thought this would be a good time to provide a public service on behalf of IWS in the form of a few heat wave/summer fun safety tips.

Folks here in Bagwine freak out in the winter when an inch of snow is predicted, and some of us with a modicum of common sense refer to that type of thing as, “The White Death.”  So…

So since it’s summer and we are getting nothing but 24/7 local news coverage of the impending “dangerous” summer conditions, we shall refer to this summer sun induced panic as, “The Yellow Death.”

No, wait…That sounds more like an impending invasion by the Chinese and as we all know, America has nothing to fear from the Chinese, other than our own borrowing habits.  Let’s see…

We will call this heat wave, “The Orange Death.”  Yeah, I like that…or better yet…

Let’s make it sound all sexy, translate it into French, and call it, “La Mort d’Orange.”

Okay, now that sounds serious and yet artfully headline grabbing.  So to wit, and heretofore, I shall now offer some very good suggestions as to how to beat the near 100 degree heat over the next few days.

Fewer Clothes…
When the mercury is bursting through the top of a thermometer like a less than experienced teen boy’s Johnson at the site of a picture of Megan Fox naked, the clothes have to come off.  “Experts” will tell you to dress lightly in light-colored apparel.  Screw that stupid advice.

When the mercury is kissing the 100 degree mark, it’s time to shed your clothes completely.  Be advised however…For the health and well-being of others and in spite of your lack of dignity and self-respect, if you look like me, stay indoors with the blinds shut while walking around naked.  That’s both cool for you, and for others.

Stay Hydrated…
Your local TV newshounds always tell ya…“Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of water, Gatorade type stuff, but alcohol, is a no-no.”

Pfffffft.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  What is the number one go to item when battling summer’s inferno?  Damn right, an ice cold beer.  A cold beer will extinguish Mother Nature’s blast furnace quicker than anything else.  And…

If after ten or twelve beers you are still hot, simply drop the top on the convertible and take a speedy drive down a curvy country lane.  Paradise.

Tip Your Drive-Thru Attendants Well…
These Angels of Mercy who man the Drive-Thrus of Ohio will be smiling and sweating while attending to your thirsty needs.  The summer heat can take its toll on these lifters of the 30 packs, so even when only spending a couple of bucks on a pop, show your appreciation and leave a sizable tip of between 3-5 dollars when patronizing their establishments.

That may seem extreme, but just as the gratuity gets bigger at a restaurant when the party is larger, tips at a Drive-Thru should rise with the temperature and the Dew Point.

Take Care of Your Pets…
Our pets are some of the closest member of our families, so make certain that they have access to A/C or a fan, and have a comfortable place in which to rest. If you are away, make sure somebody can feed them, provide them with a good meal, and keep Fido and/or Toonces company.

Take Care of the Elderly…
Even the elderly close to us are sometimes an afterthought, however, during this extreme heat we need to keep them nearly foremost in our thoughts.

Sometimes due to fleas, mange, or just plain crabbiness, the elderly can wander off, so keep them on a short leash preferably tied to a shade tree or at least in a place around the yard the gets no direct sunlight between 2 and 4.  A bowl of fresh water would be a nice touch as well.  Although they can see the Lighthouse of Heaven blinking upon the horizon of life, the elderly still get thirsty just like you and I.

And there you have it folks…A few good heat wave tips that the losers on your local TV networks won’t mention.

This is the Matt-Man preparing for the impending heat wave as I get ready for today’s IWS Radio Show which airs LIVE today at 11 AM ET.  And, you can catch it LIVE by clicking HERE.




P.S.  Make sure you ask everyone, "Hot enough for ya?"  People enjoy knowing that you are concerned about their well-being.

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